Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Advice Column: Ride or Die, Bitch

I am a 28 year old woman and I don't like to ride while having sex. I started having sex when I was 16 and I actually did most of the work that time and for months afterward. However, since then most of the men I have been with could care less if I rode or not so didn't make me do it. I've gained weight over the past few years and my confidence level has greatly decreased. I feel as if I will be the center of attention if I rode and the thought of my fat in the air is not a pleasant one. Lately I have been asking some of my girlfriends for tips on how to ride, what to do, how to position my body, etc. It isn't really helping though. If I ride I don't want to be just mediocre; I want to feel like I am the best in the world. Until I feel I know what I'm doing I probably won't climb on the pole. My question is "How do I ride?".

Dear Would rather Die than Ride,

I am ride or die all fucking day long, and I mean that in every possible connotation you can imagine. But, I am 99.82415% sure you are referring to the sexy-time way of riding in this romantical query. Go play the lottery tonight, because today is about to be your lucky day. That happens to be one of my favorite ways to get it, so I am going to be all sorts of kind and generous and give you the step by step, "Guide to Ride." I guarantee you will hang on for more than 8 seconds, too. If you don’t, I promise to give you all the money you paid for this advice back. Every single cent. You have my word.

First, it sounds like you have become a lazy lover over the years and have been with some lazy lovers as well, which gives me a case of the sads. If you can’t be bothered to do more than grunt and moan every now and then, while some dude less than enthusiastically humps and pumps on top of you, how can you expect that person to treat you any better than a glorified flesh-light? Baby girl, you got to get back in the saddle. Literally. If you want to have some banging-banging you have got get that loving feeling back. In your vagina.

I get the whole ‘not feeling sexy because you have a gained a few pounds’ and I have been there myself. I am going to let you in on a little secret. Come closer. Closer. Ok, not that close. But here is another pearl of wisdom: If the guy bought you a ticket on the pound-town express, chances are pretty good HE KNOWS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. Unless you have got some sort of Ninja-Spanx on that take you from a 12 to a 2, the dude that is about to give you the business has already seen your 'resume' and he likey what he see.

Now that you are over the first hump of your self esteem, we can get to the actual humping portion of your night.

The warm up

Women are like ovens, we need to be preheated before we can really start cooking. So, to get your juices flowing, you need to get your sexy on. Whether you need a few drinks (don’t get sloppy boo, that’s how accidental butt-seks happens and no one likes a Dolphin - google that shit if you don’t know what I am talking about), some sexy dancing, a roofie, porn, whatever you need to get you going, get on that shit. I suggest a nice (not too heavy) dinner with some serious flirting, eye contact and all that other jazz that leads to a night sexy time so hot that it makes the paint peel off your trailer. Get your mental masturbation on with each other. By the time you get home, you both will be ready to tear each other’s clothes off and devour each other like fondue from the Melting Pot.

Ready, set, BLOW

Not that kind of blow, Whitney Houston, but the kind that all of us like. The oral kind of blow. Let him get dessert between your legs and you do that same for him. But this is not just the sucky-sucky time, this is the time to tease, tantalize and all of the things that make is possible for Sting to have sex for 14 hours with out blowing his load. You are having this great night with this person who you want to bone, and who wants to bone you back, so savor all of it. Don’t rush it, relax and enjoy, because the best is yet to come. That’s what she said!

The final countdown

Now you have that song stuck in your head, too. You are very fucking welcome. Someone did that to me the other day, so I am sharing it with you. But, back to what we are counting down. You have had the mental masturbation, the foreplay and you are ready to zombie-fuck this dude. So let's get down to the business of "the business." Most of the time I start with the classic missionary, because it gives the guy a sense of control and you can establish a rhythm. If you are Quick-Draw- McGraw, like me, you are going to bust at least once with this. Make sure your Sir-Humps-A-Lot knows how to strum your guitar and doesn’t jack hammer pound you like a man just released from prison. If he starts that shit you have my permission to walk the fuck out of there and never look back. With all the videos, books, and actual people to fuck, there is no reason that in 2012 someone is bad at sex. None.

