Today's a great fucking day! You know why? Not only is it St. Fucking Patrick's Day, but it's Day 1 of the NCAA March Madness Tourney. Talk about Christmas come fucking early, right?
With a day like today, I know a few things:
1) 100% hoops fans will be unproductive at work. When I say unproductive, I mean mother fuckers will not be working but acting like they are, with a set of head phones on. All.Day.Long.
2) Lunch breaks will be an hour longer. Tabs will be $100's more.
3) 82% of employees will smell like fried food and booze throughout the day.
4) No one will work til 5pm.
5) 88% of America will be intoxicated for one of three reasons: 1) March Madness, 2) St. Patrick's Day, 3) Both
6) 50% of people will lose a lot of money. Whether it was betting on 1st round games or at the bar buying people they don't even know, drinks.
7) 64% of men and women will get laid for either the first time in their pathetic lives or for the 30th time.
8) 44% of men and women will have a drunken, blacked out, one night stand.
9) 15% out of these people boning tonight, will contract an STD. Specifically, herpes.
10) 20% of these drunken fucks will get arrested. Not for fighting. But for just being too fucking drunk.
11) 10% will for sure get arrested for fighting.
12) The streets of San Franciso and around the world will smell like stale beer and puke tomorrow.
13) 80% of women will wear the shirt, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish." Please note: there is a 90% chance they will not kiss you because they're bitches and just want attention.
14) 54% of couples will argue. It will be for a few reasons: 1) One of them is too fucking drunk, 2) One of them is flirting way too much with the opposite sex, 3) One of them threw up and just got kicked out of a bar, 4) One of them is too emotional because they are way too fucking drunk, 5) One of them is too drunk to have sex.
15) If booze runs out at a bar, there WILL be violence and some shit will be burned to the goddamn ground.
16) 80% of employees will either call in sick tomorrow or look so hungover that they will be sent home from work.
17) Every toilet in America tomorrow will have shit stains from the massive consumption of Guinness and Jameson.
18) 75% of people will not remember where they were between the hours of 7pm-3am on 3.17.2011.
19) Every person will have three new phone numbers in their cell.
20) The madness will start all over again.
20 things. 20 FACTUAL things. Happy St. Fucking Patty's Madness folks!
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