Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

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Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

In this edition of Rapid Fire: Everything from Betty White to Speedos to the dumbest bet I've ever taken. You got questions, I have goddamn answers. Enjoy!


1. If you had to sleep with Betty White or Justin Timberlake to save your life, who would you pick?

JW: I ain't gonna lie, JT is my boy. Dude is a good ass actor and the cat is good looking. Don't get it twisted though, I ain't gay and couldn't see my beautiful self touching a man who was also good looking. Maybe if you put Prince in this equation I'd consider his Little Red Corvette ass because...wait, what the fuck am I talking about?! This is a fucked up question. I'm gonna bone Betty White and have her save my life for the following reasons: 1) She's a Golden Girl. Truth be told, my moms had me watch that shit growing up and it was either them or that bitch from Murder She Wrote that I had to think about when jerking off, 2) She's a woman, who has a vagina. I don't care if she's 126...her mud flaps may be used and abused but there is something called a paper bag, KY and an imagination and 3) She's Betty fucking White...tell me what dude wouldn't fuck Betty White because she eats goddamn Snickers?! I'm just saying'. Oh, and she wouldn't save me, but who the fuck cares. I died fucking Betty White. Next.


2. What is the dumbest bet you've ever taken?

JW: The better question is, what's the smartest bet I've ever taken? Answer: None. I'm a stupid mother fucker when it comes to taking a bet. You could bet me that  1+1 = 2 and you know what? I'd find some fucking way to fuck that bet up and lose. Real talk. Betting is exhilarating. So exhilarating that I have no chance of winning. Why? Because I just know how to fuck shit up. Now, if we were talking about drinking or something like, "how many chicks could you bang in one night...this includes ugly and blind people," then I got a fighting chance. Otherwise, I'll lose. Even when I know I'll lose. Pretty fucked up, right?


3. What is #1's phone number?

JW: 415-NONEOFYOURGODDAMNBUSINESS. Look, for the first time in my life, I found a broad who not only made my face numb while sucking my wang like it was the last Tootsie Pop on earth, BUT jerked me off better than I jerk myself off. Once you strike gold, you ain't sharing shit. I'm a greedy mother fucker. True fucking story. You could be the finest bitch on the block and ask me to have a threesome with #1. You know what's gonna happen when you ask me? I'm gonna cut you, piss on your back, steal your purse and heels then slap your ass in the face with a handful of baby powder. That's how I roll.


4. When is it a good time on a date to tell the other person you'd like to stop the small talk and get down to business?

JW: This right here is a trick fucking question. When drunk: Go for it...any time is a good time. When sober: All depends on how well your Jedi-Mind shit is working. If you can get the person to look into your eyes the whole conversation - DO IT. Now that I think about it, I have no fucking idea if there is a bad time because every time I've done that shit, I've been fucking drunk. I can't believe I've never asked a woman if they would bone me while we were both sober. That is fucking awesome!


5. Favorite kind of lingerie a girl can wear?

JW: The naked kind.


6. How is it at all comfortable for guys to sag their pants below their ass?

JW: Let's be honest...that shit was the shit back in the day. I remember when I did it from 1993-1996. Sure it looked like I shit myself but you know what? Pimpin' ain't easy. Nowadays, the art form of the "sag" isn't how it used to be. Mother fuckers have their shit down to their knees and ankles. Makes me want to say, "Hey homie, why the fuck are you wearing pants? Looks like your ass got done doing a quickie in the break room. Pull your fucking pants up from your ankles mother fucker...or just don't wear pants." The question I have is, how and why do mother fuckers with skinny jeans try to sag their pants? That's reason to get your ass kicked.


7. Speedos.....good, bad, or just plain wrong?

JW: I'm convinced Speedos are the alternative version of the "manscape". When you "manscape", your dick looks like it grew about 4 inches and your balls dropped down about 2.5 inches. Big ass dong but not really, right? Hanging and just kickin' it, waiting for lady luck to show up and greet you with a little game of, "Is his cock really that big?" With Speedos, that shit is packed in like sardines in a can. So you get like a mixture of cock and balls in a confined area...mixed that shit in with a hairy ass bush, you got yourselves a dick that's the size of a goddamn fruit salad and shit. I don't like my shit looking like a fruit salad. I like my shit looking like a big ass linguica ready to be eaten. Ya heard?


