Friday, June 15, 2012

Advice Column: When to hit it so he don't quit it



So here's the deal. I'm a single mom of one. I own my own house, I have my own car, I have a great job and am university educated. I am 29, blonde and average size. I meet lots of guys, and I always think things are going great, we hit it off, we have some drinks, and then I end up gettin' it in, and NEVER hearing from them again. Is it cause I put out too quickly? Do guys not see relationship material with one night stands? I dton't think I am boreing or annoying, the conversations always keep rolling, I laugh at their jokes, and they laugh at mine. Is it intimidating to date a chick who has her own shit? What am I doing wrong? I don't obsessively text/call, I don't face stalk... ok yea I do, but they don't know that... I'm not asking them to marry me or asking them how many kids we should have and what their names should be, my guy friends tell me I'm a cool chick and I have lots of friends that are girls, I think I'm a likable person... The only thing I can chalk it down to is wanting to get it in. What do ya think?

-Still Single


Dear SS,

It seems like you already answered your own romantical query, but you came to us for answers and answers you shall have.

When to get all aboard the pound town express is an age old dilemma. Once people figured out ‘how’ to have sex they immediately figured out how to fuck with someone’s brain when it comes to ‘when’ to have sex. Too soon? You’s a hoe! Not soon enough? You are as frigid as the iceberg that bested the Titanic, minus the awesome Celine Dion theme song.

It is also a question that in some form or another has been posed to the crew. I actually answered a similar query awhile back (House On Whore Island) where someone wanted to know when it was ok to ride the baloney pony. I think I have made it more than clear that my personal belief is that when two consenting adults want to rock each other’s bodies, they should rock the fuck out of each other’s bodies. Whether you just met, have known each other for years or what the fuck ever your situation is, if you are feeling froggy, hippity-hop, mother fucker.

You, however, are talking about dating, emotions and all the magical shit that comes before or after the sexy-time, depending on so many variables. The thing about variables is that I failed Algebra in high school, so if I tried to make a math joke here I would probably just fuck it up. But, there ARE so many variables when it comes to affairs of the heart, and not just the part of a part that spreads apart. People may call me a hypocrite for what I am about to say, but shut your face-hole before you start polluting my air with stupid and pay attention to the words that are coming off your screen.

Yes, I firmly, whole-heartedly, 153 million percent believe that if you are DTF, get it. Get it from the back, from the front, in an upside-down 69, with someone watching, in a car, in a house, on an air-mattress covered in baby oil, however, wherever and whatever the fuck you like to do to someone(s), do it. Don’t hold back, act like this is the last piece of _____ left on the planet, and it is all yours.

When you wake up in the morning, tuck you panties in your purse and moonwalk the fuck out of there. Don’t leave your number and don’t expect a phone call. Sounds like a shit thing to say and hear out loud, but that is the truth. While I do know several people who fucked on the first date then sent out wedding invitations a few years later and even a few men-friends of mine who said they would totally date a chick who’s back they blew out 5 hours after meeting her, that is not usually the norm. If I knew the answer to why it is like this I would not be sitting here writing advice columns, but rather sitting on my hammock on my boat in Bora Bora and polishing my Nobel Prize in Sociology...and writing advice columns.

You could be the baddest chick in town, who is awesome at being awesome but if you give it up too soon, you are probably not going to be baddest chick in town, with a boyfriend. You seem like someone who is looking for more, and who is doing their part not to perpetuate crazy by being that girl. We all know a girl who is that girl, too. The one that goes on a date with a guy, then goes all fatal attraction on him. The minute she meets the guy she wants to meet his mom, calls 76 times the next day and texts twice as much. She shows up at his house unexpectedly, stalks him on the web, in real life, and is one more act of fuckery away from having a dude file a restraining order against her. Don’t be that girl, and if you are quit that shit.

Since you don’t seem to be that girl, the next time you are out with someone you like a lot and things are going well, DON’T sleep with him. I don’t care if the man tells you he loves to eat pussy and can breathe through his ears. Don’t do it. Go out with him, get to know him better. Only go to very well lit, crowded places. Fuck, go to a play-ground at 3 pm on a Saturday. Whatever you have to do to NOT want to have sex with him, do it.

I know this seems simple in theory, but much like the orgasm you are going to have if you make each other wait, I am building to something here. In this day and age, with society being so go-go-go, a lot of the simpler things have been over looked and one of them is courting someone when you are dating. I will open hand slap the first person who calls me old-fashioned, too, for saying that. But there is something that may be better than the sex you have on the first date. It’s the sex you have on the 5 or 6th date that is going to be mind blowingly good, because of a little thing called anticipation.

