Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Interesting questions from a loving fan.

Q: Would you rather eat shit or have someone take a shit on you?

A: The fucked up thing about this question is that there's no goddamn option to say, "None of the above". Thanks, bitch. Soooo, being that I only have two options, I would have to say, I would rather have someone take a shit on me. Eating shit is just fucking wrong. I mean, for fuck's sake, you're eating shit goddamnit. Mother fuckers from 3rd World countries would rather starve for another 30 years then eat shit...if that tells you anything. At least if someone is gonna take a shit on me, I can wash it off with soap, Clorox, Comet, sulfuric acid...something...anything. Sure it may be embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as possibly eating a piece of goddamn dookie so big, that it looks like one of those maple donut bars from Krispy Kreme. Fuck all that. Shit all you want on me, sick fuck.


Q: Do you drink more beer or wine? If wine, are you gay or just trying to be fancy?

A: Interesting question. When I'm at a bar, I'm drinking beer. Two reasons: 1) It's cheaper than wine, 2) The bars I go to, the only wine they serve is called a Purple Hooter. If you ever see me drink some shit like that in public, be sure to walk up to me and kick me in the fucking sack and call me a goddamn pussy. However, I do like wine once in a while. And no, I ain't fucking gay nor am I trying to be fancy. Wine does a few things for me: 1) Gets me fucking drunk, 2) Makes me happy and horny as shit, 3) Doesn't give me a hangover. I drink wine because the fucking shit is delicious. I don't try to be all cool and think I know the "legs" of each kind. The only legs I know are the ones that will be spreading eagle in front of me at the end of the night. So yeah, I don't know if I answered whatever the fuck you asked me, but there you go.


Q: Have you ever killed an animal?

A: Hmmm...I actually don't think so. I've never shot an animal and I haven't choked one. Wait... that's not true. Come to think of it, I choke a chicken on a daily basis. While I'm drowning it in the shower and smothering it in Dove Soap...which by the way, makes the cock all smooth and soft...great on the skin for those of you that haven't tried it. So don't be trying to call PETA on me either bitch, because you'll be the first human I kill if you go there.


Q: Do you play with your taint?

A: I wouldn't say I've "played" with my taint. More like, I've brushed it "more than once" in passing when I play with my balls watching ESPN or The Food Network. What I don't get, is why hair grows in that area? Do you know how many hot ass summers I've had to deal with major swamp taint? That shit ain't cool. And can someone tell me why chicks like to lick that area like it's a goddamn Otter Pop? Yeah, I said it. Chicks dig the taint and it's pretty fucking scary. Don't get me wrong, it's all good but, on a hot ass day (especially in the south), it's like they're eating 2 week old take-out from Ying Sangs Chinese fucking Restaurant. How is that fucking right? Like I say, it Taint your balls and it Taint your ass. It's the taint, and that shit ain't fucking right.


Q: On average, how many times do you fart a day?

A: Enough to kill a child locked in a 8' x 8' room with padded walls. What I'm telling you, is that I could be a mass murderer with my ass gas. Especially on days that I eat Mexican food. And if you thought my consistent farting was amazing, you should see the toilet after I take a shit. TMI? Well, GFY (Go Fuck Yourself). Just sayin'...


Q: Is it possible to get herpes from smoking a joint with someone?

A: First rule of thumb: If you ever...ever, ever, EVERRRRR, have any type of suspicion that the friend you're about to smoke a joint with has (you can never say HAD because herpes = FOREVER) herpes, roll that mother fucker their own goddamn joint OR tell them to go outside and chew on the lawn. I never had herpes but I knew a dude that did, and let me tell ya, every time me and the boys would hang out with him, we would just order shots because ordering a drink put us at risk of this mother fucker getting a hold of it, wrapping his warty ass lips around it "by accident", us drinking it without knowing, and 2 weeks later, looking like a dirty tramp did a lap dance on our fucking face. Weed don't kill herpes. Herpes don't kill herpes. Shit, nothing kills herpes just like how RAID doesn't kill fucking cockroaches. Herpes is worse than AIDS. How so? You'll eventually die of AIDS. If you got herpes, you're just fucked until something else kills you. 


Q: If you could teabag any person in the whole world, who would it be and why?

A: Great question. I would love to put my sack on soooo many people, but if I had to choose one lucky person, it would have to be that one bitch that got into a Facebook war with me a week or so ago. Don't remember, here's a refresher:

The Hating Game

Look, I'm not the type of guy that holds onto petty bullshit, but man, I would love to put my sack right on this bitches face after a 26.2 mile run, in 100 degree heat, on a humid ass day. Ignorance is something I can't deal with, and the shit this bitch was saying without making any goddamn sense, makes me not only want to teabag her, but Karate Kid Part I her in the fucking vagina. I know, I'm a huge fucking asshole but you asked and I'm just giving you my honest answer. I'm taking deez nuts to a whole new fucking level.

Got any questions you want to submit to J-Wunder? Email them to jwunder33@gmail.com