8. Why did I see a three year old girl wearing knee high boots today?

JW: You know why? Because some parents shouldn't be fucking parents. Today's kids look like young ass trash...can't blame the kids though because they don't know any fucking better. It's those goddamn parents that think that shit is fucking "cute" and "adorable". I'm all for kids looking cute and shit but if they look like a fucking stripper, there's a 92% chance I'm gonna punch that parent in the throat and an 8% chance I'm gonna pee in their mouth. Ok, that was a little overboard...but you get what I'm saying. Kids need to act and dress like fucking kids...not like 2 dollar sluts who idolize Ke$ha and use tether ball poles for strip teases. You laugh but that's the truth. Just watch that show 16 and Pregnant. Fuck birth control, watch that shit and you're ass will be scared fucking straight.


9. Chocolate or caramel?

JW: All depends on what you're putting on your body for me to lick off. See what I did there? I gave you the answer you wanted. Such a naughty little fan. Shame on you for being so dirty. But not shame on you for wanting to have sex with me. That shit is never a bad thing.


10. Wanna grab a drink?

JW: Do you wanna fuck? If the answer is yes, I'll absolutely grab a drink. If the answer is no, then we should grab a drink so we can change that answer to YES. Drunken words are sober thoughts. And what your thoughts are should be nothing short of, "I'm gonna bang this guy...no matter how drunk he gets me." You're welcome.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

1. Most hardcore place you've had sex and I don't mean a bed or up the ass! Location please!

JW: Studio 54 in Vegas. Drunk as shit. Hot broad. Dark corner. Up goes her skirt, in goes my penis. Game.Set.Match. One of my most favorite accomplishments I must fucking say. It didn't hurt that she was DTF...ANYWHERE!!!


2. Favorite position?

JW: The one that's gonna make a girl say words that don't make any fucking sense while they put an anaconda choke on my cock. Position that, bitch. 


3. Preference to size, age, race or religious background?

JW: Is this a serious fucking question? Like, for fucking reals? I like a woman with curves but that’s not to say I wouldn’t fuck a skinny broad…because we all know skinny broads need the dilz, right? As far as race, I embrace all beautiful people who would give me a blowjob while watching SportsCenter. The only religion I fucking care about is “will they fuck me” religion. Next.


4. Group sex, 3some's or more? If yes, preference to additional male or female?

JW: I’ve had two threesome’s in my life. Both times with two chicks. I ain’t gonna lie, that shit was crazy and I’m almost convinced my dick was hard for 3 days…and my punk ass didn’t even take Viagra. See, what you need to know about me is that if a chick can turn me on…like really turn me on, I could blow my load and still keep it hard. Ladies, you’ve been warned. Oh, and if you ever ask me if I would fuck a chick with another dude again, I will slap the shit out of you. I don't play the double dick touching game. Stop that shit.


5. Not a question, a comment; teeth used properly on a dick are like fucking heaven on earth! True story and I have more then one man who will have my 6 on this one! 

JW: Note to self: DO NOT LET THIS BITCH SUCK YOUR DICK. Get the fuck outta here! Dude’s that say it's heaven on earth, have obviously never had a fucking blowjob. And what is this "6" nonsense? Are you saying you only have 6 fucking teeth? For fuck's sake. Jesus fucking fuck. Goddamn bum.


6. Are you a "toy" kinda guy? To use or be have used on you? If yes, type?

JW: I’m a “how would you like me to fucking make you cum” kinda guy. See, there’s a time and a place for everything. Some bitches love it when a man can fuck ‘em while using some type of toy to arouse their clit. Some like anal beads shoved in their ass and pulled out slowly as they're about to cum. Some, some just want to be fucking choked and spit on, then chili dogged. Wait, what? What was the question? Onto #7...


7. Kink/Bondage shit? Anything I need to add to that one? YES! If yes, do'er or done to?

JW: Look, after watching Pulp Fiction, I ain’t about some mother fucker trying to strap me up, gag me and beat me like Mommy Dearest. Fuck all that. I’m a dude that needs a little control. So if a bitch says, “I want you to strap me to this wall or bed and fuck me til I turn blue”, then I probably will. But if she comes back to me after I’m done beating her shit with my dick and says it’s her turn, I’ll probably punch that bitch in the throat then steal her purse. Real talk.


