Friday, July 26, 2013

Advice Column: There's Never "TOO MUCH SEX"


I love your blog, keeps me rolling laughing daily.  You're a great ab workout for a fitness girl like myself.  Here's my question. I LOVE my man.  I'll do anything for him, and him anything for me.  We're getting married, the whole deal.  I'm incredibly happy with him.  Last night he told me that he felt things were a little off between us and he admitted to me that he thinks we have "too much" sex.  Now, this is not a huge deal for me. If his dick fell off tomorrow, I'd still love him as much as I do right now.

I'm not upset, just a little confused I guess.  Every guy I've ever dated has eventually said to me, "I think we have sex too much, I don't want this to be all about sex".  Trust me, it's not.  But if the sex is fantastic, why wouldn't I want it all the time?  There's always the saying with guys that sex is on their mind all the time, and all they want is sex.  What about for girls? I don't just want sex with him, if I did I wouldn't be marrying him! Although, I do feel now like I've been raping him lately. LOL :)

I guess my question is, is there really a thing as too much sex?

Much love,
Too much sex

Dear Too Much Sex,

I am going to speak on behalf of myself and the rest of those people who think like me.

Is there really a thing as too much sex?

FUCK NO!!!! 

Now, before I go off on a tirade, I want to say the term "FUCK NO", should be used loosely (no pun intended).

Like you and many others, I love hopping on the Pound Town Express. As much as I can, for as long as I can and however I can. I just can't get enough. Ask any chick who has ever dated or slept with me. I got some goddamn issues. Boning issues. But hey, how can you knock that, right?

When it comes to sex and lots of it, you gotta realize that men and women are different in certain ways when it comes to wanting it all the time. Chicks I completely get. I don't think there is a woman I know out there who doesn't like fucking. Some of my homegirls are probably reading this thinking, "Great, every time I see J now, he's gonna look at me like I'm gonna want to fuck him or my dildo." Ladies, you know for damn certain I am not going to think that. I'm going to think about going down on you first and THEN everything else you just mentioned. But I digress...

Chicks like yourself love sex. I don't see anything wrong with a chick and her vagina that is looking to get pounded into overdrive. How-the-fuck-ever, when it comes to a man, things are a little different.

As much as men love sex, we can only take so much. There is only so much cockunut juice we can produce in our yambag and so much blood flow our dicks can take for "X" amount of time. As for me though, I'm from a different universe. I'm one of those guys who can bang a chick, cum in like 5 dick pumps, stay rock hard and fuck for the next hour with a 10 minute rest period then be ready to go for the next 22 hours and 50 minutes. Must be all that goddamn fried chicken I eat or something. But this isn't about the super powers my Guamaconda holds, this is about a majority of men in general.

When dudes usually bust a nut, no matter if the sex was mind blowing or as boring as a Catholic wedding, 7 out of 10 times, they are done fucking...FOR THE DAY...probably the week. Dudes can sometimes be selfish and once they unleash the fury in you or on you, they say goodnight and all you can hope for is greener pastures tomorrow. It's hard for a brother to keep that dick motivated.

Now, I'm going to assume your man can keep up with you, which is fucking awesome, however, while you're wanting to join the ultra marathon club, his wang is only conditioned to run regular marathons. And if it were his choice, he'd probably drop down to half marathons...fuck, maybe 10K's or speed walking events.

There's no such thing as too much sex, but there is such a thing as wearing down a dudes dick. Your vagina - SUPER WOMAN. His wang - CLARK KENT. Sometimes a man can only smack it up and flip it, but he just can't rub it down. Remember that time that you had too much deep dicking and it felt like your venus fly trap was an actual venus fly trap? Like your pussy was made of sandpaper and broken glass? That's how it feels to a dude when he gets too squirrelly and bust too many nuts. But in his dick. You ever piss and it burns? That's how it feels to a dude when he is spent like your food stamps on the 3rd of the month.

The one thing that confuses the shit out of me is the fact he said y'all's relationship or whatever was "off". The only thing off is the fact that he needs to take his dick to the Olympdick Training Center and condition that dong of his more. As much as some men love to dick their bitches down but get exhausted from the constant wang rides, they need to realize and be thankful for women who actually love the Pound Town Express rather than a marathon of Gossip Girl and Bon Bon's over your lead pipe.


You know one of the reasons why relationships fail? LACK OF SEX. Does this mean your sex life is lacking? No. However, not keep your sex life consistent can lead to non-existent sex and we all know that when relationships get to that point, motherfuckers need to exit stage left and get the fuck out. Always keep that shit tight, fresh and proper.

If this is the dude that you want to give you the dick for the rest of your days, maybe you should give his dick a day off once in a while. You should invest in some battery operated boyfriends. But considering how much you like the dick you should probably invest in the one that plugs into the wall so you aren't spending your honeymoon money on batteries.

Ain't nothing wrong with too much sex. But like life, some motherfuckers need to recharge to make things better. No woman wants a pity fuck, let alone, a zombie dick. You know what zombie dick is? It's where the dick just wanders, has no clue what the fuck it's doing but still gets the job done and gets the kill. You don't want that. You want a dick that is on ADD. Some shit that is action packed and full of life. I'm talking sporadic, high volume dick thrust that would kill oversized animals and make goats throw up.

Ease up a tad (just a tad...don't go 180 and shit) and you'll be alright. Well, unless you want to give me a test drive. Because if that's the case, you're guaranteed to drive my wang straight off the lot.

Hakuna Mafucka...means nothing. Just go bone.



Anonymous said...

Dead. FFS.

Fresh.. said...

i can read your talk all day boy...fucking hilarity.

Anonymous said...

I am also a chick who love to board the PTE as often as possible... the solution to that is a BF half my age :) Twice a day during the week and triple that on the weekends.

Anonymous said...

Hakuna Mafucka...means nothing. Just go bone.
I just fucking LOVE this!!!!