Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Advice Column: The Art of the Fart



Sup J!

I've been reading your blog for just a few weeks, and I have to say they are fucking hilarious! I'm gonna have to start quoting some of your shit, 'cause I can't think of anything better myself. Now, i don't know if you've covered this topic yet, but I would love to hear your thoughts on The Female Fart. I'm having one of the funniest fucking conversations with a friend about this and he's told me that NO woman has ever "cut the cheese" in front of him. Not even his ex-wife. I understand the whole bullshit that women are supposed to be modest and proper - and i think i'm pretty fucking classy...but I say fuck that shit. Let your inner Jenny McCarthy out! Why do the guys get to have all the fun while we sit in pain holding that shit in? As long as you're not on all fours with his face in your ass...or at the dinner table...or both...let it out. So J, tell me, in your opinion - When is it and when isn't it acceptable? If your lady-friend, girlfriend or wife lets one go in your presence, do you give her a high-five or drop the bitch faster than the worst lay of your life?


Thanks,
GiGi Towers


Dear GiGi Towers:

Is that your porn name? Just wondering. Sounds like a first pet/street you grew up on kind of name. 

In answer to your question, we’ve covered a lot of ground in the fart department, but never answered a specific question from a fan on this topic. It’s an interesting question that I’m sure will spark a heated debate among the Pro-Fart / Pro-Hold-That-Shit-In camps. The Ghetto Genius Team gathered at HQ to discuss this pressing question over some beers and hard-boiled eggs and we learned some shit about each other. For instance, one team member is uptight and kind of squeamish about anything that comes OUT of the ass. As you read, you will figure out who the fuck is who in this bitch. As those of you who have been fans for a while might have guessed, I’m Team Pro-Fart, and here’s why:   

FARTS ARE FUCKING FUNNY. I have a whole bunch more shit to say, but I’m gonna lead with that because it’s the absolute fucking truth. Anybody who disagrees with that shit might as well just skip down to another (H-Bomb’s) opinion on the subject, because you’re not gonna like a fucking thing you read here.

My 3 closest female friends take their membership in Team Pro-Hold-That-Shit-In really fucking seriously. One, Tamika, has been with her husband for 13 years, married for 10, and she won’t shit while he’s in the house. WTF??? She has never shit while he was home, and has never let him hear her fart. That is not to say she doesn’t fart, because me and Tamika could have made a living off the natural gas we produced back in the day. And still could. We some gassy bitches. Maybe not everyone has that problem, but I feel bad as HELL for the people who do have the problem and don’t let that business fly when it’s necessary. I refuse – RE.FUSE. – to hold in a fart for anybody or anything. Ever. In life. Ladies, don’t get all “Ew, that’s so nasty” because I don’t care what you bitches say, you all fucking do it. They even wrote a book about it, so stop trying to front. It’s fine if you don’t get a personal thrill out of a particularly awesome fart – the really long, really loud ones that you can control with your butt muscles?  That’s when shit gets real. And I fucking love it. 

We were competitive farters in my family when I was growing up. Some of us have never grown past it. I have aunts and uncles who are old enough to be grandparents and we laugh until we cry about fucking farts. Is it immature?  Absolutely? Have we pissed ourselves laughing over it?  Frequently. Tamika and I once pissed ourselves in a rowboat in the middle of the lake on a calm, misty morning  because we were farting on the metal seats in the boat and making that shit echo all the way to Michigan. What, I ask you, is not funny about that?  

My ex-boyfriend was great about the farting and burping, too. As you have by now realized, I have never been shy with anyone I’ve ever dated. I don’t, like, lift a leg and do the “throttle hand” on a first date or anything, but it’s never long before a dude gets to know the REAL me. The ex and I would have contests (yes, we were well into our 30’s) and I introduced him to fart-lighting because HE.HAD.NEVER.HEARD.OF.IT. What the fuck did they do in HIS neighborhood on Friday nights?  Some fucking people just don’t know how to live.  You know who knows how to live? People who fart.


HB: Before I throw in my 2 cents I want to first give a personal "Fuck You" to Toots McGee, aka, L-Train for calling me out 'cus I clench my asshole so tight I can pick up a quarter off a freshly waxed floor. Bitch wishes she could clench an anus like me. But (no pun intended) back to the matter at hand, er, ass. I am of the Native American Tribe, Clenchyourhole. Yes, I am a proud fart holder. Why? Because Fuck You. That's why. I don't know why I can't let a fart rip with the best of them, I just never have, never will. It's actually a joke amongst my friends and one year as a gift I was given the book "Everyone Poops." I know everyone poops and farts, but I a) don't need to know about your butthole situation b) don't need to share mine with you and c) there is no c, I just didn't want to leave only a and b. L - your friend Tamika sounds like a chick I could be down with. I lived with my ex for a long ass time and during that time I NEVER farted in front of him. Seriously. I also never took a crap in front of him and when we were sleeping at night I would go downstairs to the guest bathroom to pee. I am not a fan of the expulsion of bodily fluids unless they are directly correlating to me making an O-Face. Realest Motherfucking Talk Ever. And don't even think about calling me uptight. I am about as fucking laid back as they get, especially when it comes to the freak nasty shit. Just not the actual shit. Nope. Never. Uh-Uh. No way, now how. Call me weird, crazy, or whatever, but I don't fart in front of anyone I am trying to make sexy time with. Just ain't my bag baby. Now, if you want to get an air mattress, some baby oil and a video camera...I am down for that.

