Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Tuesday's Rant

I'm no genius.  I cheated my way through college and it helped me get a degree in 5 years.  It also helped me become closer to the Asian community and Calculus Club. I've read three books in my life - Island of the Blue Dolphins, some book on how to make my dick bigger and Forrest Griffin's "Got Fight." My vocabulary starts at the word "fuck" and ends at the word "shit."  I talk too much for my own good.  Hell, sometimes, I want to kick my own ass for being so annoying. Real talk.

Sometimes I wish bad things would happen to assholes that deserve it...like the jackass that cuts you off on the road. Everyone knows that asshole, right? I wish sometimes their tires would blow up and their car would flip and do some crazy Dukes of Hazzard shit. Don't get me wrong, I don't want them to die, I just want them to learn their lesson. Jesus, that was a really rude and fucked up thought on my part, huh? Ok, scratch that whole car accident idea. I hope they catch herpes...the accident that stays with you forever. YESSSSS!!!!

I tend to eat more than I should. I even tend to drink more than I should. I'm not a quitter so I guess that's ok. What can I say, I love me some fucking food and goddamn booze. Let's not forget about the ladies and air conditioning. Two other things I can't live without. Damn straight. Nothing better like having sex in a room that's a steady 68 degrees. No sticky nut sack here bitches.

I can't stand people that constantly talk about how "GREAT and WONDERFUL" their lives are (with no problems, EVER). You know what I call those people? Fake and delusional. Where's the babypowder when I need it, so I can soften my hands good enough to slap the shit out of you silly fucks. I mean seriously. While you sit and brag about everything given to you, I have to sit here in my $19.95 outfit from Target reading about your nonsense. Shoot.Me.Please. If I have to read one more story about you on your uncle's fucking boat while you drank champagne that probably tasted like 2 day old piss, I'm gonna stab an innocent bystander crossing the street. Who the fuck owns a yacht in Kentucky? I'm gonna blame Fakebook for making this shit a goddamn epidemic. Can I get an amen?

Don't get me started on those people who "don't like to date" but end up with 25 fucking cats with their apartment smelling like piss, shit, rotten milk mixed in with a hint of oregano. And if it ain't cats, it's a Playstation, XBOX, PS7383048 and enough lube to last you til 2025. Did it ever occur to you folks that it's not that you don't like dating, rather, you gave up on life? Don't sit there shaking your heads at me mother fuckers. Any time you trade in a guy or gal for some fucking cats or the latest and greatest video game console, just know you gave up on life, love and your vibrator/pussy pocket FOREVER. Congrats on taking up space in your parents basement.

I hate my Droid X. Why out of all the fucking Android models, mine's the only model with a battery lifespan of 5 fucking minutes...with a charger that sucks battery life out of the battery instead of giving the battery goddamn life? It's like blowing your load before seeing the person you're about to bang. Fuck you Droid X cocksuckermotherfuckinghorseshitassfuckdickclown. I would ask for a free upgrade, but Verizon will tell me I have to wait 10 more years. Do those phones that you can buy minutes on, have a camera attached?

What's up with this hipster movement?  What the fuck is a hipster anyway? I thought it was one of two things: 1) Candy, 2) New dance move. You know, like Fun Dip but with delicious flavors of Kool-Aid and Otter Pops OR like the Dougie, but for white people. Looks like my intelligent ass failed at guessing.

A beer sure sounds good right about now. So does sex and a shrimp cocktail. And a round of golf...but instead of playing, I'm just trying to drive the golf cart wasted. Is Sizzler still around? I bet I could get all that shit at Sizzler, by a golf course. Including a very homeless looking woman who's looking to have a good ass time. I'll take what I can get because today, I really just don't give a fuck.


Lbeckner52 said...

so I've been reading a lot of your advice columns lately, some of which are useful other are for pure amusement. but as i am reading them i suddenly have this very strong urge to give my own funny ass remarks and advice. I wonder if i made one of these on Facebook if people would actually ask me shit. the only down side to this is I'm not sure how many people would actually send me shit seeing as how I've got a fan base of about 3 people and 2 of them happen to be my dogs, I swear those little fuckers follow me around like I've got bacon in my pocket!!! not to say i dont have friends on here im just saying i dont think even my husband would put anything on here. my point to all my rambling is that your shit is funny as fuck and even if its just a ranting session about dumb fucks who cut you off and make you almost flip your shit or wondering if sizzler still exists, you make my day that much better when i get 5 minutes to myself, away from cleaning up peas off the wall from my toddler and a puddle of pee from the dog. you may not think it but you inspire me to help other dumb fucks out too. Have a Better Tuesday!!!!!

Stephanie C said...

I think you are my soul mate.

Anonymous said...

You always turn my day down side up lol

Anonymous said...

... "cocksuckermotherfuckinghorseshitassfuckdickclown"!
Soon to be epic; George Carlin... Eat your heart out!


Anonymous said...

Yay I love u j! U make my mornings amazing! I laugh like a mother fucker n try to get everyone to read your blog. Keep it 100!

Chrystal said...

I can happen to give you not only an Amen, but a Sizzler as well! Are you in love now :) haha, always such a pleasure reading everything you put down! Thanks and keep it coming!