8. Food play? If yes, Jello or Pudding? Flavor? Whipped cream and strawberries are "vanilla" and way over rated! 

JW: Bitch, you serious? What are you gonna ask me next…am I going to start talking like Bill fucking Cosby while eating some delicious chocolate pudding off your pussy?! Jello or Pudding? How bout, my fat ass dick in your mouth, combined with a few dick thrust in your wet ass vagina? How does that sound? You want pudding, I’ll cum in your mouth. Happy? If I want Jello, I’ll fuck you with a yeast infection. Geez woman...what the fuck is your goddamn problem?!


9. Oldest person you've fucked, Youngest person you've fucked? Which had the tighter pussy?

JW: Oldest person was 41 when I was 21. Fucked her for 2 hours. You heard that right…2 hours…straight. That was the only time I had Superman dick without taking a break. Youngest chick was 19 and I was 23. She was either a virgin or my dick was really big that night. I raw dogged the shit out of her too. BOOM! Oh, to answer your question…your mother’s a whore.


10. If you had the option of the BEST BLOW JOB EVER....would you invite me to the party? I won’t let you down unless of course I can’t get you down! 

JW: Please see #5. Use your teeth, I will knock your ass out. It’s all fun and games till you make a dudes dick bleed. And you my friend, with your 6 teeth having ass, ain't coming to my party. If you did, you'd be assigned to receive complimentary facials. Just sayin'.


Bonus: Word from the wise; Difference between like and love....spit and swallow! I swallow!

JW: I’d swallow too if I don’t get to suck too much cock. I can’t believe you use your goddamn teeth. Do me a favor, if you really are down to suck my dong, take a cucumber, suck it off and show me a pic of how that cucumber looks afterwards. If I see one ounce of cucumber skin peeled off, I get to Karate Kid crane kick you in the face. If not, I’ll let you suck my wang. Deal?

I'm out.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

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Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

1) Best Sex Music?

JW: Anything that goes to the beat of me pounding the shit out of that pussy. Marvin Gaye, 112, Led Zeppelin...hell, put some death metal on and if that shit is in rhythm with my smashing skills, I'm straight. Oh, and if you're wondering about what the chick might think of my musical selection while fucking...she's not. My dong is too busy occupying her vagina. You're welcome.


2) If you had to permanently give up Pussy or The Raiders, which one would you chose?

JW: Football or Pussy? The team I've been watching since the 80's or Meat Curtains? Before I answer, can I ask you something? Why the fuck would you ask me a question like that?! For reals. I've loved pussy since my first boner at age 6 months. If you showed me a pic of a vagina then a pic of dead kittens, guess what? My dick would still be hard. Pussy is power. And as much as I love my boys from Oaktown, 11 out of 10 times, I'm going for the fucking pussy! Fucking pussy.


3) Marry, Fuck, Kill - Snooki, Mariah Carey, Khloe Kardashian?

JW:
Kill - Definitely kill Snooki's orange chicken skin, oompa loompa, vagina infested, lookin' ass. Something about her just oozes "herpes with a vagina that reeks of baby shit and 3 day old Chinese food".

Fuck - I'd fuck the bejeezus out of Mariah Carey because who wouldn't, right. Even if you were to give me the pregnant Mariah, I'd fuck that too. Don't hate, appreciate.

Marry - I would marry the 11th wonder of the world, Khloe Kardashian. Why? Because I would cheat on that bitch ninja style, spend that families money, then come out with my own clothing line - THAT MOTHER FUCKERS WOULD ACTUALLY BUY.


4) If you were starving for a week and given a rat to eat, would you eat it?

JW: Would you eat my shit if I served it to you on some goddamn fine China? You're probably saying, "I asked you first and what does shit have to do with a rat?" I have no idea but I could imagine that if you were to eat a rat, you mine as well eat fucking shit. Fuck that, I'd rather eat my own cum. Wait, what?


5) Sex with lights on or off?

