J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

What in the God forsaken mother fucking, goddamn horse shit, cock sucking ass clown, fuckety ball choking, cunt face sucker, ass FUCK?!

Is anyone else confused right now? Like seriously? Wait...am I being fucking Punk'd right now? Guys...what just happened? Oh snap, that's right...in this episode of domestic fucking violence:

When Worlds Collide:
It finally fucking happened. Fuck face Ronnie duked it out with Mr. "Snatch-uation". 3 years of build-up, multiple accusations, and a whole lotta bullshit. Folks, 40 punches were fucking thrown in this fight. 40. Guess what fucking happened? Not one...not one fucking punch landed from either guy. It was like watching two retarded blind kids with cerebral palsy going at it (that was harsh...but funny as fuck). However, the best part of the fight wasn't the fight itself, it was what landed prior to the fight. I like to call it, "The shot that woke up Italy": Mike's big ass T-Rex head into a goddamn cement wall. Result - KO. To him fucking self. You read that right people...this mother fucker knocked himself out...head butting a cement wall.

Who does that? Who hypes themselves up so much that right before a punch even gets thrown, does a Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka into a cement wall and knocks themselves out? Who? Fuck guys, I have met some stupid mother fuckers in my life, but that shit I just witnessed along with millions of viewers across America, was not only dumb, but quite frankly, the funniest shit I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Get the fuck outta here with that. You knocked yourself out, only to get back up, fight like a little ass bitch, then get carried out on a stretcher. One word: Wow. A cement wall fucked you up, son. Actually, you fucked yourself up.That shit is fucking comedy. And you are a complete fucking idiot. Good job jerkoff.

Ain't this some mother fucking shit:
Just when the dust settled between Ron-Ron and Mike, other shit went down. If you're wondering what, here's a Cliff's Notes version:

1) Sammi and Ronnie arguing. Again. About what? What does it matter...these two fucks need to be shot already. Fucking cunts.

2) Ronnie wanted to leave Italy. Why? Because he's a goddamn fucking pussy. Oh, and he hits like a bitch. All sad and shit about Sammi. Here's me...flipping you off and shaking my goddamn head. Pussy.

3) JWOW comes to save Ronnie. Wait, what? Yeah, the bitch played "Captain Save a Bro" by calming him down and rubbing his back. Shit looked intense. I was just waiting for Ronnie to rape her. I mean, ass fuck her. Wait...I mean, yeah...nothing. 

4) "The Situation" felt "alienated". Hey Mike...go fuck yourself. I would alienate my friends too if they tried to head butt a cement fucking wall. Idiot.

5) Snooki's boyfriend was pissing her off because he doesn't like to talk about anything "sexual". Uh dude...you fucking serious right now? Where's your dick? Oh, that's right...you left it at your OBGYN...next to the KY when they were checking your fucking vagina. You are a sad sack of shit my friend. How do you spell Jionni? G-A-Y.

6) Pauly D about to thrown down with the homeboys from the "Streets of Florence". Hey, I don't know what the fuck "Che Cosa" means, but if you were to say that shit to me and do that throat cutting hand signal you did to Pauly...I would have kicked you in the fucking face, pulled down my pants and shit in your mouth, son. Che Cosa...Fucka You-a. Asshole. Ain't no mother fucker from Florence, Italy tough. What were you gonna do? Fight Pauly D with a goddamn baguette and homemade salami? Do yourself a favor Luigi and go fuck one of your homeboys in their mouth. Fuck you very much. 

7) Sammi turns the tables. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie...it was only a matter of time before you went soft and got ass fucked...FINALLY...by Sammi. How does her ass taste, bro? I was about to write a paragraph on how much I respect Sammi for doing that but if I did, everyone reading this would know I was lying. I hope these two get AIDS and die.


There it is folks, in black and white. Shit got fucking real this episode but at the end of the day, all was well and everything went back to normal. Who fucking knew, right? I still can't get over the fact that Mike knocked himself out. I laugh every time I see that shit. What a stupid fuck. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the Episode 5 review and you guys go have angry sex right now. Just don't try to do any kind of fucking funny business where you knock yourselves out fucking with the headboard and shit. If you do, take pictures.

