Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Stinky, Smelly, Stunk...Still Stinks

It’s the worst thing you could ever have upon meeting someone. No, not erectile dysfunctional. And no, not your period. I’m talking about bad breath. Seems like no big deal, right? Wrong mother fuckers. Straight up, wrong.

There is no worse turn off then meeting a cute guy/gal and have it all fucking ruined because it smells like a goddamn German Sheppard took a shit in their mouth. Realize that breath, looks and nice teeth are the first things the opposite sex looks for. And if you think nice teeth and looks will outweigh bad breath, you are sadly mother fucking mistaken. Here’s why…

If you’re not the greatest looking person in the world, but good enough to talk to a hot looking guy/girl, your personality can get you the homerun you’ve been looking for. Make a mother fucker laugh, you’re in it, to win it. Check. If your teeth aren’t the greatest, but you're fine as fuck (sans smiling and shit) well, you have your might be a good fucking idea to get braces or invisi-line, so people don’t think you’re the first human that can open cans with your fucking mouth. Double check. If you’re good looking, got a nice set of pearly whites but have breath that mimics that of a decomposed body, gum ain’t gonna hide that shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Bottom line – YOU’RE FUCKED.

If you floss, brush, and gargle mouthwash/peroxide/rubbing alcohol DAILY, but your mouth still smells like sweaty ass feet and gouda cheese, you got fucking issues that you need to take care of ASAP. I don’t give a shit if you try to tell me you have acid reflux or some type of disease in your goddamn intestines and you’re taking medication for it. I’ve met people with some fucked up problems along those lines and you know what? Their breath didn’t smell like a port-a-potty. When they talked 6 inches from my faces, my nose hairs didn’t singe off. I didn’t feel the need to throw up in their face because it felt like a thousand pound walrus took a fat ass dump on my face. Bad breath can’t be hidden. There is no “back-up” to this problem.

I would rather be ugly and pull some bitches being funny, then have funky ass breath, chew a pack of gum, and still have funky ass breath. Your breath is soooo fucking bad that when gum enters your mouth, the flavors run away mother fucker. That’s how bad it is. So just know, that the Extra gum that was wintergreen flavor, has now turned into mother fucking cardboard. That Wintergreen flavor left the mother fucking wrapper way before it entered your goddamn mouth.

What I don’t get is how people with bad ass breath don’t notice they have horrible, shit kicking breath? You can’t tell me for one fucking second that when you’re breathing through your nose and out your mouth, you can’t smell that fucked up fragrance you like to call “fresh breath”? STOP THAT SHIT. You know you got funky ass breath…you know how I know? Because you look like you’re gonna pass the fuck out every time you breathe mother fucker. Eyes all rolling to the back of your head like a goddamn zombie. For fuck's sake, get that problem fixed. Please.

It's obvious, the dentist isn’t helping. And the doctor is prescribing you to take some pills. That’s two fucking strikes. It’s like your bad breath is the equivalent to herpes. It’s the gift you’re gonna have forever, that no one wants to encounter. So I guess there is no cure. However, I might have a solution...

1) Meet mother fuckers online (E-Harmony, Date-a-bitch, Facebook, etc.). And when you meet them, you better pray to fucking God they like you for who the fuck you are.

2) Talk to them from 5 feet away. I was going to say an "arms length" but lets be real...your fucking breath is toxic as a mother fucker. Last thing you need is someone to pass the fuck out and you gotta call 9-1-1.

3) Start conversations at the end of the night when someone is really fucking waaaaaassssted. They won't flinch from your bad ass breath because at a certain point, mother fuckers go numb. Lets be honest, you can't pull off talking to someone who's sober anywhere.

3 solutions that are fucked up, but hey, very doable.

Bad breath...the most overlooked trait that will make or break any first encounter. You know what's funny? As a majority of your are reading this, you're cupping your hand and checking to see if your shit smells like a fucking carcass.

You're welcome.


Rowdy Reign said...

I didn't my breath is awesome. :)

Nastassja Kinky said...

Spot on, there really is nothing worse!

drs104 said...

Nothin worse than stankin ass breath,smellin like a bucket of boiled bologna...had to throw my own nephew,whos a great kid outta my carpool cuz the fucker was makin fuckers gag,like he ate a shit sammich for breakfast! Fuck kid,get those teeth cleaned,smelled like a hot corpse...p.s.....youre a funny motherfucker! You rock!