Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Advice Column: Sealing The Deal


First off, congrats on your book deal. Ordered my ass a copy so I didn't miss out. Can't wait brother!

So give it to me straight. What are the top things men should AVOID when trying to sleep with a woman? Just when I think I have sealed the deal, shit hits the fan and it becomes a disaster. I need your help...BAD! Seems like you're the answer to my prayers, so help a guy out.

Many thanks,
Needs to seal the deal

Dear Needs To Seal The Deal,

When it comes to dicking a girl down, you must remember that there are rules. Rules that are important, especially if the broad isn't shitfaced, desperate, a skank, cum dumpster, or working for a non-profit whoreganization. Sealing the deal is by far the easiest or hardest thing one man can try to conquer. There is no in-between. If your plan is to score but you don't sign the deal by the end of the night by making deposits and withdrawals in Tits Magee's ATM, then consider that a complete waste of  your time, money and goddamn effort.

Today, I'm going to list what men should avoid at all costs if they want to ride the P.T.E. (that's Pound Town Express for you newbies out there) and possibly get that second or third date...better yet, find the golden ticket to pussy paradise. Take notes, pay attention and tweak your game to better your results. Shall we?

Rule #1: Don't be TOO aggressive.

You're not trying to fight a bitch so calm your tits, Hercules. Whenever you are having dinner, drinks, or whatever, it is always good to feel out the situation. I get that some chicks love a guy who takes command of situations but remember, this is pussy we're talking about. Gotta treat that shit like a beautiful flower that just blossomed. A broad may like it rough in the sack but that doesn't translate to, "Hey baby, let me pound you like a jackhammer and punish your asshole like I'm tenderizing meat" conversation. DON'T DO THAT. Chicks like a guy who can make moves but in a way that is smooth. Whether it be looking them in the eyes, touching their hand or just being a funny motherfucker, don't come off acting like you got this when you really don't. Bitches hate that and will end whatever it is y'all are doing right then and there. This is a marathon not a sprint. You want the pootie? Treat it like it's filet mignon, not a sugar fucking sandwich.

Rule #2: Don't make SEX the main topic of conversation.

Even though it's what you want to achieve, don't be that fucknut and make it priority #1. Back in the day, I thought it was cute to talk about sex all the fucking time around random bitches I wanted to bang. Half the time I would score...with the worst drunk, desperate and naive bitches on the planet. While the other half of the time I would either get a drink dumped on my fucking head, slapped in the face like a bitch OR just get told to fuck off and kick rocks. Don't be the old me. Be the new me and the guy who isn't THAT guy. The reality is, sex usually becomes a topic (depending on who you're with and how much you had to drink) and everyone who is anyone will go with that topic and all of the sudden it becomes a bragging session. We ALL want to be those people who like to admit what we're good at. And although that is what we think others want to hear, it's not in some sense. Reason being, no one likes someone who talks a big game then when it comes to showtime, and you underperform, you become the laughing stock of Fuckville.

FACT: When you underperform in any way, shape or form with a woman, her friends, family, strangers, AND Jesus himself, will know.

I've been one to keep my mouth shut...at times. Fortunately those times I was THAT guy, I came through and fucked, sucked, and dilly-dallied in the pate-de-la-puse like a champ. Well, there was that one time I got whiskey dick. Then passed out. Then puked. But this isn't about me. This is about how YOU need to keep the sex convo limited. Let her lead because if she does, then that means she's comfortable as to where this might go. Just whatever you do, don't act as if you are the top dog motherfucker...even if you know in your cock of cocks, you are.

Rule #3: This isn't about you.

The one thing that I always stress to any of my friends who go out on dates or people they meet at the bar is: NEVER TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. If you ever get into a conversation with someone and all they do is talk about themselves when you haven't even asked...WALK THE FUCK AWAY. I have and you know what? It checked a bitch real quick. Sure I want to get to know you, but fuck, can you breathe for a goddamn minute and ask me a motherfucking question please? Asking questions and talking about shit other than yourself works to your advantage because you show interest. You should only talk about yourself when asked OR when it's appropriate to say some awesome fucking shit about yourself.

I know tons of chicks who have had the experience of meeting a guy, things go awesome and then this motherfucker just can't stop talking about himself. It's not rocket science. You want pussy? Show them you are into THEM. She probably doesn't give a fuck what you do all hours of the day unless she asks. Talking about your job - cool. Talking about what you like to do - cool. Talking about how bitches be all up on your jock because you have an 8 pack instead of a 6 pack - I will slap the fucking shit out of you. Come correct or don't come at all, asshole.

Rule #4: She's running the show. 

Women are fucking tricky. If you want pussy, they are well known to throw some tricks up their sleeves for you to get it...but for good reason.

You gotta be on your A game when it comes to sealing the deal. Women run the show because it's the signals they give that let's men know, "If you ask me now, I'm going to say yes" or "Time to stop fucking around, I'm gonna to take this man home and give him my gold star." Remember - TIMING IS KEY.

Laughter, flirting, a little hand holding, staring into the eyes, biting of the lower lip, Jedi-Mind fucking you with those "fuck me" eyes are just a few signs that you'll need to focus on when figuring out if you're in or out.

Bitches want a man who's a gentleman. Not a fucking douchebag who is out looking to spread some dick cheese. I know we all like to dictate where the night ends up, but only do that when Flapjack Felicia gives you the signs. Too many times fellas think they have it "locked up" and end their night early to a box of frozen ass Hot Pockets and their dads porn collection from 1985. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Pussy can only be predicted when you're dealing with dumb bitches who think a Cleveland Steamer is a carpet cleaning company. Work your magic while letting her tell you what's going to happen or show you the signs as to what's going to happen.

Pussy rules the universe. That's why as men, we gotta treat that shit with great care. Well, until you're tapping that ass like it's going extinct.

Four simple rules that should help your game get tighter and your dick downing brighter.

Don't be THAT guy. Follow these rules and you should be alright. You don't need a magic act to get a piece of ass. Unless you're ugly as fuck, have no personality and can't count to 10, the only help you have is a ton of liquor and a big ass bank account.




Anonymous said...

whoreganization....haha priceless !!

Anonymous said...

Damn!!!!... Nonprofit whoreorganization.