Friday, November 30, 2012

Costco Whole-y Shit!!!

I'm an ambitious guy today.  I hit up Costco last night after work.  You're all probably saying, "J-Wunder, why the fuck would you go to Costco?!  Especially at 6pm after everyone just got off work?!"  Good question.  Here's my answer -  I have no fucking idea.  I had a list.  A short one.  My mindset was this - Go into Costco, get the shit you need and you'll be out in 15 fucking minutes.  Who the fuck was I kidding?

I head out around 5:45pm.  Entered this lovely place, pulled out my list (which contained the following items: a bottle of booze, wine, King's Hawaiian Bread, ribs for dinner and an appetizer to bring to a party I'm attending), then started my journey.

What.A.Fucking.Goddamn.Shit.Show.Holy.Shit.Mother.Fucking.Fuckety.Fuck.Fuck.Stick. Balls.

If you want to know what hell feels like...go to fucking Costco at 6 fucking pm right after work.  It's pure and utter chaos.  No damn joke.

I would write some long-winded analysis of this trip but I think it would make more sense to write a descriptive list.  It should give you a better idea of what surrounded me from the time I entered this place til the time I left it. 

1) A woman breast feeding a child: What's the big deal you ask? The bitch wasn't wearing one of those hooter hider titty covers. She straight up lifted up her shirt, pulled out her big ass titty and the kid went to town. There's 10,000 people at Costco at you couldn't do this shit at home? You couldn't bring a bottle? Find a blanket to cover that shit up? It's just a titty right?  True, but when you're about to go home and grub on some ribs, the last thing you want to think about is some lady's flabby ass titty, breast feeding a kid that looked like he was fucking 7 years old. That kid was at least 4 feet tall. Ain't no baby that fucking big. STOP THAT SHIT.

2) The family that crowded the whole fucking aisle to sample food: You know exactly who I'm talking about. Why on earth do people bring their goddamn entire family (including grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles and cousins) to Costco? Why?! It makes no fucking sense to me. There's 12 of you and it's bad enough you drove two fucking SUV's to get here. Now you invade the place and are camped out in the middle of the mother fucking aisle, eating up all the delicious fucking samples that I so desperately wanted to try. The whole fucking aisle. Not only that, I can't even get around you clowns. No one can.  I go left, there's your fucking aunt with a piece of bread in her mouth. I go right, I'll run over grandma.  I go straight ahead, I'll get shit thrown at me and get called an asshole from your mom and two brothers.  I can't escape this wall. The worst part is, I saw what was in your cart at check-out and all you mother fuckers bought was toilet paper and some fucking Metamucil. Fuck you guys. That ain't right.

3) The couples debate: Hey you or don't you want the goddamn chicken breasts or not? If you do, take whatever you need and move the fuck on. If not, get the fuck out of my way so I can grab that slab of ribs that is staring me in the fucking face. Don't you bastards have a list? Obviously not since you two lovebirds are debating on if it's a "chicken night" or a "pasta night". How bout we make it a "J-Wunder grabs some baby powder and slaps the shit out of you two in the face night?" How does that fucking sound? You're buying chicken for fucks sake, not a fucking BMW.

4) Good booze vs So-so booze debate: Just what I need, leave a fucking food debate and enter another debate. This time about alcohol. The girlfriend feels that good booze is better. The boyfriend feels that good booze is good until you get wasted. Pretty much after that, who fucking cares if it's good booze, bad booze, or piss. No one is gonna notice. They'll be too busy trying to hold it together. Good call boyfriend. Now get your fucking Costco name brand tequila and get the fuck out of my way. I'm trying to buy me a bottle of something so I can do very bad things and not remember.

5) Four kids riding in the shopping cart while mom wonders why she can't fit items in the cart: Hey bitch, you have four fucking kids in the cart. Why do you think you can't fit that 90 roll of toilet paper in your goddamn cart. And who puts four grown ass kids in a shopping cart? Are they fucking paralyzed? Poor bastards look like a bunch of sardines in a can. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

6) The line that stretches from the cashier to the meat department: My bad for going at 6pm, right at the end of the work day. All I can say is SHIT!!!!

7) The two kids next to me playing countless rounds of rock, paper, sonic boom?: I should slap the shit out of you two little fuckers. Rock, paper, sonic boom?  You can't ruin the game that entertained me during childhood. What the fuck is this sonic boom you speak of? This ain't Street Fighter you little shit and you ain't Guile. Now learn this game the right way or else. Sonic Boom? Get out of here with your Sonic the Hedgehog looking ass.

8) The family with one shopping cart and splits the cart and bill 3 ways: 200 items to separate and you're wondering why I look pissed? You fucking guys couldn't just get three different carts? You had to buy all of Costco then figure out who's buying what? You really fucking serious right now? I've been waiting in this line for over 20 minutes and now I gotta wait another possible hour so you can figure out if Dave is getting the pasta sauce or the goddamn soda? If I only had a gun. Fuck it, I'll just open up my bottle of booze right here. Cheers!

This was my night at Costco.  I left with six items.  I was there for over an hour.  You wanna know what hell feels like? Go to Costco at 6pm, right at the end of the work day.  Sonofabitch.


Anonymous said...

I swear you can write about anything and make this shit hilarious! BRA-VO Mr. Wunder!!! Hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

Aww, don't be hating on jr eating dinner au-natural. They are just tits, whip 'em out and feed the kids already, fuck this social repression shit, breastfeeding is goddamn awesome for kids, do it whenever and wherever, fuck everyone else and their hangups.

Anonymous said...

Ditto to the breast feeding comment, get over it J-wunder. It's just a fucking tit.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know, my laughter was so abrupt, my co workers thought I sneezed. # 5 is too damn funny!

Anonymous said...

This was freaking hilarious, I'd get over the tit too, unless that kid really was 2-7, it is time to.quit.that, NOW! If I do recall, you were getting squirtted with titty milk not too long ago during some screwed up sex in the Tenderloin, I'd take a boobie encounter in a grocery store over that any day Hahaha! But, this was awesome, you make everything hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I'm a supervisor at Costco, this was dead on it made me laugh out loud

Anonymous said...

Holy shit --I never EVER go to BJ's or Costco on the weekend anymore -- too many fucking people go there for breakfast, lunch and dinner and make a job out of eating samples. Wtf.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you should smoke some herb next time. Impatient? Nope, fast case of the fuck-its.

Anonymous said...

I work at the Costco with the most foot traffic in the US. Every day is fucking 6pm with the mother fucking ebt using pieces of shit.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't have said it better. This is why I need a glass of wine & a Xanax to go to Walmart (no Costco here) and only go 3 or 4 times a year because of dire circumstances or curiosity.