Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Advice Column: CRAZY Doesn't Even Begin To Describe You



JW,

I need help/advice/counseling, you name it.  You know how the saying goes, "All men cheat"????
Well that has been shoved so far down my throat that I really think all men fucken cheat.  Even if there is no signs, I still think it and it's ruining my marriage. I will admit, I do have daddy issues and a whole bunch of others as well.  I'm not bipolar or have never been diagnosed with any disorder (yet).  I mean, I'd like to think I'm fairly normal besides my trust issues.  I see cheating and womanizing perverts everywhere these days...on TV, websites, friends husbands, blah blah. So because I see this, I refuse to think I'm lucky enough to have a good husband.

I have complete access to his cell phone bill that I check ALL the time. I know every text and phone call he makes and out of the 8 years that I've been with him, I have never once found anything I shouldn't have. We share bank accounts so there ain't shit going on there.  I'm the bill payer and I handle all funds going in and out and again, nothing shady EVER. My husband doesn't come home late, he rarely ever goes out, has like 2 guy friends and they are married and pretty much grown up like him and the most they do is go on a fishing trip.  Which I'll get anxiety over and think he's really not "fishing".  I make up these unrealistic scenarios in my head of things he is supposedly doing. And when I do I accuse him of it and I call him a pervert and a nasty molester and this and that. I feel like shit after cause what proof do I have other than my uncontrollable thoughts? He takes care of our kids so great and no complaints there either. He's a huge family man. I know he watches porn, I've seen him do it, and surprisingly, I don't mind at all. As long as he doesn't hide it I couldn't care less.  I watch it as well and I think its completely healthy to masturbate and get off on people that are aboard the pound town express. I'm so on his shit that I think, even if the poor guy wanted to cheat he couldn't because I'd know right away since I suffocate his every move.  I don't mean to be such a cunt...honestly, I don't. I'm just so scared of being hurt and being THAT wife that gets betrayed and cheated on. I've seen friends and family go through it and it's horrible and it tears families apart and ruins lives.  I don't want that for myself or for my kids. And before anyone starts accusing me of cheating, I can promise you that I'm not like this because of a guilty conscience. I can say proudly that I have never ever ever cheated on my husband. I'm not perfect and I have flirted here and there at bars or whatever but I've never taken anything further than that.  I have no intention of hurting my family that way. Our sex life is great as well.  He's extremely loving to me and is always touching me and this and that blah blah. I love the attention he gives me yet despite all this...I still don't trust him because he's the owner of a dick. It's like I can't let myself be comfortable and enjoy my life the way it is.  I don't know why I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to that. I need some advice from someone like you because well you knowwww...you say shit how it really is. Real talk and that's what I need.  Is my husband a cheater and is the ultimate best at it cause I can't find a single clue that he is or am I just a crazy stupid bitch that needs to realize and recognize what she's got before it's too late and he leaves my controlling psycho ass for someone normal and that can appreciate him for who he is???

Love,

Psycho Bitch



Dear Psycho Bitch,

HOLY

MOTHER

OF

GOD.

I can't get a motherfucker to buy me a hot dog and you, crazy bitch, are married. What in the ACTUAL fuck is going on in this world?!

There are no words to describe your email. You have not only taken the grand fucking prize to Crazy Town but, you have officially made every crazy bitch on the goddamn galaxy look like a motherfucking saint.

Just when I thought I have met the biggest cunt on the block, I get one-upped. Congrats on showing the world that there is an actual human fucking being out there who has outmatched crazy and psycho. You make those two names look like child's play. Matter of fact, you make the term "cunt" look like an okay word to actually call somebody.

I have never in my life heard, experienced, witnessed, seen or read anything quite like this. You are probably the most unbalanced and unstable bitch myself, and everyone reading this, will probably ever come across in their goddamn lifetime.

Did you really write that? Like, for reals? Am I being fucking Punk'd? Because if this is really the real deal then get ready because I'm about to break some shit down for you.

On a scale of 1 to O.J. Simpson, you're Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, you're not right in any sense of the fucking word.

FACT: A majority of men AND women cheat.

FACT: Men AND women cheat for a number of reasons. Two that are common are: 1) They aren't happy in their current relationship and 2) They have been cheated on in the past or in their current relationship.

FACT: If you give someone a reason to cheat on you, they more than likely will.