No Season 3 for this guy, huh?

Russell Armstrong, the estranged husband of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong has committed suicide. He was 47.

Russell was found dead Monday night, hanging in his bedroom at his home on Mulholland Drive in L.A.

“He hung himself with no suicide note found,” Ed Winter of the L.A Coroner’s Office told Radar Online.

As of now, there are not further details on his suicide. An autopsy is scheduled for Wednesday.

Taylor filed for divorce from Russell last month, claiming he had physically abused her, according to Radar.

Russell opened up to OK! just last month about his split from Taylor.

“We still love each other, but after going through counseling it has gotten to the point that the stress is just too much for both of us,” Russell told OK!.

Russell had already moved out of their house, but the door seemed to be open for reconciliation between the two.

He blamed the pressures of being on TV for the split.

“I want Taylor to be the biggest actress on TV, and I want to feel happy not being on TV!” Russell told OK!.

In the season 2 trailer for RHOBH , Taylor talks about the roller coaster season fans should anticipate.

“For this season on the show, you’re definitely going to see a lot of ups and downs,” Taylor, who is still struggling with her and Russell’s relationship, explains in the trailer.

The show airs Sept. 5 on Bravo.

via - OK Magazine

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Like every reality show season premiere, there was nothing too exciting about the Jersey Shore. Sure these overly tanned, fist pumpin', juice headed lovin' hoe's and skank banging douche bags made their presence felt, but guys, c'mon...don't cream in your pants just yet. If there was anything that you should have been watching for this episode, should have been this:

The return of Ron-Ron and Sammi Spice:
I don't need to say shit about these two other than - they will hook-up, get back together, argue, break-up, make-up, get back together, argue, fight, make-up, hate each other, get back together, attempt to kill one in another in their sleep, call each other a fucking asshole, bitch, cunt, mother fucker, asshole, shit fuck, ass clown, whore, jerk, then proceed to make-up, fight, fuck, fight, hate each other, love each other, get engaged, fight, get back together, leave Italy and go back to Jersey only to get back on a plane and fly back again to Italy to...

Jesus fucking Christ...see what I'm talking about? It's only the first episode, and I bet 77% of America thought when they both said, "Yeah, I'm single now and I just wanna have fun and be with my boys/girls"...they were full of fucking shit. Don't these two know that misery loves company? You wanna have fun? The only fun you'll be having this season is with each other and a little thing I like to call DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Real talk.


Vinny and Pauly D:
To be honest, I got nothing but love for these guys. You know why? Because they don't want drama, they don't like drama and they don't fucking care for drama. You know what they care about? Fucking, drinking and G-T-L'ing...repeat steps 1-3. While 75% of men are like this, 20% are like Ronnie while the other 5% are like Mike "The Situation" Vagina McGinestein. True story.

Men who suffer from a severe case of BITCHASSNESS need to take a page out of Vinny and Pauly D's book. Kick back, relax and chill the fuck out...God hates men who act like bitches, so do yourselves a favor and be like these two fucking guys because they actually save the drama for the ladies while they actually go and enjoy life. Now, could I be wrong about them this season? Possibly. But until that happens, I'll ride the V-PD bandwagon til that shit breaks down like an 5 foot Asian chick in a 10 man gang bang.


JWOW:
Is it me or does this bitches titties get bigger every season? I'm fucking serious people. Every season for the last 4 fucking seasons, JWOW's tits look like they are about to fucking explode. Why lady? Why so proud of the fake titties? Oh I forgot, that's your way of telling dudes, you aren't smart, you kinda talk like a dude, and the only thing that will suffice are your big ass boobies. Glad we figured that out.

I smell drama for some strange reason with good 'ol JWOW. I'm not sure about what and why, all I know is that whoever fucks with her, might get their ass fucking beat. Just ask Sammi how that felt. Unlike her roommates relationships, I think Titty Spice will hang onto hers with big ass Roger. I mean, this bitch ain't gonna find a gorilla head like her man...maybe a skinny dude with a fat ass dick but no one that's big as fuck and packing heat in his pants. Write that down.


