Saturday, February 5, 2011

Later, Stainer



WARNING: The events in this post are real.  The people are real.  The details are real.

I have had a lot of fucked up shit happen to me in my 31 years of living.  You name it, I probably experienced it.  From getting my face pissed on when my older brother was fucking wasted when I was in high school, to being puked on all over my face/body from my college roommate at a packed restaurant...my luck is pretty fucking awful.  That's why, what I'm about to tell you doesn't surprise me, nor does it make me feel embarrassed.  Things happen in life.  It just so happens, the fucked up things always happen to me.

It was an end to a very long and busy week.  What better way to celebrate then have a few drinks and let loose from the craziness that has taken over my life the past two months.  Work.  As much as I want to bitch about it, I can't.  I'm still employed and if anything, I'm thankful as a mother fucker to have a job and work for a great company.  But I digress...

It's about 5:30pm and I'm on my second drink of the night.  The bar is poppin' and it feels good that the weekend is finally fucking here.  And yes, I'm planning on getting fucking wa-wa-waaaaasted.  Not blackout wasted, but eat everything in sight on my way home at 11pm wasted.  The mission was clear.  The details were simple.  But all that changed when I went for drink #3.

Cocktail in hand, I was mingling with everyone, enjoying my Friday night.  How could this night go bad?  One cough and a tense anus, that's how.  I shat myself folks.  And when I say shat, I don't mean wet fart or a Hershey fucking squirt.  I mean, I literally shat my fucking pants.  All because I coughed.  At first, I was like, "What the fuck?!  Did something just come out of my ass right now?  No.  Could it?  No.  Should I go to the bathroom?  Is that shit I smell?"  But the longer I was debating on if I really shat myself, the more I could feel the wet warmth spreading around my ass cheeks.  I basically had to excuse myself from a conversation I was having, then proceed to walk down a flight of stairs with both ass cheeks clinched ever-so-tightly, hoping no shit I just shat, would spread farther then it already did.

I get to the bathroom, and notice that the lighting in this fucking place is goddamn awful.  How the fuck am I suppose to see how much shit are on my boxer briefs, let alone if my asshole is fully clean after wiping?  Based on the bathroom lighting alone, I am convinced that at least 60-65% of men and women who take a shit in this place, do not have a fully clean asshole after wiping, and are very likely to be walking around in shit stained drawers.  You mine as well be fucking blind because that's how I felt.

As I was sitting on the crapper, I looked straight down to see how much shit was really in my boxers.  Again, the lighting was so bad it felt like I was taking a shit in the dark.  I had no clue how much dookie was in my drawers so without even thinking about it, I went in. That's right.  I fucking braved it, put my hand in my boxers to feel how much shit really came out of my asshole.  Bad fucking move on my part.  Lets just say when I did that and took a look at my hand, it looked as if I dipped my hand in one of those goddamn chocolate fondu fountains.  This was not good at all.  Things just went from bad to fucking worse in a matter of 10 seconds.  There I am sitting on the fucking toilet with shit now smeared all over my boxers, my right hand is covered in my own shit and I'm trying to figure out how the fuck am I gonna get out of this shitty (pun intended) situation in this dark ass bathroom?

I ended up wrapping half a roll of toilet paper around my right hand because not only could I not see if I was wiping all the shit off but, my hand just smelled awful.  The smell was so bad it made me rethink about what I should stop eating and start eating.  Once I wrapped my shitty hand, I knew I had to ditch my boxer briefs.  It was either that, or walk around smelling like shit, right?  Basically, I undressed, took off my boxers and since there wasn't a trash can in the stall, I said, "Fuck it," and threw my boxers behind the toilet.  I mean, what the fuck was I suppose to do at that point?  Walk out of that stall in a packed ass men's bathroom and say, "Hey guys, don't mind me, I just shit my pants and I'm gonna throw these here boxer briefs in that trash can.  Don't worry, it doesn't smell too bad."  Fuck that.  There was no way in hell I was going to do that.  It's bad enough that once I ditched my drawers, I had to unwrap my hand that was still doused in my own shit and wash it.  The torture kept coming because once I went to wash my hands, the soap that I used smelled liked shit too.  It was as if, the bar gods were trying to punish me for something I might have done months ago.  I didn't like it one bit and I knew I had to just fucking leave and head on BART.  I grabbed my stuff, and left.

