Friday, December 16, 2011

Advice Column: "Almost Mr. Perfect"

Dear The RINGER,

Im a little confused and wanted to know what your thoughts were. I know you always have a comment to make and figured who better to ask!

I have been seeing a guy for about two months and he is great! He has the essentials; house, car, great job, no kids, no crazy ex-wife. He is sweet, considerate and treats me like a queen. He fucks like a beast and man handles me just as I desire. So what is it that I am confused about you ask? I am not trying to sound shallow at all, but he is definitely someone I would not double take on the street.

He's one of those guys that's not ugly, but he's not hot either. He is becoming cuter every time I see him and I really do like him but I still wonder if I am being too shallow about his appearance. I am hesitant to bring him around my friends and family because I know they are going to tell me I could do better. Though my friends have no room to talk about their signifigant others, believe me!

How do I get past this and will this feeling of shallowness go away? What would you do?

Thanks :)

Time to Shine

Dear Time to Shine,

Who gives a shit what anyone thinks? Are you fucking serious right now? You basically just fucking told the goddamn world that you found your "almost close to perfect" guy. Dude got his shit together, has no goddamn baggage/drama and fucks you so good, that you walk bowlegged for 5-7 days. Am I right? However, the issue you have isn't YOUR issue but your family and friends. That being, this mother fucker might be too ugly for you. Listen and listen really fucking good, because what I'm about to pop off is the straight up, goddamn truth.

STAY WITH THIS DUDE!!!! Here's why:

He's as close as to perfect as you're gonna get. Look sweet tits, you're happy. The only problem is, you care what the fuck other people think. If you didn't, then well, your fucking family and friends  would have already met the mother fucker and he'd be fucking you in your parents bedroom, while staying over for Christmas. True goddamn story.

FACT: You can't have the whole package. Life doesn't fucking work that way. If you got someone who's hot as hell and can pass for People Magazine's hottest mother fucker, then guess what? There's a 87% chance he's gonna treat you like shit because he's way more into his mother fucking self than you. If he has money AND looks, then he probably got kids...or herpes. If he has looks, kids and treats you like a queen...he's probably broke as fuck and lives with his parents. See, you can't fucking win. However, right now in this situation, YOU are W-I-N-N-I-N-G! Like my boy J-Wunder says, "Real fucking talk, son!"

So what you'd never do a double take on this guy in the streets. This dude is pounding your pussy like he's tenderizing fucking meat so what the fuck does it matter? He's not ugly, but he's not hot either. Ummm, sweet tits, not sure if you noticed, but if looks were everything to you, you wouldn't be A) Giving this cat the time of day and B) Letting him pulverize your goddamn pussy, baby girl! You following this shit?! Where is my economy size bottle of baby powder?! Where goddamnit?!

You're concerned that if you introduce your "almost perfect" guy to your friends and family, they are going to straight up tell you, "You can do waaaaaay better"...which only means, "You could date a way better looking man." This bothers you and you can't let it. Fuck, you better NOT let it. Last time I checked, looks don't pay for cars, houses, having a job, etc. I'm guessing you're a hot little number so having this guy tied to your arm might be a shock to those close to you. Hey, shit fucking happens and remember he's fucking you, not them.

You pointed out what you're feeling is shallow and without a fucking doubt, it is shallow. Only because you care what the fuck others might think. But realize and recognize that if you put the looks aside, you're happy. Shit, your ass almost might be sprung as fuck! You're with a guy that's "almost perfect". And since I'm a fucking dude and know this shit like dicks in vaginas, I'm gonna let you know the only reason why he's "almost perfect", is for the simple fact that your family and friends are convincing you (inside your head) to believe that you deserve something just above this guy that beats your pussy up like a Rodney King riot. Because if this wasn't the case my friend, he'd be perfect. Something EVERY goddamn woman wishes they fucking had..."that perfect guy".

