Just one of the bitches

We all have known or know a woman who says, “I am a guy’s girl” or “I just relate to men better than women” or something along those lines and states that they only have guy friends. I have been a woman all of my life (yep, no dick-switcheroos for me) and grew up with older brothers, so I do know the allure and appeal to being “one of the guys.”  It wasn't until recently though, that I started to discover this phenomena of some women who "only friend guys," and in general, cannot be bothered to have female friends for this reason or that.

When I was a young wee lass, I longed to hang out with my brothers; to be allowed into their secret world of G.I. Joes, bike riding adventures and days spent playing in the mud. My mom or grandma would put me in a dress and send me to play with my dolls and I would immediately end up in my Care Bear underwear and a tank top, running around to catch up with the boys. However, after a few rowdy games of chase (one that ended with me getting stitches above my eyebrow), my Barbie legs being ripped off and used for boomerangs, or having to watch endless hours of boys playing video games, I shot the boys the deuce, got on my purple bike with purple wheels and went to go play with Kathy, Lisa, Natalie or Stephanie (all of whom I am still friends with to this day) and have some silly, girly, fun.

I can imagine that some of the readers are yawning and getting ready to go read something else, because they think this is going down the path of a touchy-feely, Lifetime movie on the virtues of sisterhood bullshit fluff piece. I assure you, it’s fucking not. Rule #1 in my world: Fuck Bitches, Be Funny. And I swear to Christ if J-Wunder puts that on a shirt without my permission I am going to Ro Sham Bo his ass for the rights to it. Real Talk. You heard that shit here first.

What I am, is so fucking sick of the women who run around saying, “I can only be friends with guys” and all that other shit. Yeah, I get it. You are sooooooooo above females and all their alleged bullshit that you think you can only be friends with guys because they are the only ones who “get you.” This just in my special little friend - the problem is probably not other women. 99.976345% of the time, the problem is the same bitch that stares back at you every morning, when you are looking at yourself in the goddamn mirror at some random dude’s house from the night before. How’s about you do the rest of the female population a favor and get the fuck over yourself?

So, you fancy yourself as one of these “guy’s girls,” who can only be friends with guys because women are too catty and cause too much drama and blabbity, blah, blah, blah? Why did your last female friendship end? Was it because you tried to fuck your friend’s significant other? Or was it because you kept flaking out on your friends to go hang out with your flavor of the minute? Are women always jealous of you because you are so beautiful, witty, smart, talented, successful, etc? Are all women out to sabotage you and they can’t be trusted? I get it, that’s why you like to have only men friends. You need a) the attention and b) the lack of expectation that male friendship provides.

Um, yeah, duh. That’s why all women have a few males that are in the no-bone-zone. That’s the kind of guy friend who you know for a fact does not want to fuck you, you don’t want to fuck them and you can talk about things openly and honestly without any hidden agenda or meaning. I am sure most women love that guy friend who we can be around and be 100% ourselves and not worry that they are trying to fuck us, or feel fucking awkward if they think we are pretty or smart or special. (Big Shout out to my boy Andy S!) We get to save all that insecure, second guessing, Jedi Mind Trick that we play on ourselves for the dude we are actually trying to bone.

And you know what we do then? We obsess about that kind of stuff to our girlfriends.That’s the difference between a girl with a guy who actually is just her friend, and a girl who thinks she is “just one of the guys” – the girl with the guy friend has female friends to be all crazy in the head with and she can talk about why this guy didn’t call her and what not, but can also bounce some ideas off her guy friend and he will give her a different perspective (i.e. some fucking truth bombs that girlfriends are sometimes reluctant to give) on why so and so didn’t call or if she is wearing some shiteous outfit.

Here’s the funny thing about that male perspective, I bet 9 times out of 10, if you are one of those girls who only has guy friends, you are probably not going to get that true male perspective. Why, you ask? Oh, because all your so-called “guy friends” are also probably trying to fuck you. Either covertly, or not so much. If you had one or two good female friends, someone would have pointed that out to you by now.