I finally get on the train and realize that the punishment isn't over.  For the next 45 minutes, I'm going to have to endure my right hand smelling like I have been finger banging my own anus for the last 2 days, my taint probably covered in my own shit and my nut sack sticking to my inner thigh.  All because I fucking coughed the wrong way.  I knew I shouldn't have eaten those goddamn sausages during my department meeting this morning.  I also shouldn't have eaten those beer battered chicken strips for lunch.  Even though it tastes so good, my stomach never agrees with it.  EVER.  I could have just taken a shit before I went to the bar.  But no, I had to be greedy and hold it in til I felt like my asshole was going to explode.  I felt the signs.  The tight anus.  The stomach noises.  The cramping.  I did this to myself and it hasn't been pretty.

I finally get home and the only thing I could tell J-Co was, "Honey, even though I'm 31 years old, I shat myself at a bar and I'm sorry."  She looked at me as if her body language was saying, "Why the fuck are you telling me?  I'm not the one who shit my pants, buddy."  That look really said it all. Well, lets not forget to mention her actually saying to me, "Go take a shower, you smell like shit.  I'll go get you some food, you look like you had a rough few hours." Yeah, you bet your sweet ass it was rough.  But it got rougher when I took off my pants and realized that I shit so bad that my dookie stained the inside of my jeans.  I'm assuming that's the reason because I really don't want to admit that I didn't wipe my ass good enough which caused me to stain my Banana Republic jeans I love so dearly.

This story is fucked up, I know.  I'm not one bit embarrassed telling this story exactly how it went down.  What I am embarrassed about is how I got kinda drunk off of three drinks.  I feel like I turned into a little fucking lightweight bitch.  Ball Buster asked me, "Do you think anyone noticed?"  Shit, if they did, who gives a fuck?  What could I have done?  Denied it?  I smelled like a goddamn toilet for fuck's sake.  It is what it is.  And what it is, is simple.  I shit myself...and I'm sorry fuckers.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're keeping it real, that's for sure. :)

Truth is... this shit happens. (bwahahaha) I'm female and I've laughed so hard I've peed a little... and one time not so little. But it happened, it was true, and it was hilarious. Mortifying when it happened but really... it's a side effect of the human condition. It would be so much better if a friend (or even total stranger) could just say, "Dude, it happens, let's fix this problem!"

derr said...

what's really shocking about this is you basically admitted to finger banging your anus...
yea don't think I missed that..
Shamika.

MissE said...

Oh lordy, I'm crying. Thanks for the giggle at your expense.

Anonymous said...

man, talk a bout having a shitty turn of events...

Deadhead said...

Sir, You have made me a fan for life.

And yes, I've shit meself, too

Deadhead said...

But I was on my way to work, and it was 6 in the mornin.
And my Grandmama lived 2 miles away.

When I rang the doorbell(to wake her up) she welcomed me into the shower(and to put my clothes in the wash).
As I sat in the kitchen with a towel over me, as the clothes were bein cleaned, a repairman came by to fix something, she went on to explain what had happened to me.


I feel your pain, Sir!

Richriser25@yahoo.com said...

Love it! I've felt your pain on Halloween... Its was done and what better way to accept than OWN that shit. (Pun intended)

Kimm C said...

I was in a bar with one of my girls, she had on a mini skirt and no thong on. She sneezed So bad her fucking tampon
Fell out, right there on the floor of the bar! Stuff happens dude, it's all good though.

Anonymous said...

I pee myself all the time when I sneeze, and its not just a little bit sometimes. It happens.

Anonymous said...

Bbaahaha. I will forever read your blogs from now on! HAHAHA :)

O Evil One... said...

Fuckin hilarious...

Anonymous said...

Kimm c-- hilarious!!!!!! Omfg that is tooooo fuckin funny!!!!

Anonymous said...

thats funny as fuck !!! I'm lmmfao !!!

Chrystal said...

This was one of the best stories Ive heard, thanks for sharing, we've all had our share of stories and turns of events, the best thing is being about to talk about them...and Kimm C....very hysterical!

Mrs. Shartner said...

Lol that sucks. I would have waited until everyone was gone and locked the main bathroom door (you would be surprised how many of them do have locks) Then washed my pants in the sink lol. I would have used all the soap in the place. Then fucking walked home. That's just me, I am not brave enough to own my shit lol. I have pood myself on a few occasions. The most inexplicable was when I was a kid. I was about 7 and I was swinging on the swing, I went inside to go pee .. and pulled my pants down and lo and behold, giant pile of poo! WTF man.. I didn't have an upset stomach and I didn't notice any "you are taking a shit right now in your pants" sensations. Oh well. Then as an adult I was thankfully home when it happened... but I farted and I was like .. wait.. this is a long fart.. OMG .. and proceeded to clench walk to the bathroom, carrying a fresh pair of pants. lol

Anonymous said...

