Showing posts with label anal sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anal sex. Show all posts
Friday, December 7, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Jamie ButI...
best of craigslist > washington, DC > RE:RE Anal Sex
Originally Posted: Wed, 29 Sep 14:31 EDTRE:RE Anal Sex
Date: 2004-09-29, 2:31PM EDT
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…
I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”
Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the ‘in’ thing.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”
After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:
“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”
I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.
Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that would have made Bambi looked like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.
But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.
Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick?”
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
“OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a
shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:
The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.
I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.
What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).
Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.
I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.
Thanks Tucker
PostingID: 43994859Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…
I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”
Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the ‘in’ thing.”
Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”
After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:
“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”
I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.
Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that would have made Bambi looked like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.
But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.
Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick?”
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
“OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a
shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
POST-SCRIPT:
The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.
I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.
What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).
Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.
I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.
Thanks Tucker
Friday, July 6, 2012
Advice Column: The Ol' Alley-Poop
I need your help! And I know you can give it to me straight! Back story...I have a great friend with benefits thing going on. I travel for business, so it's only every few months we get together. And I blow his mind every time. I even let him get in my ass...which is where the problem happened. Last night when he pulled out, a little extra slipped out too. Nothing like that awesome post you had, but enough. He didn't really say anything about it, should I? Or do we pretend it didn't happen?
Dear Shit Brick,
I am sorry you have found yourself in such a shitty situation. Pun Intended. Be prepared for more of those too, because, well, this shit is funny. Normally, talking about dookie gives me a case of the barfs, but when you are talking about a sex-dookie, that kind of shit is straight comedy.
My heart truly goes out to you because I am sure you are so embarrassed that you smudged this guy's wang. And since you are embarrassed, you probably want to make amends for forgetting your Depends. Unfortunately, sweet tits, Hallmark doesn’t make a card for, "Oops, I shit my pants...on your dick," so there is not much you can do to make up for Hershey squirting his dong. Well, you could have sucked his dick right after, but we all know that unless you are a porn star, you never go ass to mouth. EVER.
Speaking of porn stars, the reason you are feeling embarrassed is largely due to the porn industry. I whole heartedly blame them. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you the fuck why: when people fuck in the butt, as we all want to do quite often (ok, only some of us), it is very rarely like what we see in a porno. There is no director telling us where to put our legs, how to throw our head back and give the "fuck me in my doo-doo hole" face, no person fluffing the dick before we get it, so we can just focus on the fucking. We are left to write our own scripts and direct our own version of Butt-Booty-Fiesta 72.
Just think - if there is no one directing your fuckterpiece, then how would you have known ahead of time that someone was going to run a train on your brown eye? You didn’t. You were getting sexed up proper and got all caught up in the moment, with condoms, lube, and hair flying everywhere and I bet you just went for it. In da butt. The balloon knot. The brown eye. The...wait, what? I am sure that while it was happening you weren't even thinking about the shaftermath of what was going to be on dude's dick.
You know why anal sex looks good on camera? Because those bitches know well in advance what is going to be inserted into their butts. They have the opportunity to get enemas, a colonic, a flush or whatever they fuck they need to do to make sure there is no surprise doo-doo brown on camera. It's kind of like when we get our vag waxed, shave our legs or put on a clean pair of pajamas in anticipation of sexy time. We prepare for what we think is going to go down. Not up our ass. Next time, you just need to plan a little better. And maybe take a good shit before hand to clear up the runway.
Now, the most important question: Do you bring up that you pooped on this dude's dick? Sure, if you never want to fuck this guy again. Seriously. I don't care how cool someone is, if they didn't talk about you shitting on their dick, then why the fuck do you want to revisit the crap-tastic experience? I get that you have a little thing for pain. People who like anal have to like a little pain, because no matter how much lube you use or how slow you go, putting something in a hole that is normally an "exit only" is not going to feel fantastic right away. But, that is physical pain and physical pain does not compare to emotional pain, which bringing this up will most definitely cause.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that if the guy didn’t mention it, it's because of two things:
1 - He didn’t notice it. Which I highly doubt, but I will throw that out there to make you feel a little better. If he didn’t notice it then why the fuck do you want to bring it to light? You don’t, so get the fuck over it and over yourself and continue to let him ride the Pound Town Express right into to your poop shoot. Choo choo mother fucker.
2 - He did notice it, but you just let him stick his dick into your ass, so he is going to give you a pass. Instead of tit for tat he is going shit for shaft. Go with it. Prior to the down-town brown, you probably sexed him pretty good, so why the fuck is he going to mess that up over a little brown goo. It’s not like you shit on his mom, on Mother’s day, in church. Wait, what?
Have I not mentioned before that men are pretty simple creatures? For the record, they are. Pretty much all they want is food, sex and silence. Well, you gave him the sex, so throw him a snack and shut the fuck up about it already. Just don’t give him a Hershey Bar. That would be rude.
I hope you heed this advice and don't get all tight-assed over your shit ass. It's only going to ruin an other wise booty-full relationship. Just keep fucking, ya dig?
