Monday, April 22, 2013

The Angry Co-Worker

You've seen 'em.  I've seen 'em. We do or we have worked with 'em. The angry, angry co-worker.

I've had a shit ton of jobs. And, at all those jobs, I've had the awesome fucking luxury of working with some angry ass mother fuckers. I've asked myself, "Self, why the fuck do they look so goddamn angry all the time?" Or, "Why are these sons of bitches so fucking negative and pissed every fucking day?"

After a few hours of contemplating and brainstorming, I came up with a few reasons as to WHY the co-workers we work with, are so fucking angry all the time.

1) They're overachievers.

Work IS their life. They are the first ones to arrive at the office and the last ones to leave. They send out emails at 2am, as if you're gonna be awake and respond to them immediately. They don't sleep and live off cigarettes and fucking 20 cups of coffee daily. I guess my ass would be bitter too if I did this shit, day after day, after day.

2) They have no LOVE life.  

They bitch and complain about men and women all the fucking time. They whine, cry, bitch, fucking moan about how they are always fucking alone and that they can never find their type. Maybe because "angry" isn't a fucking "type" anyone is attracted to, you stupid fucks. They hate Valentines day, anything to do with romance and nice people. Basically, they are born again virgins. You're probably asking, "How is that possible J-Wunder?" Simple. They use to fuck a lot when they were in high school and college. These people were actually F-U-N back then. Now, being older, bitter, cold and straight up assholes and bitches, that swagger they use to have has been lost...for I don't know, 10 fucking years or so. "So how is that being a born again virgin?"  Let me see you not fuck somebody for 10 years or so and tell me if you're not a virgin again.

3) They live with cats.

I don't know what's worse. An arrogant fucking overachiever, an angry no love-life having born-again virgin, or someone that lives with cats. And I'm not just talking about one cat. Helllll naaaaah. I'm talking about people that live with 5-10 fucking cats. "How does that make them angry?" Glad you fuckers asked. Imagine if all you did was work all day and come home to a bunch of goddamn cats that ate, slept and shit in your house...EVERYDAY. Your clothes are constantly covered in fur, your home smells like shit and the Oakland Zoo, and you talk to these felines like they are actually fucking people.  I seriously don't know what came first, the cats or the fucking anger. I swear I would be the angriest mother fucker on the planet and would probably try to cut my wrist then jump off of a goddamn building. Just sayin'.

4) They live at home with mom and dad.

It's cool if you live with your folks to get back on your feet. It's cool if you're trying to save for a house.  But what's NOT cool is if you're between the ages of 24 and Almost Dead and are bumming off your parents for no apparent reason. You have a job, you could live in your own place but you choose not to...lazy piece of shit. You would rather hear your mom and dad fucking 3 times a week, 52 weeks a year, than get your own life. Your mom still picks out your clothes, makes your lunch and packs your favorite drink in that thermos you carried around in Junior High. You can't bring a date home to play horizontal tango because your parents bedroom is next to yours and the dog sleeps in the other room.  With that shit being said, wouldn't you be angry every time your ass set foot in the office?

5) Their boss rides them harder than a cheap whore.  

This sucks and I think anyone in their right mind would be angry as well. Lucky for us, we know how to do our jobs while dip shit over there has no fucking clue what they are doing. They'll never get fired because some relative got them the position, but at the same time, their supervisor micro-manages the fuck out them because they know they won't and can't quit. I mean, how can you when you are dumb as shit, making decent pay and are the only person that knows how to put water in the water cooler, right?

6) They work with a bunch of fucking dumb-asses.

Again, I feel for them, but only a little bit. I mean, if the people around you are such fucking idiots, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And stop making the smart, hard-workers around you so miserable by your bad attitudes and "I'm going to kill someone" stares. The negative energy doesn't help a goddamn thing except creating more negativity (ok, you get my point). Go get a drink, smoke a cigarette and do some brainstorming. Either learn how to deal with them, or get them fired. It's easy. Ultimately, you need to understand that you're worse than the least they're there for the rest of us to laugh at them behind their backs.

Six possibilities on why your co-workers are angry. It has you thinking, right? You probably do agree.  If you do, ask those fuckers if one of these six are the reasons they are so pissed off everyday. If they deny it, tell them they are liars and slap the shit out of them. They could be telling you the truth but slapping the shit out of someone is always fun. And it's therapeutic.


Anonymous said...

Nail on the head! LOL.

Anonymous said...

I have 3 cats, a puppy and a 7 year old daughter, but I feel like the cat lady, only happy not angry. This just validated that I am not "a cat lady". Yessss.

Anonymous said...

If u feel like u needed "validation" that ur not a crazy cat lady, I think its safe to say that u are. Sorry.