JW: At first I was a "lights off" kinda guy, but then I was like, "Man, fuck that. I'm trying to see some goddamn facial expressions while I'm tenderizing the poon." You know, because that shit is sexy as fuck. So of course, I started to bone with the lights on. Then one rainy night in college, I was fucking this chick with the lights on, and while she was having an orgasm, she looked as if she was taking a shit. My dick went straight to dead mode...then she queefed. Actually, I think that bitch farted. True story. So lights off.  


6) Who should pay on the first date?

JW: It all depends. If the date is going well, the guy should pay. If it's going fucking awful, say you're gonna use the bathroom and fucking run. If it's more friendly and you know that you ain't getting laid, split the bill. If you want to be a dick, order the most expensive shit on the menu, say you lost your wallet and have them pay. This question is fucking dumb. Next.


7) Have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime?

JW: Yes, yes I have. Matter of fact, I recently got arrested last fucking Thursday for Disorderly Conduct/Drunk in Public. You can read this fucked up episode right here - Drunk, Lost, Shoeless and a Night in Jail - Part 1


8) What are your 5 pet peeves?

JW: 1) Mother fuckers who chew with their mouth open. Y'all realize you look like a fucking idiot and sound like a retarded camel eating another camel out, right?, 2) Bitches who talk like they get down like porn stars then when it's time to start fucking, they lay there like a goddamn corpse and have that "Oh, that's what a dick looks like?" look. You people can go fuck a goat. Stop pulling that shit on folks like myself., 3) Chicks who use their teeth while giving a blowjob. I mean, fuck. It's a dick, not a fucking Big Mac sweetheart. No teeth, all tongue, lips and mouth muscles is what men like. Take note., 4) Fucking haters. I mean, we all have a little hater in us, but man, there are some fucking haters out there that have nothing better to do but troll like a bunch of mark ass bitches. Ok, I'm done., 5) Douchebags (this includes the female versions as well). Bottom line: STOP THIS SHIT. I'm not gonna go into details...pics are worth a thousand words. You're welcome.

9) Night Sex or Morning Sex?

JW: Who gives a shit? As long as I'm fucking, I'll take it. True story. 


10) What's your position on toe sucking?

JW: A woman with some nice feet is a huge plus. However, just because you got nice feet, doesn't mean I'm gonna suck on your toes and shit. I guess the question that needs to be asked...have I? Yeah, I have. Did I like it? It's not that I didn't like it, but it was just fucking weird doing it then worrying about what the broad was thinking as she was fucking watching me suck on her nice ass toes. Was I doing it right? Was I using my teeth? Pay more attention to the pinky toe? Massage the big toe more? Fuck, it was confusing as shit. It was like sucking 10 little dicks. Wait...did I just say I was sucking 10 little dicks? Fuck that. Toe sucking can suck MY dick. I'm done.

Have 10 questions you wanna ask me? Don't be shy...shoot them over and I'll answer them Rapid Fire style. Submit your questions to me at: jwunder33@gmail.com

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

1) Why do you have an obsession with talking or playing with your taint?

- Look, I gotta be fucking honest...the word "taint" is not only funny but disturbing as fuck. I'm really not sure what it is but the word alone amuses the shit out of me. As for playing with my taint...fuck all that. I mean, why don't I just start fingerbanging my goddamn asshole while I'm at it, right? I ain't trying to fuck around with that dark dungeon that collects sweat, debris of toilet paper and lint from a long ass day. Who the fuck do you think I am? Sick fuck.


2) Do you shave your head or are you going bald?

- I shave it. I ain't gonna lie, I'm a hairy dude...in some places. Mainly, my head, face, stomach, genital area, taint, asshole and armpits. On the days I shave my head, I shave everything else. Except my taint and asshole. Something about those two places scare the living shit out of me.


3) What do you think about having sex with a girl on her period?

- What's there to fucking think about? I'll do that shit all fucking day long if they let me. As long as there's water nearby, I'm cool. Water washes off EVERYTHING. Except STD's. Fuck that.


4) Do girls or guys have it easier? Why?

