Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Advice Column: It's So Good, It Makes Me Crazy

Hey J,

I absolutely love your blog and am a faithful reader.  I'm a pretty straight forward kind of girl and I think you hit the nail on the head with everything you say.  A lot of women can't accept how things really are so they try to prove that they are the exception to the rules, so to speak.  I figured, who else to ask for some advice besides the dating guy himself - you.  So here's my situation:

I met this guy through a coworker - he's totally super hot, definitely my type.  We chatted a bit and then I invited him to come out to the bar with me and my friends.  He ended up coming out, had a great time, great conversation and everything - we ended up hooking up.  It was AMAZING.  We kept chatting, but more importantly, hooking up.  Like I mentioned, I'm pretty straight forward and I don't have a problem flat-out telling a guy (or him telling me, for that matter) that this is going to be purely a physical, hook-up type relationship.  That never happened and one night while we were lying in bed after sex he said "Want to go on a date sometime?" And I said "I'd love to."  But both of our schedules are so ass backwards that we are having a difficult time finding a day that we are both available for this date to occur.  Since then, we have hooked up a few more times, but we've also hung out in a social setting. The first few times were with my friends, but this past weekend he invited me over to his place because his roommates were having a Welcome Home party for one of their girlfriends.  So I hung out with him, met his friends and everything (that's a good sign, right?!) and ended up staying the night.  Woke up the next morning and as I was leaving he mentioned he was going to the movies and then out to watch football with his friends.  After some playful football banter (we like rival teams...) he said if I'm in the area I should come by.  So when he got to the bar he sent me a text inviting me out, so I went.  After the game, we went back to his place and I stayed the night again.

Here is where I have my problem - I overthink EVERYTHING. How do I know where this guy stands? I know that when we are together, he is really sweet and we get along great.  When we were with his friends, he wasn't all over me but he didn't ignore me, either.  It was just like I was hanging out with a bunch of guys watching football (which I really enjoy doing, anyway).  There were a few occasions he put his hand on my leg or whatever. When we are together in private, he's very flirty and touchy-feely.  He's a big cuddler (and I must say, he does make a really great big spoon...haha) but I am a very black and white person, so being in this sort of gray area is difficult for me.  I'm not sure if I should address the issue of where we stand (and if so, how?) or if I should just let things play out and see what happens.  I'm not really interested in anybody else, and if I had to guess, I don't think he's seeing anybody else either, but that's not really something I want to assume. But at the same time, I don't want to address this (are we dating? just hooking up? FWB?) and make him feel like I'm trying to rush him into things, either. But the last time I checked, FWBs don't pay parking tickets that girls get for parking in front of their house without a resident permit (totally happened this morning, actually).  How can I handle this without pushing him too hard but also without getting too emotionally invested, either?  That's the last thing I need - to get emotionally invested with this guy just for him to turn around and say he doesn't want a relationship...because I can already feel myself having those emotions towards him (I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel the "L" word coming on, by any means, but I'm definitely interested in pursuing something with this fella.)  I'm not really sure why, but it seems as though most women want to know "Where is this going?" rather than just being able to sit back and enjoy it for what it is. How do I stop doing that?!

Please help!

Wish I Could Turn Off My Brain

Dear Wish I Could Turn Off My Brain,

Overthinking? That shit is a mother fucking understatement. Do me a favor...



You sound like one of them crazy bitches that leave dead rabbits on peoples doorsteps for fuck sake.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that this little thing you have with Pretty Boy Troy isn't just a "thing". No ma'am. You got yourself some possible boyfriend material. Ain't that some shit?!


The rule that every person on this goddamn planet needs to remember:


Never assume shit. You do that, you will fuck yourself 50 shades west of the goddamn Mississippi. Trust me.

Now, based on what you're telling me all signs point to the positive. Dude seems like a cool fucking cat who's into you. How do I know? Well , he's inviting you to places. Letting you stay the night. Asking you out on dates and shit. The kicker? HE ASKED YOU TO HANGOUT WITH HIS PEEPS. That right there is guy code for, "This girl is cool...she'll fit right in with the fellas." NO MAN, voluntarily invites a girl to hang with his buddies unless it means something. Ask any dude out there. Guy time is special. It's a time that Al fucking Bundy would be the President of. And we all know Al Bundy is all about brotherhood. Men wanna do shit that sometimes piss women off. What's that exactly? Simple - act like fucking men - watching sports, eating fried food, drinking anything with an alcohol content of over 3.5%, cussing like sailors and titty watching every woman who is within a bucket of hot wings and beer taps. Real talk.

