It's the Final Fuckboy

If you read the title of this column to the tune of the "The Final Countdown," then you are welcome, and please, continue reading. If you didn't, you can still keep reading, but you need to tighten the fuck up with your musical knowledge.

For this, possibly my last, installment in the Fuckboy series, I am going to describe the Final Fuckboy. Once you  have defeated all the other Fuckboys, you can rest not-so-easy, knowing that you will still have to do battle with the Darth Vadar/Voldemort/Gandalf of Fuckboys. You will need to be prepared. Here is my step-by-step booklet, to get your Fuckboy Game on track and not your wig pushed back (RIP Biggie).

First of all, you have to recognize that you are dating a Supreme Master Fuckboy. He is probably going to be a 'lil bit older, maybe perchance, a bit fucking wiser, but lemme remind you - HE AIN'T SHIT. So no matter what Fuckboy Sorcery he throws at you, he still ain't shit. With that being said, be prepared.

The Supreme Fuckboy is a tricky ass combination of all or most of the Fuckboys we have talked about. Just to refresh your memory, these are the ones: The Married Man; The Convenience; The Zero Fucks; The Back and Forth; The Classic; The Fixer Upper; The Submarine, and last but not least, The Girlfriend Experience. And when you have so many types of Fuckboys rolled into one, you may almost think that you are, in fact, not dating a Fuckboy. Oh, but my dear heart, you must now realize that this is the biggest, baddest Silver Fox of All Fuckboys.  He will huff and puff and blow your wall down. And then show you what a Fuckboy he is.

Because this is the Black Belt Cobra Kai Fuckboy, you gonna have to sweep the leg and then crane kick the fuckboy the fuck outta this motherfucker. Recognize that just because you have an elderly gentleman caller who seems to not be a Fuckboy, heed my warning. He. Is. A. Fuckboy. Plain and simple. No matter what silver tongued tales your silver haired fox spins you, and trust me that shit will be platinum, he is still a Fuckboy. Say it with me - He is still a Fuckboy. Now write that shit on the chalkboard 50 times. Tattoo it on your hand. But never, ever forget that the older the berry, the fuckier the Fuckboy.

Now, I am sure a few of you are wondering why I would know so much about the Supreme Fuckboy. Oh, you know BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING DATING HIM. And it wasn't until we were going through our final days that I realized that this mid-life-crisis Fuckboy, was in fact not just any Fuckboy, as we had often joked, but the actually Fuckboy Supreme. Here's why:

1) He told me that because he was honest with me about not wanting to be in a relationship that I shouldn't be upset that things were ending. I had to not so gently remind him that just because you say you don't want a relationships, doesn't negate the fact that when you are solely dating (not just fucking) someone for 5 months, that a label, just like this Fuckboy, ain't shit. If I am honest with you and say I don't want to shit in your living room, and then I take a big nasty hot flaming shit in your living room, after taking little ones in the corner, you can't be mad at me, because I was honest about not wanting to take the shit, it just kind of happened.

2) As we were fighting he told me he loved me. That is THE Fuckboy move. Oh, you think that if you drop some L bombs on me, I am going to be ok with all your tired ass bullshit? Nah, brah, cus guess who I love more than any Fuckboy? Me, motherfucker. M.E.. And I have the receipt for the batteries I bought last Friday to prove it.

3) He went on a date the same night he fucked me in the morning. You know what that is. That is just fucking nasty...but he wanted to be honest with me about, so he told me 2 weeks later. Last time I fucking checked, honesty meant kind of the fuck when it happened, not two weeks later.

There are some other things, but I think you all get what I am throwing down. Just when you think it is safe to get back on your Hoe Stroll, you gotta keep your head on a swivel, so you can be prepared for the Supreme Fuckboy. He is out there, lurking in book stores, and buying you drinks at bars, making you think he is not actually sent from Hell to test your resistance.

And the funniest part of all of this? Because it is actually fucking hilarious. That when I defeated the Fuckboy Supreme, the fucking Portal to Fuckboy Purgatory opened up and I was contacted by not one, not two, but four of the ghosts of penis past, all hitting me with the the Fuckboy mating call of, "Hey, sup, WYD, How you been?" And if you are done with the ways of the Fuckboy, you gotta hit back with the, "New phone, who dis?," and then moonwalk the fuck back to your fucking happy place, full of batteries and boxed wine.

