Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Advice Column: It's The Thought That Counts


I don't think I've asked for much advice from the genius so this might be a first. What do bitches like to be cooked for dinner?? My girl and I are going to keep indoors one night this weekend and I told her I'd cook for her. She immediately melted! Now I have to pull through. I can get pretty crafty in the kitchen, and I'm not saying it just to say it but let's face it, I'm a bachelor. Me impressing my own self may not be quite the panty dropper I'm looking for. So I ask you, what do bitches like to be cooked for dinner?!

I'll be sure to send pics!

Dinner For Two

Dear Dinner For Two,

This is a question I can honestly say is on probably 42% of mens minds.

With that, have a seat, take some notes and listen to what I'm about to say because after you read what the fuck I'm preaching, you will be like, "Really, motherfucker? I didn't even know. How come I didn't think of this years ago?" It's goooo time...

FACT: Minus those spoiled and lazy ass bitches, a majority of women are planners.

That said, chicks typically plan, prep and do MOST of the goddamn work in the relationship. No offense fellas, but that's usually the case and sometimes you can't stop a broad from having her do a lot of the leg work and making sure her man is a happy motherfucker. However, when an opportunity comes around for a guy to offer to do something, in your case cook dinner, that is like a liquid fucking panty remover. You could make her spaghetti that tastes like some shit from the gutter and she would be dripping like melted butter off corn on the cob. Real talk.

See, this isn't about what you should make or have to make for your girl. No fucking way, hombre. This is about those words, "Baby, come over Saturday night...I WANT TO MAKE YOU DINNER" and how you shocked the living shit out of her because you went out of your own way to do something nice for HER.

Now, a lot of people may think I'm completely fucking off on this topic...well to those people who think that, all I have to say is, FUCK YOU. In my expertise of dating every kind of gal on this fucking galaxy, this is something I do know. But I digress...

The reality is, guys don't put in as much effort as girls do (well, as much as girls would like you to do...I'm on to you bitches, btw). We're just a different fucking breed and that's just how it is. For those who do put in their 50/50 part, great job. For those who don't and you broads who constantly bitch about it, here's some advice - LEAVE. There's plenty of dick in the sea. In any event, at the end of the day, the work women put in can be a lot and should be appreciated.

You cooking dinner for this broad makes her feed special. Loved. Wanted. Appreciated. You could completely fuck up dinner, while almost burning down your apartment, but the simple thought you actually went out of your way to do something she typically doesn't see you do, let's her know, "This motherfucker is a good guy" and she might let you put it in her ass tonight. Women like thoughtful shit. Guys just roll with whatever.

Tell a broad, "Let's go for a walk on the beach," bitches will brag to their friends about how fucking romantic you are for a week. Send a broad flowers unexpectedly, you will get your dick sucked for 24 hours straight while watching the 30 for 30 marathon on ESPN. Tell her, "I want to cook you dinner" she will melt, not give two shits if you boiled water and served your cock on french roll and called it a Donger Dog De La Wee-wee.

Being a thoughtful motherfucker and doing shit for HER goes a long fucking way. Especially if that shit comes once in a blue moon. Now, that's not saying you're an asshole and don't care. Remember, guys sometimes are fucking clueless and think "fucking your girl good" is enough incentive for her sticking around. Men are special creatures that if we can surprise her when she least expects it, it's way more win than constantly doing shit to the point she gets sick of it. It's good to spoil a broad but if you do that shit all the time, her expectations stay high, motherfucker. Keep that shit low. Not too low though or you'll really look like an asshole.

The element of surprise is gold.

That's what you did. You surprised her and now she will reward you with possibly letting you do things to her that you wouldn't do to farm animals.

Cook her whatever. Just make sure you put in the effort and don't order some shit from a restaurant and throw it into some bowls. Bitches are smart. They'll see right through that shit, call your ass out and leave you with your tears to masturbate with.


Good luck and post some pics goddamnit.

All aboard the Pound Town Express,


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