Tuesday, October 9, 2012

10 Things You Do AFTER Sex


There are 10 common things that happen after sex. You may have done all 10. Shit, you may have done just 1. H-Bomb and I decided to list those 10 to let you know, you're not alone. We're guilty, you're guilty, we are ALL guilty. So without further fucking adieu, check out, "10 THINGS YOU DO AFTER SEX." Can I get an Amen?

1) Pay - Over the years I have found that if I am not in a committed relationship it is much better to pay someone for sex, than to go troll the bars or bucketoffish.com for a suitable bedmate. Then, when all the humping and pumping is done I can throw a sock full of nickles at them and very loudly call them a cab, or their pimp, or a friend to come and retrieve them from whatever Motel 6 I have called home for the last 3 hours. Also, there is none of that awkward, post-coital, "should I stay or I should go," dance to do. I am not Richard Gere and this is not Pretty Woman and I am not trying to turn a Hoe into a househusband/wife. Ain't nobody got time for that.

2) Facebook - 99.924517% of us keep our phones within arms length, even when we are on the express train to Pound Town. I know I do, so when what ever fuck-du-jour is in the kitchen making me a sammich after our horizontal jam session, I can scroll and troll the Facefuck world and see what the other mouth breathers are doing at 2:30 in the afternoon. Because afternoon sex is thebomb.com. Just like morning and night sex. I know, I know, it's cold and unfeeling that I don't talk or cuddle with the person I am boning, but if I wanted to talk I would call someone I actually liked and not just liked to fuck, and if I wanted to cuddle, I would hold my teddy bear that I got from Build-a-Bear, that is in the corner looking at me with a mix of shame and disgust (mostly disgust). So, I check Facebook in the hopes that someone is doing something more depraved than what I just did with your mom.

3) Watch TV - Most people are tired after sex. Not me, unless we have been fucking for hours and I am nothing but a chalk outline on the bed - I am usually wide awake and hungry, so go make me a sammich. If you are the kind of fuck buddy that I let stay longer than it takes me to dial the phone to call your ride and throw a sock full of nickels at you, then you are going to have to watch some TV with me after sex. And by TV I mean Dawson's Creek reruns.  Why, Dawson's Creek, H-Bomb? Because Dawson's Creek is the motherfucking shit, mother fucker. That's why. Sometimes I watch other things, but unless I am not at home (and I usually take homefield advantage), then I am watching what the fuck I want, when I want.

4) Go back to the party -  Don't shake your head at the computer like you have never snuck off for a quickie. I will open hand slap the first fucktard who gets on their high horse and acts like they ain't never had no public booty. Ba-Leed-Dat. You know you have been out, with whomever you are boning, and looked at them and thought "Damn, I wanna put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit." So, you went to the proverbial fridge and got you some biscuits and got it popping. Literally. Now, you have done the one-leg-up-on the-bathroom-sink-shuffle and you have smoothed your dress, shoved your panties in your purse and it is time to go back to the party, bar, club, daycare, or wherever and act like you didn't just suck a dick or eat a pussy like it was your job and you are picking up a check on Friday. So wipe that grin off your face before you re-enter society.

5) More Sex - Like I even need to 'splain this one. Nothing leads to fucking like.... FUCKING. Nothing makes me want more sex than having several toe-curling, eye-rolling, ass-slapping, booty-clapping orgasms. And yes, I can make the booty clap. And if you can make mine clap, bravo, kemosabe. BRA-VO. Wanna fuck?

6) Eat - If you're a fuck festing fiend like me, then you already know that boning is just like working out...but naked and saying sinful things your mom would slice her wrist over. Doesn't matter if I ate 20 minutes before fucking, after I hit the Pound-Town Express, you bet your sweet candy ass I'm doing one of the following: 1) Making a goddamn sandwich...a big ass one too. I'm talking footlong. 2) Ordering a goddamn pizza. Extra pepperoni, bitches. 3) BBQ'ing...naked. No fucks given here my friend. If we're fucking, we're eating...like Greek God's and shit. Nothing says, "Damn I'm hungry," like a good 'ol sexercise.

7) Sleep - Probably the #1 common answer you'll find amongst people who are down to get down when asked, "What do you do after sex?" is...SLEEPING. As boring as that may sound, there's a reason for it. I can't answer for the majority, but for me, the reason I fall asleep after boning - because I blew a load so hard, not only did I go numb, but I became a paraplegic for 10 minutes. When we get that mind blowing O-FACE, our bodies go into shock. At first it starts with some scratching, drooling and a major case of tourettes. Then it goes into code red - seizures and delta force blood flow throughout the body. Translation - your body just about fucking exploded to the point where your soul peaced the fuck out and you have exerted every ounce of energy you conjured up for 3 days. When this happens, a motherfucker needs sleep because they are weak, limp, dried out and well, tired as a sonofabitch. Now, if you have never experienced any of this and you decide to sleep any way, you're probably just fucking fat and lazy. Get off your ass and go walk on a treadmill. Don't eat fucker.