- Definitely dudes have it easier. Why? Simple. 1) We don't bleed out of our privates and get all cranky and shit for a couple of days a month (I'd shoot myself in the goddamn head). 2) We don't get the privilege to have little fucking humans grow in our body just to suddenly pop that shit out of our privates. 3) We aren't crazy...ok, some dudes are, but chicks take the fucking cake with craziness. 4) We don't need to put on make-up...well, unless you're a tranny. 5) We don't need a reason to why someone wants to bone us. Dudes just fuck without reason.


5) What is the one sex position you haven't done that you'd like to try?

- Sweetheart, I've tried them all. The question YOU should ask yourself is, what position you'd like to try with me? Cunt.


6) Do you snore?

- All the time. But all that means is that I sleep well.


7) What is your favorite wine?

- What kind of fucked up question is that? Anything with an alcohol content of 5%, I'll fucking drink. Next...


8) If you could fuck a dead person who would it be and why?

- I gotta go with Marilyn Monroe. That bitch looked like a freak and I bet loved it in the ass.


9) Do you have sex or masturbate more in a week?

- Wait, masturbating isn't sex? This is fucking horseshit!


10) Have you ever seen a girl use a douche?

- A what? I will slap you if you ever call me that fucking word again, bitch.


11) What would you do if you walked in on your parents having sex?

- I would punch myself in the fucking face then shout to my dad, "Pops, you need to get in that shit deeper. She's asking for it. Hey, when's dinner again?"


12) Do you think about your mother's tits?

- You are a sick mother fucker you know that? I did once, ok. Fuck you for laughing. What? She has big ass nipples, so how could I not think about those things. They look like fucking Gatorade caps. Mom, if you're reading this...don't lie. You know you got big ass aureoles.

Got any questions you want to submit to J-Wunder? 

Email them to jwunder33@gmail.com

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Interesting questions from a loving fan.

Q: Would you rather eat shit or have someone take a shit on you?

A: The fucked up thing about this question is that there's no goddamn option to say, "None of the above". Thanks, bitch. Soooo, being that I only have two options, I would have to say, I would rather have someone take a shit on me. Eating shit is just fucking wrong. I mean, for fuck's sake, you're eating shit goddamnit. Mother fuckers from 3rd World countries would rather starve for another 30 years then eat shit...if that tells you anything. At least if someone is gonna take a shit on me, I can wash it off with soap, Clorox, Comet, sulfuric acid...something...anything. Sure it may be embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as possibly eating a piece of goddamn dookie so big, that it looks like one of those maple donut bars from Krispy Kreme. Fuck all that. Shit all you want on me, sick fuck.


Q: Do you drink more beer or wine? If wine, are you gay or just trying to be fancy?

A: Interesting question. When I'm at a bar, I'm drinking beer. Two reasons: 1) It's cheaper than wine, 2) The bars I go to, the only wine they serve is called a Purple Hooter. If you ever see me drink some shit like that in public, be sure to walk up to me and kick me in the fucking sack and call me a goddamn pussy. However, I do like wine once in a while. And no, I ain't fucking gay nor am I trying to be fancy. Wine does a few things for me: 1) Gets me fucking drunk, 2) Makes me happy and horny as shit, 3) Doesn't give me a hangover. I drink wine because the fucking shit is delicious. I don't try to be all cool and think I know the "legs" of each kind. The only legs I know are the ones that will be spreading eagle in front of me at the end of the night. So yeah, I don't know if I answered whatever the fuck you asked me, but there you go.


Q: Have you ever killed an animal?

A: Hmmm...I actually don't think so. I've never shot an animal and I haven't choked one. Wait... that's not true. Come to think of it, I choke a chicken on a daily basis. While I'm drowning it in the shower and smothering it in Dove Soap...which by the way, makes the cock all smooth and soft...great on the skin for those of you that haven't tried it. So don't be trying to call PETA on me either bitch, because you'll be the first human I kill if you go there.


Q: Do you play with your taint?

