Monday, January 16, 2012

Let me see that thong


The other day I was doing laundry and putting away my delicates. I was looking at the panty pile thinking, "Goddamn, I have a lot of panties" (I also once had a roommate who could not stand the word panties, so, PANTIES, PANTIES, PANTIES) and I took a minute to count them. Well, maybe more than a minute because I have 73 pairs of panties. I am like the rainbow coalition of panties - I have thongs, g-strings (yes, there is a difference), granny panties, boy shorts and every imaginable kind of undergarment to cover my lady business. I also have every kind of fabric and texture too. What can I say, I am a panty hoarder.

All of this got me thinking back to a conversation that I had a while back with a co-worker/good friend of mine, who I will call Andy. Because his fucking name is Andy, that's why I call him that. Andy has a tendency to come into my office and talk about work for 5 minutes, then talk about fuckery for 45 minutes. We have had some pretty interesting conversations, mostly about sex and relationships, and one in particular about lady's lingerie. I was telling him the story about how I accidentally bought a nursing bra - no fucking joke - and I couldn't figure out why the part that covers my breast could unsnap, until my other co-worker said, "asshole, you bought a nursing bra" and laughed at me and walked away. So, Andy and I are sitting in my office, laughing about my foolery and he says to me, "You know, guys don't really care about lingerie or any of that shit, because it is just going to end up being torn off anyway."

Wait, What?? Guys don't care about my pretty panties or nursing bra with snaps for easier access? Guys don't really know the difference between La Perla or Target nighties?? Mind Blown. Life as I know it seemed to not make sense anymore. All of my thoughtsicles started hurling out of control at warp speed. I had to steady myself to make sure I didn't faint from the sheer shock of what my friend just said to me....

No, seriously back to reality. I looked Andy dead in the face and in true H-Bomb eloquence said, "Duh, Fucker." And then I let him in on a little secret.

Women. Don't. Do. Everything. Just. To. Please. Men.

Yes, a LOT of what most women do is to catch or keep the other sex, but not everything. So please, men, calm yourselves and let me enlighten you.

I love my Hello Kitty. It is my best friend. And how do I treat my best friend? I buy her nice things to make her feel appreciated and pretty. Because let's face it, she didn't start off very cute and once a month she gets fucking ANGRY. When I am at Target or Victoria's Secret (pretty much the only 2 places I buy panties) I am not picking out the underoos, saying to myself, "Self, are these underoos going to drive a man so wild with desire that he throws me up against and wall and fucks me like he is on death-row, about to get executed?" Nope, I look at them going, "Is this one going to give me muffin top, is this one going show panty lines under my work pants, is this one going to keep me from getting a raging camel-toe when I am working out?" or, "Ooh, this cotton/lace/velour is so soft, I bet these will feel so nice on my hoo-hah!" Yep, that is pretty much a play-by-play of the thoughts running through my head when I am shopping, with an occasional, "That pair has sparkles on it," because, really, what classy bitch doesn't want sparkles on her Pandora's Box?

Here is revelation #2. I spend hundreds of dollars every year on bras and panties not to look sexy for a dude, but to look sexy for me. I not only love my kitty, but I love my body - I have been especially blessed in the T-N-A areas, and my lady junk looks good in nice bras and panties. I shell out the big bucks so that when I am walking around my house in my underoos, which I am prone to do, I can look at myself in the mirror and be all Silence of the Lambs and shit and say, "I'd fuck me."

Hold up, wait a minute! Before anyone starts saying that I am forgetting about actual lingerie, I am not. I know that we DO buy that fancy shit to please our men and get all dolled up before we hopefully get sexed up. However, in our day-to-day lives not many of us are getting ready to do what we do and are putting on crotchless panties, a bustier, garters and stockings. If you are, leave your email in the comments section so I can contact you, because I will of course need pics of this.

Back to my point. I know for the most part men don't really give a shit if my bra is lacy and my panties match. They want what is underneath all that jazz... and trust me, I want them to have it (hence why I haven't retired the nursing bra - that thing is all kinds of convenient for sexy times). I know what my goal is for my target demographic of males 18-49. But men, keep in mind we as women also like to feel pretty and sexy. And when we feel good, we are more prone to fuck you sideways like drunk college girls. See where this is going?

If you come home and find your woman in the kitchen wearing nothing but a sheer apron and high heels while cooking you dinner, then yes, that is all for you and she is ready to bone down ASAP, so please fuck her on the kitchen counter. And if you end up tearing off her delicates like my good friend Andy says you will, I bet if you hit it properly all will be forgiven.