Hip Hop Hooray for Spinsterhood!

H-Bomb

New Year, New You, New Fuckboys

Dear GG Fam,

2 years, 3 months, 18 days, and about 6 hours ago I dropped some knowledge on you on the ways of the infamous and sometimes elusive Fuckboy. Lo and behold, some of those Fuckboys actually took time away from being a Full-Time-Fuckboy to read my pearl  necklaces of wisdom and, in the words of Bear Grylls, improvise, adapt, and overcome, so as to find new and fuckier ways to get in your DMs, and then into your pants/heart. However, someone threw up the H-Bomb signal (basically just  👌) and I knew it was time to come out of retirement and lay some truth bombs, in a way that only I, the mystical, scotch-laden goddess of snark can do. Hold on to your butt-plugs, bitches, cus I'm bout to blow your bunghole out with my newest revelations.

It is motherfucking 2018 and yet here we are, still getting played by the following kinds of mark-ass, bitch-ass, dick-hole, motherfuckers. We already know about The Married Man Fuckboy, The Convenience Fuckboy, The Zero Fucks Fuckboy, and last and most certainly least, The Back and Forth Fuckboy... but drumroll please... here are the 2018 Fuckboys.

1) The Girlfriend Experience Fuckboy

This one is ALMOST fucking harmless. Almost. He is the guy that says all the right things when you are together - "I think you are so great," "Tell me about YOUR day," "What do you want to do tonight?" You may even think you are in a relationship with this Rico Suave Motherfucker, because he says things like, "I am not seeing anyone else, just you," or things of that nature. You may even deign to have him meet your friends, talk about him like he is your boyfriend, exchange gifts during holidays, birthdays, etc. Seems like you two are well on the way to Relationshipville, aboard the Pound Town Express! He will cook you dinner, take you out, and might even introduce you to his friends, should you run into them when you are on the stroll. But here's the catch, Sugar Tits -  how does he introduce you? "Oh, this is MAH FREN Bitsy."  And before you can even swivel your head in disbelief, you have learned all that you need to know about this Fuckboy. He wants the trappings of the Girlfriend, without ever bestowing that oh, so coveted title upon your sweet head. Let me guess his reasoning. Could it be he is just not ready for a relationship? Yeah, sure, ok. Maybe, and here is my fucking favorite. He doesn't like labels. But he sure does love fucking you 17 ways to Sunday and buying you Tequila shots til your panties slide off like they were made of the same shit as fruit roll-ups. Before you next let him plunder your sticky-bun of fun, axe yourself if you are ok being a (girl)friend with benefits without the actual title of Girlfriend. If not, MOVE IT THE FUCK ALONG. Especially before you get so deep (and not the kind that puts your butt to sleep) that you develop actual feelings because you put your heart in the part of a part that spreads apart. 2018, boo. 20 motherfucking 18. We can say who, we can say when, and we for damn sure can say how much.

2) The Submarine Fuckboy

Now, now, you dirty bitches, don't think that the name of this Fuckboy has anything to do with his wang. This is not because he has a footlong-schlong and smashes your cervix like mashed potatoes. No, this particular Fuckboy earned his moniker from his ability sink deep (still not talking about fucking, ya whores. Jesus, buy some fucking dildos or something, you cock-hungry sluts) and then rise up fast enough for you to catch a glimpse of the periscope (just stop, hoochies) before submerging again for an indeterminate time. You meet a guy, you think he is cool, he thinks you want to smash (you do, shut it) but you also want to see about breakfast, cus you are a lady, goddamnit. So you all hang out a few times, and things seem to be going really well. He calls/texts the standard issue amount of times for you both to think the other is interested in this being more than a booty call, and then suddenly, the submarine submerges. And not into you, but to the depths of the ocean floor. So you, gentle flower, say to yourself, "Self, I think I just got ghosted. Oh, fucking well, plenty of chum in the ocean," and you start moving the fuck on with your life. But, wait! UP PERISCOPE! The submarine Fuckboy has surfaced again and is ready to start exploring your ocean again. Before you let him dive for your pearl, figure out if you want this so-so kind of lover. If not, see above.

