Friday, June 29, 2012

Why to laugh WITH pants-poopers and not AT them



Compliments of Holdin' Holden

There was a time, back before I birthed my first crotch fruit and decided that sending him off to a snot infested childcare center that I could just barely afford with my measely wages, that I was a workin' girl. No, I'm not talking about the fucking corner - I'm talking about a fucking cubicle in an office with a computer AND a stapler. An office where I never saw any customers, but the management still saw it pertinent for employees to "dress to impress".

I've never been a DRESS girl, but clearly I couldn't go in jeans and a t-shirt, and flip flops were forbidden, so business casual it was. I took pride in how I looked (not that I still don't, but let's face it, I don't have to leave the house if I don't want to so I can wear all the jeans I want. And not MOM jeans, but I digress).

I was young 20's. I was single, and I was ready to mingle; and I had not yet learned the art of self deprecation as an art form...and a hilarious art form at that. Therefore, even the slightest embarrassment was a marr on my stellar record of "young and awesome".

It's not that I was a dainty young thang, but y'know, being single - you're trying to hook a dude - so being horrifically disgusting is sort of frowned upon.

Those of us who are but mere-mortals have all experienced the "urgent poo" at least once in our lifetimes. You know the one i'm talking about - where you are sweating, ass-cheek clenching, rocking back and forth and praying not to shit your pants before you can make it to a bathroom and unleash the forces of hell via your rectum. You let out a HUGE sigh of relief, because - holy fuck - what if you'd shat your pants? What then? It would be an absolute nightmare. A tale never to live down if anyone ever heard about it - so most of us who consider ourselves ladies do not speak of such horrors. At least not to those of the opposite sex who are not related to us. Unless we want them to NOT want to have sex with us - then it's open season.

Then came the time I caught a horrible terrible stomach bug. So horrible that I literally could not stop shitting for weeks. Yes, I said weeks. And after straight up shitting for hours on end turned into a nasty case of the sting ring, I decided it was probably a good time to visit the doctor - who laughed at a 21 year old girl who couldn't stop leaking from her ass. I did not find this amusing. I also did not find it amusing that I was "highly contagious" and not to go to work. Neither did my job. You know, the one that stuck me in a cubicle but made me dress nicely.

One might think I could take Immodium - the shit stopper - and all would be right with the world again. I'd go back to being the young and single 21 year old with decent self esteem and a stupid job in a cubicle, and my pooping would cease other than on the regular occasion. You'd think wrong. It stopped my ass up so hard that I had cramps like I'd be pushing a baby out any second. A poo baby, mind you, but a baby nonetheless.

I finally fell asleep after hours of tossing and turning and what did I wake up to? Poo leakage. That's right, poo leakage! And the dude I was casually dating? Right.fucking.next.to.me. Let me tell you how sexy he found me at that very moment! Fuck my life. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It finally got to the point where I'd been shit-crazy for so long that my job began to threaten me. Yeah, even with the doctor's note. Told me they were considering firing me because I couldn't stop shitting, that sure was nice of them. I informed them that if I came back to work, they'd all be shit-crazy too, and did they really want that? Yeah, I didn't fucking think so. Bitches.

Still, the damn pressure and lack of money due to using up all of my sick days got to me - and I finally decided I had stopped shitting every 5 minutes and could make it to work. The bathroom wasn't far from my desk. I COULD FUCKING DO THIS. So I get dressed in my nice clothes, get into my car, and make my drive to work. Not even halfway through that oh-so familiar feeling overwhelmed me. The one we discussed earlier y'all, only this time, I knew urgent wasn't just urgent, it was an IMMEDIATE kind of thing. I needed a bathroom RIGHT THAT FUCKING SECOND... only...I worked in a not nice area of town and I'll be DAMNED if I was going to hover over one of the gas station holes and release the demons.

No, that was not going to happen. So I held it. But it was not easy. I was cursing, and crying, and rocking - all while trying to drive - and when I finally pulled into the parking lot at work, I swore I saw heaven's pearly gates open up...only...work made the measely low paid employees park in the extended parking lot. Down the road and across the street. Thank you so much, work, I love you.

By the time I did that ass-clenching poo waddle across the street and began making my way down the next, I knew it was too late. I was going to shit my pants. It was no longer something I could control, but I had come to terms with my fate: Pants-shitting. In public. Going in to work.
I felt super fabulous at that moment, and by super fabulous, I meant a sobbing swamp-assed mess.