Slutty ass Deena: 
How do you spell desperate slutbag? D-E-E-N-A. Hands down. There's no secret to this bitch...she's a straight up whore and proudly admits it. And you know what...that's cool. But can you at least look a little better? I mean, get the fuck outta here woman. You look like a baby Ewok with big ass titties with a vagina the size of a honeydew (I like to call this the "melon pussy" or the "4 finger gripper"). I'm not a sex expert but it's women like this that all men need to fear. Why? Simple. Any woman that desperately throws themselves at men are more than likely to: 1) Become your #1 stalker, 2) Give you some shit on your dick, 3) Finger your asshole, 4) Eat out your asshole, 5) Have a vagina that smells like 10 day old Panda Express.

Towards the end of this episode, I noticed Pauly D was sucking face with her. I will not comment on this situation because I am currently trying to convince myself that he was drugged or lost a very big bet to Vinny. I really hope it's one of the two. I really fucking do.


A "Situation" that calls for a "Hobbit":
Two things: 1) Mike is still shady, 2) No matter how much weight Snooki lost, bitch looks like a Fijian Hobbit. Having these two with a little prior chemistry (a.k.a. fuck fest session) for Season 4 should be very interesting. Does Snooks cheat on her boyfriend Leo-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is? Does Mike stay persistent and homewreck Snooki's relationship only to fuck over Snooki and stir up some bullshit in the household? Will Mike finally give Snooki AIDS? Will Snooki finally give Mike gay sex? Wait, what? Don't ask.

These two will be interesting throughout the upcoming weeks because quite frankly, neither one of them can be trusted with relationships, friendships and people in general. Ok, maybe Snooki has established something good with her friends but Mike? That dude has something coming to him...SOON. And if some of you have no idea what I'm talking about...either watch the season previews again, or just believe me when I say Crazy Ass Ronnie is about to go all "Fuck you Sammi" on Mike. Be sure to be drinking for this episode because it might be one of those UFC Main Event type fights. Trust me. "The Situation" is about to get his ass "Situated"...face first to the fucking floor. At least that's what I'm hearing. We'll see I guess.

So there you have it. My thoughts on Episode 1 of what's supposed to be the best season of The Jersey Shore yet. Will it? The jury's still out so I hope MTV doesn't fuck this up and disappoint America like they did showing 3 weeks worth of episodes of Ronnie and Sammi fucking arguing. Hey, that shit was funny the first time. Then it was just a goddamn nightmare to watch the 8 other fucking times. Where's Dr. Drew when you need his ass right? Enjoy the season, enjoy my reviews and don't forget to GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!

Get your fists pumpin' ready: It's BACK!!!

It's baaaaack folks. Those crazy, fake tanned, bi-polar, eating disorder, mentally unstable, backstabbing, grenade jumping, overpaid kids from Doucheville, will be debuting Season 4 of the Jersey Shore in what other place than...no not Jersey, but Italy...TONIGHT!!! Should be interesting right?

For you blog fans that have been around since last season, you all know that I'm a big fan of the show. And since I'm such a big fan, it is my duty to write a review about each episode recapping what the fuck happened and my thoughts on these lovely kids from the East Coast. Funny? Fuck yeah it's funny. Why else would I write about it, right?

With that being said, if you're not a fan of the show, I guarantee you will be. If not for the show, then for my reviews. You'd be fucking amazed on how fucked up these group of individuals are and what myself and America really thinks of them. And just to give you newbies and followers a taste of what I'm talking about, here are the reviews from last year. All of which were interesting and entertaining to say the least.

All in episode order:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

Episode 10

Episode 11

The FINALE

What's in store for this year? Will Ronnie finally kill that bitch Sammi and throw her in the ocean? Or will Sammi finally cut off Ronnie's dick and feed it to JWOW's dogs? Is Mike "The Situation" planning to be the shady mother fucker he has always been, or actually be a real guy? Will Snooki finally find love? Of course not, that bitch looks like a burnt ass Ewok. Fucking cunt. Is JWOW's tits going to explode? Will Deena finally get laid even after offering her pussy at no costs to the douchiest of men back in Seaside last season? How many girls will Vinny and Pauly D bone before the 3rd episode begins? I got the over/under at 5.

