Hotels are great...with exception.

This morning I was taking a shower in my hotel. Mind you, I'm staying at the Marriot. Everything about it was fucking nice. The size of the room. The big screen tv. The bed...oh shit, the fucking bed was incredible. However, there is always something fucked up at every nice hotel, let alone any hotel, I stay at. No, I'm not talking about the piece of shit safe in the closet. Nor am I talking about the goddamn fucking broken coffee maker. I'm talking about these 3 things:

The shampoo, soap, and lotion. 

Don't look confused fuckers. You know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. Those 3 little things that 96% of goddamn America use on a daily basis. The shit that makes us so fresh and so clean. The shit that makes us smell like roses. The shit that takes us from going ashy to classy. Yeah...those 3 things. 

At home, those 3 things don't really mean much. Why? Well, because we use it everyday. Duh. But once you stay at a hotel and have to deal with the "hotel shit", things go south. Here's what I'm talking about:

Shampoo:

Sounds like no big deal right? Wrong. Shampoo is an important fucking thing to a lot of us. Even for smooth shaved head mother fuckers like myself. Question for you fellas: What percentage of dudes smell a broads hair at any moment of being with them? Answer: 100 fucking percent. Nothing better than a woman with some beautiful smelling hair, right? Alright, well have a broad use some hotel Ginger Spice Lilac Summer Spring shampoo. Guess what? I will bet the fucking house you will think a goddamn German Shepard shit all over her fucking head...and didn't even say sorry. What the fuck is "Ginger Spice Lilac Summer Spring" scent? For reals...is that suppose to trick us into thinking it's made with real fucking Ginger and Lilac? By the smell of it, one would think it's made from cheese and dog shit. True fucking story. Come the fuck on W Hotel...how much am I paying to smell like I just spent a summer in a goddamn rainforest without a shower? Stop this shit. Please. 

Soap:

I'm a Dove soap guy...ain't gonna fucking lie. I mean, Dove is by far the dopest shit out there. Not only does it make your skin soft as a fucking baby's ass, but it smells fucking amazing. FACT: Bitches love a mother fucker that has good smelling skin. How do you think I got laid all these fucking years? From my looks? Negative...from using good ass smelling soap, ya'll. Dove with moisturizer, try it sometime. But I digress...

Hotel soap fucking sucks. Why? Well, for a few fucking reasons:

1) You'll get ashy ass fucking skin...looking like a fucking bum and shit. That ain't right. Who wants ashy ass fucking skin? Not me mother fuckers. 

2) You will smell like someone pissed on you. Real talk. Like this morning for example: I used the soap that apparently was some "Orange Spice, Rose Petal Blast". First off, what in the fucking fuck is that suppose to smell like? You would think "Awesomeness in a goddamn bar", right? Uhhh not. That shit smelled straight up like fucking piss. Not even fresh piss either, but month long, old piss. How does someone explain to a vendor that you really did take a shower and it was the hotel soap that caused you to smell like a men's urinal? Someone please fucking answer that. 

3) Face soap is the same shit as body soap. Do hotels think we're fucking stupid? For reals. How the fuck are you gonna have two of the same shitty things but put them in different labeled boxes? Then tell us they're different? Hey mother fuckers, it's bad enough my hair smells like dog shit and my skin smells like piss. Why you gotta go and make my face smell like someone threw up on me then took a brick of gouda cheese and rubbed that shit all up in my grill? Why mother fuckers, why? 

FUCK THIS SHIT. SERIOUSLY.

Lotion:
Why do hotels even have this shit available? I mean, not only does this shit smell like a goddamn dead corpse but, it's like someone mixed mother fucking mayo and water together and put that shit in a 4oz bottle to see if we would use it. Ashy skin? Use the lotion that will not only get you fucking way more ashy, but give you a fucking rash. Any scent that is identified on the bottle, ignore it. Just know you will smell like you have been sitting in a fucking trash can for I don't know...5 years. True story. You're better off chewing some fucking gum, spitting in your hands and rubbing that shit on you. Hell, at least you will smell either fruity or fucking minty. Take your pick.

So there you have it. My diatribe on some useless fucking shit. Moral of the story: Bring your own shit. Especially you ladies. No one wants to smell like a dead fucking body so do as I say, not as I do. What the fuck that means...I have no clue. I'm drinking at a goddamn airport in a corner about to ask a cougar if she wants to pick up my tab.

Keep it real ya'll.