Stop looking at your screen, all slack-jawed like I just told you to wait for marriage and that it doesn’t count if you do it in the butt. I am being fucking serious here. Well, not really serious, this Inside the Mind of A Ghetto Genius, for fucks sake, but I am being as serious as I can be when I am trying to tell someone to wait to have sex. I PROMISE you that by the time you two are ready to bone down, it’s going fucking down. I promise you are going to do things that will make a goat throw up. And everyone who reads my advice columns know I back my promises with a guarantee - I, H-Bomb, being on unsound mind and body built for sin, promise that if you both wait until after the first few dates to have sex you are going to literally blow each other away. If you don’t, I promise to come fuck you two fuck-tards until you cum, proper.

Here's the other big secret I have been holding out, until now. The beauty of making each other wait, is that in time you weren’t having sex, you were getting to know someone and building a relationship. If you keep someone wanting more, they are going to keep coming back.

If this advice works, I want an invite to the wedding. Or, if it doesn’t and you meet some guy and bang on the first date and get married, I want an invite as well. I am awesome at weddings.

H-Bomb

16 comments:

L-Train said...

Mind = blown.

H-Bomb said...

I got something you can blow, L. It's not a banana, either.

L.A. Are said...

^^ hahahaha you ladies!

Yeah this column is spot on. Good shit Hope!

Anonymous said...

hahaha well said!! <3 yall!

Anonymous said...

What about the douche bags who say they are okay with waiting, then fuck the chick out of spite and never call again?

Milk Dud said...

I'd like to take this bitch on the pound town express. She sounds like a hot ass cougar to me, and also has a fucking degree?! Shiitttt.

H-Bomb said...

Milk Dud, if you think 29 is a cougar, I am going to cry.

Milk Dud said...

I'm just a young cub looking for a tit. Don't mind me. I allowed the owning her own house and having a kid thing cloud my judgement of her cougar-hood status. What I meant was, she's a fucking MILF slut.

tay said...

I'm dating a girl for 5 months now. Our first time together was during a 3some and we didn't even fuck each other. I think its pretty douchy to ask the girl you like to participate but at the time I only had one thing on the brain.... More pussy. Lol its not about becoming relationship material after a one nighter. I've made many one nighters into steady girlfriends. It's about the asshole you decide to give it up so quickly to thinking sex is Donna get you a man. Do you know pussy is a dime a dozen. I can scroll thru my phone now and call up at least ten bitches that would be here quick, fast and in a hurry to get it in. If you decide to give it up to an asshole Ur goodies is not gonna magically turn him from a douche to an amazing boyfriend. He is still gonna be an asshole. And even more so that he got what he wanted since he passed you in the grocery store. Don't worry about getting a man when Ur trying to get Ur fuck on. Just get Ur fuck on. It's simple. I thinly chicks read too much in to it.

tay said...

Having Ur shit together is not enough to make a nigga stay. Having good pussy is not gonna make a nigga stay either. Jus like bitches look for certain qualities those looking for a Bitch to keep are looking for their own qualities too. And you can have all the degrees in the world and give it up to me a million times but if you do not possess the qualities I search for we ain't gonna be nothing more than fuck buddies. Jus sayin.

Chrystal said...

Totally spot on! Certainly about the stupendous fucking after the anticipation builds, I can vouch for that! And I have done it both ways, Im good either way DTF or wait, just depends on mood and circumstance, but waiting is best to create the mind blowing, earth shattering, o-face of the gods shower inducing climax! Great advice!!

Banana Stickers said...

This is the best-written advice I've ever read on this matter. Seriously. Womenz of all ages need to read and soak this shit in.
On a side note, with all the different kinds of sex: "make-up" sex, "it's a day that ends in y" sex, "oh shit, its 6am" sex, "we have a funeral to go to later" sex, "I'm sorry I accidentally ran over your cat" sex, "reward for waiting" sex? BEST SHIT EVER. Magical, even.

tiff said...

I fuckinggggg love this blog. Best advice. Truth here. I don't get down til after the 6-9 date & what? My phone stays blown up. But I pick & chose...standards. most desperate broads go after ANYTHING now days.haha keep it up!!!!

BipolarBitch said...

That was straight to the point great advice! Good to know that there is other bluntly comical people still out there besides myself. Just discovered this blog today and it's fucking awesome!

Still Single said...

Shit. Thanks. Best advice ever. Taking it to heart.

Still Single said...

Ok, I did it again. But next time, next time i swear Ima hold out for at least the 3rd date.