How you chose to interpret your guy friend scenario is pretty much how you view the world. If you act like you are oblivious to the fact that all your “guy friends” want to fuck you, then you are probably oblivious to just about everything else that goes on in the world, unless it pertains directly to you. That is also why you probably don’t have a lot of female friends - most women who are out of their drunken, party-girl phase cherish a good female friend who they can confide in, talk about period stuff and go shoe shopping with. If you have a guy friend that you can do this with, too, ask him his boyfriend’s name.

On the flip, if you are the kind of girl that uses her “guy friends” to take her out to dinner, buy her drinks, show her a good time, be there for moral support and you know that this guy may have feelings for you and is just working the “friend” angle to hopefully, one day, taste your honey pot, then there is another word for you altogether.

I know some of the women reading this are thinking I am a hater because I am calling some of these fake bitches out on being “one of the guys,” when they are really just being one of the bitches. I do know some girls, who have more guy friends than girl friends, but the catch is they do have a girlfriend or two. A real one as well, not just some casual acquaintance they use to go to the bar with, but a girl they call for the pep talk that only a girlfriend can give when your heart or you favorite heel is broken.

For those of you that are still calling me a hater, ask yourself this: are you the kind of girl who can’t keep a female friend for some reason or the other? Are the bitches always causing some kind of drama, stealing your shine or do whatever is that jealous bitches do? Here’s a little tip, sunshine. We are not jealous; we are just over your bullshit - plain and simple. Oh, and here is a big-gulp size glass of haterade for you to drink, before you tell me what a cunt I am. Unfortunately, I am not going to be available for comment, because I am going to be out to dinner with my 4 best girlfriends...the ones I have had since high school. I think one of them just synced periods with me too!

Welcome to Maxi Pad. The 3pm and 7pm show are exactly the same, please tip your waiter or waitress generously.

I'm out this bitch.

Dear Hater...

Dear Hater,

I hope this letter finds you well. Actually, no I don’t you fucking hater. So hey, I got a question for you…what the fuck is your goddamn problem? How come you can’t lighten the fuck up? For fuck’s sake, you realize 53% of America hates you motherfuckers, right? What did any of us non-haters do to you?

Were you not hugged enough as a kid or something? Why do you gotta hate on everything? Is it our fault you haven’t been laid and you’re 35 years old living in your parents basement? Don’t blame us, motherfuckers, blame your parents for giving birth to something that looks like a retarded fucking ostrich with tourette's.

Lemme guess…you’re mad because the ideas your friends or others had are better than yours? Well, ain’t that a bitch. Stop kidding yourself, you don’t have ideas. You’re too fucking stupid to have ideas. How do we know? Well, considering your Facebook statuses sound like a foreign exchange student trying to read the English Dictionary, we’re pretty sure you’re a fucking idiot. But hey, “you don’t give a fuck…you keep it real”, right? Please motherfucker, spare the air and die already.

Wanna know why no one likes you? Because bottom line, you’re a fucking hater. You know what God hates more than a fucking pussy? A fucking hater. That's right. You = Hater. As the world goes about their day and actually enjoys life, there you are…hating the fuck away. Trying to make sure everyone is miserable so you can get a good laugh. That’s funny, only because when we ignore you, you try harder…and harder…so damn hard that it eats at you. Every day. Every fucking night. How does it feel to have two jobs? You know, sucking your dads dick to make sure he leaves you something good in the Will and Hating? We all know you don’t have a real job. Why? Because you are the most socially awkward motherfucker, that’s why. And for some strange reason, it has led you to hate...EVERYBODY.

How do you do it? What’s the motivation? I bet it was the failed Rapture, huh? Actually, I’m almost 100% positive it was the failed Rapture that brought you haters out in full effect. Well let me tell you and the other 47% of you fucking haters something…KEEP HATING. Keep hating motherfuckers because at the end of the day, the 53% will still be better than you, still get more ass, still have more friends, still make people laugh, still live drama free and still eat bacon (with syrup bitch). All because the shit that keeps you sons of bitches awake at night, doesn’t mean shit to us.