All these questions (and many more) will have answers. Will they be the answers we are looking for? Eh, who cares. I just want to see drama, fights, drunken madness and fucking...oh, and I really want to see someone catch the CLAP or herpes. With all that fucking going on, it's gotta happen, right? Especially in a foreign country where they don't believe in condoms. Straight raw doggin' to the face!!!

Regardless of what we are hoping to happen, one thing you can expect is a season of pure entertainment. That's for fucking sure! So check out the reviews from last season and get ready for some fists pumpin', mother fucking fucking, gym-tan-laundrying (that's not a word but sounds cool) Reality Television (if this last line made no sense, please don't judge and just know you're a fucking asshole for even thinking about it). 

Holla!

Before The Jersey Shore, here's what could have been...

Bridge and Tunnel/MTV from Justin DuBose on Vimeo.

Shit, I think this could have given the kids from the Seaside House a run for their money...

Must-Have Casts for Reality Show Success

Reality Television...the smut of what society loves to watch...DAILY. But why? Why do we LOVE this shit so much? It seems like almost every other channel you turn to, there's some bullshit reality show on. From The Real World to The Real Housewives (pick a city, any city) to goddamn Rock of fucking Love. Put the word "Real" in the title, and you know it's an over-acted crock of shit. But we as a society, can't help but watch what happens in other peoples' "real" lives. Am I right? Of course I am.

Being a reality show fan, I realized something (besides that I may have too much time on my hands). I realized that with a majority of these shows, lies a formula. A formula that always guarantees to bring viewers in. This is not based on the premise of the show, it's more based on the casts. Because honestly, no one gives a shit about a reality show if the casts sucks ass, right? So with that being said, check out the "Must-Have Casts for Reality Show Success".

The Bible Beater: 94% of reality shows have ONE religious person that has no fucking clue what life is about. They never had sex, drank booze, saw other people naked...hell, they don't know what a fucking Rated R movie is. The only thing they know is...G-O-D. Amen. The beauty of these type of cast members is that they just go with the flow. Shitty for them, by the end of the season, they have disappointed every fucking person that has ever loved them. Didn't drink before? They are a goddamn alcoholic now. Did you see how many times they were shit faced in front of the cameras? Wow. Not gonna have sex until they wed? Fuck all that. First time they bone is two weeks into the show. With no condom. Straight raw doggin'. One word: AMAZEBALLS. Couldn't watch a Rated R movie in their life? Who needs Rated R when you have XXX now? Helloooo masturbation. Gotta love those church folks. See what happens when you put a camera in front of their face and have them actually meet people outside a house of worship? All bad shit. And we fucking love it!

The Token Black Person: I'm not racist. I'm just real. Leave it to these goddamn producers to always make sure every Reality Show has that one "black person". Why? Simple. Because they are always in the middle of the drama. They're loud. Plain and simple...they just don't give a flying fuck. Nothing is better when our token friends tell mother fuckers off and show them what "hood" is all about. Don't get me wrong, not every black person on these shows are "hood", but if you get them angry enough, it doesn't matter if the mother fucker is gay, you'll see "hood". You all laugh, but I'm 95% right. Personally, I'm a fan of these folks because if they aren't trying to break some shit up, tell someone off...they are chill and trying to get fucking laid. Can you blame them? Keep keepin' it real, my peoples. Ain't no one gonna fuck with you.

The Slut: Yup...pretty much, there's always one chick that's a fucking whore bag. Loves to suck and loves to fuck. All shapes, colors AND sizes. I'm almost positive she's had every STD in the books and is on her very way to getting AIDS by the season finale. But whatever...that's probably just the editing guy doing a great job making her "look like" she just banged all of Las Vegas. No biggie. Oh, and why is it that these sluts always come from a "small town" and have "relationship issues". Hey cunt, you're a fucking whore...why do you think you have relationship issues? Stop fucking the goddamn city of Philadelphia and maybe things might look up for you. For fuck's sake. Fuck.

