Friday, November 1, 2013

You vs. The Acquaintance

It has happened to all of us before. You are just chilling in the grocery store/club/adult video bookstore, mindin' your bidness when it happens. You get the cold sweats of avoidance, but you know you cannot avoid what is about to happen. You try to look busy on your phone, hoping to go unnoticed.You may even turn and walk in the other direction, like a boss with exactly zero fucks to give, just to get away.

But no matter what you do to try to avoid it, it still happens. You see some motherfucker you haven't seen in a hot minute and they see you. While they are walking towards you, you lock eyes like two MMA fighters about to get into the octagon. You mutter silently under your breath,"this bitch," right as you hear the dreaded:

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy __________________"

And you know you now have to play the "chit chat like grown folks game" with some monkey mouth bitch that you are not even trying to talk to today. Because you are not trying to talk to anyone outside maybe a friend or two. You have on some ratty ass gym clothes, your hair is a hot, hot mess/you haven't shaved your head or face, and you probably looked like you crawled straight out of the gutter and into wherever this little meet-cute is about to take place.

People, realize when it comes to the people we know outside of family, it comes down to FRIENDS vs. ACQUAINTANCES.

Truth be told, our friends are the ones who we see either every day, every weekend, once a month or at least keep in contact with in our everyday lives. How-the-fuck-ever, acquaintances??? These are those motherfuckers who we see once in awhile, if never, and could really care less about. Not because we hate or dislike them, just because well, they aren't our style.

At GG Headquarters we thought about this for a minute, polled absolutely none of you fuckers, and came up with our very own list of things people say when we run into some acquaintance and are trying out this thing that all the kids are talking about these days called, "polite social interaction." The next time this happens to you, remember us.

1) "I never see you anymore..."
There you are with nowhere to go and the one person you don't give zero fucks about, begins conversation. As you nod like you're having a fucking seizure and have no goddamn idea what this person is saying, you hear the words, "I never see you anymore. Are you still living in _______? How's you and ______? How's your dog?" With such care and genuine concern you damn well know, they are just trying to make conversation. Because if they did care, they would have known that your ass moved from wherever the fuck you were living 8 years ago and haven't been in a relationship since college and been fucking random motherfuckers 5 days a week and run shit like a boss at work. Oh, and you never had a dog. That was YOUR dog, asshole.

Wanna know why you don't see me anymore? It's because I choose not to call you. I choose not to text you. I choose not to hangout with you. Because last time I did that, you were that person who made me realize, "Why the fuck do I even associate with this fool?" Friendships are a two way street....just like a relationship. That's why you don't see me anymore. If your ass wanted to see me, you would make an attempt to reach out and say, "Hey, let's hang bro. It's been awhile. How's next weekend sound? We can go to that one bar and go fingerbang broads under the table like the college days." Nah, bro...I'm straight. I don't do that shit anymore. I upgraded and do that shit in alleyways now.

It's one thing to talk, but to act like you care?


2) "Text me..."
As your pointless 10 minute conversation comes to an end in the toothpaste aisle,  there is usually that awkward silence before parting ways. Typically if it's a guy and girl, there's a question of, "Do I go in for a hug? Maybe a high five? Shit...handshake? Wait, side hug...yeah, we used to side hug, right?" If it's girls, then who the fuck knows what they do. Guys? It's either a handshake, brotherly hug or some rock. In any event, as you're about to walk away you hear, "Text me..." With such enthusiasm too. Fuckers.

Let's be real. Someone could be dying in front of me and if you were the last motherfucker on earth, I wouldn't text you for shit. I'd save this person by firing up YouTube on my iPhone and watch how fools get saved on Grey's Anatomy. Straight up.

Never fails with the person you will never speak to unless you have instances like this that pull the whole "text me..." bullshit.


3) "I have been meaning to call you..."
We haven't talked in like...hmmm...I don't know, since we graduated high school 17 years ago. Dafuq you mean you've been meaning to call me?! To talk about what? How you still don't know sugar from shit and still can't count from 100, backwards?

Unless it is the 11th of Nevuary or you just won the lotto, I wouldn't think twice about dialing your parents number up just to say, "What's up?" I haven’t been meaning to do shit...neither have you, Fuckface Magee. I actually, have been meaning to do everything BUT call you. Like wash my car (no I haven’t but hey, you don’t know that), mow my lawn, go visit my in-laws (don’t have them, but you may not know that), go to the titty bar with the one-legged stripper named Peg. Anything but call your ass. Why? Because I don’t want to. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, just means I don’t want to talk on the phone with you. I want to go see my girl Peg. REAL TALK.

4) "You know I have been busy with..."
If there is one thing that we have all heard from that person we don't want to talk to it's, "You know I have been busy with..." Once these motherfuckers start, they don't stop with this goddamn list along with the apologies on why "we don't stay in contact more."

You know what I have been busy with...NOTHING. Because I sit at my office all day and play around on Facehole. Then I go home to my bengal tiger and box of scotch - that’s a real thing by the way, go to Total Wine - and watch Breaking Bad for the 11th time on Netflix. But when I see you I am currently training for a marathon, working overtime at work trying to promoted to head toilet-washer at Wal-Mart, AND helping my friend raise her 6 kids because her husband left her. NOT sitting in front of my lap-top on Chat Roulette in my drawers trolling for fucking dates or hanging out at my favorite bar getting white-girl wasted. That shit never happens.

5) "I would love to hang this week... but"
Like the "Text me..." line, there is going to come a point where that sonofabitch pulls the "I would love to hang this week...but..." card. No one who has an acquaintance should ever fucking think y'all are gonna hangout...even if there is a BUT included in there. If you do, you're an idiot and should be beaten with a hundred 20 pound dildos to the face, stomach and shins.

While similar in theory to "You know I have been busy" this one differs because it lends an air of immediacy to the thing they will lie to you about doing. This week is just "one of those weeks," where you know, everything is going on at once. Like, "I have to clean my gutters before winter comes." You know, because I live in a sunny ass state and winters here are harsh as fuck, yo. Or, "I have to get my car serviced and they won’t give me a loaner, so you know, I just can’t this week." I also have to go do like a bajillion other things that I have been putting off since forever, because I am also so busy with all of the above.

But, hey, I would love to catch up with you in a few weeks, you know, when shit calms down.


As these excuses get hit to you one by one, there you stand not really giving a fuck and waiting for this piece of shit to just walk the fuck away.

Did it ever occur to you that I haven't hungout with you since you shit your pants at my party back in 2006? You told everyone you sat on pudding and it smelled bad because it was expired.

Really, motherfucker? Really?

So there you have it. The five things we've either experienced, seen or been guilty of, first hand. Don't be this person if you know damn well you have nothing more than a "what's up?" and quick, simple shit in you. Why? Because you'll look like a fucking fool. Plus, why be fake? Don't be about that life unless it's in a job interview or you're trying to get laid. 

You're welcome. 


Keish said...

I hate when that happens, especially when I forget their name. I usually try to play if off by asking how they spell their name when exchanging numbers.

Dave said...

What if that bitch goes by the name of Dave. Do you still ask that question Keish?