You’re reading this and saying, “I’m a hater, you’re a fucking hater for writing this column”. No, no, no my fucktastic hater friend...I'm not hating. I'm stating a goddamn fact. A fact that says you, slap dick, are a piece of shit and could go fuck a goat for all we care.

So in sum, lighten the fuck up or keep hating. Your choice. Regardless, the 53% will go about their day enjoying life and living drama free. Just know that while you sit there, all pouty and shit, with your 10 cats that smell like fucking sweaty ass feet, while playing 22 non-stop, action packed hours of Call of Duty. Does that make you angry? Sad? Frustrated? I hope it does. I really fucking do. Cunt.  

Oh, and one last thing...go fuck yourself.

Thanks,

53% of Awesomeness, Bitch

Advice Column: Bitches be hatin'

Dear J-Wunder,

I just wanted to vent a little about my job. I work in an office with over 300 people in it, and everyone is split up into teams of 8. On my team it's all women!! Only 3 are cool (myself being one of the three). the other 5 range from 22 to 37ish. All have kids and are in a relationship or married.

(Don't ask me how) but none of them are good looking but think they are the shit! They are always talking shit on other people's flaws. I guess to make their pathetic lives better. None have gotten out of the high school phase of life. If I wasn't in fear of losing my job, I would tell them to stop talking about everyone else and to just look in the mirror! The 3 that are cool are the ones who pull the production numbers for the company every month. So that gives them more ammo, because it's lonely at the top!

What are your thoughts on this situation?

Thanks,
Keepin' it real



Dear Keepin' it real,

Hate. Everyone has it. For some, the shit is fucking extreme. For others, not so much. Women are evil fucking bitches. Not all, just some. To be honest...a woman's hate is something you don't want to fuck with (depending on who it is). Why? Well, if I were to answer that question specifically, I might not wake up tomorrow. And you readers wouldn't want that to happen, would you? That's what I thought.

If there is one thing I need to make clear, it's that there are types of haters. A few of which, you my dear, are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. With that being said, I want to share with you and the rest of these normal and hateful bastards, "J-Wunder's Lists of Hateraders". If you think "hateraders" isn't a word, well it is now. You're Welcome.

The Ugly Hater: Here's the truth - ugly bitches HATE pretty bitches. End of fucking story. There is no fucking mystery to it. These haters know they're ugly as fucking sin and haven't gotten laid since, I don't know, 1989 maybe? See, these types of haters hate dealing with the good looking folks because for starters, good looking people always get looked at. They always get compliments. They always smell good. They always dress nice. If you're ugly, you too can smell good and dress nice...but for fuck's sake, you're ugly. How good you smell and how nice you dress can't change the fact that your face, looks like it got beaten with the ugly stick and went through a meat grinder...TWICE. Society doesn't accept ugly. True story. Let's not forget to mention, muffin tops were the shit back in 1973...not the 21st fucking Century. One word: Treadmill. Two more words: Plastic surgery. 

The Unsuccessful Hater: You know what's worse than being the ugly hater? Being the poor motherfucker watching everyone around you move up the corporate ladder because they are that damn good at what they do. Yes...I'm talking about the unsuccessful hater. The hater that is too fucking stupid to realize that high school diploma's are worth $1.50/hour these days. While you make the dough week in and week out, they are still learning how to tie their fucking shoes and teach themselves how to talk on the phone. You think I'm bullshitting, I'm not. No worse combo than being fucking ugly and stupid. That combo right there is reason enough to jump into a pit of hot lava. Just know the only reason they got the job wasn't because they were smart or nailed the interview. Companies these days have to meet quotas in regards to hiring retarded motherfuckers. Looks like they hit those numbers.

