Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Advice Column: How To Overcome EJAC-A-TACHY-PHOBIA


I am a regular at Inside the Mind of a Ghetto Genius and this time I need guidance. There is this woman with whom I was involved. Shit was sparkling to say the least. But the bedside manner wasn't that good on my part. I just couldn't keep myself at bay because I was just so in to that one. I would just go off as a pathetic virgin ass boy after ten or twenty pumps. That pussy was crazy like none before. It went bad and we went our ways, who knows how much was the issue of my dick... But anyways, different lady friends surfaced and the D was solid, I mean really solid. You give her hers two times straight and then she begs you to go off. Moaning, swearing as fuck, probably everyone knows that from experience or porn - who cares. And now. the magical one mentioned previously shows up again, you get the chance to get intimate with her and you lose your shit again. I mean seriously, something is wrong as fuck, you cum like it's been ages since your last decent fuck.. She could probably make me cum like a freight train just by looking at my wang.. And this is something that kinda doesn't sit with me well... I have something for that broad, but if I can't work with her in the bed there's no fucking way she would treat me as a relationship material. 

Please enlighten me all mighty what to do. Have I met the magical vagina that works as kryptonite on my D and I should accept it? Or, what the fuck is broken, if I can fuck others as if I was a pornstar and with this one I'm getting destroyed in a nanosecond...

Should I die or something or is it some sort of failsafe?

Sir Limpy with A and Hardy with BCD

Dear Sir What In The Fucking Fuck Does That Sign-off Mean,

I have been waiting for this email. The one where the guy confesses that he met a woman so fucking unreal that he ejaculates faster than a 12 year old boy reading Cosmo. You my friend just made my motherfucking day. Thank  you!

But enough about giving me a blogger boner, you have a situation that needs attention, guidance and a solution to your fucked up problem. You have a disease that every man has experienced, no matter how many bitches he has fucked. A disease that is so common, that many men are in denial.

What's this disease you might ask?


Now, like you, I once suffered from blowing my load in 1.5 dick pumps and it fucked with my head til I started training myself on how not to be that guy. "Wait...training, J?" Yes, motherfucker...training. See, what you need to realize is that even though you can fuck other broads like a champ, there is always going to be that one gal who is going to blow you away so much, that your dick is forever powerless when it comes to their pussy even breathing. Real talk.

There are FIVE things you and every man who suffers from this problem need to know, practice and execute like a motherfucking BOSS. Do them and do them religiously if you want to be successful, overcome your kryptonite and WOW the fuck out of them. So without further adieu, I give you, "J-Wunder's 5 Things To Overcome Ejac-A-Tachy-Phobia!!!"

1) Think about grandma.
I know, I know. I'm a sick fuck, right? Before y'all even go there, let's think about this for a second. If there is one person out there who always made you feel like someone special, who was it? Grandma. Someone who never did anything wrong? Grams. Someone who spoiled the shit out of you? That is fucking right, people...La abuela, putas. Someone who you would take a bullet for? Old Glory, baby. Someone who the goddamn Pope would let ride in their bullet proof chariot or whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it? It's grandma, son. Straight up.

Fucking a broad and thinking about your Nana isn't a morbid thing...consider it more of a calming effect. See, before when you were all in the moment fucking the best pussy on earth, your dick got nervous and didn't know how to react to being in that bitches vagina, let alone, fucking it. Cue grandma  in your thought process and all that shit comes to a screeching halt. Why? Simple. You're relaxed, playboy. All that worrying about your wang losing his shit is out the door. Now, all you got is you, your hot ass broad, your dong pounding away at her pink padded highway and grandma singing you a tune from back in the day when you were cutting her ratchety ass toenails.

Hey, don't thank me. Thank your grandma. Next.

2) Dead kittens.
Alright, now this my friends is just fucked up and very morbid. But hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to make sure your game is tight and your dick is on lock. Know what I sayin'? If there is one thing that can break your concentration to a point where you're still hard as a motherfucker but have no urge to cum anytime soon, it's thinking about dead animals. Especially kittens.

The only word of advice I have if you plan to do this is: 1) Don't be a bitch and cry. This isn't one of those fucked up and sad Sarah Mclachlan commercials. You're fucking another human for fuck's sake so don't fuck this up and act like a pussy. 2) Don't make any suspicious facial expressions. You do that, then your gal will know for sure your mind is on something else and not on the pussy.

