Dear God...

As I sit here watching the Texas/Oakland game on my computer screen at work, trying not to puke or shit my brains out, I wanted to write you this letter to ask you something big guy. I wanted to ask you for forgiveness.

I got fucking drunk last night. Not out of control drunk. Just shitfaced. Not to the point where I was running around naked and shit. But to the point where I crashed on my buddies couch and am basically wearing the same shit I wore yesterday to work, but my buddy was nice enough to let me borrow a t-shirt. I mean, I was brushing my teeth with my goddamn fingers this morning. I could have been better off chewing gum or something. What was I thinking doing that? It feels as if a dog shit in my mouth. Maybe I should drink something, huh?

My fucking head hurts and I have to take a huge shit that I'm pretty sure isn't gonna smell too good. I gotta puke I think. Just typing the words "puke" makes me want to puke. Why did I drink all that Guinness yesterday? And those car bombs. Fuck, that was a bad idea but pretty fucking amazing at the time. Are you punishing me or am I just getting too fucking old? Be right back...

I'm back and you know what happened? I went to the bathroom and puked. A lot. Then shat. So much that it piled above the water. All at the same time while snot bubbles came out of my nose. Snot fucking bubbles God. I didn't even know that was possible. I'm in such bad shape that my boss told me I looked like shit and then he laughed. I asked if I can go home early. He said yeah but I have to make it past 1pm. I'm fucked. That feels like it's 24 fucking hours away. I'm never drinking again.

You know what? Fuck this. I can't fucking type anymore. Who the fuck am I fucking kidding. I smell awful. I look like shit. I have to take another shit. And I need to go home. Forgive me if you want. I don't care anymore. This is bullshit. Peace.

J-Wunderfuck