Thursday, September 5, 2013

J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types

Booze. Whether it be beer, wine, hard liquor or some gay ass Mike's Hard Lemonade, we all know any amount of alcohol does something to you. "What does it do, J-Wun?" Glad you asked, fuckers.

Booze gets people, well...DRUNK. This is a fucking given. I don't care what you drink...if you drink enough of it, you will be W-A-S-T-E-D! True story. Now, getting "drunk" is kind of a broad to be more specific, I will list the kind of drunk you have either 1) Been, 2) Seen, or 3) Heard of. And since there are so many different types, I decided to break it down in a series for all of you to enjoy. So with out further adieu, I present to you, "J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types."

1) Happy Drunk: Nothing better than seeing a happy drunk. You know why? Because these mother fuckers don't let shit get to them. For example, your buddy Brad is completely wasted but happy drunk beyond turn to him and say, "Hey Brad, bad news buddy...your sis just told me your mom died." You know what Brad says? Brad says with a drunk fucking smile, "That's a bummer. She was fucking old anyway. Can you pass me a few beers? It's beer pong time." Yeah, that's how happy some mother fuckers will get when intoxicated. Mom dies...who gives a shit. I'm happy.

2) Angry Drunk: This is the opposite of happy drunk. I don't know what it is but, anytime someone drinks either Tequila or Whiskey, they get fucking piiiiiiiiissssed! Ain't no one smiling after 4 drinks in...I'll tell you that fucking much. The angry drunk is quite comical. Why? Well for starters, they get angry for no fucking reason. At.All. It's like the devil spiked their drink and all of the sudden, chairs are flying across the goddamn bar because good pal, Ronny, got looked at funny by a fucking tranny. The angry drunk finds reasons to fight. 91% of the time, it's for the dumbest shit ever imagined. I get that you're mad Terry Tough Guy, but for fuck's sake, can you at least tell me why you want to fight the bathroom stall right now? What did that inanimate object ever do to you? Fucking jerk.

3) Horny Drunk: What has always been the fastest way to get laid? Get a mother fucker drunk. All you need is 2 hours, a bottle or 12-pack of something and a corner. A corner, J-Wunder? Yes, a know...for when you're about to smash that ass when "you think" no ones looking. Isn't it funny the shit you think is a good idea, when you're wasted? Horny drunk is good and bad. Good because there is a great chance you're getting laid and about orgasm yourself into a goddamn seizure. Bad because the person you're about to bone, probably has some sort of STD, plays the field more than the Oakland Raiders and is probably uglier than shit. Hence, beer goggles. Bless those things sometimes. The beauty of being horny drunk though is that you don't have a care in the fucking world on who you're hooking up with. Case in point...this guy.

It's all fun and games until you wake up the next day with a thong on your head that looks like it was worn by a goddamn elephant and you smell like a sausage factory dipped in sweat. Ask yourself, was it worth it? If only you could have had 2 beers and not 15, right? Riiiiight jerkoff.

4) Emotional Drunk: There is nothing more annoying than watching someone cry for no fucking reason...for hours on end. You know, if you took the angry drunk and made him a little bitch, what you would get is...the Emotional Drunk. This my friends, is the worst possible drunk you could ever be. Seriously. The emotional drunk pertains more to women than men. Sorry ladies but you know this shit is true. A night out on the town, drinks are're dancing like Kevin fucking Bacon in Footloose when all of the sudden, you realize you're having too much fucking fun or something and you start to cry. Like someone stole a box of donuts from a fat kid. Bitch please. Crying really? How did you go from being the dancing queen and having a blast, to crying like you just heard someone killed your fucking cat? I know drank too much goddamn booze. It must be something that God installed in women because once you get a chick past a certain point of alcohol consumption, bitches start crying over shit. Which translates to not a goddamn thing. All of the sudden you're sad. Nobody likes you. You can't find love. You hate people. You want to die. You're too fat. You're too skinny. You haven't had sex in, I don't know, EVER. You couldn't just have fun could you? You have to fuck it up by being emotionally fucked up over things that don't make sense and nobody cares about. Thanks. Bitch.

5) Hungry Drunk: When you get high, you get the munchies. Guess what? When you get fucking shit can wasted, you get the munchies too. I've been there, you've been there...we've all been there. I'm talking about the Hungry Drunk, people. It's 2am and you just got home from a up the cabinets because it's about to get Emeril Lagasse up in this bitch. Top Ramen - BAM! Grilled fucking Cheese - BAM! Hot mother fucking Pockets - BAM BAM BAM! Nachos - Stop this shit...BAM! I'm convinced booze has weed in it. If it doesn't, then why the hell do we eat like we've never seen a meal in our goddamn lives? Am I alone here? Hell no I'm not. You and I both know that when we get drunk, we fucking eat. And who doesn't like to fucking eat? Exactly.

