Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Advice Column: Holy Hangover!

Dear JW,

Lately, when I've partied my ass off, the very next day, I've been getting serious hangovers. You seem like a guy that loves to party...how do I deal with the hangover aftermath? Am I mixing my drinks too much? Is there something that I should be aware of? Hangovers seem to last two days instead of 2 hours now. Your insight is much appreciated. Keep up the great work with the blog. I'm spreading the word "like AIDS" for ya! You're crazy dude. Haha!

Party Like a Rockstar

Dear Party Like a Rockstar,

Booze is like money. Too much of it, and it can change you. It can make you do things you never thought you could do (for instance, get laid). Say shit you never thought you'd say (for example, walk up to 10 very big black men and say, "White Power"). Regret things that...you never want to fucking remember (like fucking your stepmom). EVER. But more importantly, in the long run, too much of it will make you feel like complete fucking shit. Hey now...don't get me wrong folks...booze is fucking delicious and has given me the ability to experience the following, over the past 13 years:

- One-night stands (notice that is plural)
- Jedi-mind powers (not really)
- Whiskey dick (this was not pretty)
- Jail (don't ask)
- Waking up in my own puke (4 times)
- Waking up naked with one sock on (77% of the time)
- Pissing in the sink (once in the bathroom, twice in the kitchen)
- Blacking out (98% of the time)
- Getting a right hook to the face (by a girl) (she hit like a bitch)
- Getting a left hook to the face (by a girl) (she hit like a man)
- Bar fight (didn't even get to throw a fucking punch)
- Eating 32 tacos in one sitting (all of Taco Bell was cheering)
- Waking up next to a very unattractive woman (how do you tell a bitch to leave your house, nicely?)

There's a lot more shit to add to this list, but no need to bore you death. Bottom line, partying your ass off and getting piss fucking drunk is awesome...just not when you get older.

The cure to a hangover isn't some of this shit you hear friends talk about, or other shit you read in Maxim. I've done them all and you know what...at some point in my adult fucking life, that shit didn't work. From eating greasy food to drinking more booze...nothing could help me shake off the hangover from fucking hell. Especially at age 32. The only thing those so-called remedies do now, is give my ass diarrhea and cry on the fucking toilet for three goddamn days wondering why I had to go "all out" like I did back in my 20's. People can tell me all the shit they want to fucking tell me. When your ass gets past a certain point in adulthood, you're gonna feel it twice as hard. Where did that drinking mojo go?

If you never puked for a whole night, well you better hold on tight mother fucker, because you're about to feel the wrath of Raaaaallllph, goddamnit. If you've never shit yourself...have an extra set of drawers nearby, because while you're puking and crying with your head in the toilet, I will bet my fucking soul to the devil himself, that you will shit yourself to the point that you mine as well sleep in the bathtub with the water running because you're gonna be a fucking wreck for the next 24 hours. BTW - shitting yourself in the bathtub is really fucking gross but sometimes needed (grab a plunger).

See, it's not like we're young anymore big fella...where you can jump right the fuck up out of bed, and get your day going like some fucking pencil dick who's high on life. Oh, no. It's to the point where now, when you wake up, you wonder where the fuck you're at, and ask yourself, "Why am I still wearing a condom with melted wax on my chest? And why do my fingers smell like anal sac and Jager?" Has that happened to me? Matter of fact it has...on numerous fucking occasions that I care not to discuss at this particular moment in time. That shit ain't funny. Dick.

The thing we all need to understand when we start to get older is that, even though we can stay up late, doesn't mean that gives us the green fucking light to drink as much as we use to. Unless your ass is doing countless 8-balls of blow and taking "fuck breaks" in between, by all means, party your ass off. Otherwise, chill the fuck out and calm down. Now, that's easy to say but hard as fuck to do. Why? Because we're guilty of pretending we're 20 years old again. Take this past weekend for example. I was at a wedding. Open bar. You know what I did? I drank. EVERYTHING. Beer, wine, scotch, tequila, whiskey, vodka, more tequila, some shit that I don't even think had a name....blah, blah, blah. I woke up the next day with a boner and just some dress socks on. Head fucking pounding. I was so hungover and dehydrated, I thought I swallowed my goddamn tongue and was going to die in my hotel room. It was so bad that I when said to myself (not even outloud), "Did I drink tequila last night?" I had to run to the fucking bathroom to puke in the trashcan and shit my brains out. All while trying to hold back tears because I thought I was about to have a seizure because shit and puke was flying everywhere.

Who does that? Mother fuckers that are getting old, that's who. You wanna know the truth? The truth is that I was a guy that has been known to party with the best of them. I'm always the first to have a drink in my hand and the last one to pass the fuck out (ok, so that might be a 30% lie). Too bad the last time that bitch was seen, was 7 years ago. But as much as it hurts to think about it, I'll always keep on going for it...and I'll always keep failing...from here on out. And feeling like shit. I actually came to this conclusion when I was at In 'n Out on Sunday, you know, trying to get rid of my "hangover". I ordered a double-double, animal style, with a soda and some fries. I was so fucking hungover that I: 1) Almost puked, 2) Didn't finish my meal, 3) Shit my pants a little bit. That would have never happened to me back in the day. Matter of fact, you give me some fries and a blowjob, and I'd be off and running once again. But doing that now...not a chance in fucking hell.

So my advice to you is this: Realize you're getting fucking old, man. But like every jackass, you probably don't give a flying fuck, will plan to get shitfaced (again), want to die the next day (for the 1,000th time), recover for the week and do it all over again. That shit's a vicious cycle, ain't it? What we used to be is a long shot from who we are now. Before - bad mother fuckers. Now - complete fucking pussies trying to impress the younger crowd. You laugh, but that's the truth. You know how many times I've tried to act like I was 21 again around some fucking 23 year olds? Enough to wake up and attempt to call 9-1-1 because I felt like I was going to die. I'll never learn my lesson, and I hope you don't either. If we did, we'd be considered pussies that couldn't hang, right?

Never take my advice...it's fucking stupid,



Anonymous said...

Big glass of ice water and tyleol before you pass out and a gatorade or powerade or something to that effect in the morning. Hangover fixed.

Trust me, I'm a doctor. ;)

Anonymous said...

OMFG!!!!! lol!!!!!! So true!

Anonymous said...

This shit is so funny, I actually "snort" laughed several times. This is something i've been dealing with too! Can't hang like I did when I was a youngsta!

Anonymous said...

Don't drink cheap shit either....it always makes a hangover worse!

Anonymous said...

I've partied, but never been a true party girl. Thanks for the lol!! :)

katie said...

Dark purple Vitamin Water and Excedrin Migraine. Doesnt kill the hangover but at least you can function....

just me said...

I've done this. Except I use regular aspirin...it does work!!

Anonymous said...

Tylenol and alcohol don't mix, doctor. That shit will kill you! Aspirin is the safer choice.

Anonymous said...

Since 34 always use bc powder, and and a big glass of ice water