H-Bomb
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
To Porn or not to Porn
That is the question. That is actually the million dollar fucking question. If you ask someone if they watch/like porn you will usually get one of two responses: "FUCK YEAH!!!!!! I love porn!" or "Ewwww disgusting. Porn is gross. I would never let my (fill in the blank) watch that stuff. It is so degrading and who does that kind of stuff, anyway." And then you have to listen to a 15 minute dissertation on why porn is bad, blah, blah, fucking blah - YAWN! This is for all my porn haters.
I think for most of the people who actually don't like porn it stems from the same thing that all isms (racism, sexism, ageism, etc.) stem from - fear and lack of proper knowledge. So let me help you understand why consensual sex, captured on film, between a man, a woman and possibly a football team is fine and actually a shit ton of fun...to watch.
1) Porn is NOT dirty. Let's actually back that up a little farther. Sex is not dirty. Sex is the most fun you can legally have alone, or with someone (or many someones, hey, we don't judge here). Anyone who says otherwise is doing it wrong or with the wrong person(s). So, if sex is not dirty and porn is just sex captured on film, then porn must not be dirty, right? Are we all following along? I get that some people are repressed and have hang-ups about sex. You know...the ones that immediately shower after sex. Not because they just had the hottest, sweatiest, most jizztastic sex session ever and if they don't rinse the body fluids off their body they may stick together, but the ones that just did it missionary position and it lasted 3 minutes and now they must wash the "shame" off. Those are the ones I am referring to and in my opinion they need porn more than anyone else here. They could benefit from a little healthy sexploration.
Here's a fun porn fact: There are all different levels of porn out there. From the soft core "Erotica", to the hard core shit. Some of which even frightens me a little. Granny-trannies? Not my bag baby, but if it's yours, do your thing. Just find your niche, comfort level and get it popping.
2) Porn is not degrading. When I see a woman in the pile driver position getting fucked in the ass by some big dude, I think to myself "Goddamn, that chick is getting the business" not "Oh, I bet she feels violated." Remember earlier, when I used the word consensual? It means to give consent. As in she said "oh, you are going to fuck me in the ass today? I am OK with that" and then they did their scene. Most feminists find porn degrading because they feel it objectifies women and blah, blah, blah, again with the blahs. Everyone on that set from the stars to the fluffer is getting paid to do a job. And paid very well, I might add. Remember this if you think someone who makes porn is being exploited or degraded: every day we all go to work and some of us get fucked in the ass literally and some of us figuratively. Porn stars chose to do it openly, on-camera and sans clothes.
3) The lady doth protest too much. I tend to find that people (women) that say they don't watch porn or think it's disgusting are the ones who like it the most. Real Talk. However, because porn is such a taboo, most people (again, women, do I need to keep doing this or can we all just acknowledge I am talking about women?) are afraid to admit they like it. And some women like it just as much, if not more, than some men. So listen lady, shut the fuck up about not liking porn and let's be real. I bet if I checked your browser I would find RedTube or YourPorn or whatever you're into. Don't lie, bitches. Celebrate. Even better, tell your man you like it. I bet you get the ride of your life tonight.
4) No matter what he says, your man is watching porn. Trust me on this. I have 2 older brothers. I have been finding secret stashes of porn since I was a little kid. I can sniff that shit out faster than a pig can find truffles. Give me 15 minutes in your house and if there is a porn stash I am gonna find it. Thanks to the Internet, they don't even need to have a porn stash any more. And thanks to private browsing, no one needs to know what the fuck they were watching. So, please, please, please believe me when I say your man is watching porn. Even if he is a shower-after-missionary-sex kind of lay, he is watching it.
5) We are all voyeurs. On some level we all have some fascination about watching other people do things, from fucking to every day life. Look at reality television. We get way more intimate, personal details of someone's life than just their sex acts when we watch these network shows. We get to the gristle of a mother fucker, and we eat that shit up. So, when someone says that they don't watch porn because it is "love making between a man and a woman and that is sacred", or some other such nonsense, you get a giant "what the fuck" from me. You just watched a show where someone proposed, someone talks about miscarriage, someone loses a parent/sibling/loved one and you think watching a chick fuck another girl while some guy jacks off is crossing an intimacy boundary? Bitch, please.
I know there are some people out there who are actually not turned on at all by porn. That I can get. If no porn is your porn, then good for you. Indifference I can actually understand. It is the people who say they hate porn and then go off on it like it is the worst thing in the world I am going to give the "what the fuck is really going on with you", face. The worst thing in the world is little kids dying from hunger. Not porn. True Story.
So tonight, when there is nothing on T.V. and your person looks at you and says, "Goddamn, there's nothing on T.V.", just ask them if they would rather watch some porn. And get some, son.
You're fucking very goddamn welcome.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Advice Column: Exit Only
Dear J-Wunder,Ok my friend, here's the thing...my old man likes anal. I'm a dirty girl and will let him do lots of freaky shit, but I'm not an anal all-star. I'll do it, but I don't think I get porn star enough for him because I find it painful. See, he's larger than my guys before. I love him and want to please him in all ways sexually. I know he loves me. He tells me it's not a big deal, but is he being truthful? Is it an issue I should worry about? I need a mans out look on this.
