Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito







via - Medium
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm eating a burrito and laughing my dick off. Was he white?

Anonymous said...

How the fuck would you layer a burrito like that anyway?

Trevor Smith said...

Does it matter if he was white? He is a person, is that not all that matters?

Anonymous said...

This is why I ALWAYS have them mix the ingredients before wrapping it. If they "don't do that", I tell them I want a fork and an extra plate and I'll wrap it myself.

Anonymous said...

He rolled up a tortilla, stood it on end, and put a scoop of each in there. Hahaha.

Anonymous said...

It does matter...white people can't make burritos

Ivan Avila said...

That's probably the most evil thing a person can do without being arrested.

Anonymous said...

This blog had me laughing so hard I choked on my saliva and about pissed myself all at the same time! I'm sorry for your god awful burrito expierence, but you are quite the talent at telling someone in so many creative ways, that their mother should have put them on the end of a hanger before they plagued mankind with their existence!

Anonymous said...

No they were not a person, did you not catch the "my guess is you're a MOP with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla"? CLEARLY IT IS A WOODEN HANDLE WITH LONG STRINGS ATTACHED TO THE END AND UPSIDE DOWN.... I DONT KNOW MANY PEOPLE WHO FIT THAT DESCRIPTION...... UNLESS YOU ARE THAT MOP!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Sounds legit!

Christopher Neal said...

I love you no homo

Anonymous said...

This white girl can make a fan fuckingtastic burrito! Why you gotta make it about race? It was clearly a mop, so stop judging human atributes.
I'm so sorry that the author of this story had such a bad burrito experience. Next time don't order from an inanimate object. Just come up to Vancouver, BC, and we will get you highn then make you a killer, fucking burrito.

ESB Media said...

This is friggin' hilarious and it had to be a mop 'cause as a professional chef myself, I would have abso-muthafuckin-lutly no idea how one would be able to wrap a burrito like this w/o the commenter above stating that the mop in question "wrapped the tortilla first, then scooped the ingredients in", which in itself is of a higher IQ of any mop I've ever met. I digress... 

And whom ever said anything about this mop being white is an idiot, sorry to say. I'm Caucasian and have had to teach many of my Mexican homie cooks on how to roll burritos (mainly 'cause most of them have never even stepped foot in the kitchen at home, 'cause that's their culture in many ways) so race has nothing to do with it. I know some white mofos that can roll out some serious sushi competition to our Asian brothas, so that was completely ignorant to think, let alone say in the first place. 

It's all about training and experience when it comes to food and most of those that work minimum wage fast food joints, could care less about how your burrito is rolled or that they first dropped the tortilla on the dirty ass floor, then picked it right back up and proceeded with building the leaning tower of tortilla crap this poor guy had the displeasure to end up having to deal with. 

Anonymous said...

why are people saying they dont understand how a burrito could be rolled like that? u have the burrito flat and u take a scoop of sour cream and put it at the top, then the cheese after that then the beans after that etc etc and then roll it....i mean i dont know WHY the idiot did it, but he did.

Anonymous said...

That's a special kind of fucktard.. This had to be Taco Bell haha

Anonymous said...

I'd say he's going to be the next serial killer, do u hurt animals? Weird f/^k!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, people. The author, on his blog no less, stated that this was a fiction. In other words, it didn't happen IRL.

Anonymous said...

Lol, yeah, because they make authentic burritos in CANADA. Get out of here. New Mexico, best burritos. Hands
down.