By this time, you have possibly made the O-Face, and you are in a post-O glow. Now, you get ready to ride. Either tell your mandingo that you want to be on top or pull a signature H-Bomb move. Clasp one arm (depending on which one is dominant and what side of the bed you are on) around his neck, use your other arm for leverage, put your legs around his waist and flip that bitch like a pancake. You should be able to do this pretty easily, unless your man gets freaked out by your sudden assertion of sexual authority and turns into dead weight. If he doesn’t freak out, there is an even better chance that or he is going to be so turned on he is not going to know what hit him and will be putty in your hand, or arms and legs, in this case. You are now ready to ride!

C’mon, let’s do it, ride it, that pony 

Hoooray!!! You made it to the top of mountain and look at the view! Clothes strewn everywhere, condom rappers tossed asunder, and if it is my bedroom there is probably a bottle of something on the night stand... Take a second to soak it in, and then prepare to do the damn thing.

Make sure your legs are in a comfortable position, because you are going to be here for a few minutes. I am a fan of knees bent at the side, but I have seen many other variations, depending on the size of the people involved and the flexibility. Let your body be your guide.

Much like sleeping in the spoon position you can sometimes be caught in that awkward situation of where to put your arms. You can go for the classic "goddess" pose of arms above your head, or you can do the tried and true hands on your titties or you can lean forward, put your hands on his chest and work it like that. This is the freestyle portion of the event, where points are given for creativity and artistic interpretation.

Here’s where shit is about to get real. You are all set in your position and you are ready to work the middle. So twerk that thang! Do little hip swivels, go up and down on it, rock back and forth, what ever tickles your fancy. And by fancy, I mean G-Spot. There are several advantages of this position for women. The first is that we get to control the pace and intensity of the ride. Let him be on cruise control for a minute and lay back while you enjoy your self. Go to town on that dick. You fuck it like you are woman just released from prison. I am willing to be he is not going to mind one bit. The other reason why so many women love this position is because you can hit the clit and the G-Spot at one time. If you ride properly, you can have one of the most mind-blowingly intense orgasms, ever. The first time I did this I remember shaking, speaking in tongues and calling out names of people I don’t know and never will meet. This is the kind of orgasm that gives you a foot cramp from all the convulsing your body is going to do.

Now you have H-Bomb’s tried and true ,"Guide to Ride." 

I hope tonight you put on some Barry White, pop a bottle of Alize, throw on some old school Ron Jeremy porn and get your groove on.

If this shit works I expect a thank you card, with pics. If this works and you get pregnant, I expect that kid to have H-Bomb as a middle name. Real talk.

Get it Girl!


Anonymous said...

Chick, don't worry about the weight. I am not a small cracker, but I have no shame about hopping up and riding. You shouldn't either. It took me a while to get here, but it's like when you go black...you never go back.

I like to put my hands back on his legs (behind you). Something to try. Gives you a different angle.

Anonymous said...

Would rather die than ride....

I am not a little girl myself, I like to think of myself as curvy and real men usually like some curves! Light some candles and put on some music, that way you won't feel so worried about how you look, the candle softens the look of your body. Most of all, just relax and enjoy yourself, being on top riding that donkey is the best!!!!

Ultimadragoon89 said...

From a man's perspective,
I don't care how big or fat you think you are, we love you up there.
Ride on.

Anonymous said...

Would rather die than ride,

I like to do it in reverse.... climb on backwards and ride!

Anonymous said...

Like H-Bomb said, turn on your flesh-light! We've come this far... I ain't gonna kick ya out of bed for eatin' crackers!

I just love me some aggressive cowgirl action!


Shin said...

if yer really worried about it, get yerself some nice sexy crotchless (or crotch detachable) pretties! then you have the confidence you need by feeling sexy and partially covered! im all for dressing up and i think it stems from a time where i was about 100 pounds over weight. so try it! it works! and fyi I'm most definitely a ride or die now! and she was all about the real talk by telling you that when you get the big O both clitorally and Gspot!!! BEST ORGASMS EVER!!!!

megan said...

Love it!! Im a plus size chick myself and Im so going to try these tips out tonight!