Batshit Sorority Pledge Email 'Cannot Stress How Important Spanx Are'

via - Jezebel

It's Rush Week at many colleges and universities, a special, meaningful time for bonding, sisterhood, meeting some new best friends and IF YOU DO NOT APPLY MAKEUP I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. I don't care if you're late for class. I will stop you.

That's the message from a truly delightful and entirely unhinged email we received from an anonymous tipster, which outlines the appearance guidelines for the women of the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at University of Southern California.

The directives break down each and every way the AXO ladies need to look their best during "polish week," the week before they start meeting potential new members (dubbed PNMs in the email). That includes a tireless commitment to full makeup, waxing, Spanx, non-visible roots (and no hair colors "not found in nature," obvs). The email was sent in 2013 and the letter-writer, who we won't identify out of kindness, has graduated, but, our tipster adds, "They're definitely still doing it." 

Here are some of the most cogent pearls of beauty wisdom; the full email is at the bottom. All bolds are mine for emphasis, all capital letters were in the original. 

On Spanx

I cannot stress how important spanx are to make you look your best. Even if you are very thin, Spanx will give you a better "line" when you wear clothes (no awkward bumps!) Plus you don't have to worry about sucking in all the time or being bloated!

On Head Hair

Remember: your hair needs to be one normal color. No crazy ombre, no color you wouldn't see in nature. (Also, if you're thinking about going from blonde to black or vice versa, do so after recruitment. You won't know for sure what it will look like, and if you hate it/your hairstylist does a bad job, that won't fly.) You cannot have roots during recruitment, so if you dye your hair like me, please take care of that before arriving back to school. 

And here, a picture of Drew Barrymore with brown roots is inserted, along with the word "NOPE." 

On Eyebrow Hair

Eyebrows shape your face. Bad eyebrows will make you look less beautiful than you actually are! Your eyebrows need to look neat (as in not messy) for recruitment. I know "full" eyebrows are in style right now, but "full" does not mean "BUSHY" or "WILD."... Alternatively, if you have SPARSE eyebrows then you need to fill them in. 

On Health (meaning thinness)

Being sick or feeling gross during recruitment sucks. Start eating healthy today and you'll feel so much better by the time polish week and recruitment starts. Stay away from fried and super sugary foods. Your face will seriously brighten up. Also, exercise. Start now and you'll have way more energy and endurance for the long hours of recruitment. 

On Hair Styling (NO WAVES)

For recruitment, your hair has to be curly or straight. No waves. In this case, you either need to have a curling iron (for our curly gals) or a flat iron (or a blow dryer if you have pin straight flat hair and you're super good with hair so you can blow your hair out.) Don't count on other girls letting you borrow theirs or doing your hair for you because then she's going to have no time for herself because she's stuck doing everyone else's hair (God bless [redacted]). If you're not good with these tools, now is the time to practice. Note: if you have straight hair and you want to wear it curly, don't. Your hair needs to be able to hold for 15 hr days and hairspray crunchy or limp hair is not acceptable. Also, get some heat protectant and shine spray. Damaged, frizzy hair is not going to attract PNMs. If you have bangs, they need to be styled correctly. If they're long and you're afraid they're going to be in your face the whole time, get some bobbi pins that match your hair color (except on house tours day/door chant, obvi). We don't want to look "emo" or like we're actually trying to flirt with PNMs by touching our hair all the time. 

On Makeup

You need to have foundation, concealer, something pinky/neutral for the lips (stain, gloss, etc), BLOT POWDER/OIL BLOTTERS, eyeliner (BLACK or BROWN only), mascara, neutral eyeshadows, bronzer, and (optional but recommended) blush. If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself. I don't care if you're late for class. I don't care if you're a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you. If you don't know how to apply all this makeup, check out my Pinterest board. I picked out all the videos and products with you guys in mind!

