Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Advice Column: Poppin' Your Cherry With GUYdance

Hey crew,

I am a big fan (rant on that) and you guys tell the honest truth (rant on that). Okay, I am sure we are all glad to get straight to the point on this. So recently, but not so recently me and my girlfriend broke up after some really stupid issues (wont bother you with that). Before her was a religious crazy person that I dated and got out quick. But for both they were women that believed in abstinence and I didn't care about that at the time because I could wait for the last one. But now both of them are gone and good thing too, but 6 years of my life is gone (I am 25) and I have not had any (cough cough virgin). I am ready to move on from the too nice guy and now I just want to have fun. However I feel like I am joining late on this game and unsure of how to play exactly. I am decent looking (slightly above average to many), but I would simply like to have some advice on getting out there (picking women up how and where, sex, or anything). Please and thank you, I enjoy the hilarious and terrible truth you all give.

Ready to have fun

I was gone for a week to Vegas and was playing catch up on a shit ton of email when I ran into this little gem. Usually when I choose advice questions to answer, I print out about 20 emails then do a random drawing. But this? There was no way in hell I was going to pass this one up on some random fucking drawing. Hell no. You my friend are in desperate need of some Guydance (you like that shit huh?) and I'm here to give it to you.

Grab some paper, a pencil and pay close attention because what I'm about to tell you is going to help you become that guy who has been in hiding for years and is waiting to fuck the world...one vagina and shot of Fireball at a time.

There are rules when it comes to having fun, getting laid, not being a douchebag and being you. The only thing I can do is provide you those rules, however, it's up to you and only you to take advantage of these rules and make them what you want, take them where you want and apply that shit to your arsenal. Let's do this...

Please note: All these rules should and can be applied any place, any time and anywhere females are present. Even at church. Ba-LEED dat!

Rule #1: Don't try too hard

This is the #1 thing that men AND women try to do when...whenever. From being the loudest mother fucker in the goddamn bar, to talking all about YOURSELF, to wearing the most fucked up piece of clothing to make a "fashion statement", 58% of society try too goddamn hard to make an impression. Don't be that mother fucker.

You can try that shit on ditsy bitches who don't know the square root of hair, but don't try that with real women because bottom line, they will be turned off, call you out on your shit and not give you the time of day. Truth.

Be cool. Be yourself. Hell, be that virgin YOU are. To be honest, women would probably appreciate that shit and give you more time out of their day than someone like me. Wait, what? That's a false statement. More like Douchebag Dan who spends more time on his hair than Lindsay Lohan denies loving cocaine. But I digress...

Having a good time starts with being yourself and just going with the flow. If you're shy, be shy. Just don't be a fucking fairy about it. You do that, girls will want to take you shopping and have pillow fights...not because they want to fuck you, but because they think you want to fuck guys. If you do, then hey, more power to you, playa.

Rule #2: Have No Shame In The (Virgin) Game

You're a virgin. That was a decision you made. I'm crying inside as I'm typing this. 25 with no pootie? That's a long time man. You got a lot to learn. The bad news? There really is none. The good news? There is a sea of pussy out there written with your name on it.

One thing you need to realize is that since you're a virgin, there is no point in you trying to act like you've "been there, done that". Talking a big game and underperforming will ruin you. That's why you need to be up front with the ladies if the talk of "sex" or anything sexual comes up. I just hope you've gotten a bj, have jerked off or dry boned. If you haven't...you are in for something special my friend. If you don't know what it feels like to shoot a load that has been marinating for 25 long years, please do me a favor...the first chick you have sex with, tell her to wear a back and neck brace while you're fucking her. Why? Because you're gonna blow a load so goddamn big she is going to have neck and back injuries from the wrath of semen that is going to either unleash in her, or on her. Which reminds me...tell that broad to wear glasses or an eye patch too. Don't want her to go blind. Where was I? Oh yeah...being a virgin.

Admitting you're a virgin (specifically to older women, 30 and above) to the ladies lets them actually appreciate you. Not only that, they know you're not a fucking douche AND you're that guy that they can teach new tricks to. And when I say tricks, I mean fucking. I know a lot of women want a man who already knows what they're doing in the sack but to actually teach a man, especially a virgin, shiiiiittttttt...all bets are off. That's like winning the fucking lottery to some chicks. Have no shame in your game. A game which you don't have...in bed, at least.