Thanks,
Not a fan of the back door
Dear Not a Fan of the Back Door,
FACT: Men love sex.
FACT: Men will push the envelope with women when it comes to sex. Translation: asking her if they could put their dong in their pooper.
True motherfucking story sweet tits.
Don't be alarmed though you sexy little vixen. This shit is fucking normal. Realize that dudes LOVE to fuck. Dudes LOVE vagina. Dudes LOVE trying to get away with almost the impossible...like, putting it in a chicks asshole. I'm almost convinced that every man has attempted or at least asked to fuck a one-night stand, girlfriend, a benny or prostitute in the dookie hole at least once, if not twice, in their life. Real talk.
There's no need for you to be fucking worried...about anything. Look, I get that you love your man and you would do just about anything thing for him. Even go through the pain of having his large member enter your tiny little goats eye. But is this love worth getting your asshole ripped to shreds so you could fit the barrel of a bat inside your anus while walking around like you been riding the Bologna Pony Express since you were 16? Probably not. So why even sweat the issue, right?
Don't over think your situation because I know for a goddamn fact your man isn't. Just know he's like any typical guy who constantly thinks about sex. Sex with your mouth. Sex with your vagina. And yes...sex with your balloon knot. I couldn't make this shit up. We think about it all the motherfucking time...without goddamn question. Put it this way...if you gave your man the choice to eliminate having sex with your mouth, vagina or dookie hole...you know what he's gonna choose? The dookie hole. And do you know why he's gonna say "no thanks" to the Hershey Highway? Because ain't no better feeling then a nice warm mouth and a super wet va-jay-jay. I can feel it already...mmmmm. But I digress...
What you're experiencing is VERY common. He's just testing the waters to see how far you'll run with it, you know? I mean, you did say you were a freak, right? NEWS FLASH: Once a woman admits she's a freak, 96.4432% of men ASSUME the bitch loves getting pounded in the ass. Don't ask me why, don't even ask me how. We just do. Telling a man or showing him an inkling of freakness will give him the idea that you like it in EVERY hole. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to fuck your bellybutton for good measure. I'm dead fucking serious.
Keep being freaky in the sack, let him know your asshole is an "exit only", and fuck him so good that he never brings it up again. If he does, then do this...
Next time you're fucking his brains out, pull out a butt plug (one preferably the size of his cock). Tell him, "Sweety, if you're gonna fuck me in the ass with your big ass dick, then I want you to feel what I'm feeling with this little gift jammed in your asshole." Trust me, you do that, I'm pretty sure the motherfucker will never bring up the subject ever again. However, if he's down with this suggestion, not only are you on your own but, you're fucked...big time!
5 dollars says he's down,
J-Wunder
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patty's Madness
Today's a great fucking day! You know why? Not only is it St. Fucking Patrick's Day, but it's Day 1 of the NCAA March Madness Tourney. Talk about Christmas come fucking early, right?
With a day like today, I know a few things:
1) 100% hoops fans will be unproductive at work. When I say unproductive, I mean mother fuckers will not be working but acting like they are, with a set of head phones on. All.Day.Long.
2) Lunch breaks will be an hour longer. Tabs will be $100's more.
3) 82% of employees will smell like fried food and booze throughout the day.
4) No one will work til 5pm.
5) 88% of America will be intoxicated for one of three reasons: 1) March Madness, 2) St. Patrick's Day, 3) Both
6) 50% of people will lose a lot of money. Whether it was betting on 1st round games or at the bar buying people they don't even know, drinks.
7) 64% of men and women will get laid for either the first time in their pathetic lives or for the 30th time.
8) 44% of men and women will have a drunken, blacked out, one night stand.
9) 15% out of these people boning tonight, will contract an STD. Specifically, herpes.
10) 20% of these drunken fucks will get arrested. Not for fighting. But for just being too fucking drunk.
11) 10% will for sure get arrested for fighting.
12) The streets of San Franciso and around the world will smell like stale beer and puke tomorrow.
13) 80% of women will wear the shirt, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish." Please note: there is a 90% chance they will not kiss you because they're bitches and just want attention.
14) 54% of couples will argue. It will be for a few reasons: 1) One of them is too fucking drunk, 2) One of them is flirting way too much with the opposite sex, 3) One of them threw up and just got kicked out of a bar, 4) One of them is too emotional because they are way too fucking drunk, 5) One of them is too drunk to have sex.
15) If booze runs out at a bar, there WILL be violence and some shit will be burned to the goddamn ground.
16) 80% of employees will either call in sick tomorrow or look so hungover that they will be sent home from work.
17) Every toilet in America tomorrow will have shit stains from the massive consumption of Guinness and Jameson.
18) 75% of people will not remember where they were between the hours of 7pm-3am on 3.17.2011.
19) Every person will have three new phone numbers in their cell.
20) The madness will start all over again.
20 things. 20 FACTUAL things. Happy St. Fucking Patty's Madness folks!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Laker Fan Tradition
Since my DROID Incredible has 80 million fucking directions to take a goddamn screen shot for text messages, I went ghetto fabulous and took this shit with another camera phone instead. Enjoy!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
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