On Nails 

Neutral pinks, french manicures (toes can be a little brighter but no blue or green, etc.) GET GELS. It's a great investment. Your nails will not chip and that's one less thing to worry about. 

On Glasses (Don't wear them, obvi)

We would like to strongly encourage that you wear contacts during recruitment. Obviously if that is not an option for you or if you are uncomfortable doing so it is by no means mandatory. However, we want the PNMs to be able to see your lovely eyes the best they can and strongly encourage wearing contacts over glasses. Poking your eyes is worth it just this once, promise!

On Social Media

Please make your profile pics, cover photos, etc. something cute and Alpha Chi. Don't use a picture where we're making ugly faces or are in a visibly not sober state! 

That does indeed cover every square inch, doesn't it? Anyone else feel like you need a nap? Or suddenly like dyeing your hair, nails and pubes a brilliant emerald green?

See the email here:

Sorority Appearance Guidelines

J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types

Booze. Whether it be beer, wine, hard liquor or some gay ass Mike's Hard Lemonade, we all know any amount of alcohol does something to you. "What does it do, J-Wun?" Glad you asked, fuckers.

Booze gets people, well...DRUNK. This is a fucking given. I don't care what you drink...if you drink enough of it, you will be W-A-S-T-E-D! True story. Now, getting "drunk" is kind of a broad statement...so to be more specific, I will list the kind of drunk you have either 1) Been, 2) Seen, or 3) Heard of. And since there are so many different types, I decided to break it down in a series for all of you to enjoy. So with out further adieu, I present to you, "J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types."

1) Happy Drunk: Nothing better than seeing a happy drunk. You know why? Because these mother fuckers don't let shit get to them. For example, your buddy Brad is completely wasted but happy drunk beyond belief...you turn to him and say, "Hey Brad, bad news buddy...your sis just told me your mom died." You know what Brad says? Brad says with a drunk fucking smile, "That's a bummer. She was fucking old anyway. Can you pass me a few beers? It's beer pong time." Yeah, that's how happy some mother fuckers will get when intoxicated. Mom dies...who gives a shit. I'm happy.

2) Angry Drunk: This is the opposite of happy drunk. I don't know what it is but, anytime someone drinks either Tequila or Whiskey, they get fucking piiiiiiiiissssed! Ain't no one smiling after 4 drinks in...I'll tell you that fucking much. The angry drunk is quite comical. Why? Well for starters, they get angry for no fucking reason. At.All. It's like the devil spiked their drink and all of the sudden, chairs are flying across the goddamn bar because good pal, Ronny, got looked at funny by a fucking tranny. The angry drunk finds reasons to fight. 91% of the time, it's for the dumbest shit ever imagined. I get that you're mad Terry Tough Guy, but for fuck's sake, can you at least tell me why you want to fight the bathroom stall right now? What did that inanimate object ever do to you? Fucking jerk.

3) Horny Drunk: What has always been the fastest way to get laid? Get a mother fucker drunk. All you need is 2 hours, a bottle or 12-pack of something and a corner. A corner, J-Wunder? Yes, a corner...you know...for when you're about to smash that ass when "you think" no ones looking. Isn't it funny the shit you think is a good idea, when you're wasted? Horny drunk is good and bad. Good because there is a great chance you're getting laid and about orgasm yourself into a goddamn seizure. Bad because the person you're about to bone, probably has some sort of STD, plays the field more than the Oakland Raiders and is probably uglier than shit. Hence, beer goggles. Bless those things sometimes. The beauty of being horny drunk though is that you don't have a care in the fucking world on who you're hooking up with. Case in point...this guy.

It's all fun and games until you wake up the next day with a thong on your head that looks like it was worn by a goddamn elephant and you smell like a sausage factory dipped in sweat. Ask yourself, was it worth it? If only you could have had 2 beers and not 15, right? Riiiiight jerkoff.