3) The Fixer Upper Fuck Boy

This one is the female equivalent of when a guy is dating a girl and he is acting all "Captain Save a Hoe." You can't fix stupid, lazy, cheap, etc. And this Fuckboy knows he's a Fuckboy, but he is in for the swag. When a girl gets her titties-a-tingling, thinking "I can help him," she done made her first fatal fucking error. This guys knows exactly what the fuck his end game is, and it is "get mines, til I can't and then move the fuck along." He comes at you from a position of  'weakness' but is really using that to his advantage. Down on his luck cus he lost his job/apartment/got dumped by his ratchet ass ex girlfriend (and it was totally her fault because she was CRAZY)? Oh, of course you will buy him some shit, help him get back on his feet, let him crash at your place til he gets his life sorted out, and put the pieces of his sad sack life in order. This motherfucker probably doesn't even NEED you to do this, but maybe has some latent Mommy-Issues where he needs a woman to take care of him, even though he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He preys on a woman's nurturing nature, probably even sucking dem titties like a baby (and if that is what you are into, good on you, I don't judge peoples sexy time things). This Fuckboy also typically has something called hand-to-pocket disease. You can do a quick little test that doesn't even involve sticking a Q-tip in his pee-hole. Simply don't reach for the check the next time y'all are out for dranks, dinner, looking at titties, whatever. Leave your wallet at home. If this fixer-up Fuckboy doesn't try to pay for something at least this one time, he's not in it for you, he is in it for what you CAN do. He ain't JFK either, so he does not need to be asking what you can do for your country (him). Tooooooderooooooo, Motherfucker. And make sure this ass-hat didn't steal your cash or your credit cards on the way out the door.

4) The Classic Fuckboy

I know, I know, people are all like, ''Dis Bitch H-Bomb don't think we know how to spot the OG Fuckboy?'" You know how I know you don't know? BECAUSE Y'ALL ARE STILL FUCKING WITH FUCKBOYS. Even me. There, I said it. Since I wrote my first Fuckboy Fiesta, I too have fell victim to the wily ways of the Fuckboy. I know, y'all are saying, ''What the shit, H-Bomb, you were better than that.'' And I thought I  was. But getting dicked down feels SO good and even I am prone to getting dickmatized. So, I must warn all my buttercups (D-Cups make me happy, btw, send nudes) be on the lookout for all the Fuckboys, doing Fuckboy things, like blowing your back out then calling you an Uber because your dumb ass answered the WYD text at 12:40 am, when you know damn well your kids had school in the morning. Or, inviting you out to dinner and being on their phone the whole time ON TINDER. Fuck that noise. And if a guy won't claim you after he claimed your butt-hole, then tell him fuck outta here with that Fuckboy bullshit. If you want to keep telling yourself it's just sex, and it is ok if he is a Fuckboy, then I don't want to hear your shit when he says, "I just saw this" and but had that shit on read for 4 hours. Naw bitch, that ain't us.

With all these new variations of Fuckboy's popping up like a damn game of whack-a-mole, I used to feel like maybe I could rise above, be smarter, be better, DO BETTER. Nah, fuck that shit. I like getting my kitty petted like the next girl and I like riding the PTE all the way to O-Face Town. So if you can't beat them (and no, I am not saying catch a case dear hearts, most of us are too pretty for prison and we all know I will get traded for a menthol ciggy about 5 minutes into my stay at the Graybar Hotel) then join them.

LETS MAKE 2018 THE YEAR OF THE FUCKGIRL. THEY CAN'T BE A FUCKBOY, IF YOU A FUCKGIRL FIRST.

BOY BYE. 

15 NYC Roommate Horror Stories That'll Make You Want To Live Alone Forever

Comedy Central

1. The freeloader:

"I was living in a five-person studio when one night I woke up to a random person opening the door to my shack and climbing into my bed like it was empty. I tripped over the guy to get outside, and found my flatmates with their buddies — they'd gotten drunk, found a homeless guy, and thought it'd be funny to bring him back. They lost track of him and he just climbed in bed with me. I couldn't get out of that apartment fast enough!"