FACT: Innocent until proven guilty.

I'll be honest...I hope your husband cheats on you. Better yet, I hope he leaves your crazy ass. Not because he's an asshole, but because you're fucked in the head, delusional and no man, let alone person, deserves to be with a bitch like you. REAL FUCKING TALK.

You are the epitome of everything that is wrong with insecure motherfuckers. Do you realize what the fuck you wrote? I have no goddamn idea after 8 years and having children how this husband of yours is married to you. Actually, I do. YOU.ARE.FUCKING.CRAZY. His ass is probably scared shitless to even attempt to leave you.

You have issues. Like, a lot of goddamn issues. This isn't even about your husband cheating. Although I wish it was because if that were me, I'd cheat, make a movie of it, have you watch it then utter the words, "I WANT OUT. YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY, YOU CRAZY FUCKING CUNT." How on earth are you convinced that your husband, who by the way hasn't done shit, is going to cheat? Hey, I get it when people have been hurt in the past that shit like this comes up. But you took this shit to the motherfucking extreme. To the point this guy can't even sleep without probably asking your sorry ass for permission.

The actual idea of you thinking any of this when you pretty much have a handle on his every move is a bigger mind fuck than I think even Einstein could imagine. That dude is probably rolling around in his grave trying to get out so he can punch you in the goddamn throat and shit on your chest. Why the hell did you even marry this guy? I don't think anyone could help your ass to be honest. It's that bad. The worst part...if this dude were to leave you, I can honestly and genuinely say that I would not be surprised if you went Fatal Attraction with a dash of The Crush and a touch of Basic Instinct on his ass. That's how scared I am for this motherfucker. You are one thought away of seriously killing a brother. I actually mean that. There is nothing right about you and I'm surprised you aren't taking something other than Advil. How are you on your period is what I want to know? For fucks sake...you are probably Satan himself, huh?

You're not normal. Fuck no. Any individual who thinks like you do, is nothing close to normal. Y'all are special and need to move on your own goddamn island where you can think of made up shit then eat one another because of something that happened that never really did happen. You guys and your imaginary bullshit.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

The issue isn't him. The issue is YOU. 100% of it. You are seriously fucked up in the cabeza. I know I said that 50 other times in this column but you are seriously fucked up in the goddamn head and I actually feel bad for you. Ehhhhhh, no I don't. I feel bad for your husband and the crazy bitch he has to deal with on the daily. EVERYBODY reading this knows, you're fucking this up for yourself. Whether he ends up cheating because that's what you constantly obsess about or he ends up peacing the fuck out because you suffer from Twatinitis, you are gonna be your own worst enemy in all of this.

I'm not gonna even answer your question if he's a cheater and is a really good one. Why? Because that is some fucked up idea you made up. If I'm wrong, then I need to hi-five this motherfucker.

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

I could give two shits about how proud you are that you never cheated on your husband. I would hope not considering you took a goddamn vow to marry the fucking guy. Are you seriously that fucking stupid? Not trying to sound like a complete asshole but for fucks fucking sake, you have some shit that is beyond words and made me actually go and take two shots of tequila this morning. I think everyone around the world who is reading this is thinking, "Damn, I'm not so fucked up now. If someone thinks I'm crazy, I'm just gonna have them read this bitches question." That's straight up factual truth, sweetheart.

What you exemplify is what people should not want in A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Not in a relationship and more importantly, a fucking marriage. This poor sack of shit is being accused of something he is completely clueless about. Good job, bitch. Way to stay happy!

I could go on and on for days about this and that but there comes a point in time that my fingers are going to get tired typing and these readers are gonna want to go the fuck to sleep, so I'm going to leave it at this:

Go find a church. Tell the priest that you need Jesus...and his disciples. Because there is no amount of medication that is going to help your crazy fucking ass from thinking what you think. I don't know your husband but if I did, I would tell that motherfucker to run. Kick you in the shins first, then run.

Stop being THAT bitch who ruined her life because she can't get her shit together. You realize, the shit you're pulling is more than likely going to end with you alone?

You're beyond controlling and you're beyond ultimate cunt status. Chill the fuck out and be happy. Because let's be honest...you're not happy. You think you are but you're not. Just like how your husband is a cheater, right? Don't punish him because you've got issues, bitch. If you're that fucked up and insecure, leave. Don't make other motherfuckers suffer because you went 50 shades of crazy.

