Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Top Things You Can Never UNSEE!!!

1) Mom & Dad Having Sex

Whether you were 7 years old at the time or 27 today, the one thing we never want to experience is walking in on good ‘ol mom and dad fucking each others brains out. Or as I like to call it, “cleaning the carpets”. Is this bringing back some memories or what?

Hey, I get EVERYONE has sex. But to walk in on your pops fucking your mom doggy style while she’s reciting the “Hail Mary”, isn’t what I’d like to call sexy, let alone a goddamn turn-on. This is in no way, shape or form something I want to keep locked in my spank bank for eternity. Fuck that and fuck no.

The reality is, any time any one of us have walked in on someone having sex, the initial thing to do is leave immediately. How-the-fuck-ever, when we walk in on our parents…you know, the two people that created your ass…for some goddamn reason, the majority of society doesn’t immediately turn or walk away. Oh no, people. You know what a majority of society does in this fucked up situation? They catch their parents humping and watch. As if this shit was the worst train wreck they have ever witnessed but at no point choose to look away. It’s the one point in life that you wish was never frozen in time. You would think seeing your wife or husband was a "frozen in time" moment. No sir. Mom going reverse cowgirl on dad steals that moment. Straight up.

You know what’s funny? For those of you that have never experienced this, you’re visioning it right now, aren’t you? That shit ain’t right.

2) Elephantitis

I have seen some things in my life. Some breathtaking. Some head scratching. Some so fucking bad that I threw up all fucking day because I just couldn’t get that picture out of my head. Seeing someone with Elephantitis took me to a place that not only put me in “fight or flight” mode, but has scarred me bad enough to never like KFC ever again.

To watch a man who stands a mere 5 foot 7 inches with a nut sack the size of a yoga ball, walk, not only shocked the living shit out of me, but made me rethink all the bad shit I’ve done in life and pray to God that one day, he doesn’t curse me with a nut sack of that magnitude.

People, I witnessed a man walk slower than a snail to KFC with a scrotum (just one big ass ball), that probably weighed 60 pounds. Do you know what that looks like? It’s fucked up and mind-blowing, that’s what that looks like.

In my lifetime, I’ve seen bad accidents, people being shot and hell, I’ve seen a donkey show in TJ, but to see an actual human being two feet in front of me with Elephantitis was some shit that I would never wish on my own worst enemy. And for something of this caliber to make one man not want to eat some goddamn fried chicken anymore, this shit is serious stuff. Real talk.

3) Asian Puke porn

I have a pretty high tolerance for nasty shit. I’ve seen bitches puke at parties and 90 seconds later, go make out with some dude. In high school, I saw a guy actually barf right in a girl’s mouth. You’ve never seen a roomful of wasted 16 year olds clear so fast. When the internet first invaded my life, someone emailed me a video and said, “Watch this shit.  It is TOO funny.” The setting was 2 Asian chicks. Both naked. One in a bathtub, one not.  The one not in the bathtub pukes, and they both start eating it. They’re over there making the “nom nom nom” noises while eating regurgitated Asian food (which, by the way, doesn’t look much different than when it went in). When one of them picked out what appeared to be a large piece of meat and ate it, again with the “nom nom nom” noises, I almost added my puke to the fucking tub. I am gagging on my own spit just thinking about that it. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Fuck.

4) The 1st Dog You Ran Over

This is the shit J-Wunder makes me write about to challenge myself. “Hey, L, think about the saddest thing ever, make it funny, and write that shit down.” Also, the FIRST dog, J? How many fucking dogs have you squished with your 1992 Toyota Tercel, Guamaica? I, myself, have never run over a dog (for fuck’s sake), but I ran over a whole goddamn litter of teeny little black kittens. These little fucks were so fucking tiny and cute and fuzzy and I turned them into road pizza. Right in front of The Goddamn Animal Shelter. Why the FUCK were they running around outside The Goddamn Animal Shelter in the middle of the goddamn night?   I jump out and run to the front of my car, and…there it is. 3 of those little sons-a-bitches just silent and still. And one uninjured, all alone, sitting there howling its adorable fucking head off. You have never, EVER, seen a bitch trip like I did when that happened.  Flashers on, screaming at the homeless people under the bridge to HELP THESE FUCKING KITTENS!!!, when one of them yells out, “Maybe you shouldn’t have run them over. Then they’d still be alive.” Remember a long time ago when I said I hate people? Yeah, well I didn’t know how much I hated that guy until he walked over to me and said, “Aw.  This one’s cute.  I’ll take it.” He picked up a dead kitten and walked away. What the fuck just happened?

5) Homeless 69

I am not a big fan of the "69" as it is, so throw some skeezy bums into it and I am out like a fat chick in dodge-ball. For the record, I am short and I prefer my male playmates to be bigger than me, so there is always an awkward size difference thing going on. Try to imagine a midget, upside-down, trying to climb down a tree and now you know what a 69 with me looks like. Also, if the guy I am fooling around with is doing it right, I can’t be all focused on trying to get him to cum, too. Ain’t nobody got time to multi-task during sex.

Back to the skeezy homeless people 69'ing. Think about this: on a good day, sex is and of itself, messy, just the way is should be. Now, think about this: if some chick is homeless, when do you think she last shaved her pa-dussy? Exactly. I just threw up, too. Not to mention, I am sure there is nary a bar of soap between these two human petri dishes, so between the Sascrotch, the rank stench of street life and what I could only imagine a homeless persons taint to smell like, the image of them 69'ing under the I-95 overpass is one that will haunt me forever. If someone out there loves me, please send me some brain bleach. Better yet, just fucking club me to the back of the skull so I can forget everything, including this.

6) Your Sibling/Relative/Friend Masturbating

We all know I love sex. I love fucking, sucking, licking and all the things that go with it. However, when most people want to talk to me about the depraved things they do to the town mule, I really don’t want to fucking hear about it. Not because I have a prudish bone in my body, but because I don’t ever want to imagine this person that I talk to on the regular getting filled out like an application and stuffed like a pair of Chinese-fucking-finger-cuffs.

I also NEVER want to hear about them masturbating and I especially don’t want to see it. I grew up with 2 brothers, so I know that jerking off is a way of life, especially for the young and horny men of this world. I also know that no one loves you like you, so pulling on your pud is perfectly ok with me, as long as you do it in the privacy of your own space, with your door closed.

Picture this: California, 2003. H-Bomb walks into her apartment, a little early from work. She finds her roommate on the couch watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Covered in a blanket. Looking 50 Shades of Guilty. I just went into my room to get out of my work clothes and go about my business. And then, I see him. My 25 year old, devoutly Christian, Celine Dion loving, VIRGIN roommate was jerkin’ his gherkin to a little Sarah Michelle Gellar. ON OUR COUCH. The one I laid my golden locks on when I was watching Dawson’s Creek. The one I may or may not have had some sex on a few times, myself. Yeah, so what I am fucking hypocrite. But at least I didn’t get caught...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Such a bad idea reading this while eating... I didn't know #3 is gonna be a surprise. Almost yachh, i just stop reading half

Anonymous said...

There's a format to this shit motherfucker. Top 10!!! You had me looking for where 7,8,9,10 was for like 10 minutes!!