Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Advice Column: Be Cool

Dude could I ask you to write an advice column on how to be more sociable because I want to be able to go up to girls without being nervous as fuck. I'm even like that with girls I'm great friends with. Just having a tough time I guess.

If there is one thing I've learned in life it's this:


Doesn't matter if you're on a date, at a job interview, meeting new people or dropping deuce at a chicks house...always remember to BE COOL (Samuel L. Jackson voice).

Nerves get the best of us. Some more than others. Nothing is worse than being THAT person to fuck up an opportunity. What that opportunity is, is whatever opportunity you tried to cease but royally fucked up due to "first boner" awkwardness, so take it for what it is. Just remember...BE COOL.

FACT: You can't teach someone to be someone they're not.

In your case...sociable. HOWEVER, you can teach someone how to take that fucked up quality you currently possess and turn that shit into a plus. In your case, nerves. Check it.

It's apparent something clicks every time you're around chicks. Whether it's newcomers or good friends, you tend to freak the fuck out. Kinda like when you cum for the first time and wonder what the fuck that yogurt looking shit was that shot out of your dick hole, right? Whatever the case may be, you panic and get all fucking weird. This could be for a few reasons...

1) Your dick just wants to unleash from your pants and just start fucking bitches. I like to call this "unleashing the Wangwolf."

2) You have no game...even though you aren't trying to spit game, you have none.

3) You're a virgin.

4) You're a virgin that does not want to be a virgin anymore.

5) Your self-confidence is at an all-time low. Hell, it was never at a high.

Now, I'm almost positive that out of these five things, one of them has to be right. I don't care which one it is, just listen to what I have to say and the rest will come together like two perfectly round butt cheeks hugging a stripper pole.

Chicks like a guy who can act like themselves. Chicks (smart ones) can read through bullshit. Chicks want someone that's real, genuine and at the end of the day, a good guy. Now, that's not to say chicks don't want a bad boy because some do. They also want a guy with a great personality who is funny and can carry on a conversation. This is the part you desperately lack...big time. So how can you fix that? Answer: you can't. Does this mean you're royally fucked? Not necessarily. Peep it...

I've seen guys who don't say shit except smile and have girls swooning. It's like that foreign exchange student who doesn't know a lick of fucking English but pulls more pussy than Ricky Martin (pre-gay stage) by not saying a word, only nodding "yes" and looking like he just shit his pants. How does this happen? It's rather simple. It's called, "working with what you got." Hey, my dick ain't 12 inches but trust me, once I get a chick in the sack, by the next morning, she's gonna think she got fucked by a rhinoceros. See, 6.382 inches really does go a long way. Have confidence even though you have nerves. "Is that even possible, Mr. RINGER?" Of course it is fuck face, why do you think I'm saying it? The key to girls is showing them the real YOU. Sure you are nervous and can't hold a decent conversation. And sure you may look like you are a serial killer because your social skills go as far as talking to the television while playing Call of Duty. But you know what? There is at least one bitch out there that likes that shy, nervous, serial killer-looking guy. That guy is YOU my friend. Can I get an AMEN?

If I told you to get drunk to loosen up, say this and that, talk about such and such, you know what would happen when it was game time? You would do exactly as I say and make an ass out of yourself. Not because you were following my directions, but because bitches will smell your bullshit from eons away, mother fucker. DON'T DO THAT SHIT! You do YOU. In the words of J-Wun...Real talk.

Take your non-sociable having ass up to a girl and don't expect shit. If you got good friends who are female already, then you are doing something right...I mean, the shitty part is that you're more than likely in the friend zone but that's besides the fucking point. Be YOU homeboy and be COOL. The social aspect will come once you break the ice by smiling at Big Tits Magee, trust me. The limited skills you have that probably consists of just breathing and smiling will have to get you somewhere, so use that to your advantage. Smile like a mother fucker, nod like you're into the conversation but not so much that it looks like you're sucking dick and be cool and calm. Conversation will arise if the chick is interested and curious and you're not staring at her like you're about to roofie her fucking drink and about to rape her. So ease up on the serial killer eyes, ok playa?


You do that, you'll be al-fucking-right.

Don't thank me, thank the chick that's about to bang you,



Anonymous said...

Nervousness is extremely easy to spot, and is a huge turn off. This is good advice. I'd also recommend to anyone who gets nervous, is that when you find a girl you want to bone, trick your mind into thinking you don't want to have any type of sexual interaction with the bitch as a result of your conversation with her. Using this technique, it may help you flow a more natural situation. What made Pulp Fiction cool? The dialogue was casual and realistic. Be a casual and realistic mother fucker and not someone obviously just looking to get laid (which ultimately you kinda re).

Anonymous said...

I think it's cute when a guy is nervous around me when he likes me. Not all the time and not like panic attack nervous but someone playing coy and dropping small hints.

Anonymous said...

Funny. ABSOLUTELY COMICAL. Great advise for a guy though. I remember meeting someone who did the same exact thing. All he did was smile and nod (yeah I thought he could have been mentally retarded at first). But, don't let that be the only thing you do. Learn a phrase, and practice it until the wheels fall off. You need to be able to say something!

Someone ask him something else, I need more comedy in my life.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

The secret is to not give a shit. My husband picks up more women now than he ever did while looking. Why? Because he doesn't actually try, he doesn't care. He's just doing his thing, thinking he's having a conversation with whoever is standing next to him, and next thing he knows they want to take him home. LOL. Cracks me up every time he drops the married bomb.

Anonymous said...

6.382 huh? lmao

Darkbeam said...

Why the frakk didn't (this) internet and ITMGG existed back there in the 80's? Could've got more fun....