—Torey M., Facebook

2. The vomit venture:

"I moved to Brooklyn with two girls I'd met on Facebook. A few weeks in, I awoke to our doorbell at 1 a.m., then heard footsteps, then a SPLASH. When I opened my bedroom door, my roommate was literally spewing vomit all over the hallway, my door, even my toes. She had a group of people over who were walking through the vomit, tracking it all over our apartment. Luckily, my other roommate charged downstairs to make everyone leave, but I was stuck bleaching and cleaning up until 3:45 in the morning."

—Anna Kopsky

Apatow Productions

3. The full package:

"I'm a girl, and I used to live with three guys in Brooklyn — one of whom would watch porn in our living room in broad daylight and jack off to it. One time, he came home at 3 a.m., screaming, 'BURN THE WITCH!' repeatedly out the window to his girlfriend. He also was in jail at one point for heroin possession, and actively did shrooms and other psychedelics. But that's not the worst part: He also set up a hidden camera in our bathroom to watch me. We called the police and kicked him out after that."

—ladydee

4. The butterfly:

"My roommate and I were texting about my dog on my way home from work late one night. When I got home, we started talking through his door. I knocked on his door to thank him, and when he said, 'Yeah?' which I took to mean, 'Come on in.' I opened the door to him on his bed, in butterfly position, with no pants on. Then, he slowly closed his laptop. He was masturbating. I made eye contact with my roommate while he was masturbating."

—glennam45

NBC

5. The intimidator:

"Soon after I moved in with my new roommate, she'd wait for me to come home, asking where I'd been. She told me that she wished there were a realistic Hunger Games theme park, where she 'could actually kill people.' She also told me a story about how at some college in China, a student was made fun of by his roommate. As a chemistry major, he had access to a variety of chemicals in the lab and ended up poisoning his roommate. After telling this horrible story, she told me that that was why one should 'never mess with their roommate.' I was VERY cautious around her."

—nikegurly07

6. The pukey pal:

"I ended up living with a girl who insisted that she didn't speak any English, even though I saw all of her homework written in English, so we could never work anything out. Also one weekend I went to visit my family, and when I came back I found one of her friends asleep in my bed, and she'd puked all over my brand new sheets."

—Viv Jean, Facebook

Bravo

7. The dog debacle:

"I found a roommate on Craigslist, and she seemed sane. Then one day, after brunch, she pulled me outside to scold me for not doing HER dishes, because 'she worked more hours than me.' She continued by explaining how she didn't really NEED a roommate, and that she just chose me so her dog would have company. It compounded exponentially from there, and later on she accused me of killing her dog, which died about four or five months after I left."

—Jen Anne Gillette, Facebook

8. The sponge situation:

"I once realized my roommate was using the bathroom toilet and shower sponge to clean some dishes. When I told him it was for cleaning the toilet, he just shrugged and kept going. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night rewashing them. Disgusting."

—l4df8

NBC

9. The case of the cat:

"I once had a fantastic roommate who had to move out suddenly. Unfortunately for me, the girl who moved in after him was awful and barely paid attention to her surroundings. One night, she left the window open, my cat got out, and when the cat returned, it was pregnant. I was furious."

—bernardb4

10. The pig party:

"One morning I came back to my apartment at 7 a.m., and there were five shirtless dudes I'd never seen before, passed out in my living room. To top it off, an actual teacup pig (that I'd also never seen before) came running around the corner — and then started eating out of an ashtray. They all belonged to my roommate."

—kaitlynleef

Universal Studios

11. The satanic sweatshirt:

"My roommate was a college student I met on Craigslist. One day she had this sweater hanging up to dry in our living room. I told her how cute it was, and she gave me a deadly serious look. 'Um, thanks, I might throw it out though. I think it's possessed by the devil.' I asked why she thought that, and she said, 'The woman I bought it from told me.' AND YOU STILL BOUGHT IT AND BROUGHT IT INTO OUR HOME? OKAY."

—wrestlecrow

12. The Dave drama:

"In July 2009, my friend and I moved to Manhattan Valley. We did a Craigslist search to fill our last room, and found Dave. Things were fine for three weeks, and he'd been doing some freelance carpentry work with our landlord on our building. One day, we realized we hadn't seen Dave for some time, and his door was ajar. We peeked in, and all of his stuff was still there, with a note on his bedside table. He wrote that our landlord was 'an awful person and we should avoid him at all costs.' He apologized for leaving in the middle of the night, stated he never actually paid his share of the first month's rent and security, but left all of his stuff and told us to 'sell it to cover his share.'"

