Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Advice Column: No Mas Tequila




J-Wunder,

I'm lovin THE CREW but you already knew that.. And I need some advice, please! 

I moved away from my city about 6 months ago and quit drinking and smoking. I moved back recently and all of my friends are trippin on the fact that I don't do it anymore! By the way, I used to get throwed.. Like I can't go in to a liquor store or bar in my area and not know every fucking person in and around that bitch, wake up at who-the-fuck-ever's house, just bat shit crazy, throwed! Anyway, I'm not saying it's nothing I'll never do again, but I'm tired of telling my friends that I don't give a fuck what they do but I'm chillin with what I'm doing. I'm only 22 and I'm just trying to enjoy life.. I still have mad crazy love for my friends and never judge or push my shit on them so I don't see why when we go out or chillin with everyone smoking why it's a big deal when I don't do it. 

Love,
The down ass sober bitch

 
 

Dear from Throwed up to Growed up,

Ain’t gettin’ older and wiser a bitch? Especially when it seems no one else around you "get’s it?" Big ups to you for making a decision about your life that works for you and following through with it - especially at 22, when most 22 year olds just want to get fucked up and do fucked up shit (just ask J-Wun when that fucker was 22). 

If someone would have told me or tried to get me to give up drinking, smoking, sniffing, huffing, sucking, fucking or anything else I used to specialize in back in the day, I would have probably poured my drink on them (ok, I would have finished the drink and poured the ice on them) snorted a rail off their ass and then falcon punched them in the mother fucking mug. On a scale of 1- Amy Winehouse, back then, I was Whitney Houston AND Bobby Brown. Ba-leed-DAT! 

Now, at 33, I have my moments of shock and awe with my friends. But not for the things I do, but for the decisions I make. Like last Thursday, for example. A good friend of mine texted me Wednesday and told me she was going to a bar that I used to frequent back in the day and meet up with some people that I knew from around the way, to celebrate her birthday. I replied that I would love to meet up with them, haven’t been to that place in fo-eva, and blah-bity, blah-bity, blah-bity. Then I asked the all important question of, "What time y’all fools meeting up?"

My girl replied with, "9:30."

NINE-THIRTY??? On a weeknight? Awwwwwwwww hell naw, bitch. The only club I am going to at 9:30pm on a Thursday night is Club Bed, DJ Pillow - with a special guest all the way from Europe, MC Quilt. I know what y'all are thinking...this bitch can make anything sound funny. Clever ass broad. You're welcome. 

Let me be real fucking honest for a minute. Yes, I am the baddest bitch on cell block D...on the weekend. 

During the week I work a lot, I got shit to do and I have a responsibilities. I gotta handle my business, if I want to be the baddest bitch in cell block D on the weekend and not the brokest bitch. If I rolled into the law firm where I work smelling like weed, hooker stench and covered in body glitter, I would get a few high-fives from some of my co-workers and a whole lot of side eye from the partners in my firm. 

I made a decision a while back that I wanted to have the finer things in life. So, much like Rick Ross, I realized I was gonna have to "pay tha cost to be the boss." Ask me if I ever regret my decision. If you can’t find me to answer you, it is because I am on one of the 4 or 5 vacations I take a year, or out with my friends, drinking the finest peach schnapps at the most luxurious of titty bars in all of South Florida. And as much as I like to make it hail on the strippers, thanks to some good life choices I can afford to tip them with paper. 

STRIPPERS GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!! 

What is the point of all this meow meow I am laying down for you? Real simple, Sweet Tits. DO YOU. All day, errrrryday. If someone tries to steal your shine, blind that mother fucker with it. Bling, bling bitchy-bitch. 

I am going to go after-school special on your ass now. If someone is really your friend, they will like you for what’s on the inside and not give a shit if you are drinking and smoking on the regular, like Kenny Motherfucking Powers, or if you sit and crochet at the party while all the ‘cool kids’ are getting white-girl wasted. They will be your friend because of who you are not what you do. Yes, we can go hug it out now, bitch. 
 
I know, for the most part we are all about the fuckery and foolery here at Ghetto Genius. But, we are even more about people living their life the way they deem best to live their life. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, get it girl. Your real friends will stick by you and respect you. The other ones? Well, you can tell those mother fuckers to kick rocks. Probably crack rocks. Back to their shitty houses and shitty lives. If someone desperately wants to keep you on their level, it is usually because they know their level is hot garbage, and we all know misery loves company. 

Now class, my final word of advice on this is very simple: Don’t let ANYONE try to play you out, like as if your name was Sega. REAL TALK.

Haters, to the left!

H-Bomb

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Right on!!! I can't even add to this because you blown that topic right out of the water. Handle you shit baby!!

Chrystal said...

I wish I had more thumbs so I could put them all up for this! Great advice, though I expect nothing less from all of you, I am a faithful reader! Keep it coming and always keep it real!

From the hip. said...

Go H-Bomb! very well said! I love that bit by the way, and it is how I try and live my life: as long as you aren't harming someone... well unless you both enjoy it lol.. then that is altogether different

Anonymous said...

ur a bad bitch h-bomb, keepin it real 24/7 365

Anonymous said...

Always the best advice to be found here...first place I come to in the morning before I start my day. You guys rock.

8) said...

Hooker stench... Nuff said!

8)