4) Emotional Drunk: There is nothing more annoying than watching someone cry for no fucking reason...for hours on end. You know, if you took the angry drunk and made him a little bitch, what you would get is...the Emotional Drunk. This my friends, is the worst possible drunk you could ever be. Seriously. The emotional drunk pertains more to women than men. Sorry ladies but you know this shit is true. A night out on the town, drinks are flowing...you're dancing like Kevin fucking Bacon in Footloose when all of the sudden, you realize you're having too much fucking fun or something and you start to cry. Like someone stole a box of donuts from a fat kid. Bitch please. Crying really? How did you go from being the dancing queen and having a blast, to crying like you just heard someone killed your fucking cat? I know how...you drank too much goddamn booze. It must be something that God installed in women because once you get a chick past a certain point of alcohol consumption, bitches start crying over shit. Which translates to not a goddamn thing. All of the sudden you're sad. Nobody likes you. You can't find love. You hate people. You want to die. You're too fat. You're too skinny. You haven't had sex in, I don't know, EVER. You couldn't just have fun could you? You have to fuck it up by being emotionally fucked up over things that don't make sense and nobody cares about. Thanks. Bitch.

5) Hungry Drunk: When you get high, you get the munchies. Guess what? When you get fucking shit can wasted, you get the munchies too. I've been there, you've been there...we've all been there. I'm talking about the Hungry Drunk, people. It's 2am and you just got home from a party...open up the cabinets because it's about to get Emeril Lagasse up in this bitch. Top Ramen - BAM! Grilled fucking Cheese - BAM! Hot mother fucking Pockets - BAM BAM BAM! Nachos - Stop this shit...BAM! I'm convinced booze has weed in it. If it doesn't, then why the hell do we eat like we've never seen a meal in our goddamn lives? Am I alone here? Hell no I'm not. You and I both know that when we get drunk, we fucking eat. And who doesn't like to fucking eat? Exactly.

6) Honest Drunk: They say, honesty is the best policy. Well, whoever said being honest while intoxicated goes a long way, needs to be fucking shot in the goddamn head. The Honest Drunk...probably one of the only people you will either love or fucking hate. For the rest of your life. Honest drunks tell it like it is and at the end of the day, they don't care how you feel about it, or what you have to say. They just want to get that shit out of their system. "Hey Brenda, I just want to let you know that you're a fucking cunt and I hate you. Bitch." "John, we've been friends for what, 10 years? Since I know you're a good guy, I just wanted to let you know that it was me that fucked your sister at Jill's party, not Tom. Man, you kicked that dudes ass and he didn't even do anything. Poor guy." "Hey Lisa, you're fucking ugly. Has anybody mentioned getting a face lift? Or maybe, just killing yourself?" You laugh folks, but this is no fucking bullshit. The honest drunk will tell  you shit that will either leave you speechless or have you doing something you wish you never had done. Sometimes honesty...can go fuck itself.

7) Dancing Drunk: What goes good with booze? No people, I'm not talking about food. I'm talking about music. So what happens when you get a ton of booze in your system and a good beat? Simple:  THE DANCING DRUNK. The Dancing drunk pretty much applies to everyone. Even you fools that have two fucking left feet. The next time you're at a club or bar, grab a seat and check out the scene on the dance floor. What you will see will amaze you. Drunk people in general, don't care. Pretty much about anything. Why? Because they're fucking drunk...duh. And because they don't care, they will do almost anything. Especially while dancing (or trying to). These include but are not limited to: "the sex grind", "the sprinkler"...wait, the sprinkler? You know...when someone is trying to dance so fucking crazy that the goddamn drink in their hand is flying all over the place hitting every single person around them in the face, back, neck, etc. Don't act like you don't know. We've all done "the sprinkler" once or twice in our lives. Lets not forget to mention the "fall guy"...when a guy or girl are so fucking drunk that any move they try to incorporate into their side to side movement, they basically eat shit on the dance floor, only to get back up and eat shit again. My favorite though has to be the "frozen in time". Ever seen someone so fucking wasted that when they hit the dance floor, they didn't move? At all. Eyes glazed, motionless...pretty much fucking stuck in one spot. Don't worry, nothing's wrong with them, they are just too fucked up to move. Now, may I have this dance, bitches?

