Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Bar Fight

It was exactly 12 years ago today that it happened - My first bar fight.

Not sure what day of the week it was because well, I was drunk and really could give a shit thinking that far back. All I remember, it was me, my boy Jordan and my boy B, at Madison's in San Luis Obispo. Celebrating our last summer before we go into our 5th and final year at Cal Poly.

The night started off like any other night - pints of Long Island's and shots of Mexico's finest aged Baja tequila...straight from the plastic bottle. Honestly, I'd rather drink my piss than that shit ever again, but hey, we're broke ass college students so can you blame us? As I was saying...

We make the usual rounds around the bar, hoping to find those special drunk broads we plan to tap ass with later that night. And within 10-15 minutes, we make eye contact with 4 broads and start to approach them until...

Jordan: "Hey man, what the fuck?!"

Frat fuck: "Don't "what the fuck" me, you spilt your drink on my shirt, asshole."

Rewind back two minutes prior: As we were walking, my buddy Jordan tried to avoid bumping into anyone since the place was fucking crowded. However, two frat fucks with the average height of 5'6" and necks so big you would think they were ass cheeks decided to be assholes and bump into him. Back to the action...

Me: "Guys, guys, was a fucking accident. We're sorry fellas. Let me buy y'all a drink. Cool?"

Jordan: "Fellas, it was an accident. Apologies."

Frat fuck: "Alright cool man. No worries. Let's do some shots." under their breath they finish with "fucking clowns."

Now, being a tad bit buzzed, Jordan and I didn't hear shit. However, B...that motherfucker had some Go-Go Gadget ears then shit hits the fan.

B: "What the fuck did you say, cocksmoker?" BTW - dude got us into more than one fight later on that year because he called everyone "cocksmoker". Thanks, asshole.

Frat fuck: "What the fuck did you call me, pencil dick?"

At this point, no one is doing shots. No one is making friends. B is face to face with this Napolean looking motherfucking muscle head while Jordan is next to frat fucks friend and I'm on the opposite side facing my boy and this dickhead talking shit.

B: "You called us "fucking clowns". You don't gotta be a dick."

Frat fuck: "You think you're tough or something? I bet I could kick you and your friends ass, bro."

It was at this point, that I looked at this motherfucker with the "Son, I hope you didn't say what the fuck I thought you just said" look. I never start shit because I believe there is always someone who can kick your ass or someone who is just plain crazy enough to kill you.

Fight when you have to, not because you want to. Write that shit down.

B: "You think so, huh? How bout if I kick your ass, I get to fuck your girlfriend." *points to frat fucks girl and gives her hot ass a wink*

Frat fuck: "I'm about to fuck you up, bro. Don't you ever disrespect me like that. You're probably just mad because your mom's a whore."

Please note: Never call a Mexican dude's mom a whore. Especially when he's drunk.

Frat fuck: "Let's take this shit outside."

B: "I say we take it right here..."

It was right then and there I saw my boy B do something I never thought I would see anyone ever do. Face to face, nose to nose with muscle head, this motherfucking friend of mine looks at me on his right, blows me a kiss, turns back around and throws a goddamn haymaker. This shit came all the way from heaven...that's how much he unloaded. The funny part...he didn't go for muscle head, but his buddy who was standing next to him and my buddy, Jordan.

T-I-M-B-E-R!!!!!!!! Dude seemed like he died on impact. Straight up.

Frat fucks friend gets laid out then all hell breaks loose.


As soon as B throws a KO right hook, frat fucker head butts the shit out of him and picks him up WWF style and throws his ass straight onto the staircase. Meanwhile, my buddy Jordan for some reason, is completely shit faced and making out with some ratchet ass bitch by the bar while bottles and punches are being thrown from every goddamn direction. B is holding his shit down while I'm fighting off people who are trying to punch innocent motherfuckers for no reason. I took a good punch to the face which sobered (not really) and woke me the fuck up and in the end, the dude that hit me got a nice little karate chop to the goddamn throat and started puking on some bitch kicking other bitches in the shins. To be honest, that shit was funny as hell!

It's complete chaos and what started off as one fight, turned into a complete shitshow with 3-4 other fights happening. I guess that's what happens when the bar you go to is dominated by a bunch of frat boys and sowhority sisters. But I digress...

As the bouncers were cleaning house and mopping the floor with peoples faces, I saw my boy B getting pounced on by 3 more guys. As he's getting punched, this crazy motherfucker is just smiling and shouting, "You're all pussies. Pussies." Real talk.

Not trying to let my boy down, I start running from the other side of the bar contemplating in mid-run what the fuck am I gonna come with. A kick? A punch? Maybe some Van Damme or Tito Santana shit? Drunk, angry and full of adrenaline I said "fuck it" and jumped as high and as far as I could and went with the Superman Punch. Then it happened...

This big, black motherfucking bouncer who looked like Bubba Smith in Police Academy catches me in mid fucking air (no goddamn lie), says, "no you don't" and throws me like a goddamn rag doll. I'm 5'11" and was 185 pounds at the time people. When this cat threw me, all I could do was shout the words "Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk....Shhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt...Noooooooooooooo...Moooooooooommmmmmm!!" while flying threw the air (still in Superman Punch position) and pray I wouldn't die on impact. This dude threw me so hard that I hit a table and broke it with my back and just collapsed like a little bitch. I can't confirm or deny that there might have been an act of sharting upon impact.

With a whole table busted, my ass on the floor and about 5 drinks spilt all over me, the bouncer helps me up, kicks me out along with B and the other fucking hooligans and says, "Y'all bitches need to learn to never shit in another man's home." Of course I start calling him a pussy and throw change at him because we all know that motherfucker wasn't going to waste his time on a dude he just javelined 8 feet through the fucking air.

B ends up with a busted lip and a small gash by his eye. I end up with a fucked up back and what looks like Big Foot's hand mark on my rib cage from getting my ass tossed like a salad.

I looked at B, then he looked at me and said, "You're probably wondering why I hit that guys friend instead of him, huh?" I said, "Yeah bro. Where the fuck did that come from? You cheap shottin', shady motherfucker." He responds with, "I wanted to hurt someone, and that was the only motherfucker that I knew I could really hurt...that's why I did it. Pussy. Hahahaha!"

This fucking guy.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for always making my day, J!

Anonymous said...

I'm having deja vu lol..except for me it was a payphone and not a table. Thanks for the great read Nan!

RJ said...

Dude I remember that bouncer. He actually gave me my fake ID back after laughing at it. That bar was always full of uppity Aholes and poly dollies. That's why I always went to Bulls. Way more mello and cheap.