J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Like every reality show season premiere, there was nothing too exciting about the Jersey Shore. Sure these overly tanned, fist pumpin', juice headed lovin' hoe's and skank banging douche bags made their presence felt, but guys, c'mon...don't cream in your pants just yet. If there was anything that you should have been watching for this episode, should have been this:

The return of Ron-Ron and Sammi Spice:
I don't need to say shit about these two other than - they will hook-up, get back together, argue, break-up, make-up, get back together, argue, fight, make-up, hate each other, get back together, attempt to kill one in another in their sleep, call each other a fucking asshole, bitch, cunt, mother fucker, asshole, shit fuck, ass clown, whore, jerk, then proceed to make-up, fight, fuck, fight, hate each other, love each other, get engaged, fight, get back together, leave Italy and go back to Jersey only to get back on a plane and fly back again to Italy to...

Jesus fucking Christ...see what I'm talking about? It's only the first episode, and I bet 77% of America thought when they both said, "Yeah, I'm single now and I just wanna have fun and be with my boys/girls"...they were full of fucking shit. Don't these two know that misery loves company? You wanna have fun? The only fun you'll be having this season is with each other and a little thing I like to call DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Real talk.


Vinny and Pauly D:
To be honest, I got nothing but love for these guys. You know why? Because they don't want drama, they don't like drama and they don't fucking care for drama. You know what they care about? Fucking, drinking and G-T-L'ing...repeat steps 1-3. While 75% of men are like this, 20% are like Ronnie while the other 5% are like Mike "The Situation" Vagina McGinestein. True story.

Men who suffer from a severe case of BITCHASSNESS need to take a page out of Vinny and Pauly D's book. Kick back, relax and chill the fuck out...God hates men who act like bitches, so do yourselves a favor and be like these two fucking guys because they actually save the drama for the ladies while they actually go and enjoy life. Now, could I be wrong about them this season? Possibly. But until that happens, I'll ride the V-PD bandwagon til that shit breaks down like an 5 foot Asian chick in a 10 man gang bang.


JWOW:
Is it me or does this bitches titties get bigger every season? I'm fucking serious people. Every season for the last 4 fucking seasons, JWOW's tits look like they are about to fucking explode. Why lady? Why so proud of the fake titties? Oh I forgot, that's your way of telling dudes, you aren't smart, you kinda talk like a dude, and the only thing that will suffice are your big ass boobies. Glad we figured that out.

I smell drama for some strange reason with good 'ol JWOW. I'm not sure about what and why, all I know is that whoever fucks with her, might get their ass fucking beat. Just ask Sammi how that felt. Unlike her roommates relationships, I think Titty Spice will hang onto hers with big ass Roger. I mean, this bitch ain't gonna find a gorilla head like her man...maybe a skinny dude with a fat ass dick but no one that's big as fuck and packing heat in his pants. Write that down.


Slutty ass Deena: 
How do you spell desperate slutbag? D-E-E-N-A. Hands down. There's no secret to this bitch...she's a straight up whore and proudly admits it. And you know what...that's cool. But can you at least look a little better? I mean, get the fuck outta here woman. You look like a baby Ewok with big ass titties with a vagina the size of a honeydew (I like to call this the "melon pussy" or the "4 finger gripper"). I'm not a sex expert but it's women like this that all men need to fear. Why? Simple. Any woman that desperately throws themselves at men are more than likely to: 1) Become your #1 stalker, 2) Give you some shit on your dick, 3) Finger your asshole, 4) Eat out your asshole, 5) Have a vagina that smells like 10 day old Panda Express.

Towards the end of this episode, I noticed Pauly D was sucking face with her. I will not comment on this situation because I am currently trying to convince myself that he was drugged or lost a very big bet to Vinny. I really hope it's one of the two. I really fucking do.


A "Situation" that calls for a "Hobbit":
Two things: 1) Mike is still shady, 2) No matter how much weight Snooki lost, bitch looks like a Fijian Hobbit. Having these two with a little prior chemistry (a.k.a. fuck fest session) for Season 4 should be very interesting. Does Snooks cheat on her boyfriend Leo-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is? Does Mike stay persistent and homewreck Snooki's relationship only to fuck over Snooki and stir up some bullshit in the household? Will Mike finally give Snooki AIDS? Will Snooki finally give Mike gay sex? Wait, what? Don't ask.

These two will be interesting throughout the upcoming weeks because quite frankly, neither one of them can be trusted with relationships, friendships and people in general. Ok, maybe Snooki has established something good with her friends but Mike? That dude has something coming to him...SOON. And if some of you have no idea what I'm talking about...either watch the season previews again, or just believe me when I say Crazy Ass Ronnie is about to go all "Fuck you Sammi" on Mike. Be sure to be drinking for this episode because it might be one of those UFC Main Event type fights. Trust me. "The Situation" is about to get his ass "Situated"...face first to the fucking floor. At least that's what I'm hearing. We'll see I guess.

So there you have it. My thoughts on Episode 1 of what's supposed to be the best season of The Jersey Shore yet. Will it? The jury's still out so I hope MTV doesn't fuck this up and disappoint America like they did showing 3 weeks worth of episodes of Ronnie and Sammi fucking arguing. Hey, that shit was funny the first time. Then it was just a goddamn nightmare to watch the 8 other fucking times. Where's Dr. Drew when you need his ass right? Enjoy the season, enjoy my reviews and don't forget to GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!