Tuesday, May 14, 2013

One Night In Outer Space

It was another Saturday night. Myself and J-Wun at the bar, doing what we do best - getting faded and X fucking rated. Our fearless leader gets the good 'ol midnight booty-call (he really got this shit around 9:15pm, so let's not get it twisted)  and leaves to ride the Pound Town Express. The only words he leaves me with before he bones out is, "Bro, for the love of all things holy, stay out of trouble and avoid the crazy bitches, tonight. I don't want some goddamn text saying you're in jail, naked in an alley or on my doorstep covered in puke holding your kidneys."

I don't know what it is about this guy, but every single time he gives me final words, something ALWAYS HAPPENS. 


Thanks, asshole. 

She was sitting two seats away from me. A hot blonde with a nice ass and petite enough to look like a goddamn action figure. 

Knowing my wingman left for the night and this chick was hanging with 5 of her fattest and probably ugliest friends, my game had to be on point. Not because my game is awful, but the 5 friends she was with were all gate keepers and more importantly, HATERS. And for some of you fellas that don't know...if you want to know what it feels like to look like scum of the earth, hit on a chick who hangs out with ugly people. Those hating ass broads will call you every awful thing in the book AND give 100 reasons why their hot friend shouldn't talk, look or go home with you. Cock blocking at its very best! But I digress...

I use the oldest trick in the book and buy Tits Magee a drink and her 5 chubby friends a drink and some appetizers. If there is one way to a chubby broads heart, let alone 5 of these mammoths, it's fucking food. LOTS OF IT!!!

We begin conversation and things begin to go right where I want them. And just so I don't bore you guys with the bullshit, I feed the herd another round of apps and drinks and me and this gal cruise back to her pad.

From the car ride all the way to her apartment, we end up groping one another and making out like nobody's business. By the time we get out of her car, I am probably sporting a wood so damn big and hard that if you were to take a piece of wood and swing that shit at my junk, it would break that fucker in half. It was like the ultimate Voltron of boners.

She opens the door and shit is about to get R-E-A-L.

Clothes scattered all over the place, we finally get naked and without even cueing her, there's this broad sucking my schlong like that shit is the last popsicle left on the planet. Atta girl!

About 5 minutes in, I can't take it anymore, tell her to hop her little ass on the bed, with her booty near the edge so I can stand up while I'm pounding her like I'm tenderizing meat. She puts her legs on my shoulders, I take my Megatron battle axe of a cock and slowly insert it in...you know, because for a petite broad like this, that shit might be a little overwhelming. Then it happened...

People, what I'm about to tell you not only made me feel like a 12 year old boy with a very small penis, but confused, lost, and more mother fucking confused. Side note: I do not have a small penis. My shit is at least 6 inches in length and a 12 ounce Bud Light bottle in girth. Wait, is that a small penis?

As I inserted my penis inside of her very wet vagina, I began to do the normal fucking motion but the thing was, I couldn't really feel anything. It was almost as if I was standing in a hallway, naked, fucking the air while people were spraying me with a fucking garden hose...laughing hysterically.

Can a bitch be this loose? For a woman of her stature, how was this scientifically possible? Has she heard of fucking kegels for fuck sake? Wait...did she have a baby? Like a big ass mother fucking baby?! That said, this happened while I was fucking her:

Me: *pretending to breathe all heavy* "You have any kids? Like big ones that were born as big as your adult self?"

Chick: "Are you serious right now? Uh, noooooo. O-EM-GEEEEE. I really like, can't like, believe like, you're like, asking me that while we're like, having sex. O-EM-GEEEE."

Yeah, this was the kind of broad I was banging. One who talked like this and had a goddamn brain of a rock. Don't judge. I've been on a little dry streak as of late. Need a little physical therapy of the cock to get back into the big leagues again. Anyway, like I was saying, this was the conversation that went down and continued...

Me: *still pumping away at the black hole* "I know it's weird but seriously, you have no kids?"

Chick: "Why are you like, seriously like, asking me this? And no, I don't have, like, any kids. Just nieces and nephews."

Me: "Well, did you give birth to any of them?"

Chick: "O-EM-GEEE. Are you gonna fuck me or what?"

Me: "Ok, ok. Sorry. Close your eyes and get ready to feel my shit pound you good."

This shit was possibly the worst feeling that I couldn't even feel. Talk about throwing a hot dog in a hallway. It was like throwing a hot dog into outer fucking space during hurricane season. She wasn't moaning or anything. It was like her pussy was saying, "Yo dawg, you either need to throw some dick growth on your cock or fuck me with a bat. The choice is yours little big dong." Talk about a total goddamn mind fuck. The harder I was fucking her, still nothing. No emotion or signs of life. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

So I did what any other man would do in this situation - I changed up positions and guess what? Still felt like I was fucking the air with a chick as a stand-in. WTF is going on and will my boner last another minute longer? Knowing what my cock was going through emotionally, I went for the desperation move and did what any man would also do while a girl was in the doggy style position - I went for her cinnamon ring, and put that shit right in there. BULLSEYE!!!!

Waiting for a surprised reaction followed by a right hook to the face, all I got was, "If you're gonna put it in my butt, go slow. I'm tight and it's been awhile. God, your cock is HUGE."

Really, bitch?

Moral of the story: In life, you will always be met with two options. Sometimes option B is the way to go, even if option A is supposed to be 100% foolproof. Oh, and if you need to distract the ugly and big boned friends of the hot girl you're trying to get at, feed them...you will win them over in seconds.


Anonymous said...

Jesus fucking Christ! WOW! LMFAO! Tears streaming down my face.

Love you guys! Always bringing the comedy.

Anonymous said...

Dead. Damn, that was hilarious!

Anonymous said...

LMMFAO!!!!! Crying.

Anonymous said...

*Still pumping away at the black hole* Hahahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

As I woman,, I really don't wanna make you cry any further but I'm going to enlighten you. Those weren't just cock blockers. If her shit is that loose with no kids...those were her fisting buddies. Real talk. If you don't believe me, ask your fearless leader. He will most certainly concur. Now go down a shot. I think you need it right now.

Anonymous said...

haha, i recently fucked my petite coworker, which is fucked up because i have a girlfriend. but she was that hot, to risk losing a keeper. you best described what it felt like! naked in a hallway humping the air while being sprayed with water. but the thing that confused me was that i could not feel anything, but she was making faces like she was in bliss, which probably made me angrier.