Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Advice Column: Chicks Love a Man's Game

Dear ItMoaGG:

Here's something I've been wondering for a long time. I'm a gal who really likes professional sports. I always have. My favorite is baseball. But I dig whatever ya got. Right now it's football season and I'm right there on Sundays with a steaming mug of coffee in front of the Red Zone at 10:00 a.m. (Sucks to be a fan of the NFL on the West Coast). Thing is--just wondering if the boys think this is sexy or dyke-y or what. Could wrestling over the remote lead to the swarming secondary all over my tight end or are they just going to think of me as one of the boys. Either way, I might win the toss and then again I might not. I know I think it's a little pouf-y if a guy *doesn't* like sports. But what about a girl? Have I just shown up at the club in overalls and visible pit hair?

What does the Great and Powerful Ghetto have to say about this? I mean, like I care. Asshat.


Dear Chick Who I Want to Bang Because She Loves Sports,

FYI: I just got wood reading your question.

FACT: Men absolutely, 100%, fucking love a chick who digs sports. College or pro, it doesn’t fucking matter. You have won over our hearts and given us really huge boners.

See, it’s like this…women want three things from a man:

1) A man to be a man.
2) A man to show his vulnerability and emotional side from time to time.
3) A man who knows how to please a woman - mentally, physically and emotionally.

Are there more? Of course there are but if I had to choose, these three really stick the fuck out. So now that's out of the way, understand that men want these three things from a woman:

1) A woman who is smoking hot 24/7.
2) A woman that can give a great bj, is horny ALL THE TIME and can make a bomb ass sandwich.
3) A woman who LOVES mother fucking sports.

#3 is the one thing that will make a dude tell you he loves you within the first two weeks. Real talk (not really). Hey, I love sports. Like, I live for basketball, baseball and football season. When games are on, don’t talk to me unless you’re gonna grab me a mother fucking beer, make me a shit ton of hot wings, give me a blowjob during the game or at halftime (or both), OR you’re gonna watch the game with me and know what the fuck is going on (none of this chit-chat, lets talk about feelings, bullshit). Any man who is a sports fan like me, will tell you the exact same shit. Trust me.

Men love women. Men love vagina. Men love chicks who love to have sex. Men love blowjobs. Men love chicks who drink beer. But men really fucking L-O-V-E women who dig sports (blowjobs are definitely a tie though). I don’t know if you want to call it kinky or what, but, for some odd ass reason, any woman who can talk the language that men do during a game, can identify players on the field, yell at the tv because there was a bullshit call...is a goddamn keeper in my book. I’m fucking dead serious.

It reminds me of this one chick who I dated back in college. Huge basketball and football fan. She knew the game better than some of my fucking buddies. She drank beer, ate hot wings and nachos, belched like a goddamn 300 pound lineman and was hotter than most women I dated. It was like she was the girl version of me and because she loved sports, I liked her more. Bitch had me sprung and all giddy and shit. Matter of fact, her loving the game as much as I did, made me 1,000,000 times more fucking horny. Not sure why, but it did. It was like I wanted to bang her til my dick died. Man, what I would do to see her in that goddamn Raiders jersey and a thong again. But I digress…

My point is that chicks who dig sports are a plus to not only men, but to the relationship. You enjoying a game is like us enjoying the premiere of Sex in the City - it’s confusing as fucking hell, but hey, no one's fucking complaining.

Dudes that don't like sports scare the shit out of me and makes me wonder what their parents did wrong when raising them. Chicks that like sports know how to make my dick rise. If you're a butch, in all honesty, I got nothing but love for ya. Sure we may not fuck and you look like you might eat me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but hey...you love sports. You're already on my good side. Now, if you aren't butch, well, you already know how I feel along with the millions of other men who are reading this column. Just throw on a jersey, some yoga pants and get ready to start yelling and screaming like mother fuckers at Occupy Wall Street.

