Monday, November 26, 2012

The CREW, Booze, Strip Clubs, Poor Decisions and A Bulldozer

It was something no one from The CREW could prepare for. All I knew was that everyone had some idea, but at the end of the day, had no fucking idea...AT ALL. Thanksgiving weekend wasn't just about family and friends getting together, but The CREW meeting face-to-face FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME. EVER.

Me, Flo-Rich, Anonymous, H-Bomb who were part of the present six, joined RoMo, K-Piddy and The Boss (who have been around for days and are still considered part of the posse) for a weekend of pure and utter fuckcitement (new word, you're welcome). The Boss however, she's the broad that kinda manages shit, but during this weekend, she wasn't even trying to manage the fuckery that was about to go down. Could you blame her?

As planned and promised, we got fucking drunk. From beer to vodka to tequila to whiskey to angry, the mission was set and accomplished. Fools were getting faded, Flo-Rich was glued to her fucking phone Facebooking, Twittering and Instagraming so much that Anonymous pulled her ass to the side and said she was two posts away from a goddamn intervention and an old fashioned Bukaki feeding. Yeah, she's on her phone that much. But hey, she's important. Important people do important shit. Whatever.

Night one was nothing more than hanging out at the Horseshoe, a few other joints that I can't even recall and me getting angry because I have no idea. I've come to find out that if I mix whiskey into my little buffet of alcohol intake, I turn into an angry man. For no apparent fucking reason. There was a point in the night where I became so angry I just started yelling at inanimate objects and telling H-Bomb I was going to jackknife her in the tits if she didn't find me an Asian masseuse who specialized in reverse cowgirl riding and sandwich making, simultaneously. That shit all came to a screeching halt after she told me she'd do a drop knee and dick punch me if I didn't stand the fuck down and stop acting like someone who just drank alcohol for the first time. Bitch may be small but she packs a punch like Tyson.


No stories on night one are worth talking about because to be quite honest, we all played the conservative drunk card...well, except me because I just don't give a fuck. Onto night two...

We meet up with K-Piddy and my boy Shapiro at Northstar Bar and start the night off drinking. Right out of the fucking gate it's shots of Fireball, Fernet, some fruity gay shit and every other kind of alcohol you can think of. At one moment of the night I took a step back, looked around and realized someone in this group was going to die or get into some shit. It was probably going to be me. Mother fuckers were ready to get down, to get down. When that shit happens, watch the fuck out.

K-Piddy: "So we're going to a strip club tonight, right?"

Me: "You ask me that question again, I will slap the fuck out of you then piss on your face. Of course we're going."

Flo-Rich: "So J, you know you can't tell me we're going to a strip club and not go, right? Don't think I won't embarrass your ass on Facebook come Monday."

Me: "Does it look like I would tease a woman who likes strips clubs and not go to a fucking strip club? Stop that shit, go Instagram something and keep drinking your tequila."

The rule of the night was simple:

No one goes off on their own tonight. No one dies. 

More drinks are flowing, more shit is being talked to one another and by this time, everyone in The CREW is ready. Ready to do some fucking damage. I've never seen more intense looks in peoples eyes. Looks that say, "I'm ready to do some shit that would make a goat throw up. Real talk." Not gonna lie, I was a little scared. Scared that I had the ability to take this shit Hangover style and not feel bad about IT or anyone who was willing to follow my lead. So we drank even more. The best and worst idea ever planned. 

Shot after shot, drink after drink, I made sure before we went to the strip club we were fucking drunk to the point that if we were gonna do damage, why not do it in style. We close our tabs and head to the Condor Club. This is where it all went downhill. 

I'm not gonna bore you guys to death with all the nit-picky shit, so I'll just get down to the details. 

While standing in line, 4 of my co-workers see me on their way to a bar, stop, stare and say, "At it again huh, J?" That right there should tell all you folks how the fuck I roll. Or not. Who gives a fuck.

The cashier chick was the only woman in that club who made my night. Why you ask? Because of this conversation:

Me: "Yeah, I'm paying for myself and those two big breasted chicks behind me."

Cashier: "Wait, what?"

Me: "Me and those two hot broads behind me. I'm paying for us."

Cashier: "Wait, what?"

Me: "Three people. I'm paying for one male and two fine ass females to look at some strippers."

Cashier: "Wait, what?"

Me: "I know the music is loud up in this bitch but listen...I just want to pay for three fucking people. Are you fucking deaf lady?"

Cashier: "Wait, what?"

It was then and only then that I realized this chick wasn't deaf but was reading my shirt and smiling the whole fucking time because she was digging it. As I look like a complete fucking fool, RoMo and The Boss just shake their heads and tell me to sit the fuck down and have another drink. Well played, cashier lady. Well played. 

From the moment I walked in this joint, it fucking sucked. Actually, it was straight up depressing. You would think for a place that was filled with an even amount of men AND women, wall to wall, that this place was bound to have some bad ass bitches. 


There were two cute girls and that was about it. One chick was about 4 months pregnant and was so fucking awful that Anonymous crumbled up a dollar and threw that shit on the stage like he was skipping fucking rocks on the lake. BTW - that was the only fucking dollar she got for her two song dance. And it wasn't even a dance. It was more like a jiggle and a few tummy rubs like the bitch was starving. Then there was the girl who did nothing more than hip check the pole. Like her body went into a seizure and her ass cheeks wanted to fight something. Around this point, Flo-Rich downloaded Angry Birds on her phone because it wasn't even worth looking at. She even tweeted about the shit. Never mess with Asians when it comes to strip clubs. They love strip clubs. Just not shitty ones.  