OMG Mrs. Shartner...you made me laugh as hard as J Wunder did!!!! Too fricken hilarious!!! Thank you both for the laughs!! So good!!

Anonymous said...

It happens to the best of us. When I was 4 I pooped in my pants because I was scared to use an outhouse at a picnic. My parents put me in the trunk of the car for the ride home. True story. This was in 1966.

I love your blog! Fan for life.

Anonymous said...

I think what makes it so funny,is that so many of us have experienced it! One time I was shopping with my Aunt and she said, "you might not want to walk behind me, I have to fart!" So I walked ahead. Then she stopped dead in her tracks and said, "Oh shit! I was wrong I jsut shit my pants, let's go!" We both left the store of course fast as possible, and both laughing uncontrolably!

G said...

One of my most embarassing moments was when I had just gotten some of the chinese balls that you're supposed to hold in your hoo hoo to practice muscle control. So anyway, I went through my day, bus rides and all with no problem, no loss of cabin pressure, lol! Then on my way home, I was standing at the bus stop, and just for a moment forgot that they were there and relaxed, (2nd bad part, I don't wear panties), sooo needless to say these two metal balls roll down my pants leg, cling, cling as they hit the concrete, and roll down the sidewalk while I stand there, trying to pretend it wasn't me!

Anonymous said...

I dont know that I have EVER laughed this fucking hard! GDammit u make my day!!!!!

kc82 said...

You sir have made my day. Thank you

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing like a mad woman with my hotel door open. I used to get so high that I thought I shit myself. But really my ass was just numb from sitting in it.

Anonymous said...

I've had several incidents tied to medications I was on. I shit myself after a party and had to walk for like two miles to get home. I had to take off my underwear in a bar bathroom. I had to wipe my ass with my socks. Two times I tried to shit somewhere private and these chicks would show up out of nowhere and ask me if I was OK? LOL

Mrs. J-Wunder said...

I did that at work yesterday....and everyone knew it was me!!!!

Anonymous said...

Lmfao...nasty bitch. Your on your period!!!! Put underwear on!!!!

Anonymous said...

I lived in LA about 3 years ago and took a road trip down with some friends to a party in San diego. I hadn't been feeling too good the past couple days and had been peeing out of my ass. So I get to the party drink like I'll never have a drink again and suddenly realize bubble guts are causing mayhem. So I step outside to get a little fresh air aka rip ass and to my surprise much more came out. So not only am I two and a half hours away from home I don't even have a car to get anywhere. I go across the street to the park and take off my boxers and throw them in a bush go bak inside clean up my ass and free ball it the rest of the night fearing that the smell had seeped into my pants. I still wonder to this day if anyone has found those boxers seeing as the bush was right on a frisbee golf course hahah. I feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard to all of these I had to have someone else read them.:)

luvlychik said...

Ehh, no worries, shit happens!

Anonymous said...

Shit happens. When i was 15 i used my bike as transportation, one day i was about 2 miles from home. I thought i had to fart but wasnt 100% sure so i figured i would gamble. I lost, Shit myself, and had to ride my bike home with my pants filled with poo.... You try riding a bike with poo in your boxers.

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!! the laugh of the day! thank you! just...thank you!! -Chaunie

Anonymous said...

That's actually kinda sexy lol

L.A. Are said...

I shit myself last week IN my apartment, so I was good. :) But this story definitely made me laugh. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!! You have made me feel SO much better. It's happened to me twice and I couldn't fkkn believe it could happen to a grown ass woman. Thank you all for your shit tales as well. I feel normal again!!!

Margo said...

If you live long enough, you're going to panic through one of these episodes! Uncomfortable? Yes, but J-Wunder made it funny, too.

Anonymous said...

Where did that picture come from? Did someone model white pants with shit stains?

Anonymous said...

Laughing so hard I'm about to shit my pants....

Darwinplanet said...

Between this and your adventure at West Dublin BART station, you are my hero. That's why you should always wear briefs, not boxers. Briefs can contain dookies better than boxers.

Anonymous said...