FACT: Women don't waste time on dudes if they don't see something good in them. Now whatever that "good" is, is subjective but, like I said, women don't waste time because they feel they don't have time to waste. Well, unless they are just sluts and whores who just want to fuck anything and everybody. Those are my kind of bitches. But this isn't about me. This is about you and waking the fuck up and introducing your "perfect guy" to your family and friends. Trust me sugar lips, when you grow the hard ass nipples to do it, you'll feel better about it. And if everyone does have something to say about who you're dating, tell them to go fuck themselves. Why? Because no one fucks you quite like Cute Cock Magee over here.

Don't fuck up perfect because you might never find that shit again,



Kellie said...


LisaRene said...

DUDE, FUCK YEAH!!!! Let's just hope this silly bitch listens.

Anonymous said...

AMEN! You couldn't have put it more perfectly

nakedinside said...

Actually, this guy is already perfect and I can prove it. Think of it this way:

Imagine if he was a 10 in the looks department instead of a 5. Now he's got house, car, great job, no kids, no crazy ex-wife, sweet, considerate, treats you like a queen, fucks you like a beast, and he could be on the cover of GQ. You know what he DOESN'T have now?


Because his looks are the only reason why he doesn't have the self-confidence to be with somebody better than you. If he did have the model looks, then those shallow cunts you call "friends", would be crawling over each other trying to be the first one to fuck him behind your back.

And that's the truth.

O Evil One... said...

Amen RINGER!!!
Everyone comes with their set of Bull Shit, you just need to find someone with a pile of shit you can deal with. Almost perfect sounds pretty fucking perfect to me!!

Anonymous said...

Ringer, you are right on. I dated a guy in college who wasn't the prettiest crayon in the box but he treated me well, didn't cheat on me and did me right. There is no perfect. And if this guy had the GQ looks, this woman would be bitching that he cheats on her. Poor guys, they can't win. And what woman isn't secure enough to date a man with all those good qualities, the ones that really matter, regardless of what her friends think? Shit. First world problems.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and right!

Anonymous said...

The shallow cunt friends will probably still try n fuck him just because he is stable and they want what you have.

Anonymous said...

Ringer you are dead on the money with this one! I've dated TONS of men, with different combinations of qualities. The one I am with now treats me like a goddess, takes it to pound town on the regular, treats my kid awesome, good looking, works. BUT he has a bucket for a car and a bratty kid from a crazy ex-wife. You have to decide what you can live with and what makes you happy. I'm cool with having a man who is good to me, rocks in the sack, lots of fun, good looking, works. I can put up with the kid and crazy ex wife two weekends a month in exchange for all that. So tell Ms. Shallow to get fucked and be happy with her Almost Perfect!

OrionsBelt said...

Great gospel Ringer. That shit was so lethal I should bitch slap the word "advice" for pretending it prolongs in that paragraph as the bible verse Ringer just wrote.

Now I gonna play INCEPTION with this chicks brain I take this to the next level like Mario with firepower. Some day if it hasn't every happen this dude family gonna slap the draw 4 fuck your world uno card on this guy and say "I know she really pretty but I think you can find a girl that can treat you better." Now according to Karma he will listen to them as much as you would listen to your friends regarding the look thing. So ball is in your court just like the almost perfect guy is hard to find. The almost perfect girl who don't give a FUCK what anyone thinks besides herself.

Now I gotta bestow some wisdom on you like Mr. Miyagi. If you feeling the goosebumps on the goosebumps your doing something right. Do this gospel print it out, highlight, put stars around, circle it and put this on your fridge like you got a blue star in kinder garden. If just might give you the sense to do the right thing.

Anonymous said...

^^^ dont understand the gibberish orion. Leave this shit to the crew. "Bestow" your ass into a english class. ~ Dr. Seuss ~

KoolEMac said...

Haha I couldn't read it either!

SugarBrat said...

A-fucking-men. This bitch is stupid if she leaves him. So what...

My boyfriend isn't a hottie, nor is he really tall, but I get treated like I'm the last woman on earth. He can make me scream in bed. He does have a kid but there's no baby mama drama.

You can either have a good looking guy who you're friends are gonna want to fuck or you can have a guy who your friends wouldn't be interested in.