But, if it is a Tuesday night and you want to bone down, and your lady has on some nice undergarments please don't think they were thinking about sexing you up when they were getting dressed this morning. Side note; most of us were probably thinking about sex, as we do quite often, but not when I was deciding what underwear to put on. Don't over think (that's our job!) our underwear choice as either caring or not caring about what you would think. Instead just just rip them off and do the damn thing!

Oh, and FYI, I am wearing the nursing bra today. Not because I am trying to use it for easy access, but because that shit is so comfortable, it is freezing here in FL and it keeps my nipples from chafing in the cold.

You are fucking welcome, fuckers.

17 comments:

L-Train said...

Fucking thoughtsicles. I'm dying.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with Andy and most of the men. I LOVE panties on a pretty girl. Its seductive and it teases in a good way. It just makes me appreciate what lies undereath. Its kinda like gift wrapping, but 10 times better!

Anonymous said...

Andys wrong my man LOVES LOVES LOVES my panties that being said I am the same I dont care who sees them I FEEL SEXY!!!!!

Jack said...

Women are so great - they don't care what men think...

Anonymous said...

Bullshit, women care what men think just as much as we care about what they think. If not there would be no anorexia, bolemia, depression or any of the other shitty mental diseases that come with a having a vagina or at least being one. In any case Andy is wrong in a way and right in another. I personally find a chick sexiest when she's naked. I don't like clothes getting in the way of some hot, angry fuckin', on the other hand a nice pair of panties do come in handy for cleanup... so thanks girls for thinking us! ;-)

Dana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jade said...

my man loves my sweatpants..bc he knows there is something sexy under the...but I LOVE sexy panties..i want to feel HOT for ME!

Anonymous said...

Mental illnesses, such as anorexia are issues with self image and self worth. While people with these illnesses do care about the thoughts of others -- male or female -- the biggest issue is they don't like themselves. H-Bombs column applied to the women who already love themselves because, lets face it, if you don't love you who else will?

Debilicious said...

Yeah, I just don't wear panties. They are uncomfortable and I can't stand having to pick something out of my ass or worrying about panty lines. Plus, every night when it's sexy time with the lover,.. Well, talk about easy fucking access! I do own a lot of panties.. A LOT of fucking panties. I wear them on two occasions, when it's that time-o the month and when I feel like seducing the boyfriend by cleaning or cooking in nothing but, or dancing in them just for him ;) Now there's something men just fucking love, ladies. So yes, -I- only have my panties for my man... and when I picked them out, I thought to myself, "Self, would the boyfriend fucking love those or what? This is some shit that would make him bend me over and fuck me until I can't walk straight." But I'm definitely diggin' this blog, I know a lot of females will be able to relate to your shit. I'm just unique. And a fucking animal. Rawr, baby.

Darkbeam said...

Also beg to differ:
I love my wife in lingerie...actually any female specimen (except Sarah Palin and f%$#ing Condoleeza) in fanchy undergarments. You want our bowing match to last more and more... wear your fancy panties, ladies...

Debilicious said...

I have not once in my life had a complaint about not wearing undies. Maybe it's because I often surprise my significant other with an occasional sexy dance in my panties, and normally do the cooking and cleaning in them.. I guess the fact that my sex is so fucking amazing probably makes up for it, too. It's great when you're done with a man and you fucked them so good they can't even smoke a cigarette after because they feel paralyzed for a few moments. Yeah, that's probably it..

Rowdy Reign said...

I own regular panties, and I don't wear them that often usually I am commando. :|

but good entry :)

and men DO need to get over themselves.

Anonymous said...

I have thrown away many nursing bras after I no longer needed them for their intended use. I never thought in a million years to keep them for comfort, or ease of access. What a waste...

Janie Zaicek said...

HELL TO THE POWER OF YES !!! I buy for ME !!!

Danielle said...

lmfao. This absolutely made my day. I am a lingerie fanatic, from corsets to boyshorts, and my bf tried to pull the "I dont see why you spend money on that stuff, I love you naked" I'm like, that's nice, who said this was for you? lol

Anonymous said...

Andy sounds like a homo that makes up stories just to look cool..that fuck face don't know what he talking about..sexy panties/lingerie is very sexy!! I love seeing my girl in undies.

Anonymous said...

Ugh! Finally, a Classy Lady breaks it down for those who don't know this shit. I will forward this to every Man I know, ASAP. And I will splurge on a new pair this week in Your Honor. Fuck Yeah.