The Angry Partier: Lets be honest, the person who parties the most, gets the most fucked up (booze, blow, whatever) and loves to fight. These people...BOOST RATINGS! How could it not right? I mean, as we sit there and watch this person, we realize that this person is a fucking degenerate. The main purpose for them even being on the show is to party all hours of the day, get so shitfaced that they never make sense, and start fights with not only their roommates and other casts members, but inanimate objects as well. How many times have you watched a show and the angry drunk always punches the wall or starts throwing shit? Exactly...ALWAYS. Fucking clowns. Lets not forget they always go to the drunk tank and deny they don't have "a problem". Bitch please. Have another drink.

The Dark Secret Person: Why are these people ALWAYS on every Reality Show? There's always some fucking asshole on here who has a hidden "secret". They were abused, raped, molested, bitch slapped a few times as a kid OR did porn, prostituted themselves, was a "professional dancer", has 3 illegitimate children in 3 different states and is running from the goddamn po-lice. No one wants to see or hear that shit, people. Wanna know why? Because it's fucked up and makes you look like a goddamn fucking headcase looking for attention. Don't tell me any different because we all know that during your "interview" you said some horseshit to the producers about how your 8th grade teacher fucked you in the custodian's closet without blinking an eye. Oh, and they are the first to know. Get the fuck outta here. Seriously? I'm all for a sob story, but for Reality TV? Hey, I hope the token black guy kicks your ass for being a stupid shit. I have some pretty fucked up shit that happened in my life, but you don't see me talking about it. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, it's these bastards who use these storylines to get laid. Hmmmmm...you are some smart mother fuckers. Jerks.

The Gay: What would any show be without The GAY? They drink, they are always fucking dancing, all about the fucking drama...wait, one more thing...and they looooove to hookup and bone. The gay can be your best friend, or your worst fucking enemy. I'm serious. I'm all for the gays but fuck guys...these mother fuckers can be ruthless sometimes. Cold-blooded gays aren't ones to fuck with. I dont' care if you're a goddamn MMA fighter...fuck with a gay, you're toast. They may get their ass kicked, but don't sleep with both eyes closed because you might wake up with a goddamn surprise. Sneaky bastards. Just sayin'. Go gay. #nohomo

What would we do without this diverse group of people flooding our television screens on a weekly basis? Some love it. Some hate it. In any event, we watch it. For the drama of it all.

And you know what reality TV does beyond the fucking entertainment, laughter and the [occasional] tears? It makes you REALLY fucking happy that your life isn't as fucked up as the people you're watching every night.

Although, for the lucky few who sit and watch this fucking garbage, and realize you fall under any of these categories............ consider yourself the next big star!

You're Welcome.

Sister What?

So let me get this straight. One dude, 4 wives, 90 kids or some shit like that?  They have a reality show for this?  During the commercials of the Eagles/Giants game, I was flipping channels and stumbled upon this show.  For some reason, I can't stop watching it.  One guy is with 4 completely different chicks, all of which he has kids with (I think).  The thing that kills me is that all 4 chicks are all different.  You would think that this dude had one certain type (I guess not, from looking at some of these broads).  There is one thing I have noticed watching 15 minutes of this show so far...these wives all bitch.  Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.  If you were that guy, wouldn't it drive you insane?  Wouldn't it make you want to shout out, "PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  In addition, dude has hella kids.  I mean, HELLA kids.  Anything outside of 4 kids is a lot. I don't care who you fucking are.  But 45 kids or whatever?  If that was my life, I would drink everyday and probably ram my head into a wall knowing what I have to come home to.  Who does that?  How is that right?  Why is this guy high on life and seem to be in a good ass mood all the time? His wives all want to spend time with him, bitch to each other and seem very angry.  These folks in Utah trip me the fuck out.  

Man, 20 minutes into this shit and these chicks are still bitching.  People watch this trash?  I have a headache now and feel the need to drink a can of FourLoko so I can blackout and not remember this moment in my life that I just wasted.  I don't know what's worse, this show or any reality show on VH-1.