Monday, March 28, 2011

Advice Column: Wrap Your Wang

Dear J-Wun,

I'm a little freaked out. About 2 weeks ago, I was at a bar with my buddies getting drunk and I met this really good looking brunette. Long story short, we hit it off like a walk-off homerun in the bottom 9th and well, a few weeks later, I think she gave me something. I wasn't wearing a condom and now, every time I have to urinate, it hurts like hell. I figure you must have known someone that went through this and I just want to know what I should do. To be honest, I'm embarrassed and don't want anyone to know. Especially my parents since I'm still under their health insurance. I should also mention, I haven't heard back from the girl I hooked up with and wonder how do I tell her the news? I hope to get some type of advice that will help. Appreciate it and keep up the great work with the blog.

Many Thanks,
Bad Decisions

Dear Bad Decisions,

Hey there, guy. You do fucking realize I'm a wannabe therapist, right? I'm not some mother fucker that can cure dick warts or whatever the fuck you might have. All I'm saying is when I read your email, I was so fucking disturbed that I honestly felt MY dick might have something. And I haven't even raw dogged a random skank in ages. For fuck's sake man, why in God's name did you write me this awful shit? C'mon duuuuude...where the fuck do I even start? Whatever advice or wisdom I offer, just make sure you listen and listen good you little prick. We good? Lets do this...

It's obvious that you don't like wearing condoms. What guys do, right? Everyone can say all the bullshit they want but, at the end of the day, raw dogging some hatchet wound just feels so damn good. All.The.Time. It's like an added incentive...kinda like when you put chocolate syrup on your ice cream. Sure the ice cream is good on it's own but when you add chocolate syrup, it's like you're not even eating the same fucking ice cream anymore. Yummy in my fucking tummy, slut.

One-night stands, although an amazing way to get laid, are what I like to call, "peer pressured moments". Think about it. You're at a bar, fucking shitfaced and a hottie walks up to you. You don't know her and she sure as hell doesn't know you. The only thing the both of you know, is that you're horny, you find each other attractive and you want to fuck like you're getting ready for the biggest gang bang of your adult life. You talk, laugh, flirt, make-out a little, and before last call, the question pops up..."So, you wanna get out of here and head back to my place?" 103% of the time, you're saying, "Lets go." Now, there you her place. Making out all hot and heavy. Clothes flying all over the goddamn place and she's wetter than a goddamn 5 gallon water jug, splattered all over a cafeteria floor. Your cock is as hard as granite and Hottie Magee says, "Put your cock in me and fuck my brains out." What a fucking way to get things going Zorro, but here is where the dilemma begins...

I will guarantee you that 68% of one-night stands end up in unprotected sex. Why? It's simple. You're fucking drunk. You're fucking horny. You're fucking butt ass naked with a vagina as wet as a goddamn slip n' slide 2 feet in front of your face, while your cock has transformed into a battering ram ready to fuck some shit into a seizure. Sure you carried a condom in your pocket in hopes to get laid when you went out, but guess what? That condom is now in the living room where you were getting your cock swallowed and taint tickled, and you can't just fuck up "the moment" by saying, "Oh, can you hold on for I don't know, 20 minutes, while I try to find the 10 month old Trojan that I hope is still in my jean pocket that's hanging out in your living room?" Fuck that shit. You don't even think about it because what that woman wants, you want her to get...PRONTO. But you know what else you don't think about? Is if this bitch has some nasty shit on or in her vagina. Why would you, right? She's hot, has a freshly waxed cooter and smells way too good. No woman like that could possibly be carrying an STD let alone fucking AIDS, right? Only one-legged prostitutes and bitches named "Diamond" carry that shit. You're in the goddamn clear. W-R-O-N-G.

Look man, I know I'm gonna sound like a goddamn "ABC After School Special" but, this shit is a HUGE problem. Men fucking love raw dogging (and women love it just as much...don't be lying bitches). And in your case, you love raw dogging so much that your dick is now a goddamn human fucking blow torch. Ouch. The mistake you made was severe but in all honesty, any dude in their right mind would have done the exact same fucking thing. Drunk + Hot Chick + Random Sex = A RAW DOGGIN' GOOD TIME. The part that fucking sucks is that this bitch wasn't woman enough to tell you her pussy had some major fucking issues. That shit right there is just fucked up and wrong. Call it greed or whatever, but ain't no amount of alcohol could make your ass forget if something is wrong with your goods. I'm thinking this is her payback to the guy who passed this lovey disease to her 4 weeks prior. Shitty for you, your ass was on the receiving end of her anger. Hope the pussy was worth it man. Looks like that ice cream is tasting like shit right now, huh?

