Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Advice Column: Dick Pics Ain't The Business

Dear J-Wunder,

When I meet guys, whether it is online or in person, they think it is necessary to send me a picture of their junk...

Even when I specifically say no thanks, they still send it... is this an every guy thing to do? Or just them hoping we will return the favor?

No Dick Pics

Dear No Dick Pics,

Seems like someone has been taking something out of Brett Favre's playbook lately, huh?  This is a very interesting question you have presented.  Here are my thoughts...I'll try to be clear and candid as goddamn possible.

I think when guys take a pic of their wang and send it off to women randomly, it gives them this sense of confidence. It makes them say, "Yeah, wait til she opens up my text...her jaws gonna drop when she sees how big my cock saber is. King Dong all up in this bitch."

They do this for numerous reasons:

1) The woman clearly has stated she wants to fuck.

42% of women get to the point when it comes to sex. They don't lolli-gag around and just tickle the balls. No sir...fuck all that. Plain and simple, if they wanna bone, they will TELL you they wanna bone. When this happens, men feel as if they have an open invitation to do a photoshoot of their wang in hopes of whatever the fuck they are hoping to accomplish. Give a man a reason to take a picture of his cock, he will. Sometimes hoes need pictures too.

2) The woman has flirted with the guy in such a way, he thinks she wants to fuck, when really, she's a flirt and doesn't mind talking about cock once in awhile.

Look, as men, we don't think so straight when we hear, "I just LOVE cock...I like to ride the wang...I'm soooo horny...blah, blah, blah" come out of a woman's mouth. At any point in time a female brings up anything sexual, it is a males instinct to automatically think she is not only down to bang, but bang US. Fellas, don't be denying this shit because at the end of the day, we're ALL guilty. Is it sad? All depends if you're the one going home playing a game of "how's my aim" by yourself. Regardless, women are masters of the flirt and what we think is serious talk sometimes, is just playful bullshit by those Jedi-Mind tricking bitches. Well played, twats. Well fucking played.

3) He is desperate, and how can he put his pecker to use if no one gets to see it (stay away from these types of men).

This speaks for itself. These are the creep dogs of creep dogs. As mentioned - STAY AWAY FROM THESE MEN. Sure he may send you a pic of his 10 inch wang, limp, but what about the Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez poster that you spotted in the background? These are the dudes who live in their parents basement, watch black and white movies and masturbate to re-runs of Alf (remember that shit?). Next.

4) He's plain fucking crazy.

Not only is this dude like #3 above but, he's a little bit off his goddamn rocker. Hey, it doesn't take balls to send a picture of your dick to some chick randomly. However, it does take balls to send a pic of your dick if your OWN mouth is on it. Wait, what?

5) He's into porn and other weird shit and really doesn't give two shits what the woman thinks.

See where I'm going with this, Sugar Tits? Basically, if you plant the seed for a man in ANY way, shape or form that you love cock, he will assume things to a point that he will convince himself that you're not only into said cock, but HIS cock. Now, this doesn't apply to all men, just men who are either weird, fucking idiots, retarded, way too confident about their 8 inch wang or delusional fools who for some reason, really are hoping to receive creepy-guy-stalker-check-out-my-dick status. Numbers 3 thru 5 all relate, but #5 brings it altogether. If at any moment you see some inkling of oddness with a guy, do yourself a favor, DON'T GIVE THE MOTHER FUCKER YOUR NUMBER. PLEASE. I get women like to "be nice" but if you want 100 pics of a cock doused in Nutella, baby oil, wearing a cowboy hat, wearing a mustache, etc., check yourself before slipping a dude your digits. Real talk.

Personally, I'm not a fan of the dick pics and shooting them out to women.  Here's why...

1) If they want to bone down, they would just say, "Hey J-Wunder, I want a piece of your Guamaconda. Let's play horizontal Twister." 2) Pictures don't do the dong justice, 3) Taking a pic of your lead pipe is like getting a lap dance from a hot ass stripper. What's the point?  Nothing is going to happen at that very moment (well, I take that back...NEXT), 4) Normal women love to see the wang up close and personal, not via picture text (notice how I said normal women), 5) Teasing is just wrong (again, I am completely lying when I make this statement).

Guys do shit because we're horny, stupid and sometimes fucking crazy. We have two brains and love vagina. Don't be concerned...please use that term loosely. Just think about the five reasons why I think men do it. If you can pinpoint any one of those reasons, then you have your answer to random dick pics.

If this happens to you again and it really bugs you, try this. When you get the pic, respond back with, "OMG, your shit looks soooo delicious...my turn *wink, wink*." Then send him a picture of a big ass  fucking cock. That dude will never send you shit again...even a fucking email. Well, unless he's bi-sexual, wants to secretly kill you and jerks off to Bette Midler in the movie "Beaches" then you're fucked. Good luck!

Oh, and about chicks "returning the favor"? Send me a naked pic and see if I respond. That should help answer your other question. 8====D (this is not an alien smiley face, it's my wang)




Anonymous said...

The thing about dick pics with me is that I can't even deny it being my junk, seeing as how I have a birthmark on my wang...That bitches just seem to LOVE for some odd reason.

Anonymous said...

This is funny azz shit! I HATE Cock Pics. Women are NOT visual. We really aren't. I had to put a disclaimer on my FB wall "for the next fuck that sends a cock pick, it will be my new profile pick and we can all play, Who's cock is this?"

Anonymous said...

thats not a birthmark bro, thats herpes

Anonymous said...

Oh god , I work for att and I swear these fuckers get off on handing me their phone with the wallpaper dick pic.

Unknown said...

Great Article. Keep on writing.

Anonymous said...

As a chick, I AM visual. I enjoy the dick pics...from my man. There is a difference. Great post!

KoolEMac said...

I only send them upon request lol

amanda said...

Listen, sometimes its good to get a dick pic so you know what you could possibly be working with. It saves you from those awkward stares, gasps, turn and run moment when a guy drops his drawers and BAM there is a 3in ugly as fuck dick in your face. GTFO with all that!

Anonymous said...

Dick pics could totally prevent time wasting on first dates.

Anonymous said...

@amanda If it's a "3in ugly as fuck dick in your face" I highly doubt they are going to have the balls or confidence to send that to you. Then again I've seen crazier shit.

Amanda said...

Exactly, if he would have I wouldn't of had to have that horrible encounter!

Anonymous said...

A hacker put a pic on my phone and crashed it. I did not recognize the dick and still am not sure who did it..it's not like I can pull down guys' pants at random to find the culprit. >_<