I need another drink.

J-Wunder



14 comments:

Anonymous said...

This bitch IS crazy. Damn. But I do get where she's coming from. Men (and women) do cheat all the time and I can see how paranoia will destroy ya when it comes to marriage. Marriages are sacred but this girl needs to RELAX. Take some pills and love yourself and your husband. Not much advice from J-Wunder on this column...

Anonymous said...

How the fuck am I still single and this crazy bitch is married with children. Goddamn.

Anonymous said...

This is why people write to you, J. You don't hold back and hopefully this girl realizes that she's fucked up in the head and needs to chill. Another great column! Can't wait for the book!

Anonymous said...

Jeezus u get crazy...and then you get this bitch!!!

mary roman said...

Bag lady you got too much...one day he gonna say, you crowding my space!

Anonymous said...

This. Is. Hilarious.
She is telling you how he is Obviously Not cheating on her, and has absolutely no proof, whatsoever, and yet still needs to ask you what you think. Women and men both usually know when they're being cheated on, sooner or later. If they're going to cheat, they will whether or not you have a leash around their neck 24/7.

AB

Bele said...

I'm with Anon2. HOW THE FUCK AM I STILL SINGLE WHEN SHE HAS A MAN?! WTF is wrong with that dumb bitch? Jeezus in a handbasket to hell, that is one fucked up chicka. All I know is that a life lesson of mine was just reconfirmed. Don't be a crazy bitch if you want a man, and if you gotta be, be so crazy his ass is afraid to run. Motherfucker, I need a drink myself now.

Anonymous said...

I'm a girl with 2 kids and crazy ex who said i was the crazy one for thinking he was cheating...when every time he opened his phone there was a different naked girl sending him a pic. Anyway...bitches are crazy! But this bitch OMG!! And, for the record...I'd buy you a hot dog! LOL

Sarah said...

I have been in this woman's shoes....always wondering if my man is cheating and being so god damn sure that I am going to catch him in something. In the past, I usually would. In my current relationship, going on three years, I finally had to seek therapy to see that I was fucked up in the head. I was expecting my man to cheat because that is all I knew. I had to learn to get rid of the expectations (not just in this case, I mean all expectations!). I had to rewire my mind to say "Look Sarah, not all men are assholes, they're not all going to cheat. Quit being a crazy fucking bitch and learn to TRUST again." It would piss my man off when I was so god damn insecure (and he had every right to get pissed!). Not to bring in the psycho shit, but once I realized that A - I was capable of being loved and respected (like my man was doing) and I treated him right, there was no reason for him to step out and B - Once I got past my own insecurities, I realized it was easier to trust him. Relationships aren't easy, especially when YOU yourself are the one who needs help. This bitch DEFINITELY needs professional help, real talk. I give her man props for putting up with her shit because my man was real close to saying "fuck this, I'm out". I would hate for her to lose a good man over her own shit. Although a man this good deserves someone who is going to be just as good to him.

Just my $0.02!

Anonymous said...

This bitch is CRAZY. She should be happy. She sounds like my husband. Maybe they should get together!

Anonymous said...

Psycho Bitch,

Get some therapy, sweetie. Learn how to appreciate what you've got and start enjoying your marriage. As you can see from the comments, there are girls who can't even get a halfway decent man and it sounds like you've got a great one. I'm saying this with love, girl - therapy. It can only help.

Anonymous said...

boys and girls cheat.. men and women don't , it doesn't matter how old someone is, depends on how mature they are to handle a situation like this... this bitch is a child.. and the husband is doomed... and the Marriage is trash, until she grows up!

filly said...

OMG "aboard the pound town express" - classic!

Obscene Journalist J said...

What. The. Fuck.

Whether she was exaggerating or being dead fucking serious, Bitch need help.
There is much sympathy needed for her husband, but even more for her children. Could you imagine growing up in that crazy-ass household?

If I were this messed up, I would not write in to this blog. No offense J-Wunder, but damn, she called herself a cunt, which is an understatement for this much delirium. Was she expecting you to sugarcoat her crazy? Dayumn.

However, this is by far the funniest column I have read. Hopefully, she gets a straightjacket or some help for her head. Lord knows she needs it.

As we say in the South, Bless your heart, you crazy Bitch.