The Gossip Hater: Haters love to talk. Especially about those, they feel are a threat to them. These lovely gossiping haters still live back in the high school days. They never shut the fuck up, they are usually haggered past the age of 25 and truthfully, they are straight up cunts. Nothing is worse than a cunt. A bitch I can stand to a certain point, but a cunt? You might as well give me a gun so I can shoot those fuckers right between the titties then ninja kick them in the goddamn esophagus. Fuck, now I'm all worked up because cunts are just bad fucking news. The reality is, the gossip haters cannot and will not accept the fact that the people they despise the most, are better than them. This is why they call out other people's "flaws". Guess what I have to say to that shit? Fuck that and fuck you bitches for running your mouth like you're all goody-goody. You ain't shit, your kids are fucking fat and dyslexic and the only thing good about you, are your fat ass nipples that look like trash can lids. Here's an awesome idea: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I could have listed 10 more types but you know what, we would be here all goddamn day...and I ain't trying to write a fucking book on some bullshit motherfuckers I can't stand. In your situation, you deal with these three types. I feel bad for you. Not because you have to deal with this hate, but because as much as you want to kick these bitches in the vagina, you can't. Fighting in the workplace is never a good thing...that's why you need to become friends with these folks, take them out for drinks then fuck them up Incredible Hulk style. And who doesn't like a good bar fight? Just sayin'.

Haters Gon' Hate,

J-Wunder

Real Talk

I don't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth

 
So here we are folks...12 hours ago, I got into a Facebook standoff with someone I apparently went to school with back in high school. What I thought was hilarious (along with others) she took as an opportunity to school me on the aspects of whatever the fuck she was trying to prove. The end result -  The bitch got fucking destroyed by the man they call, J-Wundernuts. If you missed this exchange, you can catch it here:

The Hating Game

Now, we all know two things: 1) I'm not even close to being a hateful person, 2) I'm fucking funny (sort of). But how does one person think they can get away with trying to school me, on some shit they have no clue about? One of my readers put it best when she said:

Her posts remind me of a quote from Billy Madison, "What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

As a blogger, my job is to do the following:

1) Be funny as fuck (or try to be).
2) Give my personal opinion.
3) Be real no matter what any mother fucker thinks, and tell America what they are thinking but not saying.

Three basic principles I have stuck with and never backed away from. Rewind back to yesterday, and up pops the 1,578th person who has an issue with a goddamn link I posted. A picture of two ugly mother fuckers who found love. Funny? You bet your sweet ass it was funny. So funny that over 40 people shared it via Facebook. However, it wasn't funny to lucky #1,578.


Now, I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That's the beauty of living in this country. I don't mind it because I knew going in to being a blogger, I would get heat for a ton of shit I write or post (comes with the territory). However, when you try to bust knowledge on something that doesn't make any fucking sense and is 10,000 times over your head, game over friend. One reason why people read my blog...I'm honest, state facts and tell the truth (sometimes) in a funny and fucked up sort of way. So as the Hamburglar decided to go off "ABC After School Special" style and talk about how hateful and sad I was, as an individual, she made way for me to put on my anaconda choke.


People, it was yesterday's experience that made me realize something. It made me realize that people like Fuck Face Magee who air their dirty laundry on Facebook about how shitty their marriage, life, blah, blah, blah is, are helpless, hopeless and fucking idiots. Look, saying shit once in a while, by all means, have at it. But every fucking day? Get the fuck out of here with that shit. You think anyone wants to hear that? Even your goddamn friends? Anyone that responds back to your issues, guess what? They are just as fucked up as you are or probably worse. Misery loves fucking company. No one has to explain shit to me and tell me why their life is so great. Do you know by doing that, everyone knows that your life fucking sucks? Not sure how some people can bitch about how shitty their life is but go out of their way to tell me their life is absolutely FANTASTIC! Please. I don't need explanations on what makes your pussy tingle. Why? Because I don't care.


There's no secret that some people either love or hate my blog. The funny truth is, the haters, keep on reading. It's like a bad car accident that you want to turn away from but can't. Why? Because you want to see what I'm going to say next. And if you're all wondering if Snuffaluffagus is reading this column, of course she is. Only because she wants to know if I'm still talking shit. <here's me waving at you talking shit and grabbing my balls hater>...I write because people actually have a good sense of humor and enjoy laughing. But in Super Haters case, a sense of humor and backbone are non-fucking-existent. Calling me hateful is like saying my dick is 8 inches long. Completely untrue.


Haters are going to hate and I'm gonna keep writing. Whatever the fuck I want. Whenever the fuck I want. No one said you have to read my shit, but you choose to. I win, you lose. 


