Thursday, April 4, 2013

Advice Column: Freak In The Sheets

Hi GG and crew,

I have an interesting problem, so as I've become more intune with my sexuality and grown as a woman...The kinkier I get.

I've basically done all the middle line-hardcore things but for some reason I want more from my husband and more often and am open to sexual acts with more people. I've always been open to having 3 somes and will let my husband push as far as he's comfortable. The problem is, I am not 100% sexually satisfied. Don't get me wrong, he's amazing in bed. I orgasm every time and he's no minute man.

But I want more in the respects of heavier S&M.

I've always been attracted to big masculine men, as I'm a smaller woman and love to be dominated. He knows this and I think he's pushed as far as he's comfortable as of right now, even though I ask for him to do more in the moment ('pin me down, pull my hair, smack my ass, bite me') he usually hesitates and on occasion will oblige for a short while.

I just don't know how to say to my husband 'honey, tonight can you tie me up, whip me and then fuck me in the ass oh and after can we have a nice warm shower and you can piss on me?'

See the problem? I'm asking my husband (an absolute sweetheart, with a bit of kink) to become an S&M Dom and allow me to screw other women (with him present) and I really don't know how.

Please help!
-kinky wife

Dear Kinky Wife,

As I was sitting here reading your email this morning, I was starting to get all hot and bothered. The chubby in my pants was turning into a full-on boner. Word after word, line after line, I was thinking, "Damn, this bitch is my kind of bitch. What is this husband thinking?" Not gonna lie, you had me so close to pulling down my pants, logging onto and finding a good vid to watch so I could yank my pole while thinking about doing really freaky things to you. Then I read this...

"I just don't know how to say to my husband 'honey, tonight can you tie me up, whip me and then fuck me in the ass oh and after can we have a nice warm shower and you can piss on me?"

we have a nice warm shower and you can piss on me?

we have a nice warm shower and you can piss on me?


Bitch, you crazy?!

Now, I'm all for kinky shit. Spanking, hair pulling, ass pounding, 69'ing and hell, I'll even throw in a rear naked choke with a side of Dirty Sanchez too,  but pissing on you? Hey, I get there are some really freaky people out there with fetishes, but asking your husband, who made a vow to you on your wedding day, to take a goddamn leak all over you? That mind boggles the fuck out of me. Hey, while you're at it, why don't you ask him to Chili Dog you right after? How does that sound?

See, when you go from zero to a hundred in 3 seconds, shock value sets in. You love sex. He loves sex. Sex is great. But when you have been going through your normal routine of missionary, doggy style and a few side-winder positions for a good period of time, asking someone to choke you til you're blue in the face then asking them to piss on your titties might be a little fucking extreme and have a mother fucker shaking their goddamn head. Threesomes I get. He probably does too. Tons of men are down for that. They are also down for spanking, tying a broad up, wearing gags and shit and maybe, just maybe shoving a butt plug in their ass to make an orgasm, "that much more enjoyable". All those things...not a huge problem.


You gotta realize that the freak in you has to stay a certain extent. I mean, not everyone is the same and reactions could be all over the fucking place, so what you gotta do with your husband is nurture that mother fucker like he's a baby. More than likely, he probably loves this freakish side of you. But understand that what you ask of, he's gonna need some goddamn time to get used to and let that shit marinate for a minute. It's not everyday some cats wife is begging for a threesome while wanted to get pounded in the ass and Candy Caned by the end of it. That is not everyday normal life. No sir. Shit, I wish it was though. There would be no war. Mother fuckers wouldn't become homeless. And more than likely, we'd have a little more love in the goddamn world. But I digress...

With regards to wanting to be pissed on (which by the way, don't even bother bringing that shit up you sick bitch) and all that S&M madness you so desire, man the fuck up and just be upfront with your husband. Relationships are built on communication and trust. And if you trust him to paddle the shit out of you while you're eating out another broad, then you shouldn't have a problem. Neither should he. BUT...and this is a big fucking BUT, pose your request in such a way that he understand that you want to experience things with him that will make you BOTH happy. Sometimes, one person wants something more than the other and you know what happens when REAL TALK doesn't get communicated how it should be? Fools cheat, people get murdered and mother fuckers are left wondering, "What the fuck just happened?" Don't be that broad that is afraid to ask her husband what you want while doing it tactfully and genuinely. Not really sure how you can ask your husband that you want him to be an S&M dom genuinely but, fuck it, there's a first time for everything, right?

The good news is, he's been a good sport and has been getting his feet wet with you. Now, let's see how much farther he will push that envelope. I'm not saying that I see him pissing in your mouth is something to look forward to in the future...just don't even bring that shit up. If you do, dude might punch you in the face then drop deuce on the back of your neck. Then again, you might like that. For the love of Jesus the gardener, please don't bring up him pissing on you. I'd rather dip my dick in shards of glass and pound you with it in the ass, than go golden shower on you. I'm just sayin'. That's just my take.

Grow a sack, ask him nicely of your needs and more than likely, he'll oblige for a longer period of time and just might surprise you. And if you're still not 100% satisfied, maybe it might be time to pony the fuck up and ride off into the sunset and just do porn. There's a lot of mother fuckers in the porn industry that will do shit that will make a fucking goat throw up. Trust me.




Anonymous said...

LOVE this blog!!! Tears.

OnTheRoadToRuin said...

Holy mother of God. I'm all for kink, all for domination. But pissing? That's not domination or humiliation, that's just...*gags* I guess, to each their own? Love the blog! <3

Anonymous said...

OMFG! The response says it all. Hahahaha!

Anonymous said...


Darkbeam said...

How can you keep it up - the "real shit" hilarious answers - to each and every consultation... I almost fell down my chair twice reading your socratic dialectics...

"And if you're still not 100% satisfied, maybe it might be time to pony the fuck up and ride off into the sunset and just do porn."

Fucking genius !!!!!

Anonymous said...

Being married to the person u love, usually, should open every road to happiness u could ever imagine... however, as a man, it just might be a little difficult to piss on or take a shit on the woman that u "love and want to spend the rest of ur life with"... do yourself a favor and create an s&m identity. Give yourselves different names that u can use only during ur s&m acts so that afterwards u can still be husband and wife. A lot of people have problems with the "rough stuff" only because they are in love with each other and dont like seeing them in pain, no matter how pleasureable it may be. Its easier to piss on somebody when ur heart isn't in it...

U can take the girl out the ghetto, but.... u all know the rest... get ur freak on!!!

Anonymous said...

tell Her to try this

Anonymous said...

Not that I ever have been or ever will be into watersports but I hope this broad knows that is something done with clear "clean" beer or wine pee not yellow mf has not been drinking enough water the last couplea days urine. You are "supposed" to "prepare" for that kind of kink according to some other advice columnist/bloggers who deal with similar topics as you do J Wunder! Ghetto Genius always makes my day a little better!!