6) Honest Drunk: They say, honesty is the best policy. Well, whoever said being honest while intoxicated goes a long way, needs to be fucking shot in the goddamn head. The Honest Drunk...probably one of the only people you will either love or fucking hate. For the rest of your life. Honest drunks tell it like it is and at the end of the day, they don't care how you feel about it, or what you have to say. They just want to get that shit out of their system. "Hey Brenda, I just want to let you know that you're a fucking cunt and I hate you. Bitch." "John, we've been friends for what, 10 years? Since I know you're a good guy, I just wanted to let you know that it was me that fucked your sister at Jill's party, not Tom. Man, you kicked that dudes ass and he didn't even do anything. Poor guy." "Hey Lisa, you're fucking ugly. Has anybody mentioned getting a face lift? Or maybe, just killing yourself?" You laugh folks, but this is no fucking bullshit. The honest drunk will tell  you shit that will either leave you speechless or have you doing something you wish you never had done. Sometimes honesty...can go fuck itself.

7) Dancing Drunk: What goes good with booze? No people, I'm not talking about food. I'm talking about music. So what happens when you get a ton of booze in your system and a good beat? Simple:  THE DANCING DRUNK. The Dancing drunk pretty much applies to everyone. Even you fools that have two fucking left feet. The next time you're at a club or bar, grab a seat and check out the scene on the dance floor. What you will see will amaze you. Drunk people in general, don't care. Pretty much about anything. Why? Because they're fucking drunk...duh. And because they don't care, they will do almost anything. Especially while dancing (or trying to). These include but are not limited to: "the sex grind", "the sprinkler"...wait, the sprinkler? You know...when someone is trying to dance so fucking crazy that the goddamn drink in their hand is flying all over the place hitting every single person around them in the face, back, neck, etc. Don't act like you don't know. We've all done "the sprinkler" once or twice in our lives. Lets not forget to mention the "fall guy"...when a guy or girl are so fucking drunk that any move they try to incorporate into their side to side movement, they basically eat shit on the dance floor, only to get back up and eat shit again. My favorite though has to be the "frozen in time". Ever seen someone so fucking wasted that when they hit the dance floor, they didn't move? At all. Eyes glazed, motionless...pretty much fucking stuck in one spot. Don't worry, nothing's wrong with them, they are just too fucked up to move. Now, may I have this dance, bitches?

8) Loud Drunk: Why is it, that in every drunk group, there is always ONE LOUD MOTHER FUCKER?! And why is that one loud jackass, typically the quiet one when sober? Funny how that works right? It doesn't matter what the loud drunk drinks, by the 3rd drink in, that person, without a doubt, turns up the fucking decibel level, wherever they are. Not only that, these mother fuckers say some pretty offensive shit too. OUT LOUD. For the whole goddamn world to hear. But to them, they truly believe they are speaking in 6 inch voices. Hey dildo, not sure if you noticed, but the reason why 25 people in this restaurant are staring at us, is because you just called the waitress "a fat fucking cunt" as she walked away. Good job dickhead. Pay for your own shit now. Oh, and if anyone asks, you don't know any of us. Fucking slap dick.

9) Superman Drunk: It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it''s...Superman Drunk?! Booze + Stupid Fuck + Horrible Idea = Superman Drunk. It's these very people who believe that nothing...I mean nothing can hurt them. Basically, they're invincible. Or so they think. Beer bottle over the head? By all means, start breaking shit off their dome if they ask and lets see how fast they go into a goddamn coma. Kick them in the sack with some Wolverine work boots? Where do I sign up? Who wouldn't love to punt the shit out of someones sack if possible. A punch to the face? You serious? Good thing I brought my brass knuckles to the bar. Nighty night fuck face. See, Superman drunks think of shit that only stupid fucks would ever think of. It's like they've become a dumb ass Evil Knievel waiting to see what happens. Folks, we all know what happens. 9 out of 10 times, Superman drunks will FAIL. Miserably. Any time someone who is shit faced out of their mind, and says the words, "Hey guys, I have a crazy idea..." you need to do either two things: 1) Talk your buddy out of whatever dumb idea he has planned or 2) Be the first to volunteer. The choice is yours so choose wisely. And when I say "wisely", I mean #2.

10) The Blackout Drunk: Sometimes referred to as temporary amnesia, time traveling, or teleportation. These fuckers get so goddamn wasted that they are no longer cognizant or aware of the idiotic shit they are doing. And once it happens for the first time, it doesn’t fucking stop. Next thing you know you’re beer-bonging a fifth of Jack Daniels, banging chicks in a port-o-potty, and waking up with pockets full of cocaine and sequins…. or so your friends say. The greatest thing about being a blackout drunk, when you wake up the next morning and don’t remember a fucking thing… it’s like it never happened. 

Are there more? Of course there is. But for now, you have 10 types to either avoid, become or master. I will almost bet that a majority of you reading this are AT LEAST 3-4 of these types. Don't get mad, because I'm not. It's ok...we knew you were one of those types. That's why we're never drinking with you ever again. 


Anonymous said...

Happy,loud, dancing drunk here lol

Anonymous said...

I used to be the emotional drunk...that shit stopped after i realised how annoying i was!!! now im the happy drunk and sometimes the loud drunk..but not always. mostly just happy.

Anonymous said...

#11 The Booze is like a Stimulant Drunk. When these people get their drink really on they Fucking Stay Awake!! You wanna go the hell to sleep and (women especially, you know, the NEEDY ones) are all "C'mon... I want you to hang and talk to me...." and dont wanna have sex, just babysit them ALL FUCKING NIGHT! INSANE.