Then there was the "pole dancing champion". One would think this was going to be fucking epic, right? Again...WRONG. This chick had mad skills on the pole but other than that, she didn't do shit. When she wasn't climbing the fucking thing like Spider-Man and sliding down that bad boy like a group of firefighters from Ladder 49, she just stood there and checked herself out in the mirror. Trying to  catch her breath and shit. No dancing whatsoever. Maybe a couple of heel clacks but that's about as far as this bitch got. CLICKETY CLACK CLACK! That's it. And she did this for two fucking songs!! Get the fuck outta here with that shit woman! Pole technique - A fucking +. Execution, enthusiasm and dancing ability - GO FUCK YOURSELF. If you thought that was bad, after her "dance", she booed the fucking crowd then gave everyone a thumbs down...literally. Well, except for the one chick by the stage who was rockin' the tightest fucking mullet west of the Mississippi. Bitch had some hefty ass mud flaps and was proud of it. Matter of fact, her White Snake ass smelled like a whole can of Aqua Net but no fucks were to be given by her. NONE. Mad props to you, Rosie O'Donnell. Mad props. 

I could see the disappointment and sadness on everyones faces when I looked around. It was so bad that I started to apologize because I had no idea that the Condor Club was more like a topless bar with women who would more than likely pay their patrons to fuck THEM then the other way around. It got to the point where Anonymous hit up Cat Woman ('memba her?) and bounced the fuck out (story to be told by the man himself). That's how bad it was...that Anonymous would rather go hook up with a chick who smelled like potpourri and mayonnaise then to see strippers not do shit that strippers do. 

H-Bomb drank more and decided the only way to see how bad this place was, was to get a private dance. 10 minutes later, she was kicked the fuck out. Why? I won't go into all the details (I'll let her tell you guys this shit in a column), but from what I was told, she took a roll of nickels and made it hail on Strip Tease Magee. If that wasn't enough, she tried to negotiate the lap dance fee because "Bitch looked broke as fuck and danced around like she had one leg, T-Rex arms and three titties." True story. 

That's how the night was we left, drank a shit ton more then I blacked out. Around 3:30am, I woke up in one of those bulldozer lifts on an empty street by a homeless man. He didn't wake me up because he was trying to help but, apparently I took the fuckers spot where he sleeps at night. When I came to, I checked my phone and all I saw were 6 text messages...all from different people. 

Flo-Rich: "J, see this picture? That's you passed the fuck out inside of a bulldozer thingy. We left you because you told us you were still drinking. Hope you're not dead."

The Boss: "Jesus fucking Christ. Never seen a man eat pizza so fast then tell a whole line of women you are giving oral exams for shots of whiskey. I think that chick you made out with in that bathroom you took a pic in had something. Go get checked please. Oh, hope the cops didn't arrest you for sleeping in that bulldozer. LOL."

K-Piddy: "Sorry I missed you guys. I was upstairs at the Condor. Don't ask how much money I spent. We don't talk about things like that."

H-Bomb: "Pussy."

Anonymous: "Dude, I just got a foot job from Cat Woman. Hey, is it true The CREW found your ass in a bulldozer passed the fuck out? See you back at the hotel if you're not in jail. Drunk fuck."

Mom: "I hope you're not dead, son. I know how you get with your friends. Call me when you get this."

I don't know what happened after the strip club. But apparently it was good enough to take a picture and document. I didn't get arrested, I didn't get in a fight, I didn't fuck a stripper but I did do something that I just remembered...after the homeless guy told me to get the fuck up, he went into a port-a-potty that was near the bulldozer...I got so pissed for him waking me up as I was leaving, I thanked him by drop kicking the port-a-potty while he was in it. Wait, what? 

I'm going to hell but tell me something I don't know. 

Just remember...if you don't stick together, fucked up things will happen. Specifically to you. 


Anonymous said...

OMFG! You gotta be shitting me?! LOL.

hatchet said...

Fuckin epic love it !!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dammit boy . ... if i show you my boobies can i have a tshirt .. wait. Make it two lol

Unknown said...

Roll tide

Anonymous said...

Wooooww! That is a drunken hot mess

Anonymous said...

J-Wunder FTMFW!!!!

Flo-Rich said...

You misquoted my text.

I said: That's you passed the fuck out inside of a bulldozer thingy. We left you because you told us you were still drinking AND BECAUSE I'M SUPER PISSED YOU TOOK ME TO A SHITTY ASS STRIP CLUB. Hope you're not dead.

Alright, well, I guess you got everything right except for one tiny detail....that I will never forget or forgive. Still got mad love for you though, bro.

Anonymous said...

Seriously about pissed myself laughing. I was hoping to forget most of the fuckery this weekend, but alas... I was with a bunch of writers. Shit.
You did forget to mention the stripper that stopped dancing to ask if we were looking for the bathroom while we were searching for K-Piddy.
p.s. If you take me to another bunk ass strip joint, I will put you in a dumpster bucket and hope you wind up dead.


-The Boss

Emil said...

hahahahah right on motherfucker, that was a good read. i'm suprised not a single person was arrested hahahahaha.

KitKat said...

Love it!!! I've got to hang with you one night and do things I'll regret for the rest of my life!

Irked Skirt said...

The picture is perfect!

Eddddica said...

Got em!

Unknown said...

Wait, what?

Jackass said...