8) Loud Drunk: Why is it, that in every drunk group, there is always ONE LOUD MOTHER FUCKER?! And why is that one loud jackass, typically the quiet one when sober? Funny how that works right? It doesn't matter what the loud drunk drinks, by the 3rd drink in, that person, without a doubt, turns up the fucking decibel level, wherever they are. Not only that, these mother fuckers say some pretty offensive shit too. OUT LOUD. For the whole goddamn world to hear. But to them, they truly believe they are speaking in 6 inch voices. Hey dildo, not sure if you noticed, but the reason why 25 people in this restaurant are staring at us, is because you just called the waitress "a fat fucking cunt" as she walked away. Good job dickhead. Pay for your own shit now. Oh, and if anyone asks, you don't know any of us. Fucking slap dick.

9) Superman Drunk: It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's...it's...Superman Drunk?! Booze + Stupid Fuck + Horrible Idea = Superman Drunk. It's these very people who believe that nothing...I mean nothing can hurt them. Basically, they're invincible. Or so they think. Beer bottle over the head? By all means, start breaking shit off their dome if they ask and lets see how fast they go into a goddamn coma. Kick them in the sack with some Wolverine work boots? Where do I sign up? Who wouldn't love to punt the shit out of someones sack if possible. A punch to the face? You serious? Good thing I brought my brass knuckles to the bar. Nighty night fuck face. See, Superman drunks think of shit that only stupid fucks would ever think of. It's like they've become a dumb ass Evil Knievel waiting to see what happens. Folks, we all know what happens. 9 out of 10 times, Superman drunks will FAIL. Miserably. Any time someone who is shit faced out of their mind, and says the words, "Hey guys, I have a crazy idea..." you need to do either two things: 1) Talk your buddy out of whatever dumb idea he has planned or 2) Be the first to volunteer. The choice is yours so choose wisely. And when I say "wisely", I mean #2.

10) The Blackout Drunk: Sometimes referred to as temporary amnesia, time traveling, or teleportation. These fuckers get so goddamn wasted that they are no longer cognizant or aware of the idiotic shit they are doing. And once it happens for the first time, it doesn’t fucking stop. Next thing you know you’re beer-bonging a fifth of Jack Daniels, banging chicks in a port-o-potty, and waking up with pockets full of cocaine and sequins…. or so your friends say. The greatest thing about being a blackout drunk, when you wake up the next morning and don’t remember a fucking thing… it’s like it never happened. 

Are there more? Of course there is. But for now, you have 10 types to either avoid, become or master. I will almost bet that a majority of you reading this are AT LEAST 3-4 of these types. Don't get mad, because I'm not. It's ok...we knew you were one of those types. That's why we're never drinking with you ever again. 

Kevin's College Tips

What's in a name?

When You Know Someone Has Had Too Much To Drink

It's All About Eye Contact

Name My Fish

best of craigslist > baton rouge > Name my fish Originally Posted: Sun, 23 Sep 20:24 CDT

Name my fish

---

Date: 2012-09-23, 8:24PM CDT

---

I have a fish. Pretty good lookin fish if you ask me. Best looking one in Wal-Mart. Got drunk and thought hey! Fish sounds like a good idea. Bad idea. So now I'm stuck with a fish.
I have no desire to give it a name. But I feel like this fish is now my friend. Weird situation to be in. (not sexual).
I need a name for this fish. She lives a pretty interesting life (pictured).

Whoever offers me the most money will receive the privilege of naming my fish.
I'll post updates of the offers here at the end of everyday.

