Thursday, August 29, 2013

Advice Column: Find Me At The Club

Dear GG,

I heard on the radio about a week or so ago, "At what age should you stop going to a club that is 21 and over?" Interested to get your insight on this because some people should not even step into the club, let alone think about going.

Look forward to it,
I Steer Clear

Dear I Steer Clear,

Here at GG Headquarters we believe in "ball till we fall." Didn't you see the pics from my book launch party? Bitches were steady grinding on each other till the wee hours of the morning and gave zero fucks about what anyone else thought or did. And you know what? We had fun, we didn't hurt anyone or anything, except our own livers and all of us are over 21. Shit was on point.

Why don't you think some people should be at the club? I mean, shit, some people should not be at the club erry damn night, especially when they got 3 or 11 chirruns at home, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to shove their carcass into a tube dress, fix their weave right and go out and get their dance on. Why you trying to hate on people having a good time?

On the real though, I'm not really big into clubs. How-the-fuck-ever, if I'm in a fucking mood to grind on some honeys, or just sit down and get some bottle service with some good people who surround me, then I'm gonna cruise out and have me a good ass time. Now, don't get this shit all fucking twisted because as mentioned, there are some motherfuckers who shouldn't show up at all. For instance...

#1 Mister or Misses "I'm 21 For Life!!!":

When I say this statement I mean, those bitches or douchefucks who are at an age where they choose to act another age. We see this everywhere. Local bars, clubs and even the big time shit in Vegas. Hey, I get some of us like to be "young at heart". I'm 34 years old and act like a goddamn horny fucking 8th grader sometimes...ok, most of the time. But put me in a club, I'm gonna act my fucking age, have a good time and not try to be someone I'm not. I don't need to find some chick 10 years younger than me to mack on because "I need to check my game" or "see if I still got it". Been there, done that. Sleezy lines and childish games are what bitches and douchelords with no morals look for at these spots and everywhere in between. And by no means am I knocking that shit because I was there for years. I mean, I get caught slippin' once in a while but for the most part, I keep my shit on lock. Don't trip.

Once a person over 30 sets foot in a club, a majority of those peoples mentality changes. It goes from "I'm a business professional who likes to read the Wall Street Journal and has an outstanding portfolio" to "I am going to get so fucked up that I am going to blackout and make out with every motherfucker in here and probably do shit that will make my mother feel the wrath of God in the morning" mentality. I've been guilty of this as have a majority of society. Clubs for us older folks makes us feel young again with ideas that we still have our shit dialed in...when the reality is, you're getting older, motherfucker. Act your age, have a good fucking time and don't act a fool. But if you do, do it within reason because believe it or not, when these young cats watch an older motherfucker pull some "Girls Gone Wild" shit, they judge more than Jesus and his disciples, which amazes the fuck out of me.

If you're not in your 20's, calm your shit down, but have fun like a mature motherfucker would.

#2 That Outfit Looked Great On You 10 Years Ago:

Remember when you were younger and almost every club outfit you wore out looked out-fucking-standing on you? Remember that shit?! As soon as you walked into the club, eyes stuck to you like glue...ALL NIGHT LONG.

Well, times have come and gone. That outfit you wore 12 years ago stays the same, however, YOU DIDN'T. With age, came a busier life, slower metabolism and less time to hit the gym. I guess what I'm saying is, you gained some fucking weight.

Friday night rolls around and you get a text from your homegirl that says, "Get hoe'd out hoe, we going to the cluuuuuuuubbbbb tonight, beyotch!" Filled with excitement, you go get ready and as you look in your closet, you see it. The club dress. The one that when you wear it, the whole goddamn club checks you out all night long.

People, we all know where this story is going. Ladies, if your body has morphed into something different than it was 1 to 10+ years ago, for the love of all goddamn fucking things holy, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THE SHIT YOU DON'T FIT INTO ANYMORE.

Sure 10 years ago your ass in that dress was tighter than skinny jeans on Lil' Wayne. And sure that top you wore made your titties look humungo! But Sweet Tits, times have changed and you trying to look good in something that does not make your ass look flattering in, needs to fucking stop immediately. Now, I'm not saying wear something more conservative. I'm just saying, wear something that first of all, fits your weight gained ass AND wear something that looks good on those curves.

Ain't nobody got time for eye bleach at the club.

#3 If you are over 40, you need to place it down like it is warm, not drop it like it's hot.:

Sure, when you were a club-rat back in 19 fucking 90 and you had your South Beach Silk shirt on, Z Cavariccis and could do the worm and the splits like a fucking boss, that was super duper fucking cool. Now that you are 40 something, with a gut and a bad knee, you need to sit the fuck down and chill the fuck out without trying to be Kool AND The Gang. Yeah, you can still get out and cut a rug with your lady or dude, but don't be tryin' to two-step with the kids today. Did Billy Ray get up and twerk with Miley? Naw, he let her chicken cutlets ass handle that shit on her own.

Nowadays, dancing comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. However, your geriatric ass with the knee-brace under the pants wearing self needs to have a seat, people watch and not put yourself in a position where the bartender or bouncer has to call the goddamn ambulance because you "felt something pop". Fuck all that. Save yourself from the embarrassment and icy hot the next day.

Ain't nothing wrong going to the club at 40+, you just need to realize this ain't a game anymore and Bobby Brown isn't on the Billboard Charts for "My Prerogative".

So there you have it. I have no problem with anyone going to the club. Certain people just need to realize that what they thought was the shit back then, ain't so much now as you get older. Could I be wrong? Probably...but 7 out of 10 times, I'm usually right. This is one of those instances.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go find my Hammer Pants. I'm about to be 2 Legit, 2 Quit in this motherfucker.

I'm out,



Anonymous said...


You did it again, GG! LOL.

Anonymous said...

You my friend are a god damn WINNER!

Anonymous said...

2 legit 2 quit!!!!! Luv it

Anonymous said...