Monday, June 6, 2011

SLO Up From the Flo Up

Like any trip to SLO (San Luis Obispo), it became one for the ages this past weekend. Not because it's where I went to college for 5 years but...ok, it's because I went to college there so fuck you...happy? What can I say, it's the first place I got to experience being an adult and having my first beer. Look at me now mom and dad, I'm a complete piece of shit. College did me well! But I digress...

This weekend I was down there for a golf tourney. And even though I can't play golf for shit, I can still be a winner. How? It's simple...BRING 3 RINGERS. And that I did. Not only were they ringers, but mother fuckers that like to drink. To me, you can have all the goddamn talent in the world, if you don't booze, I won't even consider you. Why the fuck should I, right? It's like you having a sign posted on your fucking chest that says, "Giving away free AIDS." Fuck all that shit. I need talent that will not only help me look good on the golf course, but party with me so I won't be the only one blacking out all night.

On our way into town, me and the 3 MuskaRingers hit up a golf course in Paso Robles...Hunter Ranch. A nice course for you fucking golf snobs out there, that like to wear collard shirts and drink $8 bottled water. Hey, I wasn't paying for shit so it's all good. Anyway, long story short, we golfed and fucked that course up. Well, not me, my other 3 amigos did. But the best part wasn't even the golfing. It was the 8 Bloody Mary's, 48 beers, 2 cans of chew and the goddamn swarm of bees that whizzed on by the 12th green. Not sure if any of you have seen that shit up close and personal but that freaked me the fuck out. There I was, drunk, screaming like a little bitch as 1,000 bees were migrating to some place to call home. It was like a scene from the movie, "Candyman" except no one got a big ass hook stuck in their ass. I have no clue if that even happened in the movie, it just sounded like something appropriate to say. Honestly, the only thing I remember from that movie, were a shit ton of bees and some scary ass black dude fucking people up. Anyway...

So we finish our round, hop in the car and head south to lovely S-L-O. We get in about 6:30pm, grab a beer at the hotel happy hour then head downtown to go grab some sushi. Keep in mind at this point, we've all put down enough booze to kill a fucking mountain lion and a few cubs. I won't bore you with details on what we ate so I'll get to the good part...5 tall bottles of Sapporo and 10 bottles of Sake. GONE! I mean, the sake tasted like shit, but when you're in a college town and you're the 4 oldest mother fuckers in this restaurant...beggers can't be choosers, right? Next stop...Mother's Tavern. Ooops, my's got a new gay ass fucking name: Mo-Tav.

We find a spot at this place and before any of us head to the bar, we all agree that we should have one more drink and call it a night. But who the fuck were we kidding? We've been drinking since 1:30pm and it's now 10:30pm. So, as I always do, I agree, but tell the guys, "Well let me at least get the "one" round." They nod, I go to the bar and come back with 4 pints of double Red Bull/Vodka's (just a side note, in 5 hours, I decided to take three 5 Hour Energy's because apparently, "they weren't working"). What was suppose to be "one last drink", turned into:

- 5 rounds of Jameson shots
- 3 more double Red Bull/Vodka's
- Shots of some shit that looked like piss but tasted like shit
- Cheering on two Latin bitches that were basically fucking each other on the dance floor
- Freaking some chick in a wheelchair
- Asking the bartender if I could make a sandwich in the kitchen...about 50 times.

Once it was all said and done, I found myself alone...separated from my Three Amigos eating three pieces of pepperoni pizza from Woodstock's, walking back to the hotel. It was 1:45am and I'm pretty sure I drunk dialed everyone in my phone including my mom. Matter of fact, I know I drunk dialed my mom because I think I left a message telling her I was drunk and was about to get ass pounded by a very large feminine man in the drunk tank. Sorry mom. You know, when you roam the streets by yourself wasted, you do things you never thought you would do when sober. Like, go to 7-11 and spend $30. What the fuck would you spend $30's on, J? Good question. Apparently I bought all this for 30 singles:

- Four 5 Hour Energy's
- 2 Spicy Hot Burrito's
- A big bag of Chili Cheese Frito's and Flaming Hot Cheeto's
- A tuna sandwich
- Gum (lost it on the way to the hotel)
- Gummy worms (ate the whole pack on the way to the hotel)
- Cup 'O Noodles
- 2 bottles of water

Finally, I get back to the hotel. Drunk as shit. Still hungry as fuck. Confused like a virgin, fucking a Cheese 'n Broccoli Hot Pocket...I needed to go the fuck to sleep because in 3 hours, I was heading back out to play more golf. Then my buddy decided to wake up...

Have you ever seen somebody sleepwalk? The better question is, have you ever seen somebody sleepwalk naked knowing they were intoxicated? Well I have, and that shit was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my goddamn life, people. Look, I may have done some shit in my lifetime that was really weird and fucked up. But whatever I did, would never top this. EVER. Ok, I might be lying just a little. Anyway...It's almost 3am and I'm sitting at a table eating one of my 20 bags of fucking chips when this mother fucker decides to wake up. Butt ass fucking naked. Here I am, thinking he was getting up to grab a drink of water or head to the bathroom...oh exactly 2 minutes time, this dude opened up the closet, pull out two hangers, grab .85 cents in change, threw that shit at me from 10 feet away, turned around, opened up a cabinet and took a piss in it...all while swaying side to side like his dick was watering some plants. I sat there...a handful of fucking chips in my mouth...coat hangers chillin' by my feet...3 quarters and a dime scattered across the floor...and my buddy taking a goddamn leak in the living room. Not giving two fucking shits in the world.

He went back to bed without saying one fucking word to me that night. I went to bed too. As for the piss on the carpet and inside the one cleaned it up because quite frankly, there was no reason to. And if you want to know how we did in the golf tourney the very next day...we won that shit - DRUNK. The rest, is fucking history.


Anonymous said...

You're still funny. LOL

MG said...

Fucking epic and I'm giggling my ass off!

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute, PEOPLE COME TO SLO???? Time to move out of AG >.>