To my blog faithful...I appreciate the love and support. Keep spreading my shit like herpes. I'm out.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Episode 9 (or is it 10) was pretty interesting. Fuck the bullshit intro. Lets go to the mother fucking play-by-play, shall we? Oh, and you're welcome. Check it...


She's BAAAAACCCKKK:
Awkward moments are never fun. Especially when you think someone that left was never coming back...then fucking ends up coming back. Fuck goddamnit, we were wrong people. America knew that Ron-Ron was just beginning to find himself too. We were starting to see glimpses of the old Ronni. Looks like those plans have changed huh, mother fucker?! Surprise!!! Cunt face Sammi is back and apparently, "better than ever"! Somebody fucking throw me off a buiding...I'll stand on the ledge to make it easier for ya.

First off, bitch, you were gone for like what...2 weeks? All of the sudden, you are this NEW person. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Secondly, all this, "I'm a strong woman" bullshit, just needs to stop. America ain't fucking stupid and we all know that you are weak and will go back to Ronni, sooner than later. You may act like you don't give a shit now, but I'm betting the goddamn house that you will be fucking that dude in the next episode...reverse cowgirl style too. You know, it's chicks like you that need help. I'm not saying Ronni is a saint because that mother fucker is crazy and delusional. I mean, I've never seen a guy go from breaking shit that wasn't his, to crying like a goddamn baby in a matter of 15 fucking minutes. I do have to say though, when Sammi entered the house, the look on Ronni's face was fucking priceless. It was as if he went to the doctor's office and found out he got AIDS from fucking one too many grenades with no condom. Aaaah, the look of disappoint and fear is one to always cherish. 

From the man himself, "The Situation," I quote: "Looks like it's back to the old Sam and Ron saga..."

You're telling me mother fucker.  


Give it Up Ronni:
"You look beautiful tonight." "I don't wanna like, smother you."

The attempt to hand hold. Leaving the club before it even gets poppin'. Waiting by the door for Sammi to arrive. Ronni, I have one word for you bro: Pussy. You my friend need to sack the fuck up, drink some milk and show this bitch that she's exactly that...a bitch. Hey man, the world knows you are fucked up in the head. Not Charlie Sheen fucked up, but damn near close. So why are you confirming the fact that you are also a fucking vagina? And not a nice waxed vagina either. But a smelly, hairy, lonely and angry vagina.

Ron-Ron, do you know about 45% of people like you, kill bitches like Sammi? When I say kill, I mean, like you stab or choke a bitch out of love. And do you know why? Because you're fucking crazy bro and obsessed. You think that "love" is arguing. Breaking shit. Making people's beds out on balcony's. Crying uncontrollably while looking like you might take a knife and stab an innocent bystander walking by. Calling a girl a cunt then saying, "I love you so much baby." 45% of people are like you. 100% fucking crazy bro. I don't know what you're up to and why you want Sammi back but, for whatever the case, just know that the next big argument that ensues, I hope someone gets stabbed. Not seriously stabbed, but enough to warrant a hospital visit and maybe some questioning by the Jersey Shore Police Department.

Quit being a bitch, sack the fuck up and start being a man. You big ass pussy.


Who drank the Haterade?:
Let me give you a hint...she's overly tanned, stature of an Ewok, loves anything that smells like food and has a vagina the size of a honey dew melon. Can you guess who? You guessed it right...the Snookster!

One thing I can't fucking stand...it's a goddamn hater. Especially a hater that is not only a LUSH, but a SLUT too. That's possibly the worst fucking hater combo known to man. Hey Snooks, how is banging dudes while hating on your big dick of a roommate necessary? I mean, the dude made it perfectly clear weeks ago, that he ain't trying to fuck you if you're gonna be a hater if he wants to bang other broads. You may hate the fact that Vinny said it, but he was honest. And how could you possibly hate a dude like that, right? Oh that's right, you hate because your vagina's lonely. I guess I would hate too considering your success rate of asking dudes to bone you is a measly 12%. Ouch.

