Monday, July 11, 2011

Advice Column: Cause for Concern

Dear J-Wunder,


So my boyfriend doesn't like blow jobs and he always wants to have sex with me from behind.  Does this mean he's gay? HELP!

Thanks,
Am I doing something wrong





Dear Am I doing something wrong,

Aaaah yes, the question of gay or straight. I don't fuck dudes, so lets put the gay question to the side for now. Just take notes on what I'm about to say so it's clear, and helps guide you in finding the answer to your problem.

Realize something - sucking cock is an art form. You're either good at it, or you just fucking suck (no pun intended). A woman who is good at sucking pole, will always be remembered (even if hated) for giving every man the O-face while making them squeal like little bitches. Men don't mind this because it's our way of saying, "Damn girl, whatever you're doing with your mouth, feels fucking fantastic! Do that shit again, please." Dudes get all fucking giddy when they find this type of girl. Fun fact: the kind of girl that guys can bring home to mom aren't the ones who go to church. Oh no. It's the ones who can suck a goddamn golf ball through a garden hose. Mom's would be so proud. If her sons happy, then she's happy!

But let's flip the script a little bit and talk about the chicks that can't suck cock for shit. I'm talking about you ladies that love to use your teeth and think that shit is funny. Or the ones that take their tongue and just play with a dudes dick hole for 5 minutes. FYI - keep doing that and you'll get piss in your mouth, got it?

Just because you have a nice mouth, full lips and love cock, does not give you the goddamn right to think you can just blow a dude. Seriously. However, in all fairness, chicks don't know if they're bad unless the dude says, "Damn girl, are you eating ice or sucking dick? That shit fucking hurts, so please stop or transform your mouth into something less aggressive. Do you have any gauze? I think my dick is bleeding." In your case, it sounds like you haven't been told anything negative. But ask yourself this...is your man too nice to say something about how bad you really might be? If he is, then that might be the reason as to why he doesn't like blow jobs and reason for you to start taking dick sucking lessons (or retire from sucking dick completely). If it's not, maybe he really just doesn't like blow jobs. But any dude that says he doesn't like blow jobs, is like saying, fat kids don't like cake. FALSE STATEMENT. Yeah, you might be fucked friend.

So now, lets move on to your next concern...your man loving to pound you doggy style. ALL.THE.TIME. What's there to be concerned about? Did you know that when a guy slips in his willy from behind, chicks feel more of the meat popsicle by 5-10% (J-Wunder stat of the day). That's like a few centimeters to inches people. And what chick doesn't like more dong inside of them, right? Exactly. Your man probably loves mounting you from behind for not only that reason, but for a few others. For instance:

1) He likes to grab your ass and see it shake when he's poking you.

2) He loves jizzing on your back because it reminds him of being in a porno.

3) He's finding the urge to donkey punch you.

4) You're ugly as sin but have an amazing body, so it's a win-win boning you from behind.

5) He's an "ass type of guy." No need to fuck you from the front then, right?

6) You moan when it's missionary, you scream bloody murder when his balls are smacking your vagina. Doggy style FTW!

It's anybody's guess but those are just some reasons to name a few. Now if you think he's gay...I have no fucking clue. Like I said, I don't fuck dudes so how would I know what to look for? I mean, I guess what you can do is try to smoke his pole next time and if it smells like dookie, call him on it. Say, "Why does your cock smell like asshole? Are you fucking gay?" If he knocks your ass out, then you have your answer. If he calls you a crazy bitch, then you probably are. I don't know...I'm just trying to figure out why he doesn't like blow jobs and if you're the reason behind it. To find out if you are the reason, next time you're alone, take a cucumber and suck it off. If it looks any different then the way you started (ie, the skin has been peeled off or looks like it has been banged against the counter 18 times), then you know who's to blame.

I know...you never thought of that, right? You're welcome.


I hope you're just bad at giving head,

J-Wun

20 comments:

SOMMER FAZIO said...

Fucking BRILLIANT.

Susan said...

Great read...loved it!

Anonymous said...

You really know your shit J-Wun.

alicia1151 said...

Fucking dying over the "banged against the counter 18 times" shit! Bwaaahahahahahahaha
hy-lar-e-us!

JayTheGirl said...

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Stephanie said...

Your so freaking awesome...and you used the donkey punch! LMAO

Rowdy Reign said...

I like doggy and when he lays me on my side and he gets ALL THE WAY in there.

Anonymous said...

That cu"cum"ber's cleaner and smoother when it when in my mouth then when I got done w/ it! I WIN!
I love it when a man says to me "suck me dry and call me dusty"! I'm so on that shit!

Rachelle (: said...

oooo god!! hahaa

l b kandzerski said...

So thats why i always love it from behind,more bounce to the ounce, good to know ;)

Anonymous said...

My advice, maybe he doesn't like bjs and only does doggy style because he's thinking of someone else. Just sayin

Anonymous said...

If sucking dick is an art form...I'm a fucking.artist!

Anonymous said...

I have a love hate thing goin in when it comes to your posts J-Wunder, but this shit is right on!! Good head is the key to a lasting relationship and it should go both ways!!! I'm just sayin'. Never ever play with the pee hole...and that goes both ways as well!!! Hahaha...no one likes piss in their mouth!!!

No need to be anonymous,
Bre

Anonymous said...

goin' on*

Bre

One In A Jillion. said...

J Wunder always makes me juicy. What was the advice, again? Shoo!

Anonymous said...

Mmmmmmm can't wait to suck my husband cock tonight lol :O

Anonymous said...

Fucking genious

Anonymous said...

All my life guys have loved my blow jobs...with 2 exceptions. This one guy was just too fucking ugly to fuck but somehow I could blow him. I know..don't ask me. Same thing for another dude. They were both looking for a relationship and I just couldn't do it. I hung out with them for something to do but couldn't bring myself to fuck them 'cause then that would be...hell, I don't know. One guy told me it was like sending him off with a brown paper bag lunch instead of a whole meal. Ungrateful bastard hee hee. I told my niece one time... a blow job is just a little more than kissing. ha ha.

Anonymous said...

Whore-ible advice. :(

Juanita Cash Hawkins said...

~ Juanita ^^^