A: I wouldn't say I've "played" with my taint. More like, I've brushed it "more than once" in passing when I play with my balls watching ESPN or The Food Network. What I don't get, is why hair grows in that area? Do you know how many hot ass summers I've had to deal with major swamp taint? That shit ain't cool. And can someone tell me why chicks like to lick that area like it's a goddamn Otter Pop? Yeah, I said it. Chicks dig the taint and it's pretty fucking scary. Don't get me wrong, it's all good but, on a hot ass day (especially in the south), it's like they're eating 2 week old take-out from Ying Sangs Chinese fucking Restaurant. How is that fucking right? Like I say, it Taint your balls and it Taint your ass. It's the taint, and that shit ain't fucking right.


Q: On average, how many times do you fart a day?

A: Enough to kill a child locked in a 8' x 8' room with padded walls. What I'm telling you, is that I could be a mass murderer with my ass gas. Especially on days that I eat Mexican food. And if you thought my consistent farting was amazing, you should see the toilet after I take a shit. TMI? Well, GFY (Go Fuck Yourself). Just sayin'...


Q: Is it possible to get herpes from smoking a joint with someone?

A: First rule of thumb: If you ever...ever, ever, EVERRRRR, have any type of suspicion that the friend you're about to smoke a joint with has (you can never say HAD because herpes = FOREVER) herpes, roll that mother fucker their own goddamn joint OR tell them to go outside and chew on the lawn. I never had herpes but I knew a dude that did, and let me tell ya, every time me and the boys would hang out with him, we would just order shots because ordering a drink put us at risk of this mother fucker getting a hold of it, wrapping his warty ass lips around it "by accident", us drinking it without knowing, and 2 weeks later, looking like a dirty tramp did a lap dance on our fucking face. Weed don't kill herpes. Herpes don't kill herpes. Shit, nothing kills herpes just like how RAID doesn't kill fucking cockroaches. Herpes is worse than AIDS. How so? You'll eventually die of AIDS. If you got herpes, you're just fucked until something else kills you. 


Q: If you could teabag any person in the whole world, who would it be and why?

A: Great question. I would love to put my sack on soooo many people, but if I had to choose one lucky person, it would have to be that one bitch that got into a Facebook war with me a week or so ago. Don't remember, here's a refresher:

The Hating Game

Look, I'm not the type of guy that holds onto petty bullshit, but man, I would love to put my sack right on this bitches face after a 26.2 mile run, in 100 degree heat, on a humid ass day. Ignorance is something I can't deal with, and the shit this bitch was saying without making any goddamn sense, makes me not only want to teabag her, but Karate Kid Part I her in the fucking vagina. I know, I'm a huge fucking asshole but you asked and I'm just giving you my honest answer. I'm taking deez nuts to a whole new fucking level.

Got any questions you want to submit to J-Wunder? Email them to jwunder33@gmail.com

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Living in the NOW and RANDOM world with J-Wunder.

Q: What are you thinking about at this very moment?

A: Fucking a mermaid.

Q: Really?

A: No. Mermaids aren't real dip shit.

Q: Ok, what has bugged you today?

A: The fact that every Asian woman I've seen in the city wearing high heels look like strippers.

Q: And that bugs you?

A: When they have heads the size of a goddamn T-Rex, fuck yes it bugs me. How is that shit sexy? Looking like a bunch of goddamn bobble heads terrorizing the city of San Francisco in stiletto's.

Q: Your thoughts on "Hump Day"?

A: It's fucking stupid. Just like "Sunday Funday". What the fuck do both those things mean?

Q: Well, "Sunday Funday" is a day where people can enjoy the last day of the weekend before the work week. And "Hump Day" is the middle of the week. Get it?

A: I get that it's fucking stupid and you're a goddamn pussy. Why would the day before going back to work be fucking fun? That's like eating a chick out a day before she starts her period. Risky business...get that? And as for "Hump Day"...ain't no fucking humping going on where I'm at. Save the cutesy names and just call that shit "Middle of the weekday".Twat.

Q: Bad day I take it?

A: I will slap you son then go have sex with your mother.

Q: Do you feel like you're losing your touch?

A: In bed? No. With your mom? Yes.

Q: I mean with your blog?

A: I'm going to have sex with your mom.

Q: That wasn't the question.

A: Then I'm going to have sex with your mom and sister.

Q: Still not the answer.

A: It is when I'm giving them both the shocker and they are saying, "More you dirty Wunderboy, you."

Q: You're an asshole.