Now comes the fun part on how to deal with this. I wish I had some encouraging words but I really fucking don't. No one I know has come up to me and said, "Hey bro, I got some shit on my dick, can you take a look and let me know what I should do about it?" I got my own fucking cock to worry about so if there is one piece of advice I should give you, it's this...GO TO THE GODDAMN DOCTOR YOU RETARDED FUCK. What the fuck are you doing sitting around burning down goddamn bathrooms for the last few weeks? Dude, the day it hurts to take a leak, your ass should be in the ER shoving your cock in the doc's face begging him for help. You know who ignores these types of problems? Bums mother fucker. Why? Because they don't have fucking health insurance. Fuck what your goddamn parents think. Make up some shit. At the end of the day, they'll laugh and think you're so silly for telling them, "The doctor bill was so high because I wanted to experience what it was like to raw dog some bitches wasted." They will think that means you were in a hot dog eating contest and unfortunately were choking because you were eating too fucking fast while intoxicated (or something like that). And as far as being embarrassed? Your situation is all over this blog and you writing me was probably the dumbest fucking thing one college student could ever do. Congrats you fucking idiot.

Lastly, and sadly, you're never gonna hear back from that chick, man. And if you did, what the fuck is she gonna say? "Sorry I gave you herpes and your dick now grows a special type of fungus?" The damage is done man. Worry about yourself and taking care of whatever is wrong with your dick, bro. I'm fucking shocked (as are these readers) as to why you would wait so goddamn long to address this issue. Realize and recognize that you aren't alone. There are many men out there that have been in your situation and unlike you, have taken care of the problem immediately. I hope you learned your lesson and don't spread your dick disease to some other chick. That shit ain't right and is reason to get your dick chopped off.

You should have just ate the ice cream as is. That chocolate syrup fucked you, buddy. Big time.

It Should Never Hurt to Pee,



Anonymous said...

Go to the doctor asap jackass! My current husband of 18 years decided to raw dog a chick 3 days before he and I met. You know what that led to???? Warts mother fucker. Her present to both of us. And obviously, condoms were NEVERRRR used in my little story. Buy a fucking case at Costco or Sam's Warehouse Club or wherever, just use them every damn time. Raw dogging also leads to kids you don't want nor are ready for with crazy bar hopping one night stand bitches that will eat you alive for child support. Wake up and smell the burning coffee and penis!! D-O-C-T-O-R....NOW!

Anonymous said...

That's right; speaking of getting your ( dick! ) chopped off, that dirty dude would no longer have the ( balls! ) to ( fuck! ) around any more. Just ask Wayne Bobbitt; his ( member! ) was maimed however much years ago......

And don't put it "I"n, unless you put it "O"n!!!!

Anonymous said...

Agreed. I had a one timer turn into a $450 planned parenthood visit to alleviate the problem. Not worth it young man. Wrap it up or reach up in there and make sure that chick has an IUD at the very least. Jesus man, chlamydia can cause sterility and syphilis is nasty but both are CUREABLE. You're luck it isn't a virus. Go now, get some antibiotics before you ruin your sperm maker.
-J wun fan and PhD microbiologist.

Anonymous said...

Planned parenthood will check you on a sliding fee and not require insurance information. Plus they'll give you free condoms. Time to smarten up or risk loss of penis.

T-Bone said...

It's all fun and games until someone loses a wiener. Wrap that rascal.

Anonymous said...

Every city has a free clinic where you can get tested and treated for stds just call the local hospital and ask anonymously for the number and get that shit taken care of!

LBranch said...

"The part that fucking sucks is that this bitch wasn't woman enough to tell you her pussy had some major fucking issues. That shit right there is just fucked up and wrong."

Is that really the theory we're working with? Maybe this is the case, but I'm more inclined to believe she didn't know she had an STD. Hell, the only reason this dude knew he caught something was because he happened to manifest symptoms--most people don't. That's the danger of not getting yourself tested regularly + not protecting yourself when engaging in risky behavior. What would've happened if it didn't hurt to pee and he had no other obvious symptoms? He would've raw-dogged the next chick and given it to her. The lesson here is this: you're an adult (demonstrated by your X-rated behavior), so fucking ACT like it and get tested once a year, and protect yourself and others when you're horny and end up with a stranger in your bed. The only thing worse than catching a permanent STD is, ten years from now, explaining what you've got to the love of your life and watching her face fall as she mentally decides if you're worth it or not. Also, watch the movie "Kids" to scare yourself straight if JW's lesson doesn't sink in.