HERE'S WHAT YOU GET IN RETURN!!!
-weekly updates in my fish's life every Monday.
-she lives a very interesting life.
-the fish's dead corpse when it dies.
-or a video of it's viking funeral.
-If you don't know what a viking funeral is, look at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjcsFPiQq94
-It'll go down something like that. (except live music... maybe a keg. Of course you'll be invited)

THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY ENDS AT THE END OF THE MONTH!!! September 30, 2012 at 5:00 p.m.

If you have any inquires, please hesitate to ask. Its a fish. Not very much to it.

Serious bidders only. This Wal- Mart fish means a lot to me. And by a lot I mean very little.
Poor college student with a stupid fish that thoroughly enjoys swimming... but she acts a little fishy sometimes.

Shoot me an email with your offer and live your life vicariously through my fish's life.

PICTURES!!!
-Picture number 1: THE FISH
-Picture number 2: FISH PLAYING BEER PONG
-Picture number 3: FISH WATCHING FISH PORN (she's a dirty girl)

• Location: Baton Rouge
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Jerk On!!!!

House Rules

The 6 Girls You'll Date in College

SLO Up From the Flo Up

Like any trip to SLO (San Luis Obispo), it became one for the ages this past weekend. Not because it's where I went to college for 5 years but...ok, it's because I went to college there so fuck you...happy? What can I say, it's the first place I got to experience being an adult and having my first beer. Look at me now mom and dad, I'm a complete piece of shit. College did me well! But I digress...

This weekend I was down there for a golf tourney. And even though I can't play golf for shit, I can still be a winner. How? It's simple...BRING 3 RINGERS. And that I did. Not only were they ringers, but mother fuckers that like to drink. To me, you can have all the goddamn talent in the world, if you don't booze, I won't even consider you. Why the fuck should I, right? It's like you having a sign posted on your fucking chest that says, "Giving away free AIDS." Fuck all that shit. I need talent that will not only help me look good on the golf course, but party with me so I won't be the only one blacking out all night.

On our way into town, me and the 3 MuskaRingers hit up a golf course in Paso Robles...Hunter Ranch. A nice course for you fucking golf snobs out there, that like to wear collard shirts and drink $8 bottled water. Hey, I wasn't paying for shit so it's all good. Anyway, long story short, we golfed and fucked that course up. Well, not me, my other 3 amigos did. But the best part wasn't even the golfing. It was the 8 Bloody Mary's, 48 beers, 2 cans of chew and the goddamn swarm of bees that whizzed on by the 12th green. Not sure if any of you have seen that shit up close and personal but that freaked me the fuck out. There I was, drunk, screaming like a little bitch as 1,000 bees were migrating to some place to call home. It was like a scene from the movie, "Candyman" except no one got a big ass hook stuck in their ass. I have no clue if that even happened in the movie, it just sounded like something appropriate to say. Honestly, the only thing I remember from that movie, were a shit ton of bees and some scary ass black dude fucking people up. Anyway...

So we finish our round, hop in the car and head south to lovely S-L-O. We get in about 6:30pm, grab a beer at the hotel happy hour then head downtown to go grab some sushi. Keep in mind at this point, we've all put down enough booze to kill a fucking mountain lion and a few cubs. I won't bore you with details on what we ate so I'll get to the good part...5 tall bottles of Sapporo and 10 bottles of Sake. GONE! I mean, the sake tasted like shit, but when you're in a college town and you're the 4 oldest mother fuckers in this restaurant...beggers can't be choosers, right? Next stop...Mother's Tavern. Ooops, my bad...it's got a new gay ass fucking name: Mo-Tav.