A: Tell me something I don't know already.

Q: How much hate mail do you get weekly?

A: It's not hate mail...it's "I'm jealous of you mail."

Q: How much?

A: Enough to make my dick dance.

Q: This session is over, isn't it?

A: Time to drink. Yes.It.Is.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Anything J-Wunder is willing to answer. Or not.

Q: On average, how much do you think you drink?

A: What the fuck is this? Some goddamn intervention? Fuck you. Next question.

Q: Where's your contributors been lately? No one's heard a peep?

A: What do I look like? Their fucking dad? I don't know...probably fucking scissor locking each other and talking shit about me.

Q: Any plans for Easter next year?

A: Yeah, I'm gonna fuck the Easter Bunny doggystyle while eating a Cadbury Cream Egg.

Q: Favorite word?

A: Fuck.

Q: Favorite phrase?

A: Fuck you.

Q: Is that a phrase?

A: Fuck you cunt. And yes it is.

Q: Favorite time of year and why?

A: Summer. Because my balls and dong seem to get bigger because of the nice weather.

Q: Are you serious?

A: As serious as when I came in your sisters eye back in college.

Q: Are you purposely rude?

A: Are you purposely a fucking vagina? Shut the fuck up.

Q: If you could have one person play you in a movie, who would it be?

A: Me.

Q: But what if it couldn't be you?

A: Then there wouldn't be a movie now, would there? I hope you don't interview me next time with all these gay (no offense because I love gay people...not in a gay way though) fucking questions.

Q: Do you have an Ipod?

A: Do you have an Ipod?

Q: I just asked you that.

A: Well then fuck you mother fucker. I'll be asking the questions next time. And yes, I do own one you fucking cock.

Q: You seem a little stressed so I'll make this the last question. Best moment of 2011 so far?

A: Wait one goddamn minute...first off you sack of shit, if I was stressed, I wouldn't be spending 10 minutes of my life answering your bullshit gay questions today. Secondly, do you work for a high school yearbook committee or something? What the fuck is with the "Best of" this and "Favorite" that questions? I will slap the shit out of you, son. Asking me shit that only 12 year old girls ask their BFF's at sleepovers and shit is just fucking stupid. Lick my balls asshole. I'm done.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: How Mr. Wunder is holding up in Houston this week. 

Q: So how was your birthday?

A: Fuck you.

Q: So that means, not so good?

A: Does "fuck you" mean "it was a blast"?

Q: Well you cuss a lot.

A: And you're a fucking piece of shit. Next question.

Q: How's Houston so far?

A: Interesting.

Q: Really? How?

A: Well, considering I was attacked by a goddamn hospital escapee in my hotel room and I beat her arm to death with my hotel door, I've been entertained. I mean, the crazy bitch had the nerve to chase my car down while running into oncoming traffic. Didn't get the chance to look back to see if her crazy ass got hit by a truck or something. I swear I'm cursed. How could two crazy women rob and attack me in less than a month?!

Q: Sounds like you have the best luck?

A: I would rather have AIDS.

Q: What's the most interesting thing that you've found in Texas so far?

A: No zoning laws. It's fucking amazing. You can literally go to church, walk out, then walk into a strip club 10 feet away. How fucking awesome is that? Oh, and it's BYOB at some of these strip clubs too. It's a naked tailgating party with a choir singing in the background. Praise the man in the morning then see some titties by brunch...the best of both worlds.

Q: What's on tap for tonight?

A: Martini's, some steak and maybe some titties.

Q: You sure like strip clubs for as much as you talk about tits, huh?

A: Not really. I mean, it was cool back in the day then realized I was paying way too much to get blue balls. I just say titties because titties is a funny word. Titties for everyone. See, that shit is fucking funny.

Q: So are you planning to at least celebrate your birthday in typical J-Wunder fashion when you get back home?

A: My birthday is long gone my friend. I'm over it. But if you're buying, I'm drinking. Later cock sucker...time to go eat and drink something. BTW - your mom says hi, asshole. Man, she's fine!

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder: Birthday Edition

In today's installment, it's all about birthday's. J-Wunder style, of course. Happy Birthday J-Wun! Dick.


Q: Worst birthday gift ever?