8) Sneak Away - FACT: Some people want to have sex, just to have sex. This being the case, once we do the deed, we like to part ways and move the fuck on with our lives. However, 6 out of 10 times, that's never the case. Why? Because we sometimes encounter THOSE people. You know...those people who want us to spend the night, cuddle, talk, go out for some chicken, etc. Fuck that shit. When our job is done, we want to escape the "quality time" shenanigans. That's why we do the "sneak away". If you're a master of Cirque du Solsex then you know, the sneak away is the way to go. "Hey, look at that dragon in the sky." Run motherfucker. "I gotta go to the bathroom." Fuck the clothes...leave. There's a Target 3 blocks from you. "I'm gonna grab us something to drink." Take her car keys, drive home and she can call in that shit stolen. You got yours, that's all that matters.

9) Cuddle - 57% of people who just experienced mind blowing sex will admit they like to "cuddle". Why? Because after you've experienced getting your bell rung, vagina jack hammered, penis pounded and a slight case of schizophrenia, you will need something to make you feel "safe" again. Something that makes you feel the job you did, needs to be appreciated. Hence, cuddling. Nothing says, "God, whatever you did, do it again later" then a good fucking cuddle...even if that shit only lasts 3 minutes. Cuddling is sometimes termed "fairy shit" but let's be fucking honest...you want to fuck again, your ass better fucking cuddle, motherfucker. Don't matter if you've never been hugged as a kid, your ass better start hugging and cuddling now. Real talk.

10) Talk About It - It's that conversation that will either go well or go straight down the shitter - "The Conversation". The make out session - AMAZING. The sex - well, it goes two ways:

1) MIND-BLOWING

OR

2) EH

If it's #1, what usually goes down is this - "Damn baby, that shit was the business. The way you went down on me and did that thing with your mouth...shit, then you rode me and bounced like that stripper at that one club. Mmmmm..." "Sweety, the way you fucked me was so goddamn unreal. I saw my soul leave my body and never come back. We fuck good together!!!!!"

If it's #2, this is what I've been told goes down (see what I did there??)..."Sooooo...did you cum?" "Yeah, it was nice." "So you didn't cum then?" "No, I did. Well, I think I did." "Well you either did or you didn't. I thought you liked me?" "I did cum for sure. Did you feel my vagina tighten up?" "That wasn't your vagina. You tightened your butt cheeks then farted." "Did I? Well, it felt like I came."

If for any reason you have a slight inkling #2 went down, don't even say shit and revert to #8. I'm doing you a favor. Trust me.

10 things. All truths. Enjoy it. Memorize it. Share it.

We out bitches!!!


14 comments:

Donnaccia said...

How can you forget having a ciggy?

Heather C said...

LOL I'm dying!!!!!! You guys are hilarious!

Alek Modi said...

#2 in the last - things to do. HAHAHA
the most hilarious conversation written by this blog. hahah thats so screwed up!

Anonymous said...

So the would-be hetero guy in the middle is the one who shaves his legs?!?

Jessie said...

Hahaha you crazy motherfuckers totally nailed it. Love you guys

Dani-girl said...

J-Wunder, yo ass... I'on even know what 2 say. *smdh* Yo ass is CRAY!!! Lmao!

Anonymous said...

I'm always fucking and going. Guys always tell me to call them later and I'm like fuck that shit. Jeese some guys just don't understand all I want is a one night stand. And the guys that want to conversate after are the worst at fucking and I lie a scram. But this was funny as hell.

ashley jones said...

Still can't get over the horizontal jam session. Haha. Love it. Perfect!!!! Lmao.

Nicole Barnett said...

Dawson's Creek? Seriously?

H-Bomb said...

Yes, Dawson's Creek.

Anonymous said...

You can do better - I know you can. To many repeats - like go back to the party and.or sneak off and eating - well, that's just BORING! Unless you are eating downtown. LMAO!

Anonymous said...

#4 is my specialty.....;)

Anonymous said...

hol' up...which one of y'all wrote number 5?? cuz the image of J booty clappin is probably gonna ruin my weekend lol actually if it was J, you should beer bong a bottle of ol' granddad and make a video of you makin it clap tonight!

Anonymous said...

Tourettes.