Just one of the bitches

We all have known or know a woman who says, “I am a guy’s girl” or “I just relate to men better than women” or something along those lines and states that they only have guy friends. I have been a woman all of my life (yep, no dick-switcheroos for me) and grew up with older brothers, so I do know the allure and appeal to being “one of the guys.”  It wasn't until recently though, that I started to discover this phenomena of some women who "only friend guys," and in general, cannot be bothered to have female friends for this reason or that.

When I was a young wee lass, I longed to hang out with my brothers; to be allowed into their secret world of G.I. Joes, bike riding adventures and days spent playing in the mud. My mom or grandma would put me in a dress and send me to play with my dolls and I would immediately end up in my Care Bear underwear and a tank top, running around to catch up with the boys. However, after a few rowdy games of chase (one that ended with me getting stitches above my eyebrow), my Barbie legs being ripped off and used for boomerangs, or having to watch endless hours of boys playing video games, I shot the boys the deuce, got on my purple bike with purple wheels and went to go play with Kathy, Lisa, Natalie or Stephanie (all of whom I am still friends with to this day) and have some silly, girly, fun.

I can imagine that some of the readers are yawning and getting ready to go read something else, because they think this is going down the path of a touchy-feely, Lifetime movie on the virtues of sisterhood bullshit fluff piece. I assure you, it’s fucking not. Rule #1 in my world: Fuck Bitches, Be Funny. And I swear to Christ if J-Wunder puts that on a shirt without my permission I am going to Ro Sham Bo his ass for the rights to it. Real Talk. You heard that shit here first.

What I am, is so fucking sick of the women who run around saying, “I can only be friends with guys” and all that other shit. Yeah, I get it. You are sooooooooo above females and all their alleged bullshit that you think you can only be friends with guys because they are the only ones who “get you.” This just in my special little friend - the problem is probably not other women. 99.976345% of the time, the problem is the same bitch that stares back at you every morning, when you are looking at yourself in the goddamn mirror at some random dude’s house from the night before. How’s about you do the rest of the female population a favor and get the fuck over yourself?

So, you fancy yourself as one of these “guy’s girls,” who can only be friends with guys because women are too catty and cause too much drama and blabbity, blah, blah, blah? Why did your last female friendship end? Was it because you tried to fuck your friend’s significant other? Or was it because you kept flaking out on your friends to go hang out with your flavor of the minute? Are women always jealous of you because you are so beautiful, witty, smart, talented, successful, etc? Are all women out to sabotage you and they can’t be trusted? I get it, that’s why you like to have only men friends. You need a) the attention and b) the lack of expectation that male friendship provides.

Um, yeah, duh. That’s why all women have a few males that are in the no-bone-zone. That’s the kind of guy friend who you know for a fact does not want to fuck you, you don’t want to fuck them and you can talk about things openly and honestly without any hidden agenda or meaning. I am sure most women love that guy friend who we can be around and be 100% ourselves and not worry that they are trying to fuck us, or feel fucking awkward if they think we are pretty or smart or special. (Big Shout out to my boy Andy S!) We get to save all that insecure, second guessing, Jedi Mind Trick that we play on ourselves for the dude we are actually trying to bone.

And you know what we do then? We obsess about that kind of stuff to our girlfriends.That’s the difference between a girl with a guy who actually is just her friend, and a girl who thinks she is “just one of the guys” – the girl with the guy friend has female friends to be all crazy in the head with and she can talk about why this guy didn’t call her and what not, but can also bounce some ideas off her guy friend and he will give her a different perspective (i.e. some fucking truth bombs that girlfriends are sometimes reluctant to give) on why so and so didn’t call or if she is wearing some shiteous outfit.

Here’s the funny thing about that male perspective, I bet 9 times out of 10, if you are one of those girls who only has guy friends, you are probably not going to get that true male perspective. Why, you ask? Oh, because all your so-called “guy friends” are also probably trying to fuck you. Either covertly, or not so much. If you had one or two good female friends, someone would have pointed that out to you by now.

How you chose to interpret your guy friend scenario is pretty much how you view the world. If you act like you are oblivious to the fact that all your “guy friends” want to fuck you, then you are probably oblivious to just about everything else that goes on in the world, unless it pertains directly to you. That is also why you probably don’t have a lot of female friends - most women who are out of their drunken, party-girl phase cherish a good female friend who they can confide in, talk about period stuff and go shoe shopping with. If you have a guy friend that you can do this with, too, ask him his boyfriend’s name.

On the flip, if you are the kind of girl that uses her “guy friends” to take her out to dinner, buy her drinks, show her a good time, be there for moral support and you know that this guy may have feelings for you and is just working the “friend” angle to hopefully, one day, taste your honey pot, then there is another word for you altogether.

I know some of the women reading this are thinking I am a hater because I am calling some of these fake bitches out on being “one of the guys,” when they are really just being one of the bitches. I do know some girls, who have more guy friends than girl friends, but the catch is they do have a girlfriend or two. A real one as well, not just some casual acquaintance they use to go to the bar with, but a girl they call for the pep talk that only a girlfriend can give when your heart or you favorite heel is broken.

For those of you that are still calling me a hater, ask yourself this: are you the kind of girl who can’t keep a female friend for some reason or the other? Are the bitches always causing some kind of drama, stealing your shine or do whatever is that jealous bitches do? Here’s a little tip, sunshine. We are not jealous; we are just over your bullshit - plain and simple. Oh, and here is a big-gulp size glass of haterade for you to drink, before you tell me what a cunt I am. Unfortunately, I am not going to be available for comment, because I am going to be out to dinner with my 4 best girlfriends...the ones I have had since high school. I think one of them just synced periods with me too!

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I'm out this bitch.