A: Lent (as in, you can't do shit because Jesus will send you to hell...thanks dad for letting me not do shit for 18 years)

Q: Best birthday gift ever?

A: Lakers tix, 1998, Great Western Forum against the T'Wolves

Q: Weirdest birthday gift?

A: A chick I knew for 6 hours and had a one night stand with told me she loved me and I'm her world. She did this while I was only wearing one sock. Talk about awkward.

Q: Best birthday party?

A: My Dirty 30. We had an ice sculpture that you could drink booze out of. An Ice Sculpture that shot out booze. Yes, I got drunk.

Q: Worst birthday party?

A: Besides my birthday falling on Easter when I was a kid...not sure. Maybe because I blacked out.

Q: Worst birthday drink?

A: That was a dumb fucking question.

Q: Best birthday drink?

A: Again, dumb fucking question.

Q: If there was one thing you wanted on your birthday that you never got, what was it?

A: Viagra

Q: If there was one thing you didn't want that you got on your birthday, what was it?

A: My girlfriend on her period.

Q: Big birthday parties or something chill?

A: As long as there's booze there, who really gives a shit, right?

Q: Do you drink a lot on your birthday?

A: What defines "a lot"?

Q: Worst birthday hangover?

A: My 23rd birthday. Not sure where I celebrated it. And who I was with. Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Q: Pet peeve about people that celebrate their birthday?

A: If you feel the need to celebrate that shit for a month, go fuck yourself. You ain't that special.

Q: What are you doing for your birthday today?

A: Flying to Houston.

Q: For fun?

A: Yeah, for fucking fun. Because that's where I wanna go for my fucking birthday asshole...Houston fucking Texas. Who writes these fucking questions. Jesus.

Q: How does it feel being 32?

A: It feels like feeling a tit for the first time. Awesome.

Q: Do you still feel like you're 21 again?

A: No. Only because when I take a shit now, my back cracks. That's called age. It is what it is.

Q: Are you hoping to celebrate when you get back from Houston?

A: If I don't, then there would be a lot of disappointed people. Especially from my homeboy, Jesus.

Q: Any last birthday words?

A: I just want to thank my mom and dad for boning each other and having me. God has given this world a guy that people either love, hate, or want to drink with. I'm blessed to have such sexual parents and good people that surround me.

Q: Happy Birthday J-Wunder!

A: You're Welcome.

Q: That doesn't make sense.

A: Fuck you. You're welcome asshole.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Perfect "____" in 3 words for this installment of Rapid Fire.

Q: Perfect chick?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect night?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect date?

A: Lots of sex. 

Q: Perfect bar?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect situation?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect meal?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect bedtime routine?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect vacation?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect party?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect drink?

A: Sex-Ontha-Beach.

Q: Perfect job?

A: Lots of sex.

Q: Perfect birthday present?

A: Lots of sex.

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

Today's topic: Dating, Sex, Relationship Advice

Q: How long should you date someone before period sex is okay?

A: If you're by water, right away. Water cleans everything, even blood.

Q: If you're dating (and fucking) several people at once, do you need to tell them about the others?

A: Unless you got herpes or yeast in your vagina, NO.

Q: Is it okay to break-up with someone via text message?

A: That shit is wrong. Unless they're crazy.

Q: What if date a girl with a leopard printed tramp stamp?

A: That's a seasons pass between her thighs.

Q: If you've been dating someone for 5 months and they haven't made you their girlfriend yet, should you move on?

A: If you aren't official, they are fucking someone in addition to you. STD alert.

Q: I find, I tend to lose interest in a guy after I sleep with him. What can I do to prevent this from happening in the future?

A: Apparently no guy has given you the "O face". Find one.

Q: How do I know if I have an STD?

A: How the fuck would I know? Sick fuck. Don't ever ask me that question again.

Q: My boss is married and recently told me he is in love with me. I think I love him too. What do I do?

A: Get a raise then fuck him. Love is a beautiful thing. Slut.

Q: Men suck so I'm considering going gay, but not sure I can do the whole sex part. Should I just go out and try it or bad idea?

A: If you masturbate, you're kinda gay already. Cock is always here for you if muff diving isn't your calling.