We find a spot at this place and before any of us head to the bar, we all agree that we should have one more drink and call it a night. But who the fuck were we kidding? We've been drinking since 1:30pm and it's now 10:30pm. So, as I always do, I agree, but tell the guys, "Well let me at least get the "one" round." They nod, I go to the bar and come back with 4 pints of double Red Bull/Vodka's (just a side note, in 5 hours, I decided to take three 5 Hour Energy's because apparently, "they weren't working"). What was suppose to be "one last drink", turned into:

- 5 rounds of Jameson shots
- 3 more double Red Bull/Vodka's
- Shots of some shit that looked like piss but tasted like shit
- Cheering on two Latin bitches that were basically fucking each other on the dance floor
- Freaking some chick in a wheelchair
- Asking the bartender if I could make a sandwich in the kitchen...about 50 times.

Once it was all said and done, I found myself alone...separated from my Three Amigos eating three pieces of pepperoni pizza from Woodstock's, walking back to the hotel. It was 1:45am and I'm pretty sure I drunk dialed everyone in my phone including my mom. Matter of fact, I know I drunk dialed my mom because I think I left a message telling her I was drunk and was about to get ass pounded by a very large feminine man in the drunk tank. Sorry mom. You know, when you roam the streets by yourself wasted, you do things you never thought you would do when sober. Like, go to 7-11 and spend $30. What the fuck would you spend $30's on, J? Good question. Apparently I bought all this for 30 singles:

- Four 5 Hour Energy's
- 2 Spicy Hot Burrito's
- A big bag of Chili Cheese Frito's and Flaming Hot Cheeto's
- A tuna sandwich
- Gum (lost it on the way to the hotel)
- Gummy worms (ate the whole pack on the way to the hotel)
- Cup 'O Noodles
- 2 bottles of water

Finally, I get back to the hotel. Drunk as shit. Still hungry as fuck. Confused like a virgin, fucking a Cheese 'n Broccoli Hot Pocket...I needed to go the fuck to sleep because in 3 hours, I was heading back out to play more golf. Then my buddy decided to wake up...

Have you ever seen somebody sleepwalk? The better question is, have you ever seen somebody sleepwalk naked knowing they were intoxicated? Well I have, and that shit was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my goddamn life, people. Look, I may have done some shit in my lifetime that was really weird and fucked up. But whatever I did, would never top this. EVER. Ok, I might be lying just a little. Anyway...It's almost 3am and I'm sitting at a table eating one of my 20 bags of fucking chips when this mother fucker decides to wake up. Butt ass fucking naked. Here I am, thinking he was getting up to grab a drink of water or head to the bathroom...oh no...in exactly 2 minutes time, this dude opened up the closet, pull out two hangers, grab .85 cents in change, threw that shit at me from 10 feet away, turned around, opened up a cabinet and took a piss in it...all while swaying side to side like his dick was watering some plants. I sat there...a handful of fucking chips in my mouth...coat hangers chillin' by my feet...3 quarters and a dime scattered across the floor...and my buddy taking a goddamn leak in the living room. Not giving two fucking shits in the world.

He went back to bed without saying one fucking word to me that night. I went to bed too. As for the piss on the carpet and inside the cabinet...no one cleaned it up because quite frankly, there was no reason to. And if you want to know how we did in the golf tourney the very next day...we won that shit - DRUNK. The rest, is fucking history.

Been There Before

She Must Be New at This

Greek Life

A Bloody Good Time

scarred for life: so it was my first semester this year in college, and i was gettin rowdy drinkin 4 four lokos. I go out of my room after 2 and im feelin nice. i drink the last 2 and hit up a party and find this girl who looked hot but in reality she was fat and ugly, like a 2 out of 10, i bring her back too my room and we started havin sex and thought i was some kind of pornstar so i go two knuckles deep in her ass with my fingers. then i think shes real wet and after i finish, inside her, i realize this bitch had her period ALL over me, then she starts blowin me, with blood on my dick, and i get freaked out and run outta the room naked with blood all over me, i just happen to run into two campus police officers and they draw their guns on me cuz they literally thought i killed somebody. i spent a few hours in the campus jail until my friends came and explained what happened to the officers. its safe to say i will never drink four lokos again.

Professor Power Tripper