—Allie Amanda, Facebook

LOGO TV

13. The comb confrontation:

"I lived with a girl I met on Craigslist. One night I asked if she borrowed my comb, and she got up in my face, screaming about how if I said one more word to her she'd kill me, then hunt down my family, and 'baptize herself in their blood.' She continued to yell various other threats through my closed door. I moved out."

—ImpossibleGirl

14. The terrible towel tale:

"I came home one morning at 7 a.m. to get ready for work. There was a towel in the bathtub that was still kind of wet and had sand all over it, so I rung it out and hung it over our patio balcony. I didn't think too much about it until I later asked my roommate if she had fun at the beach. Confused, she replied, 'I didn't go to the beach. My girlfriend and I tried cocaine and threw up in the bathtub last night."

—Anonymous

FOX

15. And the water bottle war:

"One of my roommates in the city was from Egypt, studying and acting in NYC. She was strange from the start, but the strangest thing was that she kept always two or three water bottles in the bathroom beside the toilet with the squeeze top, and I never asked why they were there, but one day she randomly said to me, 'If you're wondering what those water bottles are for, it's just... how I clean myself after I poop.'"

—beckye4

via - BuzzFeed

Don't Fuck With The "Wolfman"

Out of all the houses to break into, these two burglars made the worst choice possible. The pair of thieves are Garfield Morgan, 54, and his 36 year old buddy Kim Gorton. While both are life-long burglars, their careers ended on the worst note possible. Usually you want to exit the game with a big score. Unfortunately the “big score” they encountered was not what they had in mind.

Harry Harrington stands 6’7″ and weighs over 300lbs. These are not 300 pounds of couch potato. This is pure muscle throughout, and no doubt quite a large package between the legs. You see, Harry is also a notorious homosexual sex predator, with a long record for assaults on gays. Being such an aggressive and predatory sex assaulter, with an enormous build, this is one dude you don’t want to cross. But these two guys not only crossed him, but broke into his house!

Known also as “The Wolfman”, Harrington man-handled the men with ease. He proceeded to tie them up, then did what he does – assaulted them for five days straight!

The cries for help were so overwhelming, that a neighbor eventually heard the men and called police.

The men were completely filled with trauma and pain. The ordeal they went through must have been unthinkable. Though many commentators believe they got what was coming to them, and then some.

It’s hard to believe that some think that five days of being raped by a guy called “The Wolfman” is really justified for thieving. On top of that the men will be doing more time inside. Harrington is also headed back inside as well for his assault.


via- SomeDaily

Meet Frank. He's An Asshole

Lipstick? Or Lipdicks?

Guys, we need to talk about these lipsticks that popped up in my Instagram feed last night. LOOK. AT. THEM.

@prozac_morris / Via instagram.com

Hehe, popped up.

THEY ARE PERFECT LIL’ VEINY LIPSTICKS, ER, LIPDICKS IN A MULTITUDE OF WEEN SHADES.

@prozac_morris / Via instagram.com

I NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT.

Some even have a ~touch~ of shimmer.

@trailerswift / Via instagram.com

Beautiful.

But obvi I needed to know more info.

@cosmobyjessandtay / Via instagram.com

So I put on my investigative journalism hat (aka used Google) and found out that you can buy these Mushroom Penis Lipsticks in a pack of 12 on Amazon for $18.

Amazon / Via amazon.com

Their colors range from “creamy pinks” (ew) to “opal rouge,” and each lipstick is “complete with a veiny shaft and perfect mushroom head,” according to the product description.

@grownfolkparty / Via instagram.com

And TBH, the reviews are the best part…

Amazon / Via amazon.com

“Her fave colour is hooker red.”

…to find out if they ~sucked~ or not.

Amazon / Via amazon.com

I HAD TO.

And listen, I know it’s not everyone’s ~taste~…

@yelato / Via instagram.com

I CANNOT STOP HELP

…but lipdicks are here 2 stay, bbs.

@drac_makens / Via instagram.com

*blows kiss*

via - BuzzFeed