Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Top 5 Reasons We Hate Our Job

Let's be honest...50% of the time, if not all the time, work sucks a fat ass donkey dick. As much as we may love our job and what we do, the reality is, it can sometimes eat shit and die. But why? Is it because of our actual job? Our boss? The chick who can't shut the fuck up about her goddamn cat? Maybe it's the douchebag who constantly knows everything and sleeps with everybody but looks like he lives in his parents basement? Day in, night out, we have our good and bad days. For a majority of us though, a lot of those days are awful and we all wish we won the lottery so we can one day walk into the office and say, "Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you...I'M OUT!!!" Then moonwalk the fuck out of there. That ain't gonna happen so you can stop dreaming right now.

All this said, today, I'm going to give all you amazing people the top five reasons why we hate our jobs. Some are obvious and some might be so over your head that after reading this, you might thank me. So without further adieu, let's get this shit started, shall we?

Reason #1: You needed a job.

The economy sucks. Plain and simple. There are a lot of folks out there who have their dream job and will more than likely be set for the rest of their lives. The middle percentage found a job they can deal with and actually went out of their way to get it. Then there are you, motherfuckers. The ones who couldn't find a job to save their goddamn lives and had to take whatever it is to pay the bills. That's not your fault, that's just life and sometimes and gotta take what you can get, right?

Everyday you go into this job and pretty much hate it. Hate every fucking thing about it. Your boss. The people. The bathroom. The location. The parking lot attendant. The smells. The company dog. The art work that is so ridiculous, every single day you wish you could pull down your pants and piss all over it.

It puts you in such a bad mood that at times, you wouldn't mind punching an old person in a wheelchair  who is taking way too fucking long crossing the goddamn street. You're not yourself. No one knows who you are. Even your pets. As far as anyone is concerned, you're just an asshole who stopped watching porn before bed because you are so angry that you might injure yourself for "going too hard". Next. 

Reason #2: The co-worker.

In almost every place of employment, there are co-workers we enjoying working with everyday. However, there is usually that one motherfucker who WE CAN'T STAND. Typically, this is why:

1) They are ALWAYS bitching about an ailment, work, life, dating, family, kids, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or what the fuck they should have for lunch.

2) They know EVERYTHING. Whatever you did, don't worry..they did it too but one thousand times better. They have been top dog since they were in their mom's vagina and as a matter of fact, said their first fucking words at age 3 hours born. Take that, bitches! 

3) They don't know shit about their job let alone about themselves.

4) They gossip about shit that is none of their business AND that never existed. ALL DAY FUCKING LONG.

5) They always brag about how they could be doing something waaaaaayyyyy better, but chose not to because they like where they work. Hmmmm...being a bad ass lawyer or working the front desk for minimum wage? Ummmm...they'll take front desk for $1,000, Alex.

Reason #3: The goddamn job description.

We would like to think we go to work because we LOVE what we do. However, as much as a lot of us want to think that, that's sometimes not the case. When we get hired for a job, we go in thinking, "Yup, this is exactly what I was looking to do. I'm gonna be the motherfucker running this shit! Watch out, bitches!" Then reality sets in and you start to do shit that you weren't paid to do.

Clean toilets at Walmart, shovel shit on a farm, sweep a whole fucking parking lot that has no goddamn cars (EVER), do admin work when you're supposed to be an apparent "VP" of whatever the fuck you think you do, answers calls that aren't even for get the picture.

When your job involves the shit you actually signed up for, you're gravy. But as soon as shit starts to pile onto your plate and you give that "what the fuck does this have to do with me, motherfucker" look, fools get crazy and people might just get stabbed in the throat. Real talk.

Nothing is worse than trying to do your job AND ten other jobs when those jobs aren't your fucking job in the first goddamn place. Call it selfish or plain fucking lazy, the reality is, that shit ain't cool and is not the goddamn business. You want me to do that other shit and answer phones while wiping your ass during lunch, fool? PAY ME, MOTHERFUCKER. If not, fuck you.

Reason #4: The people above you or ones who think they are. 

In a perfect world, we'd all love to be our own boss. Too bad this isn't a perfect fucking world, right? Each day we have duties we either enjoy doing or hate doing. The ones we love doing are the ones we expect doing and could do that fucking job 24 hours a day, 7 days a goddamn week. On the other hand, the ones we hate doing, well, it's not for our enjoyment, rather, for our annoying ass boss or some piece of shit who thinks is our boss but in reality, sucks the bosses dick while tickling his taint and knows how to get away with making you do the fucked up grunt work that you wish they would choke themselves on. 

Nothing is worse than finding your work groove when all of the sudden your Monkey Mouth Bitch of a boss or Side Show Fucking Bob of a co-worker tells you what to do, how to do and when to do it. "Excuse me motherfucker, did you not notice I'm here doing my own shit? You that fucking retarded you can't save this word doc out as a PDF your fucking self? Oh, it's an emergency? Is someone gonna die, bitch? Because if the ambulance isn't here in 30 seconds, I'm gonna go to my car, get my fucking 9 iron and make sure there is an emergency that needs assistance." 

I get that a lot of us have bosses we need to do shit for and that's cool. But inconsiderate ones? Fuck that noise. What's even worse are the people who are on YOUR LEVEL but act like they ain't. NEWS FLASH: I will slap the shit out of you then falcon punch you in the fucking head if you try and act like my boss one more goddamn time. 

What takes the cake though is when these slap dicks are just assholes...because they know they can be. 


Reason #5: It's all about the Benjamin's, or in your case, the Washington's.

Nothing makes a motherfucker hate on their job more than knowing what they take home every _______, isn't enough to feed one person, let alone a family of 4. Sure, we hear tales of the economy getting better and people recovering, but if you were one of those people that HAD to take some shit-ass job to makes ends meet and not end up on the street fighting a homeless person for a pan-handling corner, you know what the fuck I am talking about. Every time you see your paycheck you want to kick someone in the nuts for insulting you with that pittance. But you suck it up, cash that shit and try not to blow it all on hookers and weed before you get home.

Then, once a year, some weekend magazine that is in your local newspapar called Parade, publishes a list of who makes what, where. You see some shit that makes you see red and get homicidal. What the fuck do you mean that fool that bags groceries makes almost as much as the person who teaches my kid? That ain't right. Oh, and that fucker makes 3 times as much as the state's attorney?? Awwww helll no.

Then you look down at your own pay check and wince, but are thankful you have a job. C.R.E.A.M, get that money.

I'm sure there are a plethora more reasons why we hate our fucking job. But to be honest, these five take the grand prize of "Why I want to kill a motherfucker today." 

Don't worry, you're not alone. 

Now go off and get to work. People are counting on you to be pissed off. 


Miss Dee said...

Love this !!!! All true especially the mother effin job description !

You are The Man !


Unknown said...

I want to tell everyone Fuck that noise!

Anonymous said...

#2 Ah, the co-worker, otherwise known as Cuntface. I have a live-in job. So, I have my own bedroom. Had a co-worker, whom I bent over backwards for, when she was in a bind. When she no longer needed me, she started to treat me like fucking shit. Hence the nuckname "Cuntface". As, I said "live-in". So, it got yo the point, where before she'd arrived, I'd take her pillows stomp on them, rub my shitty, farty bare arse all over them. It gave me guilty pleasure knowing she was laying her face on pillows contaminated by my shitty, farty arse.