Thursday, January 3, 2013

Advice Column: Southern Hospitality

Ghetto Genius, 

I have a date with a guy that I have only met once and I lack experience in the dating game so much that I feel the need for guidelines! I live in the South, everyone is typically friendly and loves to chitchat. I am a good girl, so much so that I do not want to appear to be so sweet and nice that I am not realistically dateable. How can I go about this date, chatting it up and letting someone get to know me, without giving off the goody goody impression? 

Good Girl

Dear Good Girl,

Hold up and back up the mother fucking truck! If you weren't sending an email, would you have sent this on some scented Lisa Frank paper and dotted all of your i's with hearts? Did you really just say, "I am a good girl, so much so that I do not want to appear to be so sweet and nice that I am not realistically dateable. How can I go about this date, chatting it up and letting someone get to know me, without giving off the goody goody impression?" Are you fucking serious right now? Hop back on your unicorn and go back to Care-alot with the rest of the fucking Care Bears.

Look, unless you want to date a goddamn douchebag of an asshole, feel free to act like a complete bitch...better yet, CUNT, and enjoy your time being treated like shit.

Let that soak in for a minute...

I take the word CUNT probably offended you. If it did, you're quite welcome. Now let's talk about your situation now that you're probably upset and don't know why I came at you like that. Shall we?

Men love all types of women. Some bitchy, some needy, some strong/independent and some...good and downright wholesome.

Now, from my experience, I've dated all types of ladies. My least favorite were the needy and bitch made ones. Especially the bitch made ones. Why? Because they think the world owes them something. First of all, no one should owe anyone shit in a relationship without putting in the time, effort and dedication to make shit work. Those who disagree with me are more than likely in an unhappy relationship or fucking single. Real talk.

As for needy bitches...well, that's another story. Needy women exists because mommy and daddy spent too many years putting a silver fucking spoon in their mouth OR they have really low self-esteem and need all the attention they can get. They are a goddamn train wreck waiting to happen. Don't be that girl. Please. Or, if you are that girl, tell me where I can come see you make your heels clack, stripperella.

What you have...what you possess...I think is what every girl should an extent. A goody-goody girl isn't a bad thing. However, it just depends on what this all entails when meeting someone and giving that lasting impression for them to come back for more.

See, a majority of men want a woman who is 1) Strong, 2) Independent, 3) Confident, 4) Funny, 5) Outgoing and 6) All-around good. That's not to say we don't want them to be a little bitchy at times because at the end of the day, we do and we like it. We want a woman who isn't a bitch per se, but can stand on her own two fucking feet and be that bitch when it's NEEDED. That's the difference between a woman who IS a bitch and one who can BE a bitch. Be one if you have to be and the time calls for it. Don't act like one just to be a cunt. Only a few women can get away with being a true ball buster. Most of them wear black latex to work, ya dig?

Oh, and to you ladies who are bitches and are gonna try and come at me all crazy, guess what? I ain't trying to listen to your jibber jabbing of bullshit because plain and simple, I don't do bitches. And no, a woman who is a bitch does not translate to a strong and independent woman. It translates to - I'm a fucking cunt, I demand attention 24/7 and blah, blah, fucking blah. Good thing for y'all, there are men who like your type. Weak men. Congrats on dominating a part of society who have no goals in life. You're welcome. But I digress...

The thing you need to do (and I've said this many times about first dates) is be yourself. Don't be someone you're not. If you don't have a bad bone in your fucking body and are really a wholesome goody-goody girl, don't try to act like a fucking rebel. That's the last fucking thing you want to do. If the subject of sex comes up as impromptu conversation and it's something you're not that experienced in, don't act like you're an expert and say you love sucking cock when the closest thing you've gotten to cock was the one you feed every morning at 5am in your barn. Smart men, and people in general, can read through bullshit. Goody-goody doesn't necessarily mean turn-off. Change in personality doesn't necessarily mean turn-on. Ya feel me?

It seems like you've obviously gotten to a point where this guy knows you to a certain extent. That said, don't change the person who he already kinda knows. Doing that might backfire. Trust me. You pull that Jekyll and Hyde shit, you might get kicked in the throat then peed on. You know why they locked that bitch up in the movie, "Sybil"? Because bitch had 13 personalities. Ain't no one got time for 13 personalities.

Be yourself and remember to look that mother fucker in the eyes. I don't care if you're cross-eyed either...looking a person in their eyes not only tells them you're interested in what they're saying but you're interested. Which reminds me...leave your phone in your purse. Nothing annoys a mother fucker more than someone who pays more attention to their phone than them. You do that, you have basically told your date, "You're boring as fuck. Time to break my high score at Diamond Dash." Next, don't be shy. If you are shy, stop that shit and become unshy. How do you do this? How the fuck would I know? I'm not shy.

Remember, the guy asked you out on a date. That means that something about you in a kitten track suit, talking about how you love to crochet kitten-mittens for your cats (BITCH ARE YOU CATWOMAN?) and play tea-party with all your barbies, did something to him and he wanted to find out more about what it is like to live on the Good Ship Lollipop. So, stop worrying about whether or not you are a goody-goody and start trying to figure out how to show him that you can be a naughty-naughty, behind closed doors.

How you came to the conclusion that being too sweet and nice is somehow not dateable has to be one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever heard. You sound like those dumb bitches who can't stay away from dating assholes but want a good guy, end up dating a good guy, then say it didn't work out because he wasn't an asshole. Shit don't make any fucking sense. Bitches that do that end up on the 10 'o clock news for "accidentally" stabbing their boyfriend in the eye with an ice pick.

YOU DO YOU. If it works out, then let him do you.

That's a win/win situation.

You're welcome,



Anonymous said...

Lmvo ;) pure art <3

Anonymous said...

Thanks! I'm not so goody-goody that I live in Lisa Frank land, nor have I ever owned a kitten track suit haha! It's just that I live by a certain set of morals. I'll continue to do me because so far it's working great! BTW I live by the beach, not a farm! I appreciate the advice and the great laugh!
Good Girl