Rule #3: Relax

Sounds simple, right? For a lot of people, it is. For you virgin boy...this is tough. Only because this is all new to you and it's going to be an experience you never saw coming...EVER. By your email, it sounds like you want to experience A LOT. That said, you're gonna be a kid in a fucking candy store everywhere you fucking go. You're gonna do too much, say too much, be too fucking much. DON'T DO THAT SHIT. Relax and don't set any expectations. No expectations is the best plan. Trust me. It's like those people who are always looking for Mr. and Mrs. Right but strike the fuck out EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Why? Because they are purposely looking. When they don't look, shit gets real and all of the sudden, they are more popular and wanted then the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape. Relax my friend. Even though this is your first race, remember it's a marathon, not a sprint. There's enough pussy, booze and new friends to go around so don't act all desperate and like a drunk Corky. No one wants to see that shit. It's fucked up and it makes you look bad. Plus, how do you expect to live this new life if you act like a 13 year old girl who just got kissed on the hand by Justin Bieber? Relax.

Rule #4: Eat Pussy

"J, eat pussy?" Yeah bro...eat fucking pussy. Pretty awesome rule, right? Now you, along with everyone else are probably confused by this rule. Don't be. See, you've had two girlfriends, amigo. Both virgins like you. You know how to get ladies and just haven't seen the real light yet. You're on this mission from God to tap that ass, party like a rockstar and unleash the man that has been hanging out in your Macaulay Culkin-like (pre-heroin) body for the last 25 fucking years. Eat pussy. When you meet a fine woman and you hit it off to the point you're back at her pad...Eat pussy. When you're wasted and it's last call and that one drunk chick says, "You're hot, let's go somewhere." Eat pussy. When you're at the bookstore, looking through the sex book aisle and you run into that one sex addict who has a liking to you. Eat pussy. Out for coffee? Eat pussy. Morning jog together? Eat pussy. Sunday night in, under the blankets with that one hoe you met across your hall? Eat pussy.

Eat that shit like it's the last meal on earth. Wanna know what women love and how to make them love you? Eat pussy. Eat it and eat it right. Not like a Chinese buffet or a box of Cracker Jacks, but like ice cream or whipped cream. Hell, lick that shit like a cat drinks milk...except, slow the fuck down and take your time. You're welcome.

Rule #5: Do YOU The Way YOU Want To Do YOU

I could tell you a bunch of shit that has worked for me but hasn't worked for the majority. That's why I provide a blueprint of things and you alter it the way it works for YOU. That's the beauty of my advice. I give advice based on what I know and you do whatever the fuck you want with it. That's why I'm a genius and need a talk show. But this isn't about me. It's about YOU. The virgin. The guy who needs to figure shit out with the above rules I stated AND add a little twist to his gameplan.

There is going to be a time when everything I stated comes together. The question is, will it be enough? If I were a betting man, I'd say it's 50/50. That's why you need to do you the way you want to do you. You may be new to all this but the reality is, you don't need much to get to the top of that mountain. If douchebags can fucking do it, so can your virgin ass. The difference will be what type of woman will land in your lap? The young, drunk, immature bitch? Nope. These chicks don't like virgins because they are too caught up in the YOLO craze. Real talk. How bout the 30 and up professional woman who just wants a good guy? BINGO, mother fucker. BINGO.

Trust me when I say this...don't let go of the nice guy that is YOU. Just let go of the virgin. Do that and you'll be in pussy paradise.

Go in peace, my wisdom I give you.



Anonymous said...

Seriously...you need a goddamn book already. BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Anonymous said...

I gotta apply this to my own life!

Anonymous said...

Lol. This is great. #4 is a must.

“Eat pussy. Out for coffee? Eat pussy. Morning jog together? Eat pussy."

Sissy said...

You tell no lies.

Anonymous said...

Legendary. Hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

#4. PREACH!!
Two necessities for me, as a woman: Be an excellent kisser and a man that absolutely loves, enjoys, and worships eating (my) pussy. That's the best kind of man.

Anonymous said...

#4 preach that shit! You are a mastermind genius!!!

Anonymous said...

#4 eat PUSSY!! never fails but b4 you get there get a lil drunk not obviously drunk. Then you don't over think. Make her laugh a couple times. And she's done. Good as laid. Just EAT PUSSY! LOTS OF PUSSY!!

Virgin Inc. said...

Dayyyym, ihope this stuff gets you somewhere im like almost the same guy!

Anonymous said...

I'm STILL a virgin! I was last time... and I will be the next time too! ;)


Anonymous said...

Fucking priceless!! Thanks pimp for kicking that knowledge.

Anonymous said...

#4...You Fucking win!

Anonymous said...

And that ladies.... Is why I refer to him as j-wunderful when I speak of this page! Well played sir... Well played ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah... Btw I'd like to order a #4 please ;)