JW: I’m gonna be 100% honest..mother fuckers need to fart. It’s a part of life. I fart, you fart, we ALL fucking fart. Now, some people who fart…like you obese mother fuckers for example, need to check their goddamn drawers 85% of the fucking time. Why? Because I question what comes out of your goddamn ass sometimes yo. My farts, by any means, don’t smell like roses…but a decomposed body? Get the fuck outta here son!!!! I’ll laugh til the goddamn strippers come home when it comes to farting, but if you haven’t eaten a salad or a piece of fruit in, lets just say, EVER…take yourself to the next city over if you’re about to blast ass. Better yet, just go hot box yourself in your ride. It’s one thing to have a loud, smelly, fart…and it’s another to have a loud, “I’m about to roll over and die mother fucker”, fart.

Now, with exception to the farts that smell like a dead body that hasn’t been found for 6 months, I could care less if a mother fucker, this includes you ladies, farts. I mean, if I’m fucking a broad and she farts during sexy time, I might punch the bitch in her shoulder blade (because you know I be tappin’ that shit from the back yo), so make sure you fart before or after I’m done tappin’ the Pu-Tang. Ya dig?

Farting is nothing to be embarrassed about. Especially if I know what will lead you to fart. For example…if we’re at a lovely Mexican Restaurant and you’re eating beans and all that other shit cooked in lard…there’s a great fucking chance you’re not only gonna fart, but probably clog my goddamn toilet for roughly 30-45 minutes. Just sayin’. Also, if we’re at Buffalo Wild Wings and your hot little ass is drinking a ton of beer with me, I know for goddamn certain, your ass will get a case of the bubble guts and be pootin' like a mother fucker. Hey, it’s cool. As long as you’re not trying to celebrate the shit every fucking time, go ahead and rip ass once in a while. I mean, I might look shocked as fuck at first, but once I let one fly, it’s all good. We can play "ass commander" or some shit.

Now, some of you fellas and ladies are thinking I might be some morbid sick fuck…but lets be real. 73% of you couples out there play ass trombone on the daily with one another. So don’t be acting like I’m the crazy mother fucker. If you gots to go, you gots to fucking go. It’s just like me when I gotta take a shit…I’m sorry I fucked up your bathroom but what would you rather have happen? Me shit on your Persian fucking rug with remnants of corn and black beans with 2 day old Guinness mixed in, OR I blow your toilet the fuck up and throw some Clorox in that mother fucker after I plunge it 3-4 times? See where I’m going with this? Good because I don’t.

There is never a good or bad time to fart…just let that fucker rip and if they look at you all crazy and shit, just laugh and say, “What? Don’t be hatin’ because my ass is celebratin’." Gotta keep that shit 100.

Do As You Dig...Just Don't Shit Your Pants,

The CREW

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I am sitting in my cubicle laughing so much I am crying.

I am a member of the Hold-That-Sh*t-In camp!

GiGi Towers said...

LMFAO!!!! This is fucking awesome! Now i'm gonna share it with all the tight-asses bitches that look at ME funny when if let one go. Thanks for the response!

PS: Gigi Towers is indeed my 'porn' name. Only, both names are in reference to my G-sized tatas! ;)

L-Train said...

Glad you liked it, GiGi! You ask the awesome questions, we give the bad-ass answers! Consider this column dedicated to YOU!

p.s. Size G, G? Call me...

H-Bomb said...

L-Train, stop acting like you like boobies. GiGi, call me. I love me some titties.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha oh shit (pun intended) me and my bf talk about this all the time. He's a total fart because he can guy. I'm a girl that won't fart infront of him but will use the bathroom. He's trying to convince me that its cool, this just proved him right :) thanks guys

GiGi Towers said...

L-Train...H-Bomb...How about you BOTH call me. ;P

H-Bomb said...

Yeah, L will call you on the 11th of Nevuary. Bitch is all bark, no bite.

Email J some photos to jwunder33@gmail.com. Tell him to forward them to me. We will get shit cracking.

Pam G said...

I am laughing so hard right now! One of your best advice columns yet!!!