And what is this shit with Sammi, manly ass Deena and JWOWW trying to confide in Snooks? You fucking serious ladies? Hey, do me a favor...stay the fuck out of it. Don't try to give Vinny a guilt trip for something he can't control...and that's an emotional wreck named S-N-O-O-K-I. Especially you Sammi. You little bitch. Trying to talk like you're a goddamn love expert. You're the last person, anyone should listen to. If anything, you need experience what real dick taste like before you open your fucking mouth. Cunt.

Damn, I was a little angry there, huh? Who cares. Sammi's a bitch.


The Hi-Five:
Did anyone see Pauley D hi-five that chick he banged goodbye? He gave her a serious and awkward hi-five. Just one. One hi-five. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Not even an awkward hug where your ass is really pointed out and your back is stiff as a board. But a hi-five. Like the shit you give dudes for making a three-point play. What chicks give one another when they make a "kill" in volleyball. A hi-five? Shit, he got laid so I guess a hi-five is cool. But damn, that's like kissing your cousin when you see them. Not on the lips or anything. Unless you're into that.


The Broken Toilet:
I don't want to get into specific details, because when I think about it, I just end up throwing up in my fucking mouth and honestly, that shit ain't fucking cool. Just know that when a plumber sees what your toilet looks like and is scared shitless of it, then you know shit is fucking REALLY BAD.

They finally got that fucking toilet fixed after weeks of someones shit just hanging out and marinating like it was a fucking steak. Congrats you lazy, dirty, fucks! Man, I need to go and throw the fuck up now.


Karma (not the club) fucking sucks:
Cheese spreads are awesome and taste delightfully delicious. But not so fucking awesome and delicious when that shit resides in between the sheets of your bed. Without you knowing. AND while you're about to bang a broad you just brought home. One word: Karma. Four words: Sucks to be you. It was only a matter of time until some of the roommates got payback on Mr. Mike. Was it justified? What the fuck does it matter, the shit was hilarious. I mean, putting a shit load of cheese in someone's bed that you know won't wash them (EVER) is pretty clever. I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take Mike to realize that it wasn't the broad that smelled like gouda, but the shit he's sleeping on top of. Which reminds me...how is it that Mike didn't know that you could get an STD from someone giving you head? For a guy that has "fucked a lot" of chicks, you would think he would be the expert on the consequences of hooking up with multiple broads.

Fun fact of the day: A woman with a yeast infection could in fact, smell like cheese. That is pretty fucking disgusting. Wow. I really just said that, huh? I guess if you were hungry for something cheesy, it's never a bad thing to ask the chick you're boning. I mean, how often do chicks get yeast build-up between their legs? Once a month? Maybe twice? Ooookkkk...this is awkward...

What's in store for next week folks? Do Sammi and Ronni get back together? Does Vinny stick his dick back into that Fondu Bronzer of a Fountain that is Snooki? Is Deena going to get laid or will she look more and more like a man as each episode passes? America wants drama, comedy and drunken chaos. We are due for something folks. I can fucking feel it.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

No time for the funny bullshit introduction.  Time to review Episode 4 regarding my mother fucking overly tanned peeps from the Jersey Shorrrrrrrrrrreeeee.  

The day after the arrest:
You got a DIP (Drunk In Public) and now you are a changed woman?  Stop bullshitting yourself Fatty Magee, about how this is a wake up call and your life is about to drastically change.  The day you stop drinking, is the day I'll stop having sex.  Ain't gonna happen little lady.  The problem you have is that you drink like alcohol is about to go fucking extinct.  The booze ain't going anywhere, so why drink it like you're running a 40-yard dash for time?  Apparently Miss Snooki is blaming the crazy drinking on some dude.  Yeah, I've heard that one before.  Does this mean you'll be blaming that extra 20 pounds on fame and fortune too?  Control yourself bitch.  You need to get laid ASAP so you can put more cock in your mouth and less cock-tails.  Real talk.      