I rushed into the door and into the nearest bathroom (one floor below mine) and assessed the situation. The level was red. Fucked. Totally fucked. Through the underwear, through the pants - but I knew if I didn't make an appearance at work I was done-for, and although my job was full of bitches and cunts and the pay sucked, it was a job and I needed the job.

So what did I do? I took my jacket, tied it around my waist like I was back in the mother fucking 90's, and did the walk of shame to my supervisor's desk.

Let me tell you how much fun it is to be a 21 year old female and have to explain to your boss that you shit your pants right outside the door and need to go home... NOT FUCKING FUN.
You can tell by someone's eyes when they are judging you, horrified yet laughing at you on the inside - this was one of those moments.

I cried the entire way home and then washed myself with bleach. Ok, not really, but I scrubbed until the top layer of skin was gone.

And THAT, my friends, is why I will not laugh AT people who have the misfortune of shitting themselves in public ever again. Not even my kids, who tend to do it on a more frequent basis than adults of a healthy disposition. Instead, I will laugh WITH them - because they may not be laughing now...but one day, like me, they will.

21 comments:

Greg said...

Fan fucking tastic! This shit, no pun intended, is fucking unreal. But hey, we've all been there before!

Holdin' Holden said...

I hope for this never to happen again! Only took me 7 years to write. Shit.
Thanks for letting me poo on your blog!

Anonymous said...

but (no pun intended harhar) why the hell were u pooping nonstop for so damn long?!

Holdin' Holden said...

Gastroenteritis. The satan of all intestinal viruses.

Anonymous said...

I have totally been there. Driving home one night and I was sick...I KNEW I wouldn't make it, so I pulled over my car on the side of the road. Didn't even get the car into park. I totally tossed my cookies all over me and the steering wheel and then it happened....while doing all of this tossing cookies, I shat my pants. Try walking into your home trying to keep it from all sliding down your pants legs and stepping into your shower fully clothed. (o_o)

Anonymous said...

Poopin myself with laughter!

Anonymous said...

When shitting your pants just think...this is going to make a great story....i have ha ha and it was.

Anonymous said...

Pooping yourself is no fun. I was getting over the flu, thought I was well enough to go out to dinner. On my way home, I felt the need to fart. So being alone, I decided to let it rip. Only...it wasn't a fart, it was a liquid shart! I don't know what was worse, sitting in my mess until I got home or smelling it.

Anonymous said...

been there as well, went out for lunch got food poisioning and on the way home felt my ass starting to hurt,tried to get my key in the main door of my apt and for some fucked up reason sent from god it wouldnt go in and i couldnt hold it any longer and it just started flowing out

Anonymous said...

This is so funny on so many fronts for me. I am sitting here laughing and enjoying it since I just had surgery to fix it so I won't pee when I laugh. Evidently, it worked. Yeah me! (Yes, it was the baby birthing that killed my plumbing.) In addition, I have a GI problem that sometimes forces me to not leave the house for days because of my absolutely paralyzing fear of shitting myself. My doc can't find the right diagnosis or meds, even with extensive testing, so I live with this...so far for almost 20 years. It is like a family joke. We can laugh about it. I thank dog that I can't laugh like you are laughing, however. Better you than me. Thank you so much for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

This is the best blog ever!!!

Anonymous said...

In college my boyfriend ( who is now my husband) and I were coming home from dinner when it hit me. He raced me home speeding through red lights , when we got close I Jumped out of the moving car and thought I had made it when exactly as I shut the bathroom door it all hit the floor.... And the door..... And the wall... I was beside myself.

Anonymous said...

Try shitting yourself in spanx.... Just a little FYI..... Spanx not only holds in all your fat, it will hold in all your shat!

Anonymous said...

Just as I finished reading this my son entered the room, pants in hand and said "mom, I had diarrhea and it came out so fast I pooped in these." no shit!! Life is ironic.

Holdin' Holden said...

I have an e-card about shitting in Spanx. Nightmarish thought!!!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, i have tbe surgery in a week with all the same problems as you with no explanation from drs! Im so not alone!

Anonymous said...

This shit is hilarious. I once shit myself while I was going through a bad breakup/ flu / stomach virus. Not FUN but def funny!! LOL

HaiGay said...

Totally did it right before an Ob appointment just a few weeks ago. I have the shits every single day. I feel your pain.

I Say Hella said...

I just cried... a lot! Thanks for sharing such a hilarious story!

meg pffft said...

Omfg cant stop laughing

Anonymous said...

That actually happened to be, sorta, doctor said it was due to dehydration -___-