P.S. I'm a chick who will rip ass whenever...wherever!!!

Anonymous said...

I am now crying from laughing so hard. You are the funniest mo-fo ever. I am going to share this with my non farting peeps. Love ya!!!

Anonymous said...

Dicks and shit...another creative bomb.

L.A. Are said...

amazing. I'm a broad who farts where ever whenever. :)

Anonymous said...

All I can say is this is some funny shit.

Anonymous said...

Love it!!! I'm a member of hold-that-sh*t-in-camp when I am around people but when alone? Fire away, bitches! :) part of that is because I don't wanna be like the nasty ass bitches that cropdusted the entire local grocery store so badly that me & my hubs had to abandon our groceries & fucking flee!

Anonymous said...

I'm a kind of "know-when-to-fart" My flatmates are another guy and a couple. I never fart when the girl is around, but when it's just us guys, I never hold one and they never do either. On to the funnier part, I will never let a loud one go in the office, never-fucking-ever. I'm a professional motherfucker and the office is no place for loud shit (pun intended). However I don't like a lot of ppl in the office, and I love the "silent but deadly" kind, and I'm pretty fucking talented in generating one. Real talk. Whenever I feel an urge for a silent one, it's like a fucking gift of god, I immediately get off my ass for a walk past a colleague I don't like and let a silent nuke go. Every time I think "You know I hate you, but you have no idea how fucking much"

Anonymous said...

I have two young daughters. They think the shit is fucking funny as hell when they fart. They take pride in the burping. They don't care where they r or who they r with, they just let them fucking rip. They r always" hey mom, listen to this shit"! And they just fart their fucking asses off. I can't help it, I just fucking laugh with them. To me they r just being themselves. They do make a mother fucking proud!

Anonymous said...

I have never farted in front of a man before. Whoa, wait just twice, both unintentional! The 1st one insisted I do it, I fought it, and he tickled me till it happened then left immediately! The 2nd was a terrible, terrible situation! I was shopping with a male friend, the store was fairly empty, especially in the area I was in. We had just left a vegitarian resturant, and I'm not much of a veggie eater, soooo, the effects were TERRIBLE! At 1st I felt a little heat & pressure back there and a bit of pain, and thought to myself OMG, not now, not now! And I could tell it would not be one of those that it was even possible to hold, so I tried walking away from my friend, he followed, lol! I tried to get him to go find something for me on the other side of the store and he wouldn't leave my side. So I let go and prayed it wasn't gonna be bad. I was silent and extremely deadly! All I could do was look at him and wait for the reaction, I will never forget the look on his face when it hit him, it looked like something from a cartoon! And then he said, "Was that you?" I immediatly said NO! That wasn't me! He said, "but theres nobody here but you and me, and I didn't do it!" From that moment on for years on end he has made fun of me, called me bin laden, says I should sell that shit to the military for weapons of mass destruction. And I still to this day say, it wasn't me damn it!

jacquie said...

Don't be hatin cause my ass is celebratin!! Had ROFLMFAO by myself for a good 30min

Melissa Cifelli said...

Holy shit, I'm sitting here in the college library red-faced and teary-eyed from that. That was great. Gotta try the metal boat thing. LMAO

Anonymous said...

You guys are crazy as fuck, just read this, on the toilet, taking a shit,lol . I'm pro-fart definetley and I hope my girl is comfortable enought to be, Juss not when we're sexing lol

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard I farted!

Bele said...

I am thinking I need to NOT read your columns out loud to my friends. I was laughing so hard I could barely read and when I was able to get anything out, I had her laughing so hard she ripped a huge one (thanks Taco Bell, I truly appreciate it lol
). If you can't tell, we are both Pro- Rippers here. Keep it up! We loved it!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I am in tears here laughing my ass off!!!! When I first started dating my hubz, he picked me up & he had an escapee - he turned bright red & looked at me like I was gonna run in the other direction. I just doubled over laughing & told him "it's on mother fucker". It's been on ever since lol

Anonymous said...

Everyone darts and shits. hell, when I'm boning a bitch in the butt, and she shits on my dick, I take it as a compliment, yo! I just laterally fucked the shit outta her. Real talk, motherfuckers

Cheri said...

You know what's funny??? I get hit on a great deal by every type of man in existence....even gay men hit on me, so to combat this onslought of tactless men I frequently fart. If it is a silent fart I mention that I'm farting silently during conversation. My hypothesis was that this would make me LESS attractive to the opposite sex. WAY FUCKING WRONG. Now I'm one of the guys and not only do they want to bang me but IM THEIR ONE TRUE LOVE AND I JUST DONT KNOW IT YET.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? please tell me how that fucking back fired (pun intended) in my face??

Vixn said...

...I just laughed so hard I farted