The fact that this guy has gone through the motions of making a conscience effort tells me he digs you. He digs what you're about and where everything stands. And this is where the million dollar question comes in...


It depends, Sweet Tits. When things go better than expected as they are with you and Dick Jerky Jesse, females start over-analyzing the situation. What does this mean? Does he like me? Are we dating? Are we a couple? Do I love him? Does he love me? Should I have him get me pregnant? Wait, what?

It gets to the point that it eats you alive and you end up fucking shit up by doing the following:

1) Assuming shit.

2) Assuming shit.

3) Assuming shit.

4) Assuming shit.

5) Killing a mother fucker.


7 times out of 10, guys will never bring up "the talk" if things are going well for both him and the girl he's diggin'. And it's not because he's hooking up with another bitch or that he's just using you for sex (ok, that's a 53% lie...he might be doing both...but for the sake of this column, let's say he's not doing either), but because guys just don't want to go there. When men do this, bitches be running wild and get all "Fatal Attraction". Do you want to be that girl that assumes shit to the point you start boiling rabbits? Or do you want to be confident enough to be cool and casually tell the guy, "Hey guy, I like you, your cock and the way you touch my ass. I have fun with you and if I can be honest, I enjoy my time with you. You're a cool guy." Say no more, say no less. Here's why...

The guy will tell you what's up without even batting an eye. When chicks are cool and nonchalant about "where this is going", guys usually respond with something positive and give you the road map to what they think and want to go down. 71% of the time, it's "I'm down for you...ride or die hop on the Pound-Town Express...choo choo mother fucker." Real talk.

This dude is giving you all the signs you need to stay humble, happy and satisfied in Cum Dumb Fairy Land. Stop over thinking, over-anal-yzing (you like how I separated "anal," huh?) and just be you. You change shit up, he will drop you like the hot deuce he dropped this morning in the toilet. Don't worry about him not being all touchy-feely with you around his homeboys. Consider you getting the opportunity to hangout with him and the fellas as his way of saying, "I'm fucking you hard. Right now. In front of everyone. And I fucking dig it, girl."

If he acts all weird and shit, then you can start boiling rabbits. Until then, enjoy the moment, bring up your "concerns" in a cool and calm way and chill the fuck out. If this goes downhill because you thought it was awesome to assume shit, then you deserve to get punted in your vagina.

He's into you, so lighten the fuck up. Trust me.

Now show me your tits,



Darkbeam said...

Right now. Quit whatever the f**ck you're doing and go straight to school advisor, college advisor, national-mental-health board advisor... for that matter the Pope advisor.

You rock, J-Bomb. Can't imagine how many lives you've saved... or completely demolished...


Anonymous said...

OMG! Totally sounds like some shit I told my bff this morning. "Chill the fuck out, enjoy, and take a fucking Xanex. You are completelu over-thinking."

She's having a nap now.

Xoxo, Goldi

Anonymous said...

P.S. She's welcome.

P.P.S. I want to fuck your brain.


Anonymous said...

The fact that he asked you out to hang out with his "fellas" def means that he's into you. Don't rush and don't assume shit, just sit back and enjoy the ride and see where it gets you. Worst case scenario - you can always have "the talk" when/if there's some really "troubling" signs...

Diadina said...

My favorite by far!! Nobody says it better.

KatyKat said...

REAL-FUCKING-TALK, right there J-Wun

Sectorbob said...

"Everything is going great. I'm worried. Should I try to fuck it up?
Every chick ever"

This is the main MAIN difference between men and women. If everything is going great the guy just enjoys and doesn't worry about it.

Anonymous said...

I take offense, Sectorbob. Not all women are like that. Some of us are capable of dating/fucking/relationshiping like men.

Xo, Goldi

Anonymous said...

Maybe he was testing you to find out if you would start whoreing it up with his friends!
You're in the FWB Zone and he was just hangin' or... introducing you to more potential "friends"!
I wouldn't want my GF assuming that she was welcome to hang with me and my boys all the time, if ever. I enjoy that time to get away from her and do those things that often piss women off.

Just sayin'...