3) Remember your gym teacher?
If I haven't made this column any fucking worse, I may have just set your ass over the goddamn edge with this nugget of truth. And as much as I want to say I'm really fucking with your ass noting your gym teacher, I'm really not. Gym teachers were either awesome, boring, weird or scary as fuck. That's the beauty of thinking about them. I would go off and say they were good looking and blah, blah, blah, but let's be honest...75% of those motherfuckers were overweight, angry, had no life or were fucking the Freshman English teacher down the hall.

Fucking the pussy from Krypton and thinking about Coach Rizzo in those track shorts where his balls always hung low is definitely fucked up and not right. Don't worry, you're not gay for thinking about his balls. Now, if you were thinking about sucking on them, then you need to take a good look in the mirror, stop reading this column and exit stage left. Last thing you need is to be fucking your gal and acting like her titties are a hairy sack while asking her to teabag you. But I digress...

Thinking about your gym teacher is a job within itself because no motherfucker wants to go back and relive those days when your gym teacher was more manly than you and called you a pussy everyday. That said, if you do think of your gym teacher, you might get angry and may cause you to hate fuck the shit out of your gal. This is a good thing and let's your chick know, you know how to dick down a bitch while saying fucked up shit like, "I don't wanna play steal the bacon anymore, coach."

4) Over indulge yourself in the world of porn.
If there is one thing that every man needs to do is watch tons and tons of porn. Why? So you can desensitize your dick and fuck like a champ. Although it can be a goddamn challenge to control your dick emotions, it's an absolute must that you train your wang like a warrior and get your shit solid to the point that your dick calls the shots and no one else. I'm a true believer that PUSSY IS POWER, however, if you have solid dick discipline, then pussy will become powerless. When I say that, I mean powerless in a way that you don't cum like a fucking 12 year old once you slide the head of your cock inside those vaginal walls, son! Ya feel me?!

Think of your dick as an ER doctor. Those guys don't flinch at the sign of blood or limbs torn off. If they did, they'd be puking all over the goddamn place looking like a ghost and shit. Bascially, they wouldn't be in the field of medicine and all that intellectual shit of whatever.


Because they see tons of fucked up shit on a day-to-day basis, they saddle the fuck up, take care of business and help motherfuckers survive, walk away herpes free and live to breathe another day.

That's what your dick needs to do. Not flinch at the first sign of golden ticket pussy. Don't be afraid of how those hips gyrate, or screams that follow soon after. Once your dong hits those vaginal walls, it shouldn't be "Fuck. Can I get a do-over?" It should be, "I'm about to take your ass on the Pound-Town Express, baby. Choo choo motherfucker!!!" as she leaves your pad walking like a baby giraffe all the way home.

Watch porn and train your dick to run shit.

5) Train your wang for the Dick Olympics.
"Dick Olympics, J? WTF?!" You read that right.


What you lack is stamina, amigo. Tons of it! So, here's what you need to do:

You need to jerk off all hours of the day as much as you can and as many times as you can. The kicker is that you need to think about that girl who is your kryptonite. Lube your dong up so it simulates her vagina and you feel like this shit is really fucking happening. Tug, pull, yank, crank...fuck your hand to the point that you're gonna pass out from the best nut you have ever experienced. BUT right before you nut...


This is where you gotta dig so fucking deep that it hurts, son. Breathe. Concentrate. Focus. Get to the point where your little dickhole is shivering with anxiety, stress and excitement. Don't let a single drop...this includes pre-cum...release from your big ass, lubed up boner. Keep fucking your hand while saying to yourself, "Gotta hold this shit in til the timer goes off." What that timer is, is up to you. We know it's not a goddamn nanosecond so get that shit out of your head. Think 10 minutes. Hell, go for broke and think 30-45 minutes. Whatever you do, train your dick to hold in your load so you don't get penalized for a false start.

No hand can mimic a golden pussy. However, you know your dick better than anyone else, so I expect this exercise to work wonders in helping you build stamina and focus on making sure your gal knows she's not the only kryptonite around these parts.

FIVE things that are going to take you to the promise land and not only help you dominate your gal pal, but absolutely murder the pussy you have already conquered.

Go in peace and get this shit started,



Anonymous said...

Best advice column yet. Hahaha!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Hands down, BEST BLOG OUT THERE! Thanks for the laughs, J!

Anonymous said...

Don't ever drink anything while reading these columns. You will have shit go everywhere!!! Hahaha!

Anonymous said...

yo... grandma??