Doppelganger Ronni:
Hey, when I saw this dude that looked like Ronni, I almost fucking died.  LOL!  I mean, the fucking dude actually looked like he came out of the same vagina Gorilla Ronni did.  A-MAY-ZING!  From the dancing to the whole fucking demeanor, Doppelganger Ronni could have fooled the entire country.  What I was really hoping for was he pull the switch-a-roo and get into Sammi's bed and slip it in real quick.  Knowing that bitch Sammi though, she probably has a big ass shield on that angry vagina.  It's all good Doppelganger, at least you got to suck face with Big Titty Deena and flick her bead.  Thumbs up big guy!

Deena the Wingman:
This bitch annoyed me up until I saw her go out with M.V.P.  Once I saw her inviting other chicks to take shots from her body then make out with her, I gotta say, I was fucking impressed.  Sure the chicks she was making out with looked like they got slapped with the goddamn ugly stick, but the fact that she just turned another woman into a bi-sexual on the spot...how could you not love this whore.  Even better...she didn't hate on M.V.P. once.  Any chick that doesn't hate while going out with the boys is a fucking winner in my book.  Ladies, take notes on that shit.   

Sammi...still a hater:
Sammi, Sammi, Sammi.  I thought I would never say this on my blog.  Let alone on a Jersey Shore review.  But you know what Sammi...you're a fucking CUNT.  Yup, that's right.  You are a big ass cunt that hates on everyone and needs to get either thrown off the balcony or tossed in the ocean.  Soon.  Your roommates hate you.  The nation hates you.  MTV fucking hates you.  My mom who doesn't even know what the Jersey Shore is hates you.  Just leave bitch so we can actually enjoy watching 60 minutes of the show and not 35.   

That Kettle is definitely BLACK:
Just when I was wanting you to beat the shit out of Sammi you go and do this.  You become a typical fucking hypocrite.  Lets not forget - a bitch, slut and fuck face.  You probably don't think it's bad that while your boyfriend's at home you can just talk to a dude you're attracted to.  Girls love to say that shit is ok.  Fuck that.  If that shit was flipped the other way around, all hell would break loose.  JWOWW, if you're unhappy bitch, just break up with your fucking boyfriend.  I don't know about you or anyone else but, "alone time" to me means it's time to break the fuck up and not worry about some mother fucker getting mad at me for talking to anybody.  Trying to have your cake and eat it too is gonna bite you in those big ass titties you got really, really hard.  You talk all this shit to Sammi about Ronni and look at what you're doing.  So what you're not hooking up with that big ass douche bag.  You're on his nuts so bad that you mine as well fuck him.  It's the same shit bitch.   

Pinot's ok, right:
Snooki gets out of the drunk tank, she's a changed women.  Doesn't drink for 2 days, she's blessed by Jesus.  Here comes day 3 of no drinking and all of the sudden she's trying to fucking rationalize with bitch ass JWOWW on boozing again.  "Pinot's ok, right?  Pregnant women drink Pinot, right?"  No bitch.  Pregnant women drink Pinot because before their ass got fucking knocked up, you know what they were doing?  Drinking.  Drinking Pinot, cocktails and shots.  All the shit you do, but on a much lower level.  Add in some fucking sex, and you have yourselves a goddamn party.  This comes back to what I was saying earlier lunch box...boozing ain't bad if you don't drink it like it's going out of fucking style.  Pace yourself so you don't have to run into this problem ever again.  What am I saying...bitch, just drink and whatever happens, happens.  Quit whining like Sammi.     

Yeah he left, AND took the bed: 
You ain't so bad ass now, huh JWOWW?  The guy you like to call ASSHOLE left you along with the two dogs back at the pad.  What's even better, the mother fucker took your favorite watch, hard drive, cash and the best part....THE BED.  The dude took the fucking bed.  That's how much he hates your ass.  I have hated some bitches but not enough to take the goddamn bed with me.  Wow.  Was it worth it?  Was it worth trying to be some bad ass bitch and lead your boyfriend on?  You couldn't just have broken up with him and make a clean break could you?  Hell nah...you had to act like you ran the shit.  Look where it got you.  Broke, watchless, hard driveless and a floor sleeping mother fucker.  That's a damn shame.

Could the drama get better next week?  It's the Jersey Shore...of course it can.