That's fucking hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Freaking too funny!!
One time in a car full of ppl, in 5o'clock traffic in downtown Boston I had the urge, my asshole needed to purge butt where was I too go? The car wasnt moving and my bowels were about to. We did a chinese stop light so I could have the passenger seat, you know for privacy, got a plastic bag and shite right there in traffic with the four other ppl laughing and gagging their asses off. The car wasnt going anywhere, fuckin nowhere! The cars on the side of us were laughing and I was dying a slow humiliating stinky death of shame. The plus I just tied up the bag and threw it out the window, yes still in stopped traffic, I didnt suffer the same stink pants fate as you but everyone sure enough knew about. Till this day I cant drive up 24N without stopping to use the toilet just to be sure.

nottynatty said...

Well I just pissed my fkn pants reading this! This was the funniest one I have ever read on hear! And u went into such deatail it was like I was standing over the stall where u were trying to clean up and was busting up at u as u attempted to clean ur shitty undies! Good. Fkn story! LOL

Anonymous said...

Thank you soooo much! Laughing at your poo pain has made me realize that the surgery I just had to keep me from pissing my pants actually worked. Seriously. I was worried. I now know that I can laugh again without leaving a puddle in my flip flops. That kicks ass.

Monic said...

Oh my God! I am over here dying! I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Thank God I didn't have to shit!

Anonymous said...

Wow! You kept it all the way real. I love our blogs.

Csat said...

I was a party one night standing around watching everyone play beer pong and one of the guys had on big legged shorts. Out of know where he sneezes and dropped one right on the ground. He kept standing there like it didn't happen. His roommate started raising hell and asked him what the hell was he doing. He just walked away and left the present laying on the floor. It took his roommate like 20 minutes to get him to come in there and clean it up.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I am crying over here...and some of the stories on the comments are priceless!

Anonymous said...

Probably my fave blog of Urs J-wun.... Thanx for making peeps look at me like I'm crazy while I'm LMFAO at work cuz I'm reading ur shit!!!!
-Wendy

Samuel Longfellow said...

my new found friend, that was beautifully articulated. I am impressed with your ability to use an otherwise horrible experience into something we can ALL relate to in one way or another. Kudos, you're alright with me.

Mike #28 said...

My shit story wasn't too bad for me.I was walking home from grade school and I knew I was sick.The crosswalk light didn't change fast enough.In the middle of the street I stood there crying like the five or six year old I was.
As the inevitable anaconda was crawling down my pants leg,some woman jumped out of her car,sure as shit(pun intended)that something more horrific was taking place.
That's when the anaconda rolled out onto her shoes as she knelt in front of me.
Wiping my tears and asking if I was ok.That's where the compassion ended.And this true account of the event.

Anonymous said...

My brother once shit his pants at a bar. Had to throw his underwear away and wipe with his socks because he said the toilet paper was too thin. he's a gross ass Mfer though, always used to shit outside when too drunk, LOL

Sharty Shartison said...

So it was my 35th birthday, and my gal at the time, my Sis and her Man went out for some curry at a posh Indian joint and had a time. Out front after the meal I proceeded to cajole and do a bit of a butt shaker dance, you know, the head down ass up kinda thing. On one particularly aggressive butt squat, a fart occurred that felt a bit odd and I realized in horror that it must have carried a brown passenger of the sludgy variety. We were then due over at a friends joint for some drinks. We had to drive over there, so I opened the window in case there was any steamy stench happening, and we got over there FAST. When we arrived, and opened the door, SURPRISE!!!! There were like 50 people there to jam for my Birthday. Needless to say the surprise in my pants was compounding the surprise, and I'm sure I looked as though I'd seen a ghost. A bud came over and said that I looked really shocked. I said " Yeah Man, I literally shit my pants!" I skulked over to the bathroom and got the shart stained whities off. It wasn't as bad as it felt, but there was nowhere to stash the offenders.

Sorry Man, I hid them behind your housecoat on the hook behind the door. If you wear a housecoat as often as I do they are probably still there.

OSBjerke-Viking- said...

Whoa, but man shit happens when the alco-gods punish you, just gotta ask though, who plans on being on their way home at 11pm? man...

Ann Ominous said...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/267895/Sombody/

Best pants shitting cover story ever.

Pooper bloopers alone are no better. Got sick, hadn't slept or eaten. blacked out on toilet, fell off. awoke to my brown eye going on with the job without my express consent. yep,I sure loved having to clean that up in such bad shape that such a thing occurred. Moments like making mud at an inopportune time are just part of this beautiful joke called life.