The best part about chicks loving sports is when the game is over. If their teams wins, you have victory sex. If their teams loses, you have angry sex. It's a win/win and I'm game. True story.

Now, for those of you ladies who don't like sports, you're probably wondering where you stand with men now, huh? Lets put it this way...you have a vagina: the most powerful thing in the goddamn universe. This needs no more explanation.

Lets watch a game soon and see if it's a win/win,



Anonymous said...

Soooooo good to know. I hope loving sports will make up for not being that hot. Two out of three ain't bad, IYKWIM. Three out of four if you count that I make a killer sandwich, too.

Emerald R. said...

A friend just told me 2 days ago "all the girls claim to be into sports these days, it's insane! I am a relationship chameleon, I will pretend to like sports until that man marries me. I find myself buying sports gear and reading the back pages of the paper just to impress him".
She's right. I've been into sports most of my life and until recent years I had never seen so many chicks at a sports bar.
Phonies, you will be uncovered sooner or later!

Kj said...

True that^ phonies make the rest of us look bad..I love sports, basketball being my favorite and lately I've made it a game of calling these new "sports lovers" out.. Most can't even get 2 starting players right.. Smdh

Tiffany Cassara said...

Love, love, love this blog post!!! I absolutely love sports!!! Football is my favorite! Totally agree with the other comments about the phonies that make the lame attempt to say they "like" sports when they can't even tell you what the call is on the field! I know most of the players on my team (only cause 2nd and 3rd string don't get a lot of publicity)...subscribe to their newsfeed and website! I am totally gonna join the game of calling out the pretenders as well...great idea!!! If they can't tell you 3 players on their favorite team right off rip...they should be banned from all sports bars for life!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Being a guy, I can concur with this blog, these folks seem to know there shit. More importantly, that kitty in the corner is sexy as fuck, GO PACKERS!!

Wonder Woman said...

Omg!!! Im a big hockey and football freak. More so hockey. Turns me on like all hell. The bf liked it cuz we watch at home he gets hand job.during. if we go see live I can barely keep my hands off him til we get home and then its on!!

Anonymous said...

When I met my wife she thought a quarterback was a refund. After a couple seasons she was screaming at the TV more than I was. She even wants in on the fantasy league this year. That's hot!

Sam ;-) said...

Thank God I have a vagina...cuz sports bore the shit outta me. I'd rather bang.

Anonymous said...

Football is fantastic. All that aggression, athleticism and manliness on the field, it's Damn near foreplay/porn. So yes guys, I get very passionate about the game, probably for different reasons, but hey. We're both having a good time :)

Anonymous said...

I guess I must be a giant pussy.... Because I'm a guy and I don't like sports. And I'd prefer a woman that doesn't like sports as well.


Anonymous said...

Well I just recently got into sports cuz my son not only play high school football he eat, drinks, piss, and shits football. After embarrassing my son & myself by going to his games with no knowledge of the sport I decides to watch and i actually like it.. But now my daughter wants to run track & play socca.. Well guess I'm gonna b an all around sports fanatic.. But to be honest I do enjoy the beer & hot wings..

Anonymous said...

I have a vagina and I FUCKING LOVE SPORTS!!! Nothing drives me crazier than a mother fucker talking during the fucking game. REALLY?! SHUT THE FUCK UP because I just missed what was going on. If you talked during the game you got smacked upside the head. I have now started doing that no matter where we are or who it is! And the best sex?! Riding my man while watching the game... Ahh that's my fantasy!

Amanda L said...

Hell mother fucking yes GO RAIDERS!!

Anonymous said...

I make men ashamed that they ever tried to talk basketball with me. I know what I'm talking about, my team is my team, I will defend them until I die (even if their 2 guard just went traitor status and I hope he catches something in South Beach). But I'm wearing a dress and high heels while I'm drinking beer and screaming like a maniac